Submitted by kinnz03 on 01/21/2015.
I have been married for over 17 years we have three kids, he is the love of my life. When we were dating I noticed a pattern of lies, money issues, and rage issues (road rage ) .
I must go back several years for this to make sense.
My husband had had 7 (yes 7) failed busineses. For the first several years we lived with my parents, during that time he had an emotional affair with a woman for 2 years I begged for him to stop, tried to tell him how he was ruining our marriage. All night phone conversations , phone sex, lies with her contributed to my feelings. He lost his business because he would sleep all day. He told her he was leaving me and I guess once she realized he wasn't and told him to leave her alone it took a restraining order to make him go no contact this is after being promised ( I was ready to leave ) over and over again it was over then I would find out it wasn't. Fast forward to 3 years ago because of his poor decision making skills and goals that are never met for lack of self discipline we had a big talk and he agreed to see a doctor who diagnosed him with ADD. This would explain the lost keys, lack of direction, just a lack of caring, with meds he would get better ? Nope . ( now) He constantly lies to me and tells me he wants to avoid an argument. Online chats and friends with "women". Inappropriate flirting, I'd say something another promise no more and of course it happens over and over again. He got a membership to the gym and a new phone that I didn't know about for talking to a woman there, I only found out when I awoke to find him gone at 12 am and I called him he claimed to be at the coffee shop "thinking " which he and I used to do. I started getting suspicious when I found his phone. He fessed up and said he did meet her at the coffee shop and they went to a bar. We had ww3 and I drew up seperation papers. Begging pleading crying , he will never lie again, he will rebuild trust. Last shot he knew it ! Well he gets a female assistant to ride around with him and take notes last week I find her notes in his truck . When he started this business we discussed this because he has done this before behindy back. He promised to be open and honest and discuss things before they happen. Of course I was mad it took 2 hours for him to come clean, promised it wouldn't happen again and guess what ? Today I find out he's been picking her up still. His excuse : he's not doing anything sexual or immoral (I did not accuse him of anything sexual its the lies) and he cannot just tell her he doesn't need her because he feels bad. He says " why do you think I want to sleep with every female I talk to" I DONT ACCUSE HIM! I simply want to see him try to rebuild trust that he's broken over and over again and he cannot even begin before he starts another line of deception. But if I talk about leaving he flips out. I want security, honesty and trust. Is that too much ? My question is do you think his add plays a role in this or am I hearing what he thinks I want to hear for the moment because he's just a narcissistic personality????
short answer is no and yes, heart hurts for you
Submitted by Emily1997 on
I have been married 18 years, no children. We both did not want children and my H wanted to be the center of my world, I left my career/college (hello missed red flag). My relationship changed right after we married. We struggled, we read books together, we learned coping skills, we attended counseling 4x. We did not know about ADD until year 15, we stuck with it. He cannot do meds or even acknowledge the issue for professional reasons. I'm a seriously healthy woman and I developed health issues within months of his diagnosis. Two years of medical tests and meditation and I'm in personal counseling, he is in personal counseling and we are in couples counseling. At year 17 I had switched from reading how to save my marriage to am I in a healthy relationship? Website after website revealed NO and I can tell you also are not. I think you know this already, it is alright to say "this is not okay". Although ADD has been a part of it we have discovered underlying issues, it will take years of serious therapy should we decide to stick it out. To be honest-for what? The emotional part is the hardest. We do have a loving friendship however we also acknowledge that love need not bind one to something that harms them. We are not thriving, we are surviving. I can only imagine how much you hurt and want to protect your family. This is not the way to live a life, it is not an example for children. Your children may be aware of all this already. Get into counseling to protect your mental/physical health so you can protect your children and decide what to do about your marriage. I wish you peace.