Submitted by Geese on 06/23/2015.
After three months of ADHD drugs and hours of self treatment (learning life strategies etc) I have seen improvements at work and in what little social life I occasionally have. Aw mentioned many times before: the suicidal thoughts have just diappeared too. However, the situation at home is as bad as it ever has been. As indicated by the many spouses on this site, being easily frustrated, grumpy, inattentive and impulsive makes someone unlikable.
I get it.
But at what point does persistent, verbal and physical aggression even against the most unlikeable person constitute domestic abuse? I try to be different and the medicine helps, but the attacks I endure make it harde to be a better person which seems to "justify" more attacks aganst me. Being bullied by a spouse and your pre-school child is no fun. Of course it would be worse if it were a male being abusive to a wife, but even so, this is to the point that I am so frazzled emotionally and my confidence is shot . I have been bowing out of client meetings in my sales job because of a sudden timidty and lack of self confidence I haven't felt in 15 years of selling. Paralysed by trauma and self doubt, I have left opportunities for our competitors to pick up.
It would be better for everyone if we ended this relationship responsibly. I'll still pay most of my salary, but the bad husband and dad will be gone. I am never going to subject me or anyone else to this again.
With me gone from daily life of my family, the healing all around can begin.
I'm sorry to hear that you're
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I'm sorry to hear that you're being abused. What is your wife doing to you?
What is happening?
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
>>>>
But at what point does persistent, verbal and physical aggression even against the most unlikeable person constitute domestic abuse? I try to be different and the medicine helps, but the attacks I endure make it hard to be a better person which seems to "justify" more attacks against me. Being bullied by a spouse and your pre-school child is no fun.
>>>>
What is your wife and child doing to bully you?
I am very sorry that this is happening to you.
Many little things
Submitted by Geese on
Not Making Things Contingent On Anyone Else
Submitted by kellyj on
This is one of my T's mantra's and one I now have to completely agree with. Using my self here as an example....when I begin to get that feeling after a while that nothing I do is right or nothing I do is ever going to be good enough to satisfy other people despite my best efforts (especially surrounding my ADHD symptoms )...I will completely stop or worse....do the just the opposite of what they want instead. In one sense, this can appear very childish and it's definitely passive aggressive (in my distant past it was). But later, I realized that there was more to it than that. I realized that I was trying to control the situation by sending the message that I'm not going to let other people control me with their anger or complaining.
Unfortunately, it is human nature to avoid anger and conflict and the first reaction might be to do what they want in order to avoid this. At first.....this is a reasonable thing to do in most cases. But after a while like I said.....if they continue doing this as a means to get what they want...I would agree that this is a form of aggressive manipulation in their attempt to control you.
In my case.....I had become extremely sensitive and resentful to this from actual abuse from this very thing growing up. I don't think most people like to be manipulated like this but my reaction and resulting behavior to this form of coercive manipulation is somewhat disproportionate. lol Saying....I found a way to counter this by refusing to allow this to control me who tried this technique in an attempt on their part to do this with me. By me doing just the opposite, it does send a pretty clear message after a while. lol
In this much....I definitely succeeded but I was also going against myself and what I wanted at the same time. My counter response was equally as bad as the behavior from the other person and two wrongs don't make a right as they say. As much as the PA behavior itself could be a very rewarding experience in the moment passive aggressive anger is still anger. The way I was going about getting rid of this anger albeit, not overtly aggressive or even abusive myself in the short term .....the person I was actually abusing was myself from my own behavior. The end result ultimately did not make me feel good about myself or do anything to stop this cycle of behavior abusive or not. It did nothing to serve me or get what I wanted for myself and did more damage and resolved nothing at the end of the day.
The answer I found is not to let other people control you by controlling your anger and what you do about it even if other peoples behavior is abusive. No matter what someone else does that you don't like.....you do have the choice in how to deal with your own emotions which includes any justified anger from disrespect or even abusive directed at you for what ever reason. Not saying this is easy because it isn't or saying you should put up with this on a constant basis and not to completely remove yourself from a situation if this becomes chronic with no end in sight.
In my case specifically.....I have a disproportionate response to this kind of thing when I feel it happening. I don't particularly like people who do this kind of thing with me or anyone else for that matter, but I also realize I have a very specific reason why I feel so strongly about this. I believe that my anger surrounding this is probably greater on average than other people and I can easily justify any counter response to people like this based solely on me from my past, and I can make a pretty good case for myself that people will even understand but.......that's all about me and my problem (my intense feeling). I have to live with this feeling and not do what I did in my past because I know it get's me no where and I am only hurting myself by my old pattern of PA no matter how good it makes me feel in the short term.
The only choice you have is to learn to accept a certain amount of discomfort or being angry for while with other people when you feel unjustly treated but not reacting and doing nothing is also not allowing other people to control you. If you change your behavior based on how other people treat you (and you make your response or reactions contingent on what other people do)....they are controlling you which will make you feel like they are abusing you, feel helpless to them and feel like a victim. Victim mentality only hurts you and other people will not respond well or want to do much for you if you have this kind of attitude.
In reality as I said....the only person that is abusing you in this case is you.
J