My wife and I seem to be stuck re: our different communication styles, having the same argument over and over. I am a non-ADHD introvert, and she is an extrovert with ADHD. What happens is this: we start out having a rather nice conversation – at least from my perspective. I say something, then she responds, then I respond, and so on. And then, at some point, I realize I am no longer talking and she is talking “non-stop.” I end up feeling like she is talking AT me rather than TO me or WITH me, and I start thinking “I wish she would just stop talking.” And I find myself not listening to what she is saying. And it is clear to me, she doesn’t even realize I’m not listening, which just emphasizes my feeling that she is talking AT me. I realize that she can’t help herself – that some “switch” is clicked and she just goes into overdrive. It’s like a runaway train, which she has no control over. I get that.
I just don’t know how to tell her I am at my limit without hurting her feelings. When I am at my best, I realize it’s just her ADD, and am able to let her talk on and on, and don’t get upset or angry. But other times, I think “Here we go again. I wonder how long she’ll keep talking until I have to say something?” and then I DO say something like “Honey, would you please take a breath.” Or “Sweetie, would you please speak more softly” or “Honey, please speak more slowly” and these sometimes help. But other times, when I have less patience, or when whatever I say doesn’t seem to “connect” and she continues talking non-stop, I end up saying, quite firmly, “Honey, stop talking!” or, as I did this morning, “Sweetie, PLEASE, I need quiet in the morning.” And then we have an argument about how it’s all about what I need as an introvert, etc.
The thing is, it’s not really that I need absolute quiet, but rather, I can’t take in the long string of non-stop verbiage. And I just don’t know how to communicate that in a way that she understands, and in a way that doesn’t seem like it’s ME setting the rules about our conversations.
Introvert/extrovert communication
Submitted by gekkedwaas on
Does you wife respond to auditory/physical/or visual clues? My partner is very visual & physical - meaning she processes things (a little bit) better if they are presented in a manner she can respond to, i.e. a hand signal or certain coded touch.
Is there any way you can mutaully agree on a predetermined signal that will clue your wife that you need some "quiet" time? Perhaps that way she has been given some control over the situation too and doesn't feel as the other writer has suggested that you are setting all the rules.
Maybe you could also agree about a certain time of day - you know, "this is my thinking time or I really need some quiet (not silence) to focus on the coming day or paying the bills..." Again, it would be mutally agreed upon.
It may be waving the proverbial red flag, but during your discussion perhaps you could mention that having her "allow" you this time will give you more energy to remain at attention on other occassions when she does go into a free flow of information.
My partner needs her "zone out" time, so I sometimes ask for the same priviledge. Doesn't always work, but there's alway a chance :)
Thanks for your suggestions
Submitted by Looking4Help on
Your suggestions are all good ones. I have tried some and sometimes they work. It's hard to use non-verbal cues sometimes b/c sometimes she's not actually looking at me when she is talking. She might be on the computer when she is talking, or like this morning, in the shower, and so I am looking for actual words or phrases that might convey to her that I need her to put on the brakes. Maybe we should come up with a silly code word, like "banana."
Sometimes the simple answer
Submitted by LaTuFu on
Sometimes the simple answer really could be the solution.
Someone with ADD will sometimes struggle to recognize verbal or nonverbal cues in conversation. And not just with their spouses.
Definitely have a non-confrontational conversation about the issue. Discuss your feelings, not her actions. She will have less tendency to become defensive if you're talking about how it makes you feel rather than what she is doing wrong.
Then offer some simple solution like an pre-arranged verbal cue (I would suggest something a little less demeaning than "banana". You want it to be something that will help, not something that might make the other person defensive.).
Simple things that have worked very effectively for me: when my significant other is trying to get my attention, she will lightly touch my shoulder and wait until I have made eye contact with her before she proceeds with the conversation. When she does this, it is my cue to close my laptop, mute/turn off the TV, or otherwise disengage from whatever I was absorbed in. It has greatly reduced frustration on both sides when it comes to communicating.
Are you my husband?
Submitted by ladyflower10 on
Although I am not an extrovert I can be exactly like your wife when I start talking about something. There are times that I'll start talking about work or some topic that my husband isn't particularily interested in. Usually he gives me the annoyed sigh and "that" look like I'm a kid that won't stop saying your name. Usually that's followed by something along the lines of "Okay. Stop." I'm not particularily fond of the way he does this, but I do get the point. But I do wish he could find a better way of letting me know. I don't take offense at it, because there are plenty of times that my non-ADD husband starts talking about a subject that I'm not interested in. Although I admit I only half pay attention and interject the occasional "uh huh" or repeat something I did hear him say so he thinks I'm listening. He knows I have trouble focusing so he doesn't take offense if he thinks I'm not listening completely to him.
I can't really tell you what will work for you and your wife. You would be a better judge of that and it seems you've already come up with some subtle ways to clue her in. Does she accept and admit her ADD? Can she see that she has a tendency to run off with the conversation? Is it something she takes in good humor when you point it out? Or does she get annoyed that you're interupting her thoughts? I think the way that she handles this will help you figure out which approach to take.
I'm curious
Submitted by LeeAnonymou on
1) My ADHD husband can talk about himself and his issues and what happened to him and the stats of the team that's playing and what he wants to do and what he thinks ad infinitum.
2) Responses from me and our kids are not required. We can talk, but he's already on to another subject or tuned us out. Hence we get a pretty clear impression that what we have to say/we don't matter to him, and resentment builds. He's not so bad with non-family members, but he does have a tendency to interject odd observations that have nothing to do with the conversation at hand.
3) Any conversation with him has to be in sound bites. Short, to the point, and about something he's interested in at that particular moment. No explanations beyond a sentence or two about a situation. We're (family) allowed to give him the short version only. Then we go off and discuss the topic comfortably among ourselves, leaving him out because he's dropped off anyway.
But, as I said, resentment builds. I've got a non-ADD teenager who thinks his father doesn't love him because he never fully listens to him but Dad's really good at the long lectures about what his (the kid) problem is.
From an insider's view (ADHD person), is this just the way his brain works?
Yes
Submitted by ladyflower10 on
I would suggest you read Dr. Hallowells book "Driven to Distraction." This was actually the first book I read after being diagnosed and it does cover this topic. What your husband does is very common. This is causing you such resentment because you don't understand why he does it. Try not to think of ADD as an "attention deficit disorder" but rather as "attention focus disorder." Your husband isn't purposely trying to tune you out, but has trouble focusing on what you say - especially as you have noticed when it's a lengthy conversation. Most likely he doesn't even realize that his focus has drifted off to something else, unless it's pointed out to him. However, he can hyperfocus on things such as his favorite sports team. This is how his brain is hardwired - not because he doesn't care.
Yes
Submitted by LaTuFu on
Our brains function differently. Its not right, its not wrong, its just different. The biggest problem for people that struggle with ADD, and the people around them is--we don't look any different.
A child with Down's Syndrome or a physical handicap is immediately recognized and, rightly or wrongly, people around them adjust their expectations based on their perceptions.
Someone with ADD looks like you, talks like you, dresses like you. We process the world around us a totally different fashion. Most of the time, we're totally unaware of how this difference impacts the people around us.