My husband accepts that ADHD is a real illness but thinks that because I can read/play games etc. that I am using it as an excuse to be lazy and not do what needs to be done and I cant figure out how to put my thoughts and feelings about it into words that make sense to him because he is a very logical person who likes facts rather than theoretical ideas...so he doesnt want to listen to me talk about ADHD and how I struggle because of hyperfocus and yadda yadda yadda, he wants me to do the dang dishes...period...regardless of whats wrong with me I have to do basic things like dishes and laundry and whatnot and no amount of explaining ADHD to him changes that, it just makes him more upset and angry. I feel like I dont have a leg to stand on in arguements because I dont follow through with pretty much anything I say I am going to do...my track record sucks. He just sees years of me not being reliable and dependable and not taking care of the house and the kids and not being able to work at a job or do anything really productive (I also was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and have been treated for that before we found out I had ADHD) and my poor husband has stayed with me through all of this mess and I feel terrible that I am not doing more and want to just "get over it" and do what needs to be done, but I am not even sure what I can accomplish.
I dont know what to expect from myself or from him and I dont know how or what to ask him to do to help me and I dont even want to ask because I feel like he will just resent me more because he has to "do everything" and I "do nothing" and to make matters worse, he grew up in a military family and was in the Navy so he likes things very orderly and neat and his clothes to be folded a certain way and his pants to be hung a certain way and all these things that he prefers that he has just had to let go because I cannot do it, even if I could do everything else I cant figure out how to fold his shirts that way and I feel like I have let him down as a wife and a partner and I let myself down as a human being and then we are trying to raise 2 kids from my first marriage who both are diagnosed with severe ADHD (getting them diagnosed was how I recognized I had it too) so our house is in constant chaos and he just feels like he is the only person who is sane in our home...and I hate it. I want so much to have a clean house and dinner cooked every night and a calm orderly organized life...and I dont know how to even start.
I found a website called flylady.net and she helps people get organized, but even her "babysteps" are more than I can accomplish most days....I used to do pretty good when she had reminder emails that got sent to your inbox to do different chores and whatnot, but many people didnt like that so they stopped doing it and I havent been able to make myself do it since. I bought a calender software that does reminders and everything and that has helped tremendously but its not enough to be reminded if I dont get up and do it exactly when the reminder goes off because I forget 5 minutes later and dont remember till its too late and he is home from work yelling at me and the kids about what didnt get done.
Its very hard and I am very frustrated and he threatens to leave all the time and that just makes me terrified and anxious and I cant even sleep for days after that because it affects me so much and I just want things to get better and I dont know where to start. I am on medication and have been since March and I just cut my bipolar medications in half (without my doctor's permission) because I felt like the medication side effects were too bad....and that seemed to help me feel like I dont have a 200 lb weight on my back everyday keeping me from doing anything at all...so I am doing more...but its not enough to undo years of doing nothing and I know that even on my best days I cant do everything that needs to be done and I just want him to be happy and for us to have a good loving relationship instead of me feeling like a child who is constantly in trouble.
I feel so overwhelmed and afraid and unsure and we went to marriage counseling but after listening to me talk about my history (severe trauma and abuse, bipolar disorder, PTSD, ADHD etc.) it turned into a therapy session about what I need to do to fix myself....and it didnt do much to help us as a couple. I think that counseling would be good but even if we found a good therapist we cant afford it and he doesnt have time to go so I keep looking for books and websites and free resources that I can point him to...but he is starting to get resentful of all my "problems" because he just seems them as excuses as to why I dont do what I need to do and doesnt want to "learn" anything about any of my problems.
I just want things to be acceptable to both of us and to lead a functional non-chaotic life and that seems like its impossible.
The best way to get through
Submitted by ladyflower10 on
The best way to get through to your husband is by educating him. You have to remember that for most people who do not have ADD it's hard for them to understand how our minds work. Your husband needs some education that can help him understand. In the beginning my husband fought against helping me. He had trouble breaking out from the traditional thinking that he was used to. He didn't understand that I just didn't think the same as he did. I asked him for help and he said no. He thought if he helped me that I would never really change. He started doing his own research and so much of what he read explained the things that had tortured him for years. He realized that I had a genuine problem that was documented and proven - he finally had some answers and he knew that by helping me he was helping himself.
Thankfully my husband did take the initiative on his own to do some research, but maybe your husband needs a push. If you go through some of the posts in this forum you'll probably find things that you can relate to - things that describe the way you think or act. I went through one day and printed out some of these posts for my husband. He said he enjoyed reading it because it helped him get inside my head a bit. I found this link in another post on this board (sorry, I can't remember which post) and I think it's wonderful. Not only does it give tips to try to help us, but it also explains things in ways that your husband will be able to understand. Go through it and either point him to the sight or print out some of the pages that you think will help.
http://www.addaustin.com/pasttips.html
The funny thing is that my husband now can tell when I'm having an "ADD moment." He can always tell when I haven't taken my meds. He knows when to walk away when I'm not in control to avoid an argument. Later he can point it out to me and say "I understand that was your ADD so I walked away before I lost control too." Believe me, this has helped us avoid a lot of arguments that we would have had in the past. He has relaxed about certain things around the house. It used to drive me crazy that he would compare how I took care of the house to how his mother did. If the house wasn't pristine, he would often refer to it as "trashed" which would hurt my feelings since I did the best I could. I could never live up to the standards he had. He has finally realized that and is not so critical anymore.
Hi
Submitted by tazangel36 on
ladyflower, your husband sounds like me...we've been married 6 years, and until a couple years ago I really fought him on everything...and then my son started showing symptoms, and in educating myself about my son, I've learned more about my husband.
Inky, my husband and I fought about chores for the longest time...I'd ask him to take out the trash, and 2 or 3 days later it would still be there, more overflowing, and then he'd berate me for piling more on top. I'd ask him to put his clothes away, that I'd folded and hung up, and 2 or 3 days later he'd be yelling that he didn't have any clean boxers...in his drawer. (They were still in the basket in the living room.)
So, we sat down one night, and I told him what I needed from him: "I need you to help me with the house. We both work full time, and I don't mind being the ringmaster, but I can't be the ringmaster and the entire janitorial staff, too. I need you to take out the trash before it overflows, and I need you to do the dishes. I need you to do things when I ask, because otherwise it will get forgotten, and that 5 minutes you take to do the chore will prevent mess, resentment, and nagging." Then we set up a schedule: every night, after the kids have been put to bed, we set the kitchen timer for 20 minutes. We each do our 1 chore (dishes for him, laundry for me) for 10 minutes, then we spend 10 minutes working together on 1 area of the house. The short time keeps us both from getting burned out or frustrated, we see progress, we work together on something (which strengthens bonds), and then we still have plenty of time for leisure pursuits.
Maybe if you approached your husband with some of these suggestions, it might work for you? You could also enlist his help to make a chore schedule and post it in a common area where you'll see it all the time. Because you're the AD, you know that the chart will need to be explicit, day of the week, time to start, length of time to work in it, etc. and you'll need to set a reminder system in place. I know, from experience, that these issues can be worked through! Good luck!
timer
Submitted by jgf on
I love the idea about setting the timer for 20 minutes to work on chores after the kids are in bed! I think my husband and I will try that. Thanks for sharing!
If I can help...
Submitted by tazangel36 on
I'm happy to share any of my "schedules" if it will help even 1 couple find some happy time together! If you would like me to share them, they're word docs, and you can email me at [email protected].
PDA might help
Submitted by arwen on
Inky, trust me, plenty of us non-ADDers don't have clean houses or meals on time, either!! What I have is a "clean enough" house -- it isn't so filthy that it attracts pests, or so messy that it's a safety hazard, or piled so high and deep that a stray visitor couldn't find a seat. (It used to be worse!) As for the meals, well, nobody's suffering from malnutrition or any other dietary problem, but the only times we ever had meals "on time" was when my daughter had to eat before her dance class. For a long time now, this has been the best I could manage. A clean house and on-time meals are nice, sure, but they are not the end-all and be-all of life. (Besides, what is that quote my mother-in-law offered me when I was bewailing my "disaster area"? I think it was "Boring women have immaculate homes". And who wants to be boring?)
My ADD husband uses a PDA that interfaces with his calendar software, that he finds helpful -- he keeps it with him at all times (wears it in a hip pouch). The PDA has an "autosnooze" feature on the reminders/alarms that helps deal with that problem of forgetting if you don't do it right away. He has to make sure that he only turns the alarm off if he gets up to do the task right away. Aside from that, the snooze feature makes sure he comes back to it. Actually, his "PDA" these days is a cellphone with extra features, so from a value standpoint it works really well, too. I know you said you don't have a lot of money to spare, but if you have a cellphone already, you might be able to get an inexpensive upgrade to something like this.
Your husband's threats to leave you make me mad! I especially can't understand this attitude from someone who has been in the armed forces and comes from a military family. Would he have bugged out and left a service buddy behind? His spouse, you, deserves the same kind of dedication, for the same kind of reason. You are both "in the trenches" in dealing with your disorder, and you are both in each other's "unit".
If you haven't already, you might suggest he come on this site and read Melissa's blogs and the forum posts. There's a lot of useful ideas for both of you to help put together some working arrangements that can work for you. There are lots of folks like me who don't have ADD but who have figured out how to live with an ADD spouse, and we can offer your husband different ways to approach the problems. My husband and I just celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary, and even though there were many difficult years, our marriage is now in terrific shape and stronger than ever. It takes a lot of patience and a lot of determination but it can work.
Hang in there! -- even though you may feel discouraged, you sound to me like you have a good attitude. Keep working on what you can, and I hope you can get your husband to come here so he can understand better just how difficult it truly is for you, and what he can do that can make things better for both of you.
I am going thru the same thing
Submitted by jennasmartt on
Its like we are living he same life!I am adhd and bipolar mania and have struggled with several addictions too. I also watched my mother get abused by my alcoholic father and then I was with a monster for 5 yrs. that abused mer in everyway you can imagine! I have finally found happiness my fiancee and I have been toghter for 7 yrs and unfortunatley I cant do anyting right, or quick enough and so on and so on!!I will wash the laundry fold it put it in thew baskets and thats as far as it gets it drives him nuts I promise to do better and i will for like 2 days and I am right back to the way I was. I have 2 sons that wash the dishes everynight so thats a plus but I am reasonable for everything else and I work 30-40 hrs a week as a server I dont ant to loose him becasue I cantget my stuff toghter but I know one day he will be over it he tells me that he will be wit me forever but I can see that It rives him crazy and of course he says I am just being lazy tht I use adhd as a excuse. I haVe tried list I look up things on the interenet I post blogs and do wat i can to be better but I jus wont stick with anything!!I am not on any medication I couldnt sand the sideeffects so I am prtty much dealiong with it te best i can and my best just isnt good nough
Keep Flying
Submitted by southcoast on
Hi - I just read your posting and am just encouraging you to try Flying again. I am a fellow Flybaby, and NO MY HOUSE is not welcoming everyday. But more days that not. SSHHHH...I didn't do the babysteps either. I just wanted to jump a little deeper in. However, the basics like shoes and putting clothes out the day before do help.
USE the timer! My 4 year old even asks for it. And the Up kind of day CD. And you know that my morning routine consists of put away dry dishes and make coffee. It does not have to be a long list.
And .... it seems like your DH has lost some perfectionism since leaving his Navy nest. Keep trying little by little.
I had actually posted earlier about Flylady before I saw this.....It was on my mind.
Bless you!
I'm an Adderall Space Cadet :)
Submitted by Hageration on