Submitted by stb616 on 01/17/2008.
First a little background. Within the past few years, both my wife and I have been diagnosed as having ADD. I’ve been more active in seeking help with “fixing” some of related aspects of my life than she has with education, medication, and counseling. Lately I’ve felt like I’ve been bogged down on making any progress and have slipped back into some of my old habits like clutter, too many projects started at once (and not finishing them), dropping the ball or being forgetful on important things, and I’m back to a general “fly by the seat of my pants” approach to things.
I really would like to change my life in regards to “clutter.” I really feel like if I could manage this that my level of mental clutter would at least partially fall into place. I’ve lovingly nicknamed my wife the squirrel of the house. While my “file-by-pile” approach and constant searching for things is bad enough, my wife shares this and to add to it seems to constantly and randomly move things and doesn’t have the foggiest idea where or even if she did. Sometimes its small things like a kitchen utensil and other times its very important things like a bill, something for my work, or one of the worst was an IRS notice I found on accident by the grace of God 2 days before the deadline to respond (and months after it came). All is well that ends well but……AHHHHH!!!
Clutter being one of the most bothersome and time wasting issues to me has made me very frustrated with myself and my wife. “If I could only…….” haunts my thoughts. I have this image of how I’d like things to be but I/we can’t get there. It seems like any progress is so short lived and relatively so small to the big picture that frustration sets in almost immediately. I know my wife tries and has made some great steps, but its very frustrating for me being my own biggest critic to stay positive with her when I feel like she’s seemingly not nearly as interested in doing anything about it.
Trust me I’m pretty much a whirlwind of chaos. I love my wife dearly. She’s my best friend and a very blessed soul- but when it comes to the more day to day aspects of our life together and trying to work on some systems or habits to improve our daily life I find myself with the attitude of with friends like this, who need enemies.
So are we too much alike? How can I work on me when my wife fuels the problems? How can two people balance individual progresses and short comings when by whatever means they constantly undermine each other and feed off each other’s habits?
I'm very interested in hearing what others have to say about this topic and any ideas for dealing with me and my issues, getting my wife to try and work it, and how circle of chaos can be minimized.
Disorganization in 2 ADD household
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
The most important thing that I read in your note was "Trust me I’m pretty much a whirlwind of chaos. I love my wife dearly. She’s my best friend and a very blessed soul- but when it comes to the more day to day aspects of our life together and trying to work on some systems or habits to improve our daily life I find myself with the attitude of with friends like this, who need enemies." This said two things to me - you want to be with your wife and understand her and also that you understand your own shortcomings as an organizer.
First, no matter how frustrated you get with your wife about her organizational skills, know that you can only affect your own organizational skills. Sounds as if you have already talked with your wife about your needs in this area, so perhaps it is time to start setting some boundaries. For example, if bills are one of the biggest issues, how about if you are completely in charge of them? See if you can set up a system where you are completely responsible for the mail - bringing in the bills, sorting out the junk, and immediately putting it in a place where she won't get at it. Then you won't have financial issues resulting from your piles, at least. (I have a special basket just for mail that I put all of my non-junk mail into. I have a big brass wash tub that I throw all unread magazines into so I can find them later and they don't clutter up the house. As a system, I find this gets most of the "incoming" paper into a place quickly so that it doesn't pile up and drive me nuts.)
Another option for you might be to find a room that is all your own. I use our guest bedroom as my office, and I can keep it however I want to with no one questioning or interfering. My husband uses the basement. When he needs a break he goes down and works on his bikes (and trust me - I would NEVER try to reorganize his bike area!) Perhaps you can create a room to which you can retreat when you feel your wife's lack of order is getting the better of you?
You ask the question of whether you are too much alike. It sounds to me as if that is a good thing - you have an inherent empathy for the issues she goes through with her ADD and vice versa. But that doesn't mean that you have the same priorities. Sounds to me as if the piles are a bigger issue for you than for her. If you are genuinely under distress about it and you find that it is interfering with your ability to love her, then you should communicate this with her, and ask for her loving assistance, simply because it is becoming an issue for your continued success as a couple (as often say - in marriage, my problem is your problem and vice versa). However, if your problem with the mess really stems from the fact that it is a reminder of how hard it is to make progress in staying organized with ADD and you are feeling down about your current lack of forward momentum, then maybe the issue is yours, not hers, and the solution is for you to find a way to start moving ahead (and, perhaps, letting go of feeling bad about the mess). If it makes you feel any better, it is extremely common that people who have been diagnosed with ADD as adults find themselves in the doldrums for a while once the newness of their diagnosis wears off. It is all too easy to slip back into bad habits...but try not to as, with continued effort, you can start seeing progress again.
Terry Matlen has a number of good books about organization for people with ADD, as well as a newsletter. That might be a good place for you to start. You can find a link to her site in our blog roll at the bottom left of the home page. Terry is also a guest author at this site, so I'll see if she can offer you some concrete ideas.
Good luck!
Melissa Orlov
I really like the FlyLady
Submitted by nikkiana on