Submitted by ADH9er on 05/23/2016.
Anyone Here, familiar with the posted relational wariness of ADH9er & I'm so exhausted, willing to offer their impartial, outside-looking-in observation of our dizzying flatlining cycle ? (Your honesty and 'shorter winded-ness' would be much appreciated by the guy asking the question) Thanks
Online impartial observation
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
Online impartial observation of someone else's offline life is procedurally impossible
ADh9er,
I suggest that if there were to be a third person involved in the healing of a relationship problem, the best third person for participating in that is offline, is examined and found acceptable to both of you, and is able to be physically present with the two of you...simultaneously.
Now
Loop d' loop
Submitted by Zapp10 on
I have read both your posted journeys.....so similar to ours...and interestingly we are at another "impasse" ourselves that has no definition. We are both weary from this.
We talked just yesterday...made headway.....slid back.....headway....back....WTH? I am not speaking just for myself here. My spouse is just as much .....discombobulated?
I have spent last night and this morning pondering the WTH why can't we move forward.....together?
Here's a brief thought on my view that I am thinking may be part or the whole of it...
We have both through this discovery of ADD have had to delve into ourselves...what we did and do, why we thought or think, what we say and don't say. I am speaking from my experience that I have come to see , I have never known who I was ENOUGH to be secure with it. NO ONE is to blame. I found answers to questions that "followed" me my whole life. I was more than too young to make a marriage decision....I was too young, immature, ignorant(about life) to do much of anything. I, seriously, cannot believe WHAT I didn't know!! My spouse wpould agree that he was pretty much the same way. Now fast forward and here we are....2 good well intentioned people who spent a lifetime "stumbling along". We are NOT the same 2 people from our youth, life is growing closer to the end and through no one's fault..we have come to see our newfound discoveries and differences and are stumped at making them come together.
The ADD is NOT an issue...his denial that it AFFECTS US is. For me....I am on the line apart regardless of the ADD and that makes me sad and again......confused. It feels like 2 strangers trying to have a marriage.
I think I am saying the ADD brought to light issues that have nothing to do with ADD so the outcome of this marriage ending is not ADD...BUT the opposite is...if the marriage succeeds...it will be THANKS to the ADD
SO......can you make anything from this?.......cause I'm not sure I can.LOL
I totally agree with NoworNever
Wow, Zapp
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
Wow, Zapp
I think I am saying the ADD brought to light issues that have nothing to do with ADD so the outcome of this marriage ending is not ADD...BUT the opposite is...if the marriage succeeds...it will be THANKS to the ADD...
.... Bringing to light the issues, calling the questions
All my best.
Now
Uh oh....
Submitted by Zapp10 on
As I said in the above post.....I have been doing alot of seeking and searching and trying to come up with WHAT is something I am missing here. I have this nagging feeling I am the one not seeing something. Not necessarily with me but more in my H. Our interactions have this "odd" sense to them. 3 days ago we had 2 "moments" within hours and I was left thinking.....this is NOT ADD .....there is something else going on here. I have said at times it is his pride getting in the way and yet he acknowledges and does try. I am seeing things that in his trying are TOTALLY confusing to HIM. The biggest thing I am seeing is his affect, his speech, his countenance, the non emotion is off more now....even though it has always been there we have just said ..oh that's H" HE is a smart likable man who is trying to understand ADD BUT he can't seem to get it....and that's why I started searching further.
I had stumbled on this a couple years ago and while I was pretty sure....I wasn't convinced and I think truthfully I knew that his having ANOTHER issue with the ADD was NOT going to be a possibility to HIM.There is no way to confirm this as he will never go get a diagnosis but I am certain he is on the Asperger scale. I say this because there are WAAAY too many similarities and I have searched it through and through....the differences between ADD and Aspergers.
People with ADD CAN understand and see their issue once they become aware of it but people with Aspergers cannot so easily do this, IF at all. They are co-morbid with ADD usually being diagnosed first. While a proper diagnosis is needed and since that is not going to happen and there is no way I am telling H ANYTHING I have a lot of thinking to do. I am giving careful thought and I,of course, could be wrong ......but something tells me I am on to something and no....I really did NOT want it to be this...............I wonder what MORE I need to do NOW...and if I even have it in me to do....sigh( ok that was a momentary pity statement....I'm over it now):-)
I'm not asking about Aspergers because this IS an ADD site and I surely do still need help with that!!
Zapp, my heart goes out to
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
Zapp, my heart goes out to you. And to your H. Just one thing, from direct experience: as I ran into it, in life, Aspergers and ADHD/ADD are two different things, as far as I can tell. Even if one person has them both. Have you run across Tony Attwood's work on AS? Hugs,
ADD9er....Same Advise
Submitted by kellyj on
I'm basically saying the same thing to you as Zapp and NowOrNever said but in my own words.
We could tell you exactly what we see and it might even be right....but until you can see it yourself (and Liz ) together at the same time....it won;t do you much good. It might help a little with a particular issue....but it's not going to solve the overall problem for the one reason you aren't going to be able to see it. You're too deep inside of it and trying to see it from the inside out.
The only way you're going to be able to see it yourself....is looking at it from the outside in which impossible since you only can see one point of view going at it looking for it the other way.
What was/is most useful in coming to this forum and reading all the stories here about other people....is it gives you an opportunity to see it through the eyes of the on looker.....outside in.
But if I haven't driven this point home enough without saying it directly.....I couldn't have done this all by myself without the help of my Therapist because he's an expert and he knows what he is talking about.
And to say this on top of that.....no one here knows what they are doing any more than you do including myself. You can't really trust us to have that same kind of expertise. All we can give you is an opinion where a good Therapist who knows what they are talking about...can be trusted to give you more than just an opinion....but solid substantiated advise that you can trust.
A therapists like mine....is my third set of eyes and one I can always count of to be right most of the time. Even he is not always right....but I've found with a great deal of accuracy...he right about 90% of the time.
Mostly....the opinions and advise we could give you are like throwing darts a dart board blind folded.
Having said that ADH9er. I've really tried to quote or speak from the things I've learned directly from expert sources like my T. I've tried to point that out whenever possible so many of the things I've said if I have made that distinction....might serve just to show you that solid advise like this is what really works. But it's taken years of him explaining it to me in great detail for me to really understand it and put it to use. That is something you cannot get from just reading the advise in it's condensed form alone or by reading it on the internet. You have to have someone do this live and in person and be able to ask questions for the pats that you don't understand.
I want to point out something that is really important in saying that. You've got your issues....and Liz has hers. And then the two of you have yours together...which means......you have to go get help with your issues by yourself alone....one on one. And Liz needs to do this or has already done this for herself as well. Once you do that.....then you go together to couples counseling for this to really be effective.
My personal opinion in this comes from that experience. Others may not agree and say couples counseling is fine without doing that and I think that is will work too. I'm just saying....I think it works better by doing it the way I just said and for me...this was the difference between being moderately effective....and being extremely effective in all plositive ways. Just my personal experience with this that's all.
J