This post is aimed at people in long term ADHD marriages. People who likely have children together, who feel that their spouse is an incredibly beautiful person but for the ADHD behaviors, and people who love their ADHD spouse and absolutely hate the fights.
There's a lot of great information on ADHD online but nothing I ever read told me the absolute truth. I only learned the real truth when my ADHD wife of ten years told me that she wanted to separate from me over another of many fights over money. We have two amazing boys together, one of whom also has ADHD.
Let me cut straight to the point: your ADHD spouse is happy despite all the disaster in the household - the same disaster that drives you crazy and made you come here to post. When you figure out WHY they're happy despite the disaster, you'll understand.
They're happy because they have people in their lives that they love, and that is the most important thing there is. If you're working overtime and worn-out to the bone and yet still broke all the time, it's natural to get mad about that. But ask yourself this: who are you earning the money for? Why are you putting in the crazy hours?
If your ADHD spouse refuses to take medication for it and talking about it becomes a fight every time, then ask yourself this: everything you fight about - would you rather have the money right or the house clean without them around, or do you realize you're doing it all for them, and you need to learn to shoulder the extra burden with a smile because the burden means there's someone there who is worth the burden?
Online they tell you that ADHD spouses want to be loved as they are. That's right. They don't love being broke anymore than you do, or having things a mess. But they love you. If that's not the most important thing to you, then by all means, get out. But if love is the most important thing to you then all you need to do to go from being miserable to being happy is change your frame of mind. Start thinking like them instead of trying to have it the other way around.
Sorry - but certainly not *MY
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Sorry - but certainly not *MY* experience.
I want to be loved too - I want to be cherished too. I can live with out a clean house, and have for 7 years. I can live with out ALOT of things that I written off at this point - but what I CANNOT LIVE WITH OUT is that same adoration, that same love that I give to him. I cannot live with a spouse who thinks that all he should be responsible for is EXISTING and not giving anything to the relationship.
You can absolutely love someone and detach from them and move on to meet your own needs. Its what I am doing right now. I love him dearly - but I have had enough of the lying, the apathy, the lack of ANY sort of affection or empathy, the constant battle of his addictions and him proving to me over and over that what he wants at the moment will ALWAYS be more important to him that me his wife, his marriage or his family. FUCK THAT.
ADHD is a condition that can be and SHOULD be managed or it causes pain and chaos. If you are not putting in what you expect out - to hell with that.
EDIT: The more I read your post the angrier I got - and I apologize for that, as I am reading it through the haze of my current experience. So take that for what you will. But I find shaming the "non" spouse for taking a stand and for not being "accepting" enough is pretty crappy thing to do. The people on here who post - WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH HELL with ADHD and ADD spouses who do not bother to treat themselves and who show every day that WE DO NOT MATTER. So please - dont tell me i just need to "love him more". Thats just an insult. And maybe you can explain that to my ADHD spouse who has flat out told me he "doesnt love me" with words = but most esspecially with his actions.
Tell me - are you ADHD or are you a non ADHD spouse/significant other/family memeber?
This does fit me
Submitted by dancermom on
Every relationship is unique, every ADHD person is unique. There is no one size fits all. But I do think there are some patterns and one of the patterns is the one above - where there really is some love and affection underneath, but it's getting clouded and distorted by the friction of dealing with the ADHD stuff. This feels like what has gone on with me and my husband. By intention, by goal, my husband would be my biggest cheerleader. And his physical affection for me is in no doubt!!! We look across the room after 20 years and I still melt.
That doesn't mean it's true for all couples. Stacey, I would never minimize the experience you have had of realizing that your husband does not really have space for you to be a person with needs. He's bailing.
As we are all on here looking for the resources that are helpful, some of us will resonate more with each other than others. Can't that be ok?
That doesn't mean I am going to totally give up my own self and goals and allow his (insert list here!!!!) to trample me over. I have to find myself and be more true to me - while at the same time understanding more clearly what things are harder and easier to move behavior on. Both for me and for him. I am still in the understanding process right now. There are things that are hard for him that I never truly understood how hard they are, since they are so easy for me. I wish I had wasted less time years ago pushing on some of those big boulders when I could have been helping move pebbles around. He was NO help on that, and now I am learning to observe behavior rather than listen to all the talk.
All the best to you Stacey.
Dancer - I absolutely agree!!
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Dancer - I absolutely agree!!!! This is very very very true, and critical to understand: "Every relationship is unique, every ADHD person is unique. There is no one size fits all. But I do think there are some patterns and one of the patterns is the one above - where there really is some love and affection underneath, but it's getting clouded and distorted by the friction of dealing with the ADHD stuff."
I think thats why I took such issue with this:
"Online they tell you that ADHD spouses want to be loved as they are. That's right. They don't love being broke anymore than you do, or having things a mess. But they love you. If that's not the most important thing to you, then by all means, get out. But if love is the most important thing to you then all you need to do to go from being miserable to being happy is change your frame of mind. Start thinking like them instead of trying to have it the other way around."
This completely dismisses mine, and many other's experience where we HAVE shouldered the burdens, and truly love our spouses- and yet our needs are just meant to be forgotten? With a smile on our face - just keep going, supporting our ADHD spouse, loving them, cleaning up after them, paying their way, all the while being neglected, unloved, lied to etc. NO. True love involves boundries and it doesnt mean someone should be a doormat for a person with a disorder that they refuse to manage or treat. My husband hasnt read a SINGLE BOOK about ADHD, or a single chapter, or article - I believe he has skimmed, but nothing more than that. I am supposed to do all the work, keep this relationship alive while he just happily goes along, treating me the way he does and give in to every desire and whim he has - NO WAY. He point blank told me the same thing - he just wants to be loved for who he is, and that I should not let anything he does or says affect me at all. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just because someone has ADHD or ADD - doesnt excuse them from the responsibilities of being in relationships with people - and until they become hermits and have NO DEPENDENCIES on anyone else for a job, or hobby or ANTYHING AT ALL - they better get on the ball of treating people with respect and kindness and manage their freaking symptoms JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE has to do.
Sorry- I am just really getting tired of the excuses. I know my H has issues, I respect that he does - and I have gone to the ends of the earth to give him the tools and weapons he needs to manage those issues, and the supportive and loving environment to do it in. What did I get in return? NOTHING. No - thats not true, I did get lies. I did get him telling me that he only wants to be married when he is in a good mood - the underlying threat being "better not upset me or I will leave!!! NANANANAN". Accusations that I am controlling him. Gaslighting me - doing and NOT doing things - but telling me he didnt and did - all the while trying to make it seem like I am the problem. Me being the sole financial support in the house- and him NOT holding up his part of the bargain - causing my stress to go through the roof. No emapthy and loving support through multiple traumatic deaths. Him leaving me - and me cleaning up them mess he left behind TWICE - both times coming back with promises and commitments that he is now "not in the mood" to keep - because thats how commitment works, they only matter when you feel like keeping them. NO. I am done with it.
He wants to leave he can - and no amount of me "understanding" "accepting" and being OK with him taking taking taking would keep him here. Get that? He is leaving because even though I did ALL those things for him for 7 years - its not enough. Well fine. No problem. I know my own value - I know what I want. And what *I* want is to be "loved for who I am" - I want to be in a relationship with people who I love and "who love me too". I am tired of being in a one sided relationship - always on the outside wishing to be invited to the "party" of his life.
Sorry - today this post just really sat wrong with me - like I said - I am reading it through the haze of having DONE all that and then be left in the dust because he doesnt want to even hack it as a husband. I put my boundries up and I am done playing the role of doormat. He wants to be in me life - then he can shape up, start doing the work and prove it to me - if not - he can go out the door with my blessings and I will move on in my life because I have good stuff in store, and frankly *I* am worth that love the OP talks about.
I am dont being selfless and throwing myself on the alter of loving a man who I have to beg affection from. I am tired of waiting at the door hoping he throws out some crumbs to keep me alive for the night. NO. DONE. And I am done with the excuses and BS of "oh I just cant help it". I have my own issues (clearly ANGER being a big one right now). And I work through them and I bust my ass to make sure that I dont take things out on people. I dont get that in return though. Because "its too hard" BOOO FREAKING HOO. Life is hard. You either step up or die.
if he doesn't love you, care about you, the rest is irrelevant
Submitted by dancermom on
Stacey, it sounds like you could probably have been Snow Freaking White.. and it wouldn't have mattered. So sorry to say. Really seems like you gave it your all and he DIDNT.
LOL yep - I could have been
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
LOL yep - I could have been Snow Freaking White, Cinderfreakingrella - and every other princess and pornstar out there. In the end - it still would have been ME and I am not enough.
I really did - I went further than I would have for anyone else, because I looked at our 30 year friendship plus the 7 years we had together. I made many mistakes in my first marriage - most of which from not knowing how to be a better person for my late husband. I didnt want to make those mistakes here. So i worked at it - HARD. On myself and being his support for his fight. He didnt give anything save for a token, surface sentance stating "I am trying".... thats where it started and thats where it stopped. SO BE IT.
You know what Dancer? I *AM* Snow Freaking White. I am the real deal - and if this relationship has taught me anything at all its that I am made of titanium, that I am WORTH SO MUCH MORE, and I know what I want - and WILL NOT settle for less. I will NEVER allow someone to treat me like this again. And I dont need a prince charming to save me - I will save my dammed self. If I find myself a handsome prince who happens to treat me like the gem I am then I might let him come along for the ride. :-)
Golly gee!
Submitted by redhead1017 on
You mean that ALL we need to do is just smile and accept that someone loves us? That was the secret all along to shouldering the burdens of decades of unemployment, lack of responsibility, childish behavior, and temper tantrums?
Thank you so much for enlightening us!
Right??? If only..... If
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Right??? If only..... If love was the solution- I would have no problems at all in my marriage. I love him more than life itself.
I look at it 2 ways - he is either using me for a lifestyle - or he is just avoiding and running away from issues that will not go away when our life together does. Either way - I am completely insignificant to him, because what he cares about is his wants and his needs. And NO ONE ELSE MATTERS ENOUGH.
Consistently Inconsistent Stacey
Submitted by kellyj on
I caught something you wrote in another post that hit me and you are absolutely right. It is....what ever it feels like....in the moment. What ever he feels now....is what it is. Which means...that could change tomorrow depending on. This is what I notice...with my wife too. I looked this up to try and understand it better...and what it appears to be as defined...as emotional processing of rational facts. There appears to be no logic...when logic should be applied to anything. Somehow....feelings and emotions get mixed into perceptions and logic in a way...that do not get separated out as they should.
Take the up coming election for example. My wife want Hillary to win. Okay...no problem there. Given the options....I'm thinking I no choice there either IMHO. But I'm using a lot of things to make this decision, but mostly....I'm basing my decision on who would be the best executive for the job. Who is likely...to do what they say they will do...and who is likely to be able to do the job of President the best? My personal feelings in particular...about either candidate, about republicans or democrats or which party they represent, or any ideology involved...has little or nothing to do with it...given my options? I don't actually believe either one of them....to do exactly what they are saying...just to get elected. Once in office....what ever they said to get elected will have little to do with what they will be confronted with and the problems they will have to deal with. If they are doing their job well....they will be representing everyone on either side and will have to compromise from where they are now....what ever they say. They don't even have the power...to do anything they say unless it goes through congress and the checks and balance system we have. No President...has ever been able to do...what ever they want anyway with few exceptions. It's how it's designed to work. It's just a job....and they can only do what is possible within the job description...up to a point.
As I was discussing this with my wife...she is very clear on why she wants Hillary to win. Because she's a woman...and we've never had a woman president before. As she (feels).....it's about time...a woman get elected President based on here own personal feelings about the topic of women, being a woman....and fairness to women and that's it. It's an emotional decision...based on the fact...that she's a woman...and feels that women will be more empowered if a woman is elected President.
I wouldn't care....if the best person for the job and could do he job the best....had two heads and was a hermaphrodite.....if they were the best person to do the job....based on the facts, their track record and being sound in their reasoning ability...and made good sense in a rational, pragmatic way which are all the kinds of criteria one might use to do a good job and not be emotional in their decision making. Emotions and feelings are completely irrelevant to the point....might even be a detriment...if a crisis arose.
It's this kind of emotional reasoning....that is apt to change with the seasons, the time of day or what ever is going on emotionally....in any given moment. And the decisions and conclusions that they come up...appear to be tied to the way they feel....depending on.
I can't say....that I am immune to this completely either....but at least...I over ride my personal feelings....and not let my emotions...do my decision making for me. I have my moments like this too...is what I'm saying. But I don't have a complete inability to over ride my emotions and feelings and not being able to separate them to know which is which?
From what you wrote about him changing and doing well...and then giving up....this seems to be directly tied to his emotions and being completely hi-jacked by them?
J
Yep - you are exactly right J
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Yep - you are exactly right J. His emotions completely hijack him. His fears control every aspect (though he would never believe it as he "FEELS" better when he is running away.) See what a trap that is? He cant see the forest for the tress.
Of course - i could just be deluding myself... and I am sure that there is some truth to what I have always wanted to deny.. That I was simply an answer to a financial problem.
Funny how I waiver between thinking he is just afraid of his monsters, and that he was just using me. Maybe its a bit of both. Who knows. I know that when he left our home before - he point blank told me he didnt remember anything, that he didnt THINK about us, me or anything at all. Just his game.
I guess i should be glad this is all happening NOW versus another 7 years.
His mother told me that he would always hold me in high regard.... high regard... for all I have done, and all that I am... he can keep it. I know what regard he holds me in. He showed it to me with how LITTLE he ever did for me. How little he cared...
Right now I am hurting. But I wont for long. My friend came over today and she went through something just like this - only escaped alot faster than me (she clearly has a better brain than me). She told me that as hard as this feels now - it will be SO. MUCH. BETTER. onces its done. Because there is NOTHING worse than being alone in a marriage.
Here's an Example Stacey
Submitted by kellyj on
When we leave the house and go somewhere fun or enjoyable. My wife is in a good mood. When we come home...and she see's the dog's have pooped somewhere....there is something left in the sink (a glass ) and she smells something funny that she doesn't like....all of a sudden it's "it's your fault the dog's pooped on the floor....YOU left a glass in the sink...and that smell? What's that smell? " While she starts frantically going on a hunt...to see what this smell is all about? Who knows? I think sometimes....when the house gets closed up...and it's hot outside...the smells that are already there...get intensified. "Well...if you didn't..." or "Well if you had done...... it wouldn't smell so bad."
This happens like flipping a switch...and now she's in a bad mood. She is convinced...that what ails her....I had something to do with it and her mood turns directly at me as the cause. Yet....5 minutes earlier...she was fine...before we came home. What ever she feels or senses she doesn't like....I'm to blame and I'm the cause as to why she doesn't FEEL good. When I show her ( I use too but I stopped doing this ) the source of these things all had a real life cause that was not me....she dismisses' me immediately....or throws it back in my face. No acknowledgement of the "real" cause....and is rather perturbed when she I showed her it wasn't me. No ability for cause and effect reasoning. It is completely irrational and emotional and so are conclusions. She JUMPS...to the first conclusion that pops in her head.....and somebody....besides herslef....HAS to be the cause.
She will always say...."you make everything so complicated".
I will always remember....this girl in science class in 8th grade. We were given some chemicals to mix together some chemicals and then measure the reactions as an experiment. This girl was sitting across the table from me and started eating one of the chemicals. I can't even remember which chemical it was..but it was a bright yellow powder with the consistency of flour. I looked up to see her do this right at the same time the teacher who was coming around and checking on everybody saw her and almost had a heart attack. The reasoning she gave for putting this powder in her mouth....was that she thought it looked like cheese so she wanted to see what it tasted like????
Life isn't that complicated....but it is that simple either?????????
J
You have got to be kidding me
Submitted by dvance on
You have got to be kidding me with this. After 21 years, I would rather have the money right then have him around. Why? Because we have more debt than we will ever get out from under and ZERO college dollars for my two sons-a senior and a sophomore. He does not mind being broke. He does not mind a mess. Changing my frame of mind is not going to make DH magically NOT have ADHD. It's not going to magically going to make him pay attention. He is not worth the burden. I am tired of shouldering a burden that never lets up. I am tired of shouldering a burden that is not even recognized as such by the other so called adult in my house. I could vanish and he would not notice. I am not important to him for ME. Anyone could do what I do in the house--the laundry, the grocery shopping, managing the bills. He could hire people for those things and they wouldn't expect any emotional support, just a paycheck. I can tell you exactly why my ADHD DH is happy despite the chaos: he does not register the chaos. He does not notice the chaos. He creates the chaos. I am lonely and alone. He is not worth that.
dvance...I was...
Submitted by Zapp10 on
not receptive to this post either.
I re read it several times...trying to see if I was mis interpreting him and not quite "getting" what he was saying. I have decided that, that is where I am at....because.....I so wish I was "capable" of loving while be made to "feel" like another acquired "shiny" object that had it's place in his life .....for a moment........and I was NOT loved for me....but what I did to make life "easy" for him.
How horribly sad that adhd (denied) causes the destruction of marriage for BOTH involved. I think more NEEDS to be emphasized on that alone. There will be NO marriage where denial of adhd is apparent because the non partner cannot humanly withstand loss of intimacy, SHARED laughter and tears,SHARED goals and dreams, SHARED..."way to go! honey!" SHARED fun times...and tough times, SHARED BEING HEARD.....SHARED financial RESPONSIBILITY.....the list is too long......
There have been times..through the past several years that I have tried to put into words what I want to say to my H. Things like.....
You CAN be alot of fun........when it "works" for you.
You can be so thoughtful......for a moment
You can be industrious.....bordering on chaos
I love your wit......so much more than your "know it all" way
What I do for you......you can get done by paying a stranger
What I do for you......I do it.....for one reason only......love
We do not have a common understanding of what that means........in a marriage. I have needs.....yes, needs. I have expectations.....YES,. expectations YOU have had no problem stating YOURS. And you have had no problem letting me know that MINE are not "necessary." Your ACTIONS speak for themselves.
Can we just be friends?......I could easily be your friend?......I could spend time with you and enjoy it......as a friend. .......because ALL of the FRINGE benefits you have in a marriage you don't have to provide in a friendship UNLESS you want to.(except sex.....because YOU know, that is for me, the ultimate gift of SHARED intimacy in marriage) It would be like the way YOU have been living now.......BECAUSE THIS IS NOT A MARRIAGE.
I would like to ask my H point blank......WHAT are we LOSING by ending the marriage? SERIOUSLY.......WHAT?!
Zapp.... your post made me
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Zapp.... your post made me cry....
I hadnt really thought about what "HE" has lost in this marriage, mostly because I dont think he cares. But you are right. He is destroying the marriage and he will never even know what he did because he never really participated as a husband generally does.
That means that he ALSO missed out on the companionship, the satisfaction of accomplishment together, the absolute, undefinable peace that comes when you can lay down at night, knowing your mate will be there when you wake up... and not just in their heart. He wont know the incredible joy of seeing the one you love strive for greatness and FIND it. He will never know the happiness of giving "that best peice" to someone who give the best back to him. There is fulfilment in having that "shared" existence. And he will never even know that he lost it because he refused to take a risk and open himself up enough to experience it. And it would have changed the game for him - of that I am sure of.
I am sad for both of us. From this perspective - I know I am not loosing much. You cant loose what you havent got. But for him - he is loosing all of that because he DID have it, but was too much of a coward to open his eyes and see it for what it was. He just saw someone fat. Someone who "was controlling" because I refused to accept lies. How very very sad for him.