I consistantly have dreams about my soon to be ex H, and out of 7 years, I can count the times he was a positive presence in them on my hands (probably). Last night I had a dream about him - and I am pretty sure it sums up so much of my frustration...
In this dream, H wanted to make dinner, which I thought was nice. However, he kept waitig and waiting to start cooking, so I asked if he wanted some help, or if maybe I should cook this time and him the next day etc - all met with irritation, eye rolls and "I am doing it". So as he is cooking (finally) he kept getting distracted by his phone which left me to need to check on the meat he was making. I asked him what it was, and he kept telling me it was a spiced meat etc, that he was going to make into rollups. I kept trying to get him to tell me the KIND of meat it was, asking him every which way I could think of - even asking what animal it came from etc. And I swear he was just trying to upset me by not answering. So finally he said it was pork. I looked at him and told him - but I dont eat pork - I havent eaten pork EVER (other than bacon - but bacon is meat candy!). And he looked at me and said "yeah I know" and then got angry at ME because he picked pork to cook. I wasnt even angry when he told me - just baffled and confused that he would make this - knowing I dont eat it. And he got so pissed at ME! He threw down the spatula, started cursing and saying things like "well I guess I am just an idiot" "nothing ever pleases you" etc. I was very confused, hurt that he was blaming me and all i wanted to do was just leave and get away from the house.
As weird as that dream was - it sure does seem to sum up the relationship I have with H. It depresses me. Today stupid FB had one of those "memory" videos and had me and him in it. It made me sad to see it. I just let it scroll on by. I watched it - but had no feeling about it other than - well that was bland.
I am looking forward to rising up. Every day I remind myself who I am, and what my life WILL be. Right now - my focus is on my sweet little dog, and when he is gone - it will be time for a final push to happiness. And I know it will be hard, and I know it will take a long time. Unlike my H - I truly was in love, truly loved him, and truly wanted to spend my life with him. There is alot to let go of as he slips right back into all his old habbits and falls away from me. He will go down into the crevase on the mountain and i will keep climbing. I feel like I have been trapped in this half world for 7 years... . A place where I have been abandoned. I know people have to go through bad times in their life - but I can honestly say the past 6 years have been the absolute most painful and worst years of my life. Save for the bright times reuniting with my parents .... everything else has turned to ash. And while I love my parents in law, and my step daughter with my whole heart - I know I have to let go of them too. THAT hurts... they have been so good to me, and I swear if it wasnt for them - I would have left my current H before anything ever "started".
Anyhow, coming here helps. Helps me get my thoughts out, helps to hear the stories and read the feedback. I know I can be high strung, but I like to think that I am open and willing to see and work on my own faults and issues. Sometimes in my anger I can be blind to my own tendencies, and I dont want to be like that - even though my home is like living in a vaccume, I am relieved I can come here and actually TALK to people. Crazy. I wish I had that with my H. So many things I wish.... But, wishing is for suckers- at least in my current situation.
Funny thing is - I believe that he thinks he will be able to snap his fingers if he decided he wanted to stay. He always is saying that about his exes (he is delusional - they have gone on and have pretty happy lives for them). It is not gonna happen here. I am committed to this ...breakup. As much as it hurts, it could not hurt me more than having more years of this treatment, this in/out, hot/cold bait and switch he puts me through. I have no more desire to be with someone who is so blinded by his own wants and desires that he cannot see the people around him. I know he has issues, and he has real struggles - I would never belittle those. However, he is CHOOSING to "keep" them, and I will not spend my life with his monsters and allow them to damage me further.
My life - while its hard right now - will get infinitely better and easier when he is no longer actively able to hurt me. I know that I will have a lot to overcome when he leaves, but at least I am doing the work NOW to bet me to that point. Unlike him - I WILL do the work to better myself and my life, and I will reap the rewards of doing it.
