Those intense changes? Those ones I was so proud of for my H that he had accomplished over the past 3 weeks? Yeah... those... Another false start...
And we are now back to our regularly scheduled - NORMAL programming. Back to the chain smoking and videos. No more projects (even though there is a long list of things he hasnt done in ages). he hasnt done his pushups that he committed too (not to me - to someone else). He never went back up to his 20 minutes on the elliptical (at least he is doing 15 I think - which is GOOD). He did some weights yesterday - not sure what his routine is, or if he is just going on the fly which is what I assume.
But everything else? yeah... back to the same. I wanted to be proved wrong this time. And I dont think that is happening. Funny how much I WANT to be wrong - soooo very badly about so many things. The backyard is a mess from storms - today we have a small break in them so we will see if he steps up and cleans up. The back deck is a mess again, his nasty cigarettes and empty boxes, nothing straightened, just thrown everywhere...
Same shit different day and he doesnt see it. Took him 3 days to clean the counters even though there were nasty dead flies on it (I didnt say a word until i finally got grossed out and asked him if he planned on cleaning the counter like he said he would).
Soon - soon enough all will change. I hate that its all contingent on my sick dog - really messes me up to wish that I could just move forward, and knowing that means my dog will pass. When I DONT want that. I love that dog with my whole heart.
Ok - so he DID clean up the
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Ok - so he DID clean up the pool. Side yard still isnt done and that is something that I have asked for for a while, and I am proud of him for doing his pushups today. He said he was able to do them yesterday and today with out stopping so that indicates he did them yesterday, though I didnt see it for sure. (doesnt mean he didnt do it though).
He is on the elliptical right now - after working hard on the pool. I am impressed with it. I hope he continues to work hard today - and gets back into the routine he set for himself before. He has a tendency to procrastinate, say he is going to do stuff on the weekend (in order to relax in the week) and then the weekend comes and he never does it because "Its the Weekend"... we will see how the rest of the week plays out.
Stacey.....
Submitted by kellyj on
If you read what I just said about what I discovered going along with what my therapist told me? Thinking what might work...is doing the same thing....literally, don't react or say anything...no matter what he does or doesn't do ;..to the point of just acting like nothing happened and everything is Okay. What I didn't say that my T told me as well.....that any perceived disappointment on your part....is big trigger for him to shut down and not keep trying. I don't know what his complaints are against what you do....but what ever you do....don't do those things. As I have now come to learn.....that will call him to dig in and shut down. It's the perceived pressure that he feels from you...even if you're not doing it now...but were in the past. If you apply what I was saying about my anxiety.....my wife is interpreting that to me something that it's not but it is triggering her none the less.
Based on his history....he's got triggers man....you need to stay far away from them for a while I think? As I have come to learn...just how sensitive they can be?
This is really tough for me to do right now....being encouraging....and not showing my anxiety? It might be something similar with you that you aren't exactly seeing...and that subtle ....to that fine a degree or detail that you are overlooking yourself but he's feeling it from you none the less? (radar)
J
I agree 100% J. Thats
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
I agree 100% J. Thats exactly what i have been doing now for about 2 months. I vent here :-) Not for him - but for me. Because i just cannot take being parent anymore. I figure I don't have much time with him left as my little dog is in his last days and very ill. My H actually managed to get a job - I think he starts on the 5th, so he wont be much help here I suspect. We will see how that goes.
I dont have much interaction with him at all to be honest. I limit my conversations with him to what is required (like what do we need from the store, what bill to pay, anything for the dogs, and what we are going to eat, anything logistical) and am careful to not let myself slip into any comfortable routines and fall back to how things used to be. Though - he makes it easy to keep my wall up by spending his time chain smoking and watching videos about WoW. He actually doesnt spend a TON of "free" time in the same room with me... maybe an hour or two each night - while we eat and while we wrap up the day and go to bed. Other than that he is outside, on the deck smoking and watching his phone. I bet he spends 5-6 hours a day out there watching videos and playing on facebook EASILY. Even on days he has projects.
Its not even the smoking - I understand the vice, its the total abandonment of control and turning around and saying that he is doing it because he IS in control... LOL..that bugs me - the irony is completely lost to him. That and his absolute hyperfocus on a video game that previously ruined his life, and he is opening himself up wide for it to ruin it again. This time though I will not let it damage me in the process. I WISH he was watching those videos posted the other day. WOW are they helpful. I watched several and suscribed to the guy. I watched them even with him in the roo - I dont bother to hide my activity from him when it comes to personal recovery and support anymore. I used to so that I would not upset him - but now I just dont care if he gets upset. Hell - I know *I* have been upset for years and am sick to death of protecting HIM from it when HE is the cause of it. LOL
My actions were irrelevant to
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I am sorry Rosered.... it
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
I am sorry Rosered.... it really sucks to know that we have zero impact or value to these men. Its amazing to me really... that they can just walk away or do harm like they do and have a clear conscience and be able to go right to sleep at night. I cant even fathom the mental gymnastics it must take to justify their actions in their own head.
You deserved and deserve better. I hope that you are finding some peace now that you have escaped that tunnel of doom.