My husband is a good person at the core. Loving, affectionate, and faithful. He loves me and his kids and would die for us I am sure of that. He is a loving, playful and affectionate father. He is very smart and creative and ambitious. He is giving. These are the things I love about my husband. Due to his ADD which I did not realize was causing all the chaos in his life (and eventually mine) he is not a dependable person. Financially I lack trust even though he hit rock bottom a few years ago and has done really good with paying his share of the finances since. I never know his schedule for work or life in general. He puts efforts into making room in his schedule for his activities but does not put priority on family needs/schedules or my schedule. My goals, dreams or concerns or unimportant to him and he rarely listenes when I try to discuss. He is emotionally unavailable and pretty much unavailable for any discussion outside of his work or fishing. I never know when he will be home or if he is away on business until he is leaving for the trip that morning. I cannot schedule my own personal time well because I don't know his schedule (we have two small kids so this is why it is hard). Over the last 4 years after feeling like I have been walked all over I have finally created boundaries to keep his chaos "his" and out of my life. I feel very lonely most of the time as I do not feel like he is an engaged partner. It seems he is mostly a figurehead in our lives only. The kids are confused by his "randomness" and schedule and miss him a lot. The boundaries have helped me take back my life, enjoy activities I could not do before because I was always waiting for him to "help." The financial stresses are not as bad because I control the budget and keep a roof over our heads. I work and contribute equally financially. I was hoping the boundaries would solve my problems and then I could have a wonderful marriage and for the most part it has. But now I am left feeling as though having to have so many boundaries b/c you cannot trust the person you have committed your life to is lonely and depressing and I am not attracted to him any longer. How do you take care of yourself and still love the person you are protecting yourself against? I am trying to call up the days when we first met and our independence was cherished. But now that we are a family I long for someone to actually share the family with, to do things with, to know if I am sick or something happens I can call and actually get ahold of my spouse. Has anyone had this experience and how did you get through it to find a light at the end of the tunnel? How did you fall in love again after putting up so many walls to protect yourself? (Ironically enough while writing this my H's mother called and asked me if I knew why a Principal Investigator for the state was calling and asking her about my husband and his business. I just had to explain to not involve me and why to her which now she is having an anxiety attack over us getting divorced. I should have just said I don't know call him but I am so worked up today after him being unresponsive for two days while I was missing work and home with my sick kids I just let it all out at why her son is so hard to deal with! LOL the fun never stops)
Trust, Boundaries and Attraction
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on 08/24/2016.
MrsADD, please dont take this
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
MrsADD, please dont take this wrong - because I do the SAME thing... but in the same paragraph, you described your husband as:
Loving, affectionate, and faithful.
and then imediately went on to describe someone who is selfish, doesnt include you as part of "his" life in some fundamental ways. Who isnt engaging with you and the family, and is only focused on his own wants and needs? Who doesnt meet your needs and forces you into a lonely life full of walls and boundries to protect yourself and family FROM his randomness, his chaos etc.
I have been doing this alot myself. In my want and desire to save a marraige that has long been over (not my doing - its all his). I have been working toward a goal that my H has determined is unreachable so he has NOT been working toward it with me like he pretended. Coming to grips with what I *thought* my H was, compared to what he ACTUALLY is has been very hard, and very painful. I wish like you, I could have a happy marriage, one with my husband in "our" home, who is part of my life and not just there to be civil and get what he wants with out ever considering becoming the man he said he was for me. I am having to let go of that man who was romantic, loving, attentive... all parts of the hyperfocus. I have had to accept that he doesnt love me, probably never did - I was just a means to what he wanted. A solution that he thought would solve his problems - never realizing that the problems he has to solve are with in.
I DID find the light at the end of the tunnel, I DID find solutions - but because he already made up his mind, he could not see them, and would not do the work to climb out of the hole with me. I tried for a long time to do everything I could to arm him with weapons to fight the monsters in his head, and he would not even pick them up because it didnt fit his pre-determined fate that he feels is unchangeable. I love my husband, but am not "in" love with him, that is a feeling that comes and goes - and its directly tied to the connection and closeness you feel with your spouse. If your husband is making you feel all those negative things - it will not be possible to feel "in love" with them.
That said - if you do LOVE him, and he does LOVE you, and you both can work together to manage his issues (really - this requires HIS efforts and commitement to management and recovery as much as yours - you cannot do this alone) - finding that "in love" feeling will happen pretty naturally.
I know this from experience - not from theory.
My relationship with my H has almost ALWAYS been strained and lonely - the same story and reasons you read from so many here. Neglect, emotional withdrawal, not being "seen" or considered in the priority list, accused and assumed of feeling ways we dont, told we are being controlling/manipulative - when the ADHD spouse is actually the one who is controlling etc. We went into counseling, and for the longest time - we could not understand what the real issue is. While he fit all the markers for ADHD and severe depression, there seemed to be an undercurrent of something else that might be either the root of all of the issues, or at least something severe enough to aggravate the issues and cause them to be in the severe range. My husband was resistant to that notion, and then one day - he remembered all of it. He has literally JUST started doing a small bit of work - tracking his emotions in a notebook and with in days, it came out. Suddenly EVERYTHING made so much sense.... we finally were able to connect the dots and start working on true recovery.
When this happened, my H started dealing with the abuse he suffered at the hands of family as a child. He had enough of being a victim to them - and I think it finally clicked that living his life the way he had was allowing them to control him (which is why he never felt in control, and why he assumed that I was trying to control him and manipulate him with my expressions of love to him). Brutal. In so many ways. He started working on recovery for real - he took a stand, and drew a line in the sand. He started working out hard core, he started eating right. He was doing therapy and for the first time EVER he started to rise. It was amazing, it was beautiful. It made my heart skip a beat. That love I had for him - that "in love" feeling that had been there, burried in the pain and defeat of the years of struggling started to come back out. All he had to do was smile at me - and for once it was a real, honest to goodness smile - and my heart would flutter like a spazzy butterfly. That head over heels feeling I had while he was hyperfocused on me in the beggining came back. And I believe it did for him too. While he still was learning how to express love to me in *my* love language, I was learning how to accepts love he expressed in *his* language and try to return it to him in that way. We both knew that recovery would take a long time - probably years. But the fact was - *WE* KNEW that it was possible, and to me - there was NOTHING more imporatant in life than that. I made it possible that he could focus completely on himself, on recovery, on his working out, on his fighting. We got him new armor, we built up a support structure so that he could have routine and begin his recovery push. IT WAS AMAZING. It was like seeing Superman take his first flight. NOTHING could have prepared me for that feeling of pride I felt for him, that feeling of love was overpowering. Not only did I have that true, deep love - that love that is action, and choice - REAL love, but on top of that I had that fluttery "in love" feeling as well.
I tell you all of that - because it IS possible. It ABSOLUTELY IS. But it takes HIM stepping up, drawing a line in the sand and doing what it takes. Its very hard, because ADHD makes it hard to see things as they actually are. And it really does seem to cause the ADHD person to be very self centered. And in my H case, add CSA to the mix and its almost impossible. I say "ALMOST" because it absolutely IS possible to get through it and recapture what you are looking for. But it wont be easy, and it will take a commitment on both of you to do it.
My husband had more memories come up, and then his daughter decided she wanted to move out of state to be with her mom. And he fell. He fell from that first flight. And he never got back up again. And now - because he fell, he thinks its impossible, he doesnt understand that you have to get back up, continue, and keep that commitment to yourself. His self doubt, and those monsters that did this to him have taken control again - and have tricked him into thinking that *HE* is running the show. But the reality is - he is refusing to get back up on the horse so to speak, refusing to get back out on the field and keep working at it. So - we are back to him leaving, he wants a divorce, and I am going to give it to him. He wants to leave because he thinks being here in a marriage with me means he isnt in control. And when he leaves here, he will loose everything he had, and STILL not feel in control. Because the reality is - he is just running away, and being with me represents everything he is afraid of. Because I represent what is real, and to him - that is unatainable. I represent the work of recovery. And he is scared to face that. And I will no longer stand with the monsters that did this to him and enable him to run.
I have accepted it. And I hate it. Because he quit. He is a quitter, just when he had the habbit of recovery in his grasp. Because of a set back. Because its hard to get back up, and dust yourself off and reach again. And imersing into a false world of video games is SO MUCH EASIER than looking someone in the eye and working hard to have true fullfilment. Its so much easier to be pretend powerful in a world that doesnt actually exist with people who dont "really" care about you - because if they really did - it would require a mutual responsibility of care, and that... that is too hard. The easy road is to lie to himself, pick up that phone and loose himself in what ever swirls of color pop up in front of him. Ignoring the world around him, missing out on everything that life can actually offer. And to him - he thinks HE is in control.... he thinks he can manage his addictions to escape....and that is exactly what it is... not so much the specific game (because he will certainly loose himself in anything he picks up if he cannot self manage). But he is addicted to anything that allows him to escape his reality even for a short time.
I say all that - because in the end... he thinks he cannot do it because he doesnt "feel" in love with me. To him - the most important indicator of something's value is "how he feels about it at the moment".... which is INSANE. Because that in love feeling - while even I dont have it right now, I know it could easily come back if he only stepped up instead of cowering down. He says he doesnt love me - because he doesnt "feel" in love. He says he only wants to be married when he is in a "good mood". He has no concept of what a commitment is - not to me, not to his daughter, not to his mother, and most of all - to himself. He thinks that if something is uncomfortable or hard - then its wrong. Because thats what the monsters have taught him. The have taught him to live in fear, they have corrupted his view of what love is, and what control is - so that now he has them switched around in his head. The more loving I got towards him - the more he felt controlled - when the opposite was the case.
I guess all of that is to point out - that while there IS a light at the end of this tunnel - you have to be prepared that he wont see it. It does exist, and if he CAN see it and climb up out of the hole WITH you, then yes - you can find that in love feeling again, and it will be stronger than ANYTHING you can imagine. But you also might be the only one who sees it, and you will have to decide if you move towards that light, that hope and leave him behind if he preferes the darkness of the hole.
please don't take this...
Submitted by MrsADD (not verified) on
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I posted this b/c I wanted to find out what has happened when spouses have tried to solve the issues. You stated the exact confusing part for me, how could someone with such great attributes that I cherish be completely opposite of those attributes? No consistency, thus no trust. I have my own issues with GAD and depression but I see a therapist and I take meds to deal with everything. Honestly, until I had to deal with all this constant chaos the disorders have really not been a problem but the environmental factors always make them flare. My H will not take meds or see a doctor or therapist he feels that adapting to his disability and having empathy is best solution, and he agrees to "try" to make changes. Unfortunately, change is not possible, he has changed some things but some are not controllable. The constant uncertainly, chaos, and non-schedule is too much for me and I fear I am the one who really is unfit for this responsibility of dealing with someone with ADHD. He does not see his actions as issues for me and thinks I am just over reacting. I just can't cope and I feel I am not the fit he needs in his life. I used to volunteer with people with disabilities mental and physical. There were certain disabilities I found I just could not handle. I feel this is the same case. There are certain things I think I am just not cut out for. Maybe there is a better person out there to help him through his journey? Did I mention he also is an incomplete quad, does not take care of his health, therefore is in pain and falling apart? In 10 years I have that on my plate too. Yesterday, in addition to his mother calling and freaking out, I got a call and his truck broke down for the hundredth time and I had to go save him, now he is going to purchase a new one that really we cannot afford. But I just don't care anymore. He came home yesterday after being gone for 2 days with no word from him and I thought wow, I really wish he would just leave again. It has been a grieving process for me to realize I do not want to be married to this man (disbelief, trying, anger, depression etc...). I do not think he is doing these things to hurt me I think this is just the way his life is and he does not know any other way or want to know any other way. I feel so bad in my heart to hurt him but I feel like I am dying. I don't even want to kiss him because his breath is so bad from not brushing his teeth regularly. I am hoping by making this marriage a topic in my therapy sessions I can come to a decision soon.
You didnt cause this.
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
You didnt cause this.
You cant control this.
You cant fix this.
Only he can. Only he can take the steps to make a better life, and if he is content in the darkness, content in the chaos - then he will never change - why would he? All you can do is detach, do not enable move forward in your life. He will have to make the choice to move forward with you or be left behind.
For me, I choose forward. I choose to have a bright future. I choose to challenge myself to become better in every way. I can no longer live under the influence of monsters he refuses to fight. I choose forward. I choose to live my life with out restraint of someone threatening to leave every time they are unhappy or facing a challenge. He says he wants to leave- he is a big boy, the door is wide open and I will not block the way. But he is taking HIS monsters with him. The things he is trying to run away from by leaving me are going with him. A year from now - those same feelings of not being in control, those same feelings of inadequacy, those same feelings of defeat will STILL BE THERE for him. Only he wont have a support system there to meet his needs. He wont have someone arming him for the fight. he will have to look for the weapons and find them himself.
As long as you are enabling his lifestyle as is - his lifestyle will not change. I honestly believe that. He will have to choose to help himself. And if he is comfortable as he is - then why would he.
You have to change you. Change your situation. Change your outlook. I had to change mine. I had to go from the perspective of loving wife, ready to do battle with monsters side by side with the man I love with my whole heart to the position of single woman, looking at a future full of promise on my own terms. I will not let his monsters rule me. And I am not hurting him - HE is hurting him. You are not hurting your husband, HE is hurting himself. He will have to get over it. And face reality that only he can control his fate - AND YES CHANGE IT. Because anyone can. YOu can too.
And that teeth brushing thing... its weird how that is one of the most common issues among this forum.... its like a litmus test or something.
My husband is ADHD, severely depressed and 100% still living as a victim of CSA. He can choose to change his stars.