Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on 10/08/2016.
And again - for the 3rd year in a row... nothing. He cares about the foot ball game, he cares about movie trailers.
I guess I should be glad - it will be the last anniversary. The last day that I hope that he will remember, the last day I will have to pretend I am ok as the day goes by - forgotten again. Wish I could forget. Then maybe it would not hurt so much when he does forget.
I'm so sorry. It hurts.
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
I'm so sorry. It hurts.
Did he mention it at all on his own, without prompting? Did you mention it? If so, what was his response?
Does he know that you're ending the marriage?
I don't really understand why ADHD people, particularly it seems MEN, are so awful about special days: birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day.
I can't help but think that this behavior is not "just ADHD." It shows such a lack of caring, lack of love, and lack of empathy, that it seems to be more than "just ADHD."
Hi Overwhelmed - so, my
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Hi Overwhelmed - so, my answers :-)
Did he mention it at all on his own, without prompting? Did you mention it? If so, what was his response? - He did end up coming over to me and saying "I DO know what today is, but I just didn't know how to act about it because of how things are". Here is the rest of the conversation:
me: Don't worry about it, it doesn't matter. You didn't know how to deal with it for the previous 2 years either, and we didn't have issues then. It's the last one anyway - so what does it even matter.
him: "sorry" and then he walked away.
A few minutes later, he came over and said he was really sorry that he didn't handle it well, said it wasn't an excuse, but that he was sorry. Then he asked for a hug. I really didn't want to hug him - I knew it was for HIM and not for me - its his way of "closing the issue, going back to everything is just peachy". But I did because - what does it matter anymore. its all lies anyhow. Lies told to make the last few weeks of our life together bearable in a pretend civil manner. He immediately went back to "normal", acting like everything was fine. I just wanted to run away, hop a plane and never look back.
Sad thing is - I know he forgot, I know it was a lie that he remembered and didn't know how to deal. I have NO doubt that he saw a post on Facebook about me buying myself a present (which I did because I freaking deserve one after 7 years of dealing with this and not getting hardly ANYTHING in return for all that I have given). I am sure that he also saw a reminder there, as my FB was flooded with them - so much so I had to turn that stuff off because it just hurt too much to be constantly reminded. All lies. All of it. None of this was ever true. I already got his "gift" and cant stop it - its something that has been long in the making and it cant be changed now. I guess I would not change it as what I "got" him is very special. I have been conspiring with an old friend of his to get him down here for Halloween as a surprise. I knew he missed his friend, and honestly I think it would really help him to see him. And I would still not want to take that away from him even if I could.
I still choose to practice love as I told his mother yesterday. She knows the deal, and she is so good to me. She thinks that I am doing the right thing - that he needs to really hit bottom before he will ever figure out that he has always had the choice to do better. I know she is sad that I am walking away - hell she told me that and actually got teared up. I swear, I won the biggest lottery in the world with her being my mother in law. I don't know what I would do with out her.
Does he know that you're ending the marriage? - Oh - he knows. He is the one ending it - not me. He is the one who said he wanted a divorce, he is the one who says he has to "do it his own way". He is the one who said he only wanted to be married when he was in a good mood. And that just isnt gonna work for me. I dont want a sunny day husband... hell I dont even want sunny day friends - the ones that are only there when things are good, and forget it if things get tough. I used to fight him, I used to beg and plead for him not to leave. I bent myself into a pretzel trying to meet his needs, and never got even the slightest return of that effort. So - now, I just have accepted it. He is a grown man, and I refuse to beg for him to give me his scraps and crumbs anymore. I took him at his word and am acting on it. So - he wants a divorce, he will have it shortly. He wants to leave - I am making that happen. Its not what I want - but I refuse to be controlled. I decided a few months ago that I will never allow his threats define my future ever again. My perspective has changed, and while I love him, and I didn't want this - I am embracing it as a chance to change for the better. I want to be the best me that I can be, and I am taking this time to become that better person. My focus is no longer on helping him, meeting his needs, giving him what he needs to manage his issues (CSA, ADHD, Depression).
It seems little - but I have been making some small changes that remove him as the most important person in my life. Because frankly - I am so far down on his list of priorities that he didn't deserve the top spot on mine. This is really silly and dumb I know - but it made me feel better. He has special rings for his daughter and mother. I thought I had my own ring/text tone too - but then I realized that wasn't the case at all. I am set to "default" on his phone. And that stung. That I was not special enough to even have my own "tones"...... so I set him to default. His texts are silent, so if I see them i see them, if I don't, I don't. And I don't care. His ring is default now - so it sounds like any other stranger calling me. He is no longer who I go to with cool stuff I have found, and I no longer plan events and I have started to enjoy pondering what my hobby will be like without his fighting as the center peice. I already have started building up my hobby kit to be focused on what *I* want and not what will be appropriate to support his goals. I know it sounds small - but its a big deal to me. My focus for 7 years has been him. Making sure he had all the things he wanted and needed. And he used that to great effect. Making sure he kept me on the hook with JUST enough to make me think there would be "more" as far as meeting my needs. I told him years ago that I was ok with putting my needs on the backburner while he worked through his CSA issues, that as long as we were open and communicating about where things were we would be OK. But he closed me out, and I cant figure out why. My only answer to that is that he really never wanted ME but wanted what I could provide. And let me tell you - that really hurts. But its the only way I can reconcile what he has done in the last 7 years, only to walk away NOW after making me promise to never leave him, to work through arguments and crisis with him instead of walk away (which I never did, that what HE did).
Want to know how dumb I was? Here is a good example...One time, we had a fight about him lying about something and then getting exposed in a most spectacular and PUBLIC way, and then it somehow turned into him saying he wanted to leave/separate so that he could play his video games etc. Honestly - I cant remember the details much because I really do try to let things go - so I might be remembering wrong and combining two events into one...regardless it doesnt matter for the point....
This "crisis" went for 2 days - after the issue was changed from him lying and getting caught, he was going on about how he could not be a husband and how his video games were soooo important to him and how he would choose them over me, etc (even though that wasn't what i was asking him to do - that what he decided in his head). So I said fine, if you want to leave, then leave and I will get everything resolved and be done with it. I was so sad! All I could do was sit on the bed and cry. It was such a slap in a face to have this happen AGAIN. We somehow worked through it. Sitting on the couch - not 10 minutes after deciding that things were going to be OK - he asked me "So does this mean I can order my new armor now?" - this armor for his fighting hobby that was going to cost 2000.00 +. And I just looked at him... and it hit me that all this making up was just so he could get his armor? I think he saw it in my face because he started saying how he was just "joking" since everyone liked to say how he used me. Seriously.... that is how he justified the comment. I was just so grateful that we had reconciled that I just burried that shit deep in my head and tried to not touch it...
All that rambling was just to give an example of how I feel like he manipulated me to get what he wanted. I can see it in hindsite, but I was so willingly blind - choosing to NOT see the reality of it all because of the emotional breakdowns I was having at him always saying he was gonna leave. Things like this, over the past 7 years, have lead me to the conclusion that while he has been accusing me of controlling him (though indirectly, never naming it specifically - just always saying he "feels controlled", and then saying I am doing nothing when i ask for some examples of what i am doing to cause this) what has actually been happening is a very distinct manipulation and control of me with threats of abandonment. Which he KNEW was my Achilles heel. Abandonment has always been my deepest fear and hurt experienced. He used that against me... And after 7 years, I woke up to it 5 months ago and decided NO MORE. Its funny, I started educating myself on controlling spouses so that I could be sure I wasnt doing anything to cause him to feel this way - because I do work hard to NEVER manipulate him - I want things to be true and honest between us. I didnt want to accidentally or indirectly doing anything that would make him feel controlled. And in that work to educate myself to AGAIN meet his needs, I ended up discovering that while there might be some hints at control because I was trying to set up healthy boundries on MY part, the real deal was he was acting in a very passive aggressive controlling way. It was something I justified as part of the CSA issues he was working towards managing. And I still believe that is true. But he has chosen to walk away from the work of recovery - at least he is not sharing with me what he is doing or going to do for managing his CSA issues. So that justification of him using his coping mechanisms to exert control over me? Dead in the water. And once I realized what was really happening - which came SHARPLY into focus 5 months ago when he said he only wanted to be married when he was in a good mood....I realized that I could no longer live like this. It wasnt fair and I was being used.
Yes, he knows the marriage is over - because I have finally decided that I have had enough and I "accepted" his "decision" that we would never work (somehow he has pretended all these years to be working on something he already had decided would never work - so I guess now that the well is dry for the things HE wants, he is gonna bail). He says he wants to leave - and I say - "
You know where the door is - have a great life". I suspect he thinks that he will feel "in control" when he leaves - but the problem is those "out of control" feelings really have nothing to do with me AT ALL. They are completely related to his CSA issues that he is attempting to run away from. Thing is - you cant hide from that stuff. You either have to face it and do what you can to move through and OUT of that hell, or you resign to live in fear and victimhood. He thinks that leaving me and our marriage will take that pressure off - but it wont - because that pressure has nothing to do with me. All I have done is stood by him and let him know that I was here for him when and how he wants me to be as he goes through that journey. He still has to deal with it EVEN AFTER HE LEAVES ME - because again - it has nothing to do with me. I have acted as his squire. Providing care and support to his "knight" so that he can slay the dragons that impeed his path. I have sharpened his weapons, cooked his meals, watched over him while he rested and carried his baggage on this journey. And now he wants to carry on as a knight, but wants to pretend that dragon isnt there, hoping that the dragon doesnt see him so he can carry on like he has already dealt the killing blow. He wants to pretend so that others around him think that he is in control and accomplished. And lastly - he does not want me as his squire any longer. And that is his choice.
You are certainly correct in that this is not just ADHD - the ADHD aspect is just a part of what the real problem is. I believe he probably was born with the ADHD tendencies, but because of the CSA - those were magnified and "worsend" because of how he managed to cope with what was happening to him. He has severe disassociation where he just "checks out" and he also seems to have intense emotional transference with anger and distrust. In other words, those emotions he had towards his abusers are now aimed squarely at me. This is actually very common - almost textbook - for survivors to do. Its because the feelings of love, trust, romance and sexuality are completely confused in his mind and body beacuse of what he experienced as a child. CSA survivors who actually start recovery typically go through this period with their significant other. Those who abused them were almost always people who were supposed to be the ones who loved them and protected them. So when someone begins the work of recovery, all that anger that usually gets burried, and all those control issues bubble up to the surface and hits the one person who is closest to them - the SO who at that point represents the biggest threat. With your SO - you are typically in a vulnerable position, needing to trust and have faith that they wont hurt you. But when you are have been sexually abused as a child, normally it was the person you had those same feelings of love and vulnerability with that hurt you. Its a very hard phase of recovery for the SO as well as the survivor. But its temporary, and not usually long lasting when you are actively getting help and DOING the work needed to recover. Its 100% possible for him to work through this with a therapist and 100% guarantee that he will NOT get through this with out professional help. In fact, its 100% guarantee he COULD move past this and gain true control of his own life, and its typically easier and faster when doing it in partnership with a significant other who is committed and understands and willing to put their needs aside for a time. The hole is deep, and scary and dark - however there is a path out of it. He cannot see it because being down IN that hole, he cannot see that there actually is a way out. The way out is in shadows and impossible from his perspective, and those of us looking down into the hole can see the escape route clearly (me and his mother and his counselors). He is too mistrustful and afraid to believe me when I tell him there is a way out, and all he has to do it take my hand and I will help him until he gets his own footing. He doesnt trust anyone that tells him the path is there, because he was lied to and tricked before. I get that, but until he takes the risk - he will NEVER find the path out. He says he wants to do it on his own with out help from anyone (which is his normal mode and that has never ever worked for him but he thinks somehow he has all the answers and counselors, other survivors, support groups, experts and doctors on the topic dont know). Its like trying to say you are going to self treat your cancer and expecting things to be just fine. But he will have to figure that out on his own now. Because he wants to isolate.
Its that or he just doesn't want to be married to ME and wants to be free to peruse others. And that fine too. More power to him. I wish him the best in finding someone who is willing to stand by him through all of this, loving him enough to put their own wants and needs aside to support him through his journey. But hey - as long as they are thin right? Don't even have to be pretty... just attractive like a porn star. And if that the case - good riddance.
It guts me. I feel a deep connection to him. My love for him runs as deep as it gets. I have stood by him through thick and thin - and brushed off the hurts and disappointments over the years because I had faith that better times were ahead of us. I put my faith and belief in him honoring his own word. But unlike those chilverous knights of old - his character is not the kind that holds honor high. He wants to be viewed as the good guy, the honest guy - but he isnt. He CAN be yes, but it will take him living up to his word, keeping his promises and working towards goals honestly to do it. He will have to become a man of his word, instead a man of his mood. You cannot expect to ever succeed in ANYTHING if you base all your decisions on what ever emotion you feel at the moment, and you certainly cannot consider yourself someone of good character if you only feel bound by your word when you are in the mood. Its sad to see it. Sad for me to loose the man I love - the man inside this mask he wears. It breaks my heart to have to step away from the dreams and goals I had with the man who is lost now. We had such dreams.... they were amazing and beautiful and COMLPETELY reachable.
Sorry - I know I ramble! You guys really have a way of opening my heart up! Its like group therapy.
Thankyou so much Overwhelmed for your questions. It really has helped me get through the crap in my head. <3
Hey Stacey
Submitted by dvance on
Friday was my 21st anniversary. We did cards but that's it, partially because we are broke, partially because it's so awkward around here. My birthday is Oct 2 and we didn't even have a cake. We went to brunch with the kids but that's it. I got no gifts, no nothing. It's kinda weird. On one hand I don't want to be a baby and expect a big to-do, I am an adult, after all, but on the other hand I would love a big blow out of some sort--a big romantic gesture, something. But I realize that because things are so awkward, that is unlikely and unrealistic. I am past the angry part. I was angry, then sad. Now I am pretty much nothing. Mostly I am upset for the 21 wasted years. I am 46 and I feel old and used up. All I want is to be left alone. I see the results of this bizarre marriage on my 17 year old and it's too late to undo it now. He goes to college next fall-he has learned what he's going to learn from us. That makes me sad. He could have been better with a normal, stable father.
Anyway--I hear you about all kinds of feelings related to an anniversary. I didn't even say anything to my coworkers--I mean really, who cares and what's to be happy about?
Our 4th anniversary was nothing special either
Submitted by sensativa on
My fiancé and I didn't do ANYTHING on our 4th anniversary. We barely acknowledged it, and I'm surprisingly okay with that.
And that makes me incredibly sad.
It's like both of us don't even care anymore.
Sensativa, I have been
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Sensativa, I have been married for 5 years. He forgot the 3rd anniversary, he felt too "akward" on our 4th (though WHY I dont know, we had problems earlier that year but we reconciled - it should have been an great celebration), and then this year - same thing "he felt too akward" though I personally think he forgot and saw something that reminded him of it. He didnt even aknoweledge it until super late.
I made it a day to spend with my good friend, even though I made a point of being home for dinner. One day it will just be another day. It almost is now.
I am sad too. I still care, he doesnt at all.
Dvance, oh gosh, I am so
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Dvance, oh gosh, I am so sorry. That apathy is the worst. In one way it sheilds you from some of the hurt, but in another it hurts even worse when you realize you just dont even care anymore. I am 41, and gave up far to much for this relationship. I have gotten so little out of it, its like being a starving person who has gone past the point of being hungry and is laying down to die. Thats how I feel sometimes.
I didnt tell anyone either. No one cared, no one bothered except for me. I did bring down his oldest friend and had been planning it for a while. How dumb do I feel.
Today is one of those days I guess. I am sorry and wish I could give you a hug. Maybe you can turn your anniversary into something else FOR yourself? Make it your annual spa day?
Oh thanks but it's not that
Submitted by dvance on
Oh thanks but it's not that big of a deal actually. And really, I am as much to blame for my lousy marriage. There were tons of signs before I married him and I forged ahead anyway. I mean, 2 weeks before we moved in together he flew his former fiance out to stay with him and didn't tell me. She knew nothing about me and I had not heard about her. I mean, really, how dumb was I?? Good lord. His apartment was always a pig sty, he got Ds in community college classes, couldn't hold down a job--did I need to be hit over the head?! So it is my own fault that I made such a poor choice of a life partner. I am sorry I wasted 21 years of my life and gave my kids such a difficult father. I always swore I would not be bitter or regretful like my mother, but man it's hard not to be given the fact that we are in tons of financial trouble, have zero college money for our high school senior, own nothing. And DH has been at this current job for 2 years now and that is usually when things start to go south for him. He is starting to complain about the higher ups, saying how no one knows what they are doing, good thing he came along because the rest of them are useless, his assistant is terrible. That's pretty much how it starts. The last three jobs he had, that was the talk--like he is the savior of the company, which is a multi-million dollar company with holdings in many states that was thriving before he got there and will keep on thriving after he leaves, but yes dear--you are the only one who knows anything.
In any case, thank you for the kind words. I think many of us here are pretty sad at the way our marriages have unfolded and most of us realize our part in that and that knowledge makes us even sadder! My greatest wish in life is to live alone. That makes me sad too. I think I am too damaged at this point to be a good partner for someone else.