Last night I confirmed something I long suspected and something inside me just... I dont know... changed. Became calm. I know that where I "rank" in level of importance is very low, lower than his "friends". These friends who are NEVER there for him, who do not do anything for him (unless it benefits them), are NOT the ones to help him through things, be there for him etc (other than letting him pay rent to live in their spare room) will always come before me. I kinda knew it before, but I REALLY know it now. Last night I went out with some girlfriends, and there was a bit of drama/gossip. He always asks me if there was any drama, and normally I would tell him. But this bit could possibly involve one of these friends. And I knew that even if he told me that he wouldnt say anything - I could not trust him. And that made me sad. I knew that him wanting to talk to this friend would outweigh his responsibility to keep my confidence. I should not have said anything at all, but I said there was some drama, but unconfirmed and as soon as I said I realized I made a mistake. And since I am committed to being genuine, I told him that I didnt feel like I could trust him to keep the information private because he would want to bring it up to this group of friends or at least a specific person - when he pressed me on telling him. I had suspicions about a particular person in this group of friends and where she "lived in his head" compared to me, and when I said that I knew that there were some people that he would betray me for - he immediately said "Like (person)?"... and wow. Would have been better to have stabbed me in the back with a knife and let me bleed out than to have done that. How could he have said that and NOT known what it actually meant. Sad thing is - I am not a "gossiper" by any stretch, but I have always believed that secrets between spouses are poisonous - I can keep a secret to the grave, but I have never kept anything from him and I make sure that anyone confiding me understands that I do not feel its right to keep things from my husband - and NOT that I would go out of my way to tell him, but I would be 100% truthful should he ask me (gives them the choice to continue to share if they choose). I still believe that 100%. But... he isnt' my spouse really - is he.. Only in name, and only until he can gather up what he wants before he can leave to lead his glorious single life as a middle aged man with bad hygene, horrible health, complete lack of self control and dicipline - but he will at least 'THINK' he is in control - because he can do what ever he wants and ignore the very real responsibilities he has in life. More power too him.
How does anyone deal with that? Knowing that your spouse would break their faith with you, in favor of another person. Male or female - doesnt matter. I guess I should not care. And I think a part of me cares less and less. I mean - F!@(*$&! He doesnt even wear his dammed ring (because OMG that ring feels controlling - LOL just WOW). And it just became so clear... AGAIN... that I am again, being manipulated. I wish I was wrong. Just two days ago he snapped at me because he was frustrated with what he was working on. I pointed out that he would never treat this group of friends like he treats me - even in his most frustrated state so why did he think it was OK to treat me like that? He said he knew it wasnt, and apologized. I least I got that right?
For almost a year he has been trying, and doing things nicely.... but I don't understand why. Why, when its so clear that I am not important enough that he could keep a secret between , if it potentially involved on of his friends - he would betray that to tell this particular person (who CLEARLY doesn't have that same devotion to him - but you would never convince him of that). Why would he make such changes - and act like a husband when he has no intention of BEING one? I mean - again - he doesn't even fucking wear his ring. I still wear mine, because *I* have what it takes to at least keep my word. My honor is preserved and in tact. But he has point blank said that he is abandoning me at some future point that he has in his head. So is this just to play house while he is here? Is all this ...normalness... just to keep me in line so I dont decide to just pull the plug before he has all he wants? His way to control me - yet again? Probably.
Sad thing is - I know it. And I still choose to act with love with him. He will probably think he is "winning" what ever dumb game he is playing in his head. But he isnt. I am deeply aware of what he is doing and why. But I still choose to act with love in everything I do. Because in the end, I will never let him control me again. I will never let him manipulate my emotions again. And I choose to act with love for ME. Because it makes me a better person every day. Because its fucking hard and not the easy path of least resistance. Because putting my dammed ring on - that represents so much hurt, betrayal and lies - is FUCKING HARD. But I promised to do it, and I am a better person for holding my honor and character above his reach of manipulation. And one day - when we are no longer bound, this ring will come off and it wont burn me anymore. But until then - I keep my word, I act with love, and I will build my life slowly but surely. I am no weak, fearful person who cant hack my own commitments. I *do* have what it takes and I wont let someone's mistreatment of me and lack of value in me dictate to ME how I will behave. I know my value, I know my worth and I refuse to act in a way that is beneath that. I dont want to be that person who runs away from stuff because its hard. You get nothing in life by running away in fear. He is leaving, its his choice, and I will be better than OK.
I am sorry I rambled - and if you read all the way through - THANKYOU. I just needed to vent and get this out. Its just another slash to add to my "death by papercuts" marriage...
Stacey Some Recent Thoughts Concerning "Things" Here
Submitted by kellyj on
Before I launch right in and do my usual....first off, you shouldn't feel sorry for speaking your mind openly? I am not saying you shouldn't feel as you do...but you don't need to apologize more importantly? The reason for this has to do with some of these "Things" that I have been searching for answers for I think.....which seemingly, there doesn't appear to be a lot of specific or good information out there in trying to understand these differences between men and women and the way they communicate specifically related to what you just said? Mostly...you kind of hear the stereotypical stuff..that everyone knows? At least speaking openly in the way you did....allows others like myself to hear what you have to say which just gives more possible insight to the source of these "THINGS" I am trying to understand and to use primarily...as a way of doing these same "things" better with my wife? There is definitely a "gap" here that is more than just apparent...but in conflict with achieving what you want primarily...and then.....how to finally 'get it". I am working off an assumption know...that says....."men and women....both......don't get it??"
So what are these "Things"...that men and women ..."don't get?" What and why....is the main thing I am focusing on which you just helped provide me some insight for myself and my own understanding? I ran across and article on "Leadership Styles in Men and Women" which gave me some clues to these "Things"....that men and women...don't seem to get with one another? And pretty much....what you just said...have "elements" of these very things...contained in your story?
The "THINGS"...themselves, in order to apply them....seem to come directly from the communication styles that are different..and the motivation, values and goals right from the get go? I'll just cut and past the quotes from the article and include the link to read it for yourself....to see if this makes any sense to you? This is where...I am not saying I know for sure...but I have a hunch and a sneaking feeling...that these things are really at the source of a lot of misunderstanding and conflict in respect to these very "things" themselves? I want to point out that the article made a number of comparisons and references that stated that men and women are not different in some of these things...however....these style differences seem to lend themselves as strength and or weakness's...depending on where or how they are applied and to what context or situation you try and apply them? More importantly as the summation of the article without making or drawing any absolute lines or conclusions to gender differences across the board for everyone?
My thoughts about this already....pretty much tell me that the best leaders in both men or women...are the ones who can adapt and change to various situations accordingly and not fall into the gender traps or any inherent abilities or be limited by them and can be more like the opposite sex without a problem or can do this more easily than there respective counter parts can? And I know that there are men and women who can do this...but they are more the exception than the rule? Simply put?
Gender Differences in Leadership 48
While men, due to their goal-oriented approach to leadership roles, may be more likely than women to succeed in finance/accounting occupations, females have a natural advantage in public relations leadership positions due to their relationship-oriented leadership style. This is a prime example of how leadership styles are extremely situational as leadership style differences between men and women suggest success is different roles and occupations. These situational leadership advantages due to gender not only trace back to gender differences in leadership styles but to gender differences in communication styles and influence tactics as well.
Female leaders are more intimate and relational in conversation, making them better suited for a human resources or public relations leadership position in which one of their primary responsibilities is to communicate, listen, and tend to the needs of other people.
Male leaders, on the other hand, use their assertive and powerful speech to succeed in leadership positions in general management, accounting, and sales occupations.
These gender differences in leadership styles should not be looked at competitively. Women are not better leaders than men, nor vice versa, they just have different skill sets and leadership styles due to their psychological gender differences.
Therefore, they should be looked at through different models or lenses of leadership to Gender Differences in Leadership 49 account for these gender differences. These gender differences should not be used as a reason to discriminate against male or female leaders, but rather they should be acknowledged and analyzed so that male and female leaders are placed in positions in which they can best contribute their abilities.
I think this is extremely relevant not only to the things you just said...but in respect to "influence" or the ability to "influence each other"..or of the same gender more importantly? What I know first hand...is there IS this difference that he is talking about without a shadow of a doubt in my mind? And what I can say in terms of "effectiveness" and even to the point of "ineffectiveness"....if you don't understand why? Then you can't understand what the problem is? And coming from a position of being in a lot of different situations with both men and female managers and sales staff in the years of working in the field I have.....I can tell you first hand....that this difference is so apparent..and to the point...to the point of really being almost offensive at times due primarily to these "TACTICS" or strategies being used? And to say this simply...some of the tactics that women seem to employ more naturally...are not only offensive but they feel down right dishonest and manipulative as it comes across to me at times in my past? Dishonest, manipulative and extremely disrespectful which there is only one outcome from this in any of these situations is either being really angry, disgusted or both when I have been confronted with this myself with in some ( not all mind you ) in my dealings with this in the past? I am beginning to see why more clearly...which is exactly what I am trying to figure out and understand myself? Continuing with the why here"
Gender differences in communication styles and influence tactics prove that men and women are truly different types of leaders. This implies that not only do men and women communicate and influence differently, but that they have to be looked at as unique entities that require distinctive models of leadership.
When it comes to bias and discrimination in the workplace, women leaders walk a fine line when trying to fit into the narrowly defined set of behaviors in which cultural femininity overlaps with leadership (Lips, 2009). This fine line is one of the most complex problems female leaders face in the workplace. They are often criticized for being either too sexless or too sexual, too pushy or too soft, too strident or too accommodating, etc. “With the necessity to conform two, often conflicting, sets of expectations.....
That states the problem that women face...but it doesn't tell you why or the effect that has on men...as I am saying this? The why comes full cirlce to the motivation of the two genders in any relationship with each other...or the opposite sex?
The main body of research on leadership differences across gender concludes that men are task-oriented leaders, while women are relationship-oriented leaders. Task-oriented leaders are autocratic, direct, and controlling Task-oriented behaviors are “concentrated on performing the job that the work group faces and are thus similar to those of the initiating structure factor. The leader is concerned with setting work standards, supervising the job, and meeting production goals” These take-charge leadership traits are emulated by men’s characteristics when it
Gender Differences in Leadership 37 comes to communication. As stated in chapter two, men are very goal-oriented when it comes to the way in which they approach communication as they use conversations to achieve results, preserve independence, dominance, and maintain their status in the hierarchical social order. Thus, men’s communication style, based primarily on control and power, mirrors their task-oriented leadership style quite perfectly. This aggressive approach is primarily why men emerge more often as leaders than women in the workplace. Other meta-analysis research has shown that male managers are more motivated to work in competitive environments where they exert an assertive role, are able to impose their wishes on others, and stand out in a group of people.
While men use a task-oriented leadership approach, women are much more concerned with the bonds they have with their followers. This relationship-oriented style is characterized by democratic and participative leadership characteristics. Relationship-oriented behaviors are focused on maintaining interpersonal relationships on the job including “showing concern for employees’well-being and involving them in decision-making processes” (Riggio, 2008). Female leaders tend to assume more of a caretaker role, possibly because of their stereotypical role as a caretaker to their husband and children in the household. Whatever the reason may be for these behaviors, women have a much more interpersonal leadership style than men. This relationship-oriented leadership approach perfectly mirrors the way in which women communicate. Women see the goal of a conversation to maintain interaction with the other person and to seek control and understanding. Creating and Gender Differences in Leadership: maintaining intimate connections is a common primary objective for women across both communication styles and leadership approaches. This is why women emerge more often than men as “social leaders” or facilitators, as opposed to task-leaders, because of their ability to communicate and connect with their followers on a social and emotional level Women, on average, are also more often described as friendly, pleasant, interested in other people, expressive and socially sensitive.
Along with the “take care” and “take charge” stereotypes mentioned in the last chapter are stereotypical gender leadership roles. These roles were defined by a meta-analysis of research in leadership differences across gender by How Leader Behaviors Connect to Feminine and Masculine Stereotypes, were either classified as masculine task-oriented traits or people-oriented feminine traits. Feminine leadership behaviors include supporting, rewarding, mentoring, networking, consulting, team-building, and inspiring, whereas masculine behaviors include problem-solving,influencing upwards, and delegating
And right there...is the reason why? And the parts that I have experienced myself that appear or feel so offensive and manipulative is the ingratiating and the the total conflict in styles when trying to apply it to task-oriented performance and actually production. These two styles are motivated by completely different goals and if the goal is a task and trying to produce results...the female style is severly lacking in any influence that can be felt coming from the opposite direction? Almost..if not exactly.....de-motivating in nature due to how it comes across which has that air of dishonesty and indirectness and within as it said...a more democratic style? For what ever reason...that I am less interested in how it got to be this way....that style just doesn't work with men...in a more transactional style of relationship as a means to influence and get "the job done"...and is using a completely different currency in order to try and do so?
As I am seeing this and understanding this more and more....it's the wrong currency...and trying to apply it to the wrong situation? Like I said....there are both men and women who can do this well..and then there are the majority who default to their inherent nature..and try and apply it and wonder why it isn't working?
This is really what I wanted to say to you Stacey in this one thing that you said here....These friends who are NEVER there for him, who do not do anything for him (unless it benefits them), are NOT the ones to help him through things, be there for him etc (other than letting him pay rent to live in their spare room) will always come before me. I kinda knew it before, but I REALLY know it now. Last night I went out with some girlfriends, and there was a bit of drama/gossip. He always asks me if there was any drama, and normally I would tell him. But this bit could possibly involve one of these friends. And I knew that even if he told me that he wouldnt say anything - I could not trust him. And that made me sad. I knew that him wanting to talk to this friend would outweigh his responsibility to keep my confidence. I should not have said anything at all, but I said there was some drama, but unconfirmed and as soon as I said I realized I made a mistake.
I am asking you here directly so I don't beat around the bush? Could it be...that how you are interpreting his friendships through the same lens as this article is suggesting? That the kind of relationships you have with your friends...is not the same kind of trans actual kind that you see your H have with his friends that is perfectly acceptable from a more male point of view? Could it be...that the relationship he has with his male friends...is not only.....not what it appears like to you...but as he see's your female relationships and this kind of "dishonesty and drama" as he see's it...is something not to be trusted...in the same way you don't trust his friends to be there for him...in the same way you would want your female friends to be there for you? I get this funny feeling that in part....this may be true? I can't know if this is completely true or not....but if you consider...the worst of a male kind of friend in this way..and the worst in a female friend in same kind of gender examples....that the worst of the worst in either case...is still acting and behaving as each respective gender would expect....which is where this gender conflict comes from?
And in resect to saying the "worst" here? If you took the worst of the worst in their respective genders and tried to pair them in a situation where they completely lacked the skills to be anything other than that? In essence....not the men and women who are savvy enough...to understand the difference and adapt and change to the opposite sex and behave..."out of character or their inherent tendencies..and who are smart enough and savvy enough...not to try and apply that to the opposite sex and think this will work?
This is what appears I have run into personally myself at different times with women in leadership or management roles..and I've got to say..that they were not only..not effective...they only ended pissing a lot of people off? Namely men...to be more specific...that were under them and looking for leadership and direction..and got this other version which is like mixing oil and water? Or worse...like gasoline and match....and all you have to do is ignite it which appears to the natural course when these "THINGS" are wrongly applied?
I'll give you an idea...of how a man might lead...for other men and the approach that works...in getting things done? The "take charge example"...and speaking in a way that is effective with men? Just to show you the difference in styles that either works or doesn't work....from my perspective and experience only? I amy be different than a lot of men...but I don't think all that much different and am as stereotypical as the next guy...in some ways for sure? This is a more black and white extreme example just to illustrate how I interpreted this in trying to apply the more "female leadership style" to show you why it won't work or is less effective in a more extreme example where this works perfectly and is perfectly suited to obtaining your intended goal? Just as means to compare the two and illustrate what I am trying to show here? If this helps you or gives you any insight into this..then I have accomplished what I am trying to say to you? Hopefully? And your feedback would be appreciated as well...since I am kind of shooting in the dark here the same as you sometimes? The main thing I was thinking about was the "drama" and how that does not show up in the kind of leadership or style I am thinking about? Short and sweet...is the operant word I think? Take a look and see what you think?
https://youtu.be/P3U9vGt4uZ0
http://scholarship.claremont.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1521&contex...
J
It's touch Stacy; but; you must consider the source.....
Submitted by c ur self on
(How does anyone deal with that?)
This Stacy use to be my greatest suffering through out my time in this marriage...
But, when you step back and look at the big picture of life...So many men and women aren't capable of Loving anyone at the level you are talking about and deserve...
To commit ones self at that level (2=1) is something completely foreign to what many are capable of....It's not about their partner's, it would be that way with anyone, until they come to the knowledge of what real love and commit is and is not....
And in my opinion there are many reason's for it...(fear of responsibility, immaturity, no discipline, self love and the refusal to be accountable to anyone or anything that don't prop up their own self image...to name a few....)
**See the big picture here Stacy** and do not fall into the trap (as I did for so long, which only made things 10 times worse...my baggage) of trying to get (wish) blood out of a turnip...Don't make his inability as a man and husband your identity...
If people want fall to the illusion that because they can love and commit (give themselves) on 2=1 level...That they can expect it back from someone who isn't capable to commit at that level...We can be at rest and make sound decisions....The hells don't start in our minds (thinking of thoughts) until we seek to force it or refuse to accept it....
I suggest you think about a few boundaries...when the same results (realities) keep causing you pain because you trust that you will be loved, honored and respected...But all you get is disappointment...At some point we have to look in the mirror, and more ourselves out of La La Land!....
God is good, and this life is to short to allow ourselves to be our own worst enemy....
I promise you that you can force accountability by non participation...(call his bluff) and you don't have to be cruel, angry or mad to do it....Usually one of two things happen when a well fills in with sand...A man will get his shovel, bucket and rope and dig it out...Or the less committed will look for another easy place to drink, when he has to pay!
C
The Miracle Has to Happen .......C ( edit math correction...lol
Submitted by kellyj on
Taking from what you said.....I have to agree with you, and in respect to what I have just experienced myself with my wife as well...I think I can add some more insight to this from my past as well?
I think at this point in time, it's safe for me to say...that something needs to happen first....before anything else will as far as a person with ADHD is concerned. I could call this many things or relate it a number of well known examples of this in different ways of looking at the same thing?
Breaking a wild horse"
Being ..."taken down a notch"
"Wake Up Call"
Coming face to face with "reality"...or one you never realized or could really see before?
Or any other way saying....coming to terms with yourself and the fact that you suddenly realize....there is more than yourself and what "you think" or "imagine yourself as"........(here's the kicker). You realize it's more "YOU" that's the problem...than everyone else "you thought it was?".
If not for anything else....I got a real good look at myself in the past...when seeing another person in the same place I was...and then experienced what you all are experiencing myself...first hand? Once your "bell has been rung" ...and the light bulb turns on....there is no going back to the safety of what you allowed yourself to believe..and shut you eyes to what you don't want to see? But hardest part in all of this....is the fact that it really isn't anyones fault including your own ( the person who has it ) only in that there are a couple of "facts"...that appear not to be so self evident in all of this?
If I remember right....I think it was in Dr Hallowells book..."Driven By Distraction"...that he theorizes that ADHD...is really nothing more than a left over human quality from our distant ancestors in that it served humans back then and was actually a desirable trait for survival or the species? It was...in the same Darwinian sense...that natural selection brought this characteristic to light in that it served humans at the time...but has slowly by the same process of natural selection...been "bred out" of humans with the remnants of it still showing up in people today as we call it....ADHD?
That changes the perspective of this...so called "Disorder" slightly doesn't it? If you were to look at it that way....then there is really "nothing wrong with you" in terms of something "broken" or "disordered" in that respect...and I've got to say.....( this is just that feeling again with nothing there to back it up ) that I think there is really something to this more than just a theory? And it does..."serve you" in many ways that most who don't have it...might not expect? There is the flip side to the coin and the positive features....that you yourself would not know what they are...unless you could suddenly "strip a person " of having ADHD....for you all to know exactly what would be missing without it? In this hypothetical.....you might wonder what happened and then wonder "who are you????"....without both the good and bad?
So that is both...a problem..and not a problem....speaking of problems and how to get around this? Saying from the person who has ADHD.....it doesn't "hurt" to have it and it only causes problems mainly...in relationship with other people otherwise....there'd really be no reason to pursue trying to change or figure this out in the first place? That is where the wall of denial and defensiveness really comes into play here? There is...."nothing wrong with you" as the person who has it? Only what "is wrong" with some of the thing you do and that right there is the hard part to see and understand coming from the ADHD perspective? If you don't "want to understand or see"....that is the main source of conflict and then....(How does anyone deal with that?)
And in the same way my swim coach replied to us..when we would ask him "Can we.......????"....and he'd say......"not very well" LOL Succinctly put? LOL
Just because I have it...doesn't mean I can't feel the same about it as anyone else here when I have to deal with this now...coming from the other side....that is....the other side of denial and having gone through the "wall" myself to the other side? The problem for me is....I do know how I got through the wall myself...but I can't give that experience or the willingness or wanting to....to anyone else but to say it was easy or without a lot of pain and difficulty and vacillating back and forth for a while....would be a lie and not true? I part of you is still holding on the safety of your own delusion of thinking about yourself in a way that is in denial of the negative aspects of it...which ironically.....makes you more negative and resistant to wanting to go through the process of changing? Changing your perceptions and what you beleive more than anything else?
And in what I was saying to Stacey about "the worst or the worst" as far a any man or any woman...who is so rooted and invested in your own position from you own stand point and in denial of the fact that you're literally...fighting no one but yourself with a chip on your shoulder is big as Texas are walking around spewing venom and hatred towards anyone who is not...."just like you" from a more self righteous position or indignation when ever you see "your counter part"...on the other side of the tracks......IMHO.....this is the same manifestation you see in our political system between "conservatives"...and ..."liberals"....being played out on a personal level? And it gets played out in the same way as a means to "March down the middle of the street"...with a protest sign and taking up a cause?
OMFG!!!! Look at what Trump is doing as we speak? Banning all Muslims ...from entering out country? How many Muslims....who come into this country are card carrying....flag waving...members of ISIS with a bomb strapped to their chest? And he appears to be following through with his plan on spending billions of dollars on this stupid Fucking wall across the Southern boarder and thinking this is going to stop those greasy good for nothing "Beaners" from crossing the boarder and stealing all our hard earned "Wellfare checks and Food Stamps?" I'm am being factitious here just in case that isn't coming through as intended? Crap...has he never heard of a thing called a "Rope?"???? You know.... you can use for things like lowering yourself from a 20 foot wall...or for that matter, a "ladder?" LOL I figure anyone wanting into this country bad enough...can go down to the local Home Depot ( yes...they had Home Depot's in Mexico for crying out loud )..and spend $49.95...on a frick'in extension ladder, even if a few of them have to pool their recourses together and go in on one as a group? I think that might be worth it too them...one might think? LOL You don't think...that with 100's of miles of wall....that they won't find some way....or the right time...to hide in the bushes and wait until they have a chance to scale the wall and drop over it which might take what? 10 minutes or less? Give me a break!!! But hey....that's what Trump does and has done for the past 40 or so years? He builds big structures and puts his name on it for posterity so he will always be remembered? Like some Pharaoh in Egypt who were mummified and buried underneath a gigantic Pyramid built for just that reason and nothing else? And actually thinking they will return to life again and continue their own legacy and "become a legend in their own mind?" Ha! Wait...strike that.....they are a legend in their own mind....that's why they do it?
And look at the death count in the statistical analysis of how many people are killed by terrorists world wide and where those deaths occurred? Boy, and seeing that we are in the "rest of the world" category.....it might appear that they have more to worry about from us...than we do of them? And in the same kind of denial, and in the same "symptom , response, response" loop...that appears to be the problem with Donald Trump and what his followers believe ( out of fear of what "might happen"? ) and the thinking that "we're not the cause or the symptom here at all? Oh no!!! It's them...they're the problem all right for sure!! " It's ISIS and Al-Queida ( "Al -Bundy " more like it ? ) and the entire Muslim race!!!
So, you think the entire race of Muslims in the middle east.... just got a wild hair up their butt...and decided to start "attacking us randomly" for no good reason? If you believe that....I've got monkeys flying out my ass this very minute and we're having a party together as we speak? LOL
graph link I
Yeah,that's it...that's the ticket all right. I've got a bad case of "monkey ass" and that's the problem? Oh, but it gets worse!!! I saw a figure of all the "innocent US civilian killed in Muslim countries" and out of all of them....there have been over 2,0000 killed.... in Saudi Arabia by Saudi's ( our allies or so called "friends" ) and none ( that's "0" killed )...in countries like Iran, Irag, Afghanistan, Lebanon, Egypt and Syria to date ( don't quote me 100% since I can't find the chart I saw ) but none the less......Saudi's, who are our "friends"..show more innocent US civilian being killed at the hands of Saudi's...than any other middle east country combined and none of them these Muslim countries like Saudi Arabia...are the ones listed in the ban on Muslims? Only the countries listed where "0" US innocent civilians were killed are banned. But ones the ones where innocent US Civilians have been killed....are not on the ban list? How do you account from that? Go figure...or not go figure? I figure...that we like oil...and that is what I figure? That...would be a "personal agenda" if I am not mistaken speaking directly to what I see in the same thing...for anyone in denial? There has got to be a reason for it, and there is always a "defense and justification"...of "something" what ever it is that is that is personal to them. That is....that might cause them some perceived harm to do without in the future. Bingo!! Like Duh!!! LOL
So how do you give someone a smack in the head like this and wake them up speaking back to someone with ADHD...who is being a bone head like this?
Dr Russel Barkley in one of his videos that I watched....said something not only profound...but was speaking from scientific evidence and research? As I remember him (paraphrasing) here " This is quantifiable..and there has got to be some kind of external cue or "external consequence" for people with ADHD?
I am only speaking for myself here so make sure I am not saying "WE". No turd in my pocket and nothing up my sleeve? LOL I believe...that a person who is so rooted in denial...that they can't see straight....needs some kind of consequence or "wake up call".....and a virtual "smack up side the head"...metaphorically speaking...in order to get their attention long enough...so they can smell the bacon....and wake up the delusional in their thinking that it's "THEM"....instead of "ME" as the cause or source of the problem? Something needs to happen...for the Miracle to occur..and it has to be something BIG enough so they can feel it...or it will never happen with someone who is absolutely stubborn in their own resolve...for their own personal reasons what ever they are?
A person like Donald Trump is gonner and there is no hope for a mind like that? We're on a steel rail straight to where ever he's taking us...and there's not a damn thing we can do about it now? It's "Too Late for Sharon Tate" on that one so you might as well just buckle up and get your life preservers on...cause we're "Going Down" what ever "Rabbit Hole" this guy is taking us...literally,unless something stops him from heading us in the wrong direction based on some "Holy War" that started 1000's of years ago...or in the name of the almighty dollar with only a handful of people on either side...who stand to "profit" from this and basically, have their heads up their own ass's of denial.... like Donald Trump in this example and for that reason alone?
The rest of us...more like the 75% of all the rest of us...have got to deal with these people..and find our way despite them? It's like the 13% vs 13% ....or better, the "worst of the worst" on either side out of all people who are like this, including the 5% who are terrorists on the other side?
The rest of us....peace Loving people ( the vast Majority!!! 75% of people everywhere around the world apparently )...want nothing to do with these assholes, and just want to live our lives in peace. It does seem to appear for all concerned, that it's "these guys"....who are stirring the post and are messing it up for everyone by pissing in the soup all in the name of Oil ( money )....or in Donald Trump's case.....Immortalizing himself "in all his glory"...for generations and years to come...or are still fighting some "Holy War" started 2,000 years ago over territory rights...and "who was their first". Like a bunch of 6 year old children...fighting over who gets "shot gun" in their moms station wagon? Sheese!!! LOL
I've got news for "The Donald" there....you can go see those mummies of the Pharaohs who built the Pyramids...in the British Museum in London this very minute...all shriveled up in a glass case....looking "mighty bad"..and very "dead" to me? And... they have very little hair left to show for it I might add? No "Hair Club for Men" in the after life I guess? But what do I know? Right?
In my humble opinion....something has got to take a person like this down a notch or two...in order to get them to wake up....and allow the Miracle to occur? Once you've tried everything first....then something has got to burst their bubble...and being "Nicey Nice" about it...is not going to do the trick. Just my two bits on the subject of "denial" and "wake up calls" from my own personal experience with this and some backing evidence to go along with my thinking on this?
"The Miracle" ( or wake up call ) once again https://youtu.be/2nR3reKPE5Y
J
"Great Moments, Are Born From Great Opportunity"
Submitted by kellyj on
That's a real life "quote"....not from the movie "Miracle" about the US Hockey Olympic Hockey team in Lake Placid . but one made in a speech that Herb Brooks gave before the historic game when the US beat the Russians in what is called "The Miracle on Ice". The Russian team, who were the equivalent to a professional NHL Hockey team playing against a bunch of college kids which was basically what that was? The Russian team had even beaten the best NHL ( National Hockey League ) Allstar team the NHL could throw together ( 6-0 ) which only proved just how good they were? Some considered them the "best in the world" at the time which was part of their own undoing? They were over confident in their skills and thought that a bunch of college kids didn't stand a chance against them which they had already proven in a pre Olympic game where they had beat them easily without breaking a sweat? ( 10 - 3 rout ).
The clip in my last post about "The Miracle"..and when and how that happened shows the team captain, Mike Eruzione.....being the one who "got it"..and stepped up to the plate and showed Herb Brooks ( in the movie played by Kurt Russell ). Ironically.....the word Eruzione in Italian means.."Eruption"...which was the end effect of the game winning goal he made to beat the Russians in the biggest upset in sports history which I wanted to bring to life in "reality"....just to show the "Miracle goal" that won the game?
These things just don't come out of no where and they start with believing they are possible in the first place. When you think you can't...or that it won't work...it will never happen? If you change your belief about what ever it is that you are up against..and change that belief to it won't or can't....to it might or it will? Amazing things happen from the power of positive thinking and that is where the "Miracle" really occurs in anything like this? Just believing that "you can"....even if there is no guarantee that it will....can make all the difference in the world...between winning and losing?
I think it really is just believing that it "might be possible"...but that means making an attempt and following through with an action...to see if it will? I really think that this comes first..."the belief that it might?" as the horse...and then the action comes from the opportunity you created...by simply believing it..and making an attempt...and seeing what happens? And then if it doesn't work...you keep trying until it does because you still believe it will happen...given enough opportunities and attempts at it in failure?
I wanted to just show the real life footage of Mike Eruzione's game winning goal that day....just to show you how this works if you watch this video closely? They don't say it here..but I saw another show one time where Mike Eruzione actually explains that he is on the "wrong foot"....off balance when he makes the shot? His vision is also blocked by the defending player in part and can't actually see the clear line of sight to the goal but he has this opportunity from picking up and loose puck and just making the shot anyway which was a precision shot he had made countless times in the past but not under these conditions?
The bottom line as this all plays out....simply came from believing they could and that it was possible...instead of believing they couldn't and it was a hopeless cause to even attempt to win let alone...believe that they could? All that is...simply put...is the power of positive thought and what that can do for you? It doesn't have to be in such a dramatic way as this...but it works exactly the same way for exactly the same reason...and creating the opportunity for it to happen? More importantly....anyone can do this at any time...by simply doing the same thing and following through but you have to be committed in your mind....that it might be possible in the first place and truly believe it in your heart of hearts?
I'm not big on believing in "magic miracles"....of people actually making things appear out of thin air or walking on water which are physically impossible in respect to proven scientific facts but in part...that has to do with "magical thinking" and having to be careful not to fall into that trap again which was part of my denial in the past? At this time...I am stridently opposed to anything "magical"...and base my believes on what it "real" and what is "possible"..and what can be "proven" in reality with scientific facts to back it up? I found it to be a detriment to me personally...in believing in things that no one can possibly do as far as the "physical world " we live in....like "flying" like a bird ..or "waking on water"...which no one can possibly or physically do under normal circumstances or without some rational or proven explanation to account for some phenomenon like this that everyone can understand and see how that happened? For me...that's a waste of mental energy..and a distraction from reality in thinking in terms of "magic tricks"...without some bonefide way to explain it or pull it off? If no one can do it...then I'm not going to waste my time there and focus on what is possible as I am terming that kind of "miracle"...as a "magic trick"...because I don't believe in that kind of magic and that kind of "miracle?" what so ever because I don't think they actually happens and there is a scientifically explainable explanation for everything even if we don't know it or understand it yet? Nothing just "appears out of thin air"....or you can "flap your arms and take off and fly?"...or for that matter...."walk on water"....without some kind of explanation to account for that?" I personally don't believe that any of those things have ever happened at anytime in human history by anyone who has walked this Earth as a man or woman? So I don't put my faith in things that can't happen...and focus on things that can? It's a false hope "to believe on the impossible"..and then think that this might happen...only to be disappointed and disillusioned when it doesn't?
But within the realm of reality and what is possible....people perform Miracles and Miracles do actually really happen..and they come from "great opportunity"..and the power of positive thinking?
In real time...to show you how the "Miracle" that happened previously....played out and manifested itself in real time to show what is actually possible in reality..and is not just in your dreams? These things just don't happen....something had to happen previously...before they can become reality IMHO?
Mike Eruzione ( and the eruption ) in real time. https://youtu.be/QX5hiem8YBU
J