Hi! My name is Jessica and I e been married to my ADHD husband for over three years now. He was diagnosed at a young age, and I, too, was diagnosed with ADHD as well as Aspergers. I've been reading "the ADHD effect on marriage" and it feels like the book was written about us. I was wondering though if anyone else here, particularly non-ADHD spouses, has been diagnosed with Aspergers? I feel like having Aspergers magnifies some of these symptoms times ten. I misunderstand a LOT; I take many things just as they are said to me; very literally. This usually ends up in heated arguments with my husband who is very sarcastic and is always "just kidding." I thrive on structure and organization- something truly lacking on his end due to the ADHD symptoms. He use to take medication when he was little and didn't like the side-effects and so refuses to take meds now. I'm not sure how committed he is to behavior change; right now he doesn't feel like working on the marriage. I'm heartbroken and am not sure what to do except pray, read my books, go to counseling, and make every effort to change my responses and general behavior to his ADHD symptoms. He goes to counseling with me and is very open there, but seems to just leave the discussion with the counselor (I see little to no effort back home in between appointments). Does anyone else out there have Aspergers? How does it affect your marriage? What are your coping strategies? I could really use some encouragement right now! Thanks in advance. ~Jessica
ADHD and Aspergers
Submitted by Soulsabostone on 02/20/2017.
Hi Jessica
Submitted by jennalemone on
Welcome. I hope someone responds to this who knows more than me about both partners having ADHD and also some Aspergers. Im sorry your husband doesn't feel like working on the marriage. I know how that part feels. I'm sorry you are going through this.
HI Jessica...
Submitted by c ur self on
I have never been diagnosed w/ ADHD, although I do have some symptoms when it comes to communicating...especially suffer with being able to listen to long running content w/o drifting off in thought...
My spouse takes meds for her add....We both are big talkers at times...with limited ability to listen w/ focus, comprehend and share talk time...So it's an issue we must be aware of in order to keep feelings from being hurt or worse..LOL...
When you throw in the symptoms of Aspergers, I'm sure communication is quiet challenging....Hopefully your counselor will help you guys learn to recognize the challenges, expect them and not get emotional about your inability....
Some times when conversation is very challenging I find it the best option to not try it unless its important enough that it must be said...I can't tell you how many times I've started to share information (just general conversation) then I think,* does this have to be said?...And more times than not I just let it go....Learning to cope!
It's very important that you except the reality of your limitations w/o taking on any negative feelings about your self or your husband...It is what it is....And when you accept this limited ability to communicate it makes it so much easier to laugh at yourself with an understanding it's your reality...
Most of the problems in my relationship has stemmed from NON-ACCEPTANCE OF OUR REALITY, WANTING SOMETHING FIXED TO CHANGE.
I had to learn to step out side of myself..(fly on the wall) and view this chaos and Dysfunction without emotion so I could SEE what others saw when my wife and I attempted to communicate...Once I finally SAW it, and ACCEPTED it for the reality it truly is....I was able to CHANGE...
Think about this....If you never entered into a intimate relationship (marriage) you would only deal w/ your thinking and your own way of managing life....If you H never entered into a marriage, he too would live life based solely on his thinking and his way of managing life....So if you both are responsible adults guess what you would be fine...Right?, So work at it from this perspective....I'm alone and fine.....He's alone and fine.....So when you start to speak to him think* Is this a necessary? And just keep it short...When listening to him expect him to lose you and expect to not be able to understand his tendency toward sarcasm....Just listen for the simple facts and Walk away from the rhetoric....When we accept and expect it, we can move on w/o negative emotion....
I'm not saying don't work on it....You can work on yourself....But when we try to force someone to be different that's when the problem's get much worse for the relationship...
Blessings....I will pray for you both...
C
I'm sorry you are going through this.
Submitted by tiredmomma1 on
I have a son with Autism and ADHD. All I can say is that you are incredible... It must be so stressful to live in an environment that is not predictable, needing organization and having one person who tosses that to the wind, it can be frustrating. Being able to plan on things and know exactly what is around the corner is so important to my son. It took me many years to understand this was how it was for him (he sees black and white), and I was really sick with Autoimmune disease which affected my thinking. His father is complete ADHD and all over the place, so between both of us I think it was miserable for him. We didn't provide that structure and predictability he needed for many years.
I think you are doing all you can at this point. He is the one with the problem and needs to educate himself on Autism/Aspergers and see how he can better work with you. Know that there is nothing wrong with you. Please try to focus on providing yourself with whatever predictability, structure, quiet time and understanding you need. Find another source you can connect with to keep you going, friends, activity, support group. I don't know how else to guide you, to be honest.
About that counselor
Submitted by Chevron on
I don't have AS. I may well have an adult sibling with it; all the boxes for it tick. I'm on this site because my spouse has ADHD.
It sounds from what you said that your own coping could be helped by having someone offline dedicated to helping you; your own coach at this point.
I'm glad that the two of you are going, and that the therapeutic conversation is working, at least in the counseling session.
Asperger's is no joke. Does he know anything about it? This is so awful to say, but people can be this ignorant: does he believe that it exists? I agree with the person who wrote to you who said that from what you said, he obviously needs to learn more about your Asperger need to do things certain ways, and other things. I can think of a thousand things: the need for compensating down time; the effect on you of certain physical stimuli; and as you said, your powerful need for things to happen in an order familiar to you, etc.
If he's not doing anything to tackle at home what was agreed upon in therapy, I realize that he'd probably do that about learning about AS, as well, but he ought to both read scientific descriptions of AS and something about life as lived that's not either banging against people with AS or is by people with AS declaring that people who dont have it are unevolved or second rate human beings. There's too much of both out there on the net...you likely have seen a lot of it..., and that kind of thing wont help him believe you're telling the truth about yourself. You'll know this better than I: there are Youtubes by people with AS that you could select the best from to have him see, and there was a great blog that I followed by a man with AS whose first name was Gavin, who was married to someone non AS & raising kids. Surely there are other good blogs that again aren't into attack and defense, that would help him believe your AS features of your life.
But you asked not what to get your husband to do, any of which depends on his will to do it and actually doing it. You asked about how you cope with your present situation. Just a couple questions
Is your therapist competent in knowing how Asperger's affects daily lives, and are your Asperger's needs at home part of your therapeutic discussions? They ought to be.
Have you considered going to therapy yourself, without your husband, so that you'd have a coach for your situation in particular, and the therapy could dedicate more time to what you need, which is different coping with what's going on at home?
Best to you.
Hi Jessica
Submitted by kellyj on
I have ADHD and have been recently separated from my partner. I believe she Aspergers too, as well as suspecting her brother has us too. This is a timely topic for me to respond to since I've just now been discovering more about AS or HFA ( Aspergers) What has already been said here I will concur with and I'd say the same things, your husband needs to understand you more than you understand him due to your limitations. Speaking from his side of things to you.
Quite fairly if I were to bring you to understand a couple of things I've learned about myself comparing myself to my partner, much of the problems or conflict we ran up against were almost two people having the same exact problem together at the time time, but for different reasons and those reason were ***not changeable*** due to each of our own limitations since ADHD has some remarkably similar ones comparing those symptoms to Aspergers. This could be a huge advantage actually....if you can get a couple of basis simple concepts or ideas in mind and keep that in mind in all your interactions together. These somewhat unchangeable obstacles that you need to go around need to be defined and given some "definitions".....or being able to simply said and communicated and "define them in one word or a simple phrase to remember.....I think this might help you to use and not make it too complicated. I only wish I had come to this sooner with my ex partner....but in her case she has some other things going on above and beyond how these two ":conditions" kind of collide into one another and create conflict. If anything just passing along what I thought about my be a good place to start?
I had a great deal of success in parts....applying tools and using suggestions or strategies proposed by our therapist and from other resources......... but each person has to do their part between the two of you and this would be my suggestion to you coming from your husbands side of things.
He has a responsibility to own his ( parts ) and take care of his responsibilities or obligations to you....for the difficulties and challenges you have to face with him and his ADHD. There are the "specific symptoms" and the "specific definitions" that you need to apply to these ( parts ) as I'm calling them because that is really what they are. They are "features"...or "qualties" or "secific obstacles and limitations" I'm talking about that cause problems, create stress and ultimately cant turn to anger, resentment and conflict if you don't get these few ideas of concepts firmly in mind first. Really before anything else can begin to resolve any problems you're having. And I am sorry you are having them.....I do know exactly how you feel in more ways than you may ever know. Having ADHD is not that far a stone throw away from Aspergers in many respects and the expereince itself...is what I think is remarkably similar plus or minus only a handful of things going either way? I think it's even diffiuclt for professionals to tell the difference but I'm getting a feel for it myself since some things really are exactly the same and appear no different what so ever? That just my personal observation although.....what I do and know and this is really critical here.....some things are exactly opposites and opposed to one another...or to say ...."inverted" form of the same things which really makes things crazy.
Being confronted with the exactly same thing that I recognize in myself....then discovering it as the opposite version or the "inverted version" from mine is not only frustrating....but even more when you cannot communicate to your partner what is happening even when you recognize it and there is nothing you can do to make that stop or make a change from it. These stubborn moments where you resist.....or when you get frustrated and become angry all of a sudden...or when you don't understand him or when he becomes annoying to you. You said it feels like having Asperger magnifies some of these symptoms times ten? Which means....when you get angry and how your are feeling it is times 10 as well? Which means that's how you are expressing it too him. It's undoubtedly coming out of you........X 10 as well? Exactly what you said.....is exactly what I'm talking about here. There is something in competition here.....a conflict......or an adversarial relationship here. Between you....and something else? Just from the little I've looked up and what Chevron recommended was a good thing to do.......to go on "youtube" and just watch and listen to some videos and here the people themselves talk about it in their own words and literally "watch yourself" and "hear yourself" speak. It makes it much easier to understand hearing and experiencing it yourself so you can know how others expereince you. That is the first concept I'd say you have to know .....your entire experience is not the same as everyone else including your husband which means.....you just see and experience the world differently but you need to take responsibility for that...and not make that about anyone else. Especially because there literally are so few of us out there....who can at times at least....see the world and expereince it differently than most other people. You have an obligation to other people......I mean it, you "owe" everything else.....a great deal of humility and condolence when they run up against these differences...that they do not expereince with other people or everyone else. Excusing yourself to others.....not making excuses is the responsibility I'm talking about.
So the simple concept or definition's come down to this on your end of it. You husband has his end too......it goes both was and each of you have a responsibility to the other one in this. First concept to have in mind. You already "owe him".....as how you approach this not the other eay around. And in turn........he needs to approach you the same way and both of you doing this at the same time together. Just to start. And the reason for this is the obstacle or unchangeable barrier or wall and the one of denial which can only come from you? If your husband is in denial about his parts......then that responsibility rest with him....not with you but in mutual respect to both sides here.....the denial is over the same things ( equally ) that in competition with each other. It's not you and your husband.......it's these "sensitivities" that are fighting with one another and you know exactly what those are for yourself. Each one of those "pain producing" weakness's cause a condition that other people have to deal with? As I understand this myself......I may not have the exact same conditions or sensitivities you have.....but I have them just as bad as you...when I have them? If that makes sense? I understand what it feels like.....it just may not happen under the same conditions are yours do and that's where all the problem come from and yes.......X10 worse...than with everyone else? Because everyone else doesn't expereince these things like we do so.....we are in minority here......we have to do something about it and take responsibility first and fore most....one step at a time.
So Jessica...if anything...if nothing I said is really hitting the mark for you.....I can sum this up quickly for you....so I don't do what I know I do and explain too long or go into too much detail. To make this easy and simple and not go too far into al the reasons why?
You need specific accommodations to help you manage your Aspbergers. You have specific and some times demanding needs to accommodate you and your ever changing needs due directly to your sensitivities and how much they affect you. The more they affect you...the more pain producing they are.....the more irritable you will become and the more frustrated and angry you will get. You have more of a "light switch" to your emotions...which makes you react quickly and it comes out all of a sudden and takes people way off guard and by surprise. This can be very frightiening to other people.....it can be downright scary to them. Now take that X10....and this is what your husband is experiencing from you.....it's the same a times with others as you said......but with him it's X10 since what you are experiencing is X10 yourself in how it feels for you? Every time you react , or start to experiencing pain or depression, and you are expressing that, sharing that, letting it all out or worse blaming that on other people......you are causing them to suffer and causing them pain in equal doses to what you are experiencing yourself. Everyone else...does not experience these things as you do and they aren't experiencing discomfort or pain under he same conditions. To the degree or to the intensity or as you said with husband......it feels like X10 more........all of that is on you........that your experience, your pain and your irritation and frustration...then anger........not the rest of the world.......almost. Aside from the other 5% of the population....who has issues like we have.
That 's the first step right there. To take responsibilities for your sensitivities....they are all on you and they belong to you. If you are reacting to something in some way and causing some kind of pain or distress or suffering and making it so other people have to accommodate you ( in any way shape or from ) they don't owe you that what so ever. That isn't their problem...it's yours. But people will accommodate you at least for a while......but you are already in the hole in that respect....you started out owing them....not the other way around? And what you owe them at least.....is to put yourself in their shoes. If you had to accomdate someone else for their weakness's and sensitivties...and having to put up with all your little controlling ways and needing to have your environment "just so"...to accomdate all your sensitivities and little quirks and such........that is not requirement on anyones part.......making conditions that require them to do it.....puts them in a state o constant obligation to you....to simply have to deal with all the demands you place on them....and with me and my ADHD...I'm exactly the same way? The second you point your finger at your husband in any of this.....you've lost the argument.
You have to and I emplore you to do this more than anything esle. If you can understand just this much and take in the idea of that "these are your sensitivities"......then you have a responsibility to your husband.....to account for those to him...and tell him how to help you and let him know as much as you can aout how these things make you feel? And tell him what those things are and how they affect you? That 's just letting him know so he can simply understand you and that has to come from you....since you see the world so differently than him. Or anyone else for that matter? Chance are and I would be this way myself.......that him being ADHD.....he migtht be more understadning or have a better means to understand....if he understands what I'm saying...and he 's taken on responsiblity for his ADHD symptoms as well. Resonsiblity by itself....does nothing to fix anything or apply it in a way to fix the problem. Responsibility actually determines.......who does what. when and how. And what those expectations are....or more importantly.....who owe who....and who is at fault....if there is any to hand or or to cast blame. If you are doing everyting rigtht yourself....then rest should take care of itself if he is doing his part and taking on the same responsibility as you are for his ( parts )
You need it consistant. You needt o have things in order and always stay the same to keep and manage your condition....wihch createds the need for these other conditions around and inside your living space...and your entire environment as a whole. The entire forest here......is your home and your personal space you dwell in......is you entire forest and the one you dwell and live in. Which means....if you need to have your forest in away that makes it where your sinsentivities are all Okay and never disrupted and organized in a very demandingt and unchanging way...and low be it...if anyone comes along and "moves something" out of place? Or does anything to disrupt **your*** perfect forest and it's just as you need it to be.....that's great aside for one thing? If you your "sharing your forest" with another person.......it's not longer "yours" any more. It's "our forest" in terms of sharingt space......not ownership of the forest.......but of the co-existent "rigthts" and "boundries"....of others.....in "your forest" which is "not yours" in the first place?
It's not your forest.....if someone else shares it with you. They don't owe you......you owe them....for having to accommodate you and you need to have things a certain way...compared to 95% + all other people in the world? They don't owe you....you owe them. First step or change in thinking in approach when approaching your husband. If you were to approach him like this...and tell him "both of us need to take on this attitude together"..and keep approaching each other from this place.....I think you might find the encouragement you are looking for......but you have to "do it" first.....before you will get that encouragement. And the frist thing your husband needs is for you to help him learn about your Aspebegers to the point of knowing it as well as yoiu do....so he can undertand what you need and what to do for you.......you need to help him....help you.......more than anything else. What that kind of attitude...and with no fualt of blame or accusation...and takingt full responsibility for all your sensitivities.....ackowledge to him.....how they have cxaused him to suffer.....but then....to allow him to tell you......how these issues you have cause him to suffer...and to hear him and ackowleddte that...and admit it to him and own that you do it....and it's even amplfied x10........which I'm sure he can feel as well. Allowing him to tell you how you've hurt him...and then ackowledging to him that you have.....because of all the ways he has to accommodate your special needs will go a long way to start......and then it's his turn....to do the same thing with you. It has to be both people doing it together....or it simply won't work and that much I am sure of without hesitation even if you are doing your part...and he's not on his end? It has to be both doing it together.....right from the start if you need to start somewhere....then this would be it.
J
In turn......you "owe him" in ( mutual ) respect....the same