Hello All,
I am a long-time reader of this site and forum. And so many posts are similar to my struggles with my untreated ADHD husband. His lying, avoidance, being financially irresponsible. All the pressure being on me to earn the majority of our income to support our family. And his constant empty promises or his lashing out and defensiveness.
We have been together about twelve years and married for seven and have five-year-old twins. And I am just so exhausted from it all.
I have similar stories to all of you. He just cant' get it together in some ways. The other day he couldn't afford groceries for our kids lunch. And many months he doesn't have enough for his half of the mortgage. I never know from month to month from week to week what he is earning and if he can pay any bills. And it doesn't help that he has a history of big lies from saying a car he paid for was stolen to forging my signature on my cheques to pay rent. Though these acts were a long time ago the mistrust is still there.
The house we are in I paid for alone, the car he drives I bought alone and pay the insurance, the kids activities and cloths I pay for. The house renovations all me. And while I'm good with money and make a good living I need him to at least have a steady income I can rely on. He does a lot of short-term work. Painting jobs. Little design jobs. Where he gets a 100 here and there. And sometimes more. I hate it.
And I've been working so hard for so many years I'd just like to think that some of the pressure can be off me for a while. I work full time at a government job but I'm also creative and would like mental time and space for that. But I feel he puts our lives into crisis a lot.
What I am looking for today is a glimmer of hope from you all. I don't want to get divorced. I actually love him very much. While financially he is a mess, he does work hard but seems unable to understand how to ensure he is paid well. And he does have a lot of intelligence and skills but seems unable to make a plan for his life and work. And while he can in some ways be defensive and selfish. He also in our day to day life is there for me and our boys. He's gentle and kind. And in many ways we have a lot in common. And similar ways at looking at the world.
I keep praying he gets his ADHD treatment rolling, starts taking meds regularly, sees an ADHD coach and just sticks with a treatment. Because I just need a little space to breath. Time to focus on me and not always his illness and the fall out from it. I want to enjoy our family and have a good quality of life. I've worked so hard for that and I deserve it.
Please someone out there tell me there is hope. There is a light. Because I love him and I love our family. But I also need more stability to function and fully be the person I need to be. And right now I can't even look at him. I can't even open my mouth to yell or nag. I am just so tired.
Seeking your help in just feeling today a little more hopeful that tomorrow will be a better day.
For me, it is unrealistic to
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
For me, it is unrealistic to expect my husband to change. It's unrealistic to expect him to be something that he's not. He tried medication. He tried counseling. He attempted to read a book about ADHD. None of those things worked for him. I've had to accept his weaknesses and learn to capitalize on his strengths.
For example, my husband is an extremely competitive person. He loves being involved in our kids sports and extra curricular activities. So one or two nights a week, depending on the season, he takes the kids out to eat and then takes them to their practices. He even coaches one of their activities. This gives me an evening alone and helps offset the stress that ADHD causes in our lives. He also takes our kids to the doctor if they're sick or need a check up because doctors offices really give me anxiety. He goes to the grocery store for me if I give him a very detailed shopping list. These little things add up and have a positive impact on the whole family.
Your husband might never be able to be a large wage earner. However, it might be possible for him to contribute in other ways to make your time away from work less stressful.
I hope that helps a little.
Trying to see the good!
Submitted by cant-talk-to-fr... on
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment! I really appreciate it. I feel people who don't have an ADHD spouse just don't understand how impossible it is for them to change. My sister is constantly giving me advice that involves 'why don't you just do this' or 'just tell him this' as though there will be a sudden light switch that turns on and it'll just be all better.
When I can be positive it is better between us. When I can let one of his disappointments roll by without getting angry it is better and he is less defensive. I see sometimes so clearly how it can be good. But there are setbacks and they hurt. Even when I know it is not personal it hurts. And it drains me.
There are big highs in our lives but also lows.
Thanks for sharing your story.
I feel for your struggle and
Submitted by ArtGamer on
I feel for your struggle and commiserate. After 20+ years I have not found anything I can do that works to help my spouse regain her stability during those times that the ADHD gets worse. If I take on too many responsibilities, she feels even more inadequate and collapses further under guilt and self-doubt. If I try to kindly help or provide structure, she gets angrier. If I try to be her friend, she lashes out.
All I've been able to do so far is wait it out for the better days to return. However, this year that is not happening. I am now hoping that counseling will help her, but I can't make her do it. At this point, I'm just keeping my fingers crossed, trying to be kind, trying to protect myself emotionally, and trying to invent new ways for myself to regain some kind of stability.
For example, I must exercise and do physical therapy regularly for health reasons. It is not an option, I must do it even when I don't want to. If I miss too much, rheumatoid arthritis takes over and I become bedridden. However, with my wife's recent downturn with "super strength" ADHD, our home life has been so unstable that healthy meals, medication schedules, regular sleep, and exercise have been very difficult for me to maintain.
My solution? This week I gave up on "normal" and trying to do anything when she is home and awake. I wait until she goes to sleep, take a few minutes to calm and center myself, then I start my exercise and PT sometime after midnight. I've also managed to take care of finances and get things done around the house in those quiet hours that have been so difficult during the last several months.
This is clearly not a good, permanent solution. But it is allowing me to take care better care of myself by maintaining my health without her interference.