Last night, my wife and I were discussing her exist plan after going over to the home of a friend she is moving in with. As we are able to speak more openly now, I am really listening to the things she is saying which just fits to what I know but now in a new potential situation? When I asked about her new place, she was very focused on the dogs at her new abode. She hasn't even moved in yet, and she already focused and worried about the dogs there. ( she obsessed with dog pee, dog smells, dog hair, animal germs, dirt , noise etc....always afraid, always worrying )This, I had to bring up to her the other night when I was telling her it would be best for her if she moved out. As I have come to know full circle.....the "environment" is the most important thing to her above all else including me. I am merely "in the environment"....and at the same time "part of it too". She literally cannot separate anything out from one another and I am literally just another "thing" in her environment. The intensity she must feel inside must make it very difficult of her for sure....but I'm not seeing this the same as I use to, and I know there is nothing I can do about that? However, I am feeling a mixture of sadness for what I love about my wife, and I will miss those things very much. She has a lot of great and really wonderful qualities and deep in her heart....she is not a bad person. Quite far from it, as I told her again last night. In fact, I told her, that she possessed some qualities that I have never had before with anyone else which are stand out positive qualities however and not to erase what I just said.....those equalities it seems are always tied to the negative aspects too, so I always have to remember that they do come in pairs. The good and the bad....together which is sad for me in that she could not integrate them into one quality without splitting them in two? None the less, her fastidious house keeping and need for order and symmetry....has really rendered and very beautiful living space with a very good "feng shui" feeling which I was really admiring last night as I looked around to remember it better. I told her that it was and is always something I saw as a talent...and she immediate;y started in on the defensive again...and started saying "I've got talents" which she does.....but she never makes use of them that's the point. I asked her if there was anything she was really passionate about other than hourse cleaning and keeping a perfect living space....and she immediately started saying what she "would like to do"....or ....."what she always wanted to do" which I quickly reminded her that she has said that before but there was always something or some reason getting in the way as to why that could never happen. As I told her using myself and others as my example said " Well, the thing is, when someone has a passion to do something no matter what....they end up doing it with or without anyone. And they will do it regardless of any obstacles in their way and they will do it and usually do it, all their life in many cases? Whether it be sewing, or knitting or skiing or golfing.....sailing or biking or painting or art........hiking or swimming or running or musical instruments ....usually, something like this will end of as a life long hobby or even more than one like me? But normally as I have noticed.....people will usually have at least ONE passion or hobby of some kind and they will be very interested in it and it will show up as a continued interest in there life or like I said.....more than one?"
And I looked at her and said....."I don't see anything like that or have heard of you mention it". Which is absolutely true. Aside from reading which I quickly acknowledged as a legitimate hobby. Reading is a a past time or a hobby and there is nothing wrong with that except for one thing? Reading, is not a group or activity you can share with anyone else. Sometimes she tries to share it, and stop me and want me to read something....but that's not really all that fun or exciting, being on that end of "her hobbby". As a hobby or a "group: or even a partner activity.....reading books is about the most boring and most non-participatory activity you could possibly name. Nothing is more boring, than watching someone else read. TV....is a far cry better as something you'd do with another person. Other than that....she has no interests or passions which brought me to the next thing I was curious about which I asked her straight up. As I asked....."if there was one thing that you could name, that all the men in your past said to you as their complaint or something they found most difficult to live with.....what would it be?"
And she thought about it and said............."I'm hard to buy gifts for, and very hard to please" And I immediately remembered the story that my T told me long ago about the dying man in the desert. Who came upon the Oasis and thought his lucky starts and prayers had been answered. And the wealthy shiek offered him everything he owned at his disposal including his daughters to top off his hospitality? And then there was this huge feast laid out in front of him, with all the food and every variety he could ask for......except for one thing..and only one thing that was missing? There was not a drop to drink to save his life, any where in sight?
And I reminded her of this at the same time, and she remembered it too......but as she sat there I told her that I know how all the other guys felt as well? As I said this to her I pointed out, that I was sure that these others guys had tried to please you or do things for you or give you gifts...but when you are drowning and you only need air to breathe or water to drink.....you are completely missing these other things since you only want what you want...and that is all that you want? You've even ( as I said this ) said....."why did you get this, when you knew I wanted that?" Right when you were doing something really nice and thoughtful for her and brought her a gift or surprise? And then I remembered my T telling us the "Fox and the Sour Grapes" story...and everything completely lined up and I went...."Ah ha.....there you go"
A person who can never be pleased, who never likes surprises....someone who can only see what's in front of their face and what is wrong only, and never see what is rigtht....will miss everything good that comes to them in life.....since they are always looking for the wrong thing...or looking in the wrong places to find what they so desperately need? What ever it is my wife thinks LOVE is...and what ever is she is looking for and fanatically trying to find.....she will never find it ever.....if she is dying of thirst metaphorically speaking......and only needs "water"...or what ever water represents to her....since apparently, myself and all these past guys are all saying the same thing to her......and she just doesn't get it? What she does do a very good job at doing, is rejecting you...and making you feel rejected and put down because you didn't guess the exact right thing that she desperately needs.....which of course, doesn't exist and is just an illusion? There is no Oasis or vision in the desert.....that is just the delusion of the dying person in the desert and is just a mirage and doesn't exist? And still, as I sat there and told her how sad I was and how that she is missing all these wonderful gifts that people keep giving her.....if you only need water...and there is nothing else to drink....then you are pretty much fucked at that point......nothing anyone can do for you as long as you live if you only need one thing that you think that will make you happy......in reality, you need water every day to drink....if water for you is a scarcity....then water it self becomes some great gift or need?
What she doesn't realize and probably never will, is that in that case "water" is only something she can give to her self since that kind of water no one else has? No matter how many other things I or anyone has ever given to her in a loving way, these things mean nothing to her..cause she only wants what no one else can give her. She missed everything....is search for the one thing no one has to give her which is just pathetic and sad....but there is nothing I can do for her there? She totally misses and still misses the fact ( even after I told her ) that it makes me and I'm sure the other men you've been with, feel rejected and hurt from having their gifts thrown back in their faces? It is what I felt....so I can imagine the other guys felt the same way. As he last ex husband said to her....."You can never be pleased". On the other end of the coin......she will always make others feel rejected and not good enough from this dysfunction she has in only wanting the ONE thing, she can never get from anyone else? Talk about self sabotaging!! WOW!! And here she is again, with all I have to offer her, but none of it good enough for her....because it's not exactly the way and how I want it. Her need to perfection....drives everyone crazy and only causes damage unless ( like me ) I could see it for what it truly is. I am not angry with her for this since this was not her fault in anyway. She was a victim, who remained a victim...to this day and has never learned anything from that time moving forward? Like I have always said...."when you're a victim....someone is always doing something to you and their is always someone else to blame....for everything!!!" The true test, to see if you not a victim...is you cannot blame anyone for anything and you have to live with it....there is no escape what ever it is. The blame game...is the game my wife plays and these are all the symptoms right here.......for anyone else who might be reading this. This is NOT.....ADHD by the way. I have ADHD.....and I am NOT this way, that's for damn sure.
J
Some Insight For Anyone to Use.......
Submitted by kellyj on 06/26/2017.
More Insight For Anyone to Use Possibly
Submitted by kellyj on
I'm taking this time during our separation, to make sure I pay attention to things as we talk since I think this is a time of great opportunity and actually ( more honest ) communication between the two of us. What that means is, that no one, is trying to hide or be "dishonest" yet, what is missing and what is not being said, is more true to "lying by omission" and this is what came to light last night as I was talking over our plans for the future with my wife. We had spent the day, looking for places for her to move out and move into with the focus on her own place that is "all hers" where she has total control or say over. No room mates to have to compromise and negotiate with, no one to have to share "quarters" with, and no one to answer to ( no imposed rules or personal habits or any special needs of others ) to contend to. I reiterated that several times as what I felt would be in my wifes best interest and she was in agreement with me up to a point? But she kept coming back to "room mates" and many concerns that weren't concerns.....IF she lived alone by herself.
And she kept saying, "well, that way, you could come over and see me since I know what will happen when I leave and I won't be spending much time here I know."
That last sentence I high lighted....was the most honest thing she could have said, even though she really had no idea what she was saying? I could have taken that as an offense every way, but as I sat there and responded I said...."I know you D, I live with you....don't you think it's obvious to me, what you're sensitivities are? All you "pet peeves", your worries and fears and "ALL the Things that Bother YOU" (highlighted again since this is the main issue right here )
And I said to her "how many times do I or ( our T ) have to tell you this? How many times has he said "competing sensitivities"? What part of that, do you not get? What part of "you have a long list of sensitivities" along with what you admit yourself as being "hyper vigilant"? I said " It is, in my physical power (my physical ability to ) match you 1 to 1 in keeping up "a house" ....."just the way you want it"......but in order to do that I'd have to have you're hyper vigilance since that is the only way I could be that aware of each and every little thing like you are. And be aware of the "same" each and every little detail and thing that is so critically important to you......in the same way as you? I could do that......but why? Why would I want to have that much anxiety over such minutia and detail? Why would I want to have that much anxiety over things not be exactly the "one way"....and in a "one way" that only "you know what that is?" If you had 10 people D....sitting in a room together.....and 2 of them had a list of special needs and special considerations that the other 8 people don't have or have a need for.......then who should do something about that situation? The other 8 people in the room.....or the 2 who have these sensitivities? Wait...don't answer that, I'll give you the answer and it isn't the other 8 people in the room, I can tell you that much for sure."
And as she does she immediately started to get defensive and said "I don't like where this is going....I think you are saying that YOU don't have a problem or YOU don't have any issues and this is ALL about me and my sensitivities so I think we need to stop here and not do this any more." ( no way, am I stopping I thought, cause this is what she does and what she "wants" and what she wants right now, is not part of the program for me ...what I want is the priority and this is all about what I want now ) So my response was exactly what I was hoping to get her to see which was " I said 2 people D......2 people in a room of 10 which would be YOU AND ME!!!! Like I said......what part of "competing sensitivities" don't you get huh? To have "competing sensitivities"....you have to have 2 people? How could I possibly only be talking about you, when you have to have 2 people to have competing sensitivities? That is NOT a rhetorical question? WE....are the 2 people in the room with the other 8...and no....the other 8 people don't have to cater to us and our "hyper sensitivities"......it doesn't work that way?
I said " Look....if I were to do that with you ( as I am suggesting with these other hypothetical people ) that "we all" cater to your ( in theory ) and create the "perfect environment" for you to live in to the point....where you would go "I am so happy because everything is perfect and just the way I like it all the time".......I could do that, and maybe the other people could do that too.....but at what cost to me? I would be miserable....have to contend and cater to all that "bothers you" and annoys and irritates to that to the point...it would be like I was "at work"......'working all the time". Like "working all day, and then having to work....in all my free time"....just to "match you"....1 to 1....and keep the house to that standard where you would be free from anxiety or "anxiety causing" things? I would have SO MUCH ANXIETY and to the point...would have to become "hyper vigilant" to the point that it's just crazy to even consider that when I see how much you suffer from it? Why would I....or anyone want to do that to themselves? To hold themselves to a standard that is nearly impossible to reach or maintain? And why? Why would anyone purposefully do that to themselves if they didn't have to? I understand "sensitivities" as well as you do, and they don't just go away, and you can't just snap your fingers and make them disappear? But, they are 'YOUR SENSITIVITIES".......NO T THE OTHER 9 PEOPLE IN THE ROOM....including ME....." as I said. I said " I have my own sensitivities that are not like "everyone or anyone else". They do not apply and I cannot hold anyone else to them...and expect anyone esle to have to cater to me....as IF....I am somehow special? Those sensitivities you have....are not the same ones I have....and the ones that I have....are like the polar opposites of yours. Your NEED for ABSOLUTE CONTROL...of "everything"... so to manage your anxieties and fears ( by elimating them all together ) to appease your "sensitivities"....means exactly what I said. You would do BEST.....in your own space....your own home.....your own environment...that YOU set up ...all by yourself. That way...you can create that perfect environment, that is perfectly set up and arranged...exactly as YOU NEED IT. That way, no one will "touch or move your things".....everything will always be right were it belongs and you won't have to "share' anything with anyone and there will be no conflicts?
And she said "well, people will always have conflicts....no two people can ever be together without having conflicts?"
And I said. "NO........not like I experience with you and what I see how you and your family operate? In fact.....that was the "CARDINAL RULE" in the house where I grew up.....NO CONFLICTS, NO FIGHTS, NO ARGUING ALLOWED.....my sensitivities and issues are the exact opposite of yours. In our house.....you could go 9 months without anyone ever getting into a fight or argument....even ONCE? You can't go more than a few hours....without engaging with someone is a contest or some kind of disagreement verbally or become hostile and aggressive and get into a verbal sparring match with them? You can't go 1 day....without that happening? To the point, in my house....IF THAT HAPPENED.......it was soooo bad, that conflic was something to avoid and fear at all costs.....that everyone was afraid of that happening.....so no one said anything ever and nothing got resolved. BUT....there were no conflicts as in ...overt combat or sparing, arguing, or fighting.......EVER! So don't tell me it's normal for people to have conflicts ( that kind of conflict ) People disagree about things and then they compromise and begotitate and arrive at some kind of agreement over it....then they get over it and move on....that's what poeple do and that is normal.
And she said "Well, we ( or I ) learned in my work, that 90% of conflicts never get resolved in relationships and you need to "let it go"...which is what you won't do when I try and do that with you."
And I said "NO.....that is not what you do at all in fact.....what I just explained in my household is what I am very familiar with. I lived in that environment....that was MY LIFE....not yours. Everyone let everything go and just "got over it"...and :"nothing got resolved".....and everything got swept under the rug.....and nothing EVER CHANGED? Sweeping it under the rug....IS NOT LETTING IT GO. What ever you are trying to pull out of context to something you were taught in working with clients and people relationships is totally out in left field. Who ever said that, never grew up "my world"...and in "my environment".....of death and stagnation and a world without conflict.....but nothing ever changes because NOTHING GETS RESOLVED!!! Learning to "let go"...is just a tool or a means to "avoid problems" but it doesn't fix the problem..and it doesn't address what the cause is? I told her "
They use to have these old wives tale superstitions about "bad luck" which are just a bunch of phoney baloney superstitions that aren't true. One of them said..."it's bad luck to walk underneath a ladder" which is just a retarded premise right from the start? Like what, walking underneath this stationary object is bad luck? WHY WOULD THAT BE??? ( as I emphasized it to her ) You think, maybe because....people forget and leave tools and hammers up on ladders or tools they are working with up there? And maybe unwittingly, someone comes along and walks underneath it, and bumps it or the tool finally falls off and hits them in the head? Like DUH??? I've done that countless times, until I finally got into the habit....of simply looking up and checking to see what's up there, before I move a ladder or walk underneath it? Like DUH?? I mean really? Instead of making up superstitious non-sense and saying that somehow ladders are bad "luck"...how bout telling people a) quit leaving your tools up there so other people won't get hit By falling tools off of ladders and even better b) WHY DON'T YOU JUST LOOK FIRST BEFORE YOU WALK UNDER IT???? LIKE DUH??? Who's to blame....if you don't look up? The ladder or YOU? I mean really....doesn't that make more sense than saying "don't walk under ladders.....because it's bad luck?" And making that some kind of arbitrary "rule' or saying "never walk underneath ladders? And if you do....bad things will come to you" Only if you don't look up.....as I have found is the answer, the source...and the cause....of ME...getting hit in the head or other body part.....from ME....leaving tools up on top of ladders.....and then ME, walking underneath them or moving them ( because I have to do that sometimes ) and then ME ...being the source, the cause and the one to blame....in that entire scenario whic has happened to me countless times....until I made it a rule to "look up" first...since remembering to "never leave a tool up there" apparently doesn't work? I get distracted and do that all the time.....but the answer is......"look up"...and then I don't get "hit by my own tool'? And ....I "never get hit" by my own "too"....or "anyone elses tool on their ladders either" but I still walk underneath them, because "I look up and see...before I walk underneath? There you go.....what part of that...do you not understand? If I need to walk underneath a ladder since I need to get to the other side of it.....I don't go "it's bad luck....I can't do it" and then sweep it under the rug and never get resolved? That is...never get where I need to go....because the ladder is in between me...and where I'm going or what I'm doing? The problem isn't the ladder....the problem is "not looking up first"? Like Duh right? How hard is that to understand?
What your proposing is like the same thing? That everyone esle makes sure ...never to forget and leave their tool on the ladder....that everyone else makes sure there is no ladder there to begin with? That me or everyone has to make sure that everything is safe....so you never have to look up and see for yourself if it is when the answer to make sure you NEVER GET HURT.....is to simply look up first....then proceed right under the ladder and continue on your way no problem. The ladder "conflict"....IS not conflict since it is resolved in that instance and you walk right under neath it and move forward along your way? Letting it "go"...as you're implying, is like saying...."someone left a ladder up, and made me stop and I couldn't continue forward since it's bad luck to walk under ladders and everyone knows that which is why you never to that? As if...."Ladders" are the problem.....and "letting go" ...means....someone left a ladder in your way? That is ridiculous....there is no logical connection?
And she replied to that with going back to what I said about having to be at :"work 24/7" in order to maintain the order and perfection of an environment where "she would be happy" by saying "well, that's exactly what I feel like....like I have to work 24 hours a day in order to keep the house up since you won;t do your part?" And my reply to her was " Well then, why are you doing it? Why not, work less hard...and accpet things to a lessor standard....a little less ( perfect ) and let that go and live with it?
You said "well, we can spend time at my new place together....since I already now what will happen with I leave. Well, I can tell you what will happen when you leave and yes.....by yourstandards, or ( anyone elses standards if I use that as a guide ) they'd probably say if they walked in and gave me their judgment would be most likely "well, it's not perfect....but it's not bad either." In essence, I'm not going to do what you do and I already told you why? I'm not going to create a standard that I can do unless there is so much anxiety and stress involved that my life will be miserable? I don't care, what anyone else thinks of me...and I'm not held.."to their standards"....I'm held to my own? And my own says "that not bad, but not perfect" is completely acceptable to me? If it's not BAD....for the rest of the world.....then that's good enough for me? That is the only part I really care about? That is "not bad" for the rest of the world or for most people ...or the other 8 people in the room? Me you and the other 'hyper sensitive" people.....just got to deal with it and live with it.....it's not everyone else job....to cator to us?
And she said "well....then we are never going to be able to live together then" LMAO!!!!!!
Well, yes.....I guess not? LMAO!!!!!!!!! What else can you do? If that is the conclusion to our entire relationship and everything we learned to together ( of that she gleaned from what I just said ).....then YES, grin and bear and laugh it off.....and just as I suggested.......that my wife should get her own place....that she doesn't have to share anything with .....never have to negotiate, never have anyone do anything that she doesn't like or want or move things around....and for GOD SAKE.....NEVER LEAVE A LADDER UP OR HAVE ONE IN HER WAY!!! Ladders are bad luck......NEVER EVER WALK UNDERNEATH A LADDER!!! LMAO!!! What more can I say?
All I know, is I am working hard on "good enough, not perfect....but "not bad"...with the focus on "not bad". If I reach that goal and it is actually a doable reachable goal....then I can live that ...even if she can't. That's good enough for me....as along as it's not "BAD" for everyone else?
J