Hello! I'm dating someone with SEVERE ADHD. We've been in an LDR for two years (planning on getting married next fall) and the hyperfocus stopped after we met for the first time. About half a year into the relationship. At this time I didn't realize his ADHD could even affect our relationship. I always thought of ADHD as kids being to hyper to even sit down (I knew he was diagnosed as a child as well as his sister, who is on disability due to her ADHD not even allowing her to drive) Because there were no signs until after hyperfocusing, it never popped up in my head. Our arguments and fights have been at the least, explosive; and only getting worse. About three/four weeks ago, A friend of mine mentioned something about her husband and I was so taken aback because it was like she was talking about my SO. It finally clicked in my head that this was his ADHD and not just him being a complete asshole 24/7. Since then I've read basically every forum, book, and self help website I can get for people who are in a relationship with someone who has ADHD. It's been overwhelming and emotional. Him and I have agreed we need to get help, starting with him. He was on board and I was so relieved he realized he's a big part of all of our problems. I'll admit I have some anger issues caused from him ignoring me, forgetting anything I've ever said, not feeling loved, etc. and could do better with things, as well. Up until today he has completely agreed to get help, and wasn't denying he needed help or that anything was my fault. Today, he had a doctors appointment to get a referral to another, unrelated health issue, but most importantly his ADHD. His insurance doesn't require mental health referrals which is great. As soon as we talked after his appointment I said to find a good place near him to go. He had already argued about him REFUSING to pay attention to me because he was eating (which has never been a problem in the past, but according to him,he never talks when he eats)
And so we were both kind of irritated. This blew into a huge fight, with him basically saying he has problems but mine are worse and he's refusing to get help until
A) I get help with my problems (nagging, and not trusting him)
B)He wants to do it on his own time which "Will be a couple months"
I'm so worried about our relationship because I know if he actually waits a couple months, we will definitely be on our separate ways and broken up. He's the love of my life but not feeling loved at all (especially with SEVERE abandonment issues and other issues due to being in foster care and genetic mental health diagnoses) has ruined my outlook on the relationship. I don't know what I need right now, maybe reassurance, maybe advice. I'm not sure. It just saddens me that he was so in agreement that he needed help (and eventually us getting therapy once he moved here the beginning of next year) and now he REFUSES to. I'm sorry for the word vomit, I just had to get this off my chest.
Dear Nikkifenn,
Submitted by Mirra on
Dear Nikkifenn,
I am sorry you are going through such anguish. Nobody said life was easy. But you want this not so easy, hair splitting phase to pass. please be informed that most symptoms of ADHD are limiting the individual and creates social problems. But there is one symptom -emotional dysregulation which significantly impairs close relationships.
Here is what my two cents are.... As a first step, please take a step back and observe the situation as if you are in an airplane just before landing and you see all the traffic down below at peak hour traffic. Unlike someone driving on the highway at that very precise moment with all the frustrations and some road rage , you are actually in the airplane and are observing the steady stream of miniature cars. It doesn't look so bad after all. Now that you have the top down view... what next ?
From your information, it looks like when he was in one frame of mind ( hopefully when he had more clarity and was composed), he committed to both individual ADHD therapy and couples therapy. Now in the heat of the argument he is showing some defiance may be. The two months widow is more like " you dont control me, I will do as I please"narrative.
As a second step hold on to his earlier promise as an affirmation in your heart. HE MEANT IT AND HE WANTS TO DO IT. Not in your mind / head but in your heart. The mind is like a monkey. It will keep swinging from one tree to another (read one thought to another).Let your mind do that. Just ignore it. Relax into the affirmation in your heart. Let it soothe you. People with abandonment issues are always looking for others to soothe them because it is difficult for them to self soothe. But now your heart with the above affirmation is trying to soothe itself. Encourage it. Be in this feeling, say for few weeks. Doubts and panic attacks may happen. Don't give in. Don't discuss anything with your SO.
Now the third step..... After a few weeks approach him and say you want to revisit the topic and talk to him. Let him know that you are happy that he is willing to get help and you are also willing to do that. Let him know that in fact both of you can start parallelly. In my opinion based on your issues it would be good to start your counselling at the earliest too. Remember if you are in love with a severe ADHD person you may also have to play the role of a loving, well informed caregiver to him. To do that you need help with your issues and then help with how to manage him.
Fourth step is again to remember the big picture. Either both of you have come together so far to learn something from this experience and move on or learn something, and be there for each other. The wind can blow either which way and time can only tell. But in the mean time if you can equip yourself to be the best version of yourself may be he will see what you are willing to do for him and reciprocate. This is actually empowering and not helplessness.
Anything you do.. do so without a feeling of desperation, anxiety or a need to control (which can be triggered by helplessness and abandonment issues). Easier said than done. But that is where a therapist can help.
Good Luck
Long distance relationship
Submitted by sickandtired on
A long distance relationship is sooo different than actually living with someone with ADHD. Please read some of the other posters' stories here. When you sign in, you can click on a poster's name and see their entire history of posts. There are so many people on here that would love to trade situations and to be in your shoes at this critical decision point in your life. You are only dating, not married, not living with or having children with someone who has such severe relationship problems. There are tons of people on here who have huge regrets, they have lost themselves by trying to deal with the symptoms in their partner, feel stuck, feel like they have to do EVERYTHING in the relationship. You have the luxury of walking away, choosing NOT to be tied to someone who is so limited. Why don't you try to find someone who will be a real partner to you?
I was in an 11 year live-in relationship with someone like this, and I wanted to get out after only 2 years, due to his anger, verbal abuse, lack of affection, financial irresponsibility, blame shifting, control issues, embarrassing behavior, hoarding messes, and his bottomless pit of pity for himself. He would tell his victim centered stories to anyone who would listen. It got old very fast, but it took me almost nine years to get him out of my life because he quickly became emotionally and financially dependent on me. He said whatever self esteem he had had to come from me. That is sick and wrong! Please take the previous poster's advice and look at "the big picture". Those of us who have been there can see the sad oncoming calamity in your future. By deciding to marry him without spending much real, in-person time with him, you have no idea what you're getting into. What if you find someone healthy, who lives near enough to you so you can have a real in- person relationship, not a long distance relationship, where you fill in the blanks of what you don't know yet about him with your own fantasies of what you really want in a relationship.