Submitted by Libby on 05/06/2018.
I truly feel as if I am going crazy. So much half communications and then fits of temper if I ask him about things later. He will give me snippets of information but rarely the whole story. When I ask more questions he always says he told me all the info. Well he doesn't. Why can' he ever admit that he didn' tell me that. Tons of examples too many to mention....sorry if this sounds vague. It is almost like he does it on purpose.
It's not vague Libby...sadly;)
Submitted by c ur self on
In his mind he thinks he did tell you...I get it all the time....He can't admit it, because you are wrong in his mind....My wife is just like that....She has her own reality...but most of the time, it's just that, her's, not the real one.....But to argue with them is like fighting over whether white paint is really white....The only winner is the one who can actually see the dynamic has no solution and walks away....
When a person is convinced they are right, no matter how wrong they are....I've found out w/ my W to verbally try to tell her different...Is just self inflicted punishment and the end of a peaceful day!...Walking away smiling is the only way to I win....
Communication
Submitted by phatmama on
Communication is not the forte of people with ADHD. Talking--yeah, you bet. They can usually talk your ear off and be wildly entertaining (in small doses), but real communication is a challenge. I don't think I have ever met an ADD'er that seemed to have stellar communication skills. You are in good company here with your frustration. We understand.
Well said phatmama....
Submitted by c ur self on
Throw in very limited short term memory, and loose cannon emotions, and the picture should get very clear for anyone asking why is it this away??.....I use to say, I want to communicate...Now I mostly just say, I want a quiet and peaceful life....Acceptance of reality...LOL....
c
Money
Submitted by mkueterman on
I'm a new member of this community and am very grateful for what I've read tonight. My husband and I try so hard to communicate and work on the relationship but most of what we argue about is money. Is there any information here or feedback about that subject? I have ADHD but my husband has OCD traits, so we love each other tremendously, but boy do we have trouble communicating about money. We have just split the responsibility for bills, with him taking some and me taking others. I am trying to learn to budget and be accountable, which is embarrassing, because I'm a 55 year old professional woman. What's worse, is I treat ADHD so I feel like I should know how to handle my own symptoms. I also have bipolar disorder which is under great control, but my ADHD cannot be treated with medication since it exacerbates my ADHD, and around and around the merry go round I go! Any advice would be gladly accepted!
Hi and welcome mkueterman....
Submitted by c ur self on
Your story isn't shocking...I would suggest a few things...One don't be embarrassed...It's life in the fleshly form, many people, professionals included...Deal w/ a fast mind, and bi polar traits....The fact you can calmly speak of it, and the need to manage it, says volumes about you and your heart....
Money LOL....The first and main thing is to protect the relationship....So to do that you and your husband has to take complete ownership of your own tendencies, and actions in spending priorities....Sometimes when a wife takes a job outside the home like most do these days...It can create a dynamic that (if we are not wise enough to recognize it, and deal with it) pits us against each other. (Power struggle)....
You are much better off to set boundaries, like separate accounts, if one or both of you have not mastered discipline in spending...That way, when some one is broke....They can only look in the mirror....I don't really like the separate accounts, unless it's to protect from arguments, and power struggles....
Where there isn't any submission and spending discipline then separate accounts can solve the blame that can poison a marriage relationship....I'm fine w/ separating out the bills like you are doing, it should be done fairly though, based on %'s....There are wise ways to do that...You can do it like you are doing it....Or, one of you can pay them all, and at the end of each month the non payer just writes a check or gives cash to the payer....I like this way myself...Unless one of you are so undisciplined you might not leave your part of the bill money in your account for 30 days....If that's the case, then that person probably should get counseling....
If you truly love each other, and want to protect that love above all else...You will lovingly and willingly find a way to manage your funds....There are a whole lot of old, lonely, and miserable people in this world....Who lived so concerned and in love w/ a dollar, that they never was able to experience the Love they were created to experience....
c
one other quick tip....
Submitted by c ur self on
One way to that forces discipline in budgeting ( I do this) is to go to a different bank or Credit union and open another checking and savings....Have your bill money direct deposited or make your deposits what ever is possible, into the checking account...Make the deposits for a little (as you can afford) more than your bills...Under no circumstances do you ever put a bank card on this account!....Only direct deposit pay outs for bills or you set down and write checks and mail them...After several months if the account has built up some surplus you just role it over into the savings account....Bills only! No debit or credit cards on this money!....The account you use for gas, eating out and groceries that you have a debit card on will have to be managed to not over spend it....It works.....
c
Money, reply
Submitted by phatmama on
You are playing my song, mkueterman. My husband and I have fought like gladiators over two things mainly over the last 21 years--money and parenting. Money was such a divisive issue that I truly do not know how it did not end our marriage. My husband has always been the breadwinner and for many years I stayed home with our children (13 years) and had no money of my own. In addition, we had joint bank accounts but VASTLY DIFFERENT ideas on what we should spend our income on. For years I told him we needed separate bank accounts, but he wanted a marriage just like his parents, which was perfect, and would not accept that ours is nothing like theirs and that we are not wired to share money. About five years ago, he finally separated the bank accounts and I had started working by then. He puts money in our joint account, which is really "mine" from his primary bank account, which I cannot access, and do not want to. Even though he holds a lot of money and I have very little, I can always call him and ask him to put a few hundred in my account for gas/food/gifts/ school expenses and he will do it right away. This protects his main "stash" and also meets my needs of providing for the daily household requirements. Since I only work part-time and make barely $1000 a month, my money is for weekend trips (which we both love), college expenses for our grown "kids", or things that he would not give me money for that I just want anyway. An example--he gave me an old I Phone 5 and it was glitching constantly. It was almost worse than not having a phone, but as long as it worked, he wasn't springing for another one (which we would have fought bitterly about when I had no money of my own). I talked to my daughter in college who had an I Phone 6 which was only a year old and offered to buy it if she wanted to upgrade to a new I Phone 7, and she jumped on the deal. Since I make my own little bit of money, it was no big deal and now I have fixed my phone problem. I cannot emphasize strongly enough how potent a destroyer of marital harmony money can be and was in my own life. I would never go back to having shared funds nor would I want to not have a little money of my own. This is an issue we just couldn't solve with all the effort in the world until we just "gave up" and split the pot. I wish we had done it years earlier.
You are not crazy
Submitted by jeanmarie21 on
My husband does the same thing but I truly believe he does not do it on purpose. It is like pulling teeth to get the information that I want and I have to continually keep him on task. His conversations have so many different paths that sometimes I can't follow. I always try to bring him back to the topic which at first he took offense to but now he understands that he digresses. My husband doesn't remember many things that just happened so it takes some nudging to get him to answer me. Try to talk to your husband and explain that you are not trying to harass him, you are just trying to get the information you want but it is difficult because of his adhd. Best of Luck!
Half stories, or even less than half
Submitted by Angie_H on
Hello, Libby,
My experience has been similar. I started paying close attention to my husband's communication style. He often uses only pronouns: this, that, they... I now consistently ask what, where, who? He is making more effort to be clear. He often talks in circles and loses me. I find he hates to be interrupted because he forgets what he was going to say. I try to keep track of questions. When he is done telling me something, he is DONE. He is off immediately to the next thing. He jumps from one topic to another, almost seamlessly, going from talking about work to talking about some household project. Huh? I stop him and ask my questions. When we are in the car he often exclaims, 'Look at that!' I look to see where he is looking, and he is already looking in a different direction. I look there, and I miss seeing whatever he pointed out. Now, instead of looking at him, I ask, where? I may also have to ask Left? Right? Up? because his answer is frequently 'Over there!' Need I say there is no accompanying pointing or any other gesture?
We are having less conflict over this mismatch in communication style than in the past. I think my husband has a better understanding of why I don't 'get it' when he tells me something. He less often blows up with, 'Forget it!' He more often clarifies what he was telling me.
Try clarifying in the moment, not later, and see if that helps. If you have not read about 'active listening', look it up and decide if you want to try that. Some of it sounds silly, but it helps to repeat (paraphrase or summarize) what your SO said and verify that is what he meant.
All the best,
Angie
Angie....
Submitted by c ur self on
I wonder how many people here deal with the exact dynamic you've listed? I know we do....Understanding each others tendencies and our own, is vital when we are trying to have a conversation....Interruptions are big problems w/ us....She, like your spouse, forgets easily what she was going to say....And I interrupt her quiet a lot, at times, but, it's usually intentional...I'm working on stopping it....It's a bad habit I picked up in arguments...I refuse to listen to her unless she is speaking I statements...(ownership)....I refuse to listen to U statements..(blame)....Although I should let her finish, just to be respectful, no matter what she is saying...And just walk away when she finishes if it was just U statements and blame...A mind locked in denial is pretty much incapable of I statements anyway....
It's so easy to form bad habits in conversation, when what is being said is full of accusations, judgments, telling you what you are thinking, u statements....Stuff that really doesn't deserve a reply to begin with...I've been very unwise thinking there is something in those moments that I could verbally say that would be beneficial in some way...;).....Nope....The response to someone who refuses to acknowledge anything about there words, behaviors and attitude...There isn't a verbal word that could be uttered to help that.....
c