I am a professional, married man with 2 kids. I love my family more than my own life itself. They are everything that I ever imagined a family should be to me as I had no real image of family growing up. My impulsivity and anger outbursts have caused me to have frequent problems. In May, my ADHD finally became my resource for me to hit rock bottom. While at work, I was goofing around with a freeze spray that accidentally struck a co-worker in an unacceptable physical location. I was NOT aware that this had happened until I was called to the carpet 4 days later. The same day that this happened, a client presented to our work location 5 minutes before closing time with a big issue and I made my dissatisfaction known to my co-workers by saying, "WTF?!?" out loud. Because of these infractions, I was forced to resign from my position immediately in lieu of termination. My next week was full of sadness and deep depression. I had let my wife and children down. I jumped to the computer to find a new job, all while considering ending my own life in order to make theirs easier. I don't feel suicidal and never had a real plan...it was a situational idea because of what was going on and how deep my depression was at this time. My wife, 3 months later,still doesn't believe that I have told her the whole story because I haven't been completely forthcoming with things in the past (defense mechanism from my ADHD). The thing is, I was completely honest with her this time. I am now saddened that my previous behaviors have caused this mistrust. I love my wife so much! She has urged me over the years to learn more about ADHD both for myself and our now 10 year old son who also has ADHD but, I have put it off and put it off. Since all of this, she has withdrawn from me, barely speaks to me unless it has to do with our business venture or the scheduling with the kids. She "Phubs" me, spending hours on her phone checking Facebook and Pinterest. She "goes out with the girls" who have all suddenly created a Snapchat group, but lets me know about it a few hours prior. I feel like this is another way for her to pull away. She tells me that I need to do something because our marriage is hanging on by a thread. When I try to tell her about what I am learning, she gets angry with me and says "I have been doing this research for 13 years, where have you been?" My wake up call has happened!! I am trying desperately now, because I love her, because I love our 2 beautiful children! I wish I had tried sooner, that I had listened to her. I feel like it is too late, but I don't want it to be, and I think she doesn't either. But she won't talk to me about it...Today, while at my new job that is 2.5 hours away from home, I was researching Melissa Orlov's seminar. I sent my wife a message asking if she would do it with me. Silence. Please help!!! Anyone!!!
Prove by your actions that you take ADHD treatment seriously
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Wolfendo, your wife tried for many years to get you to help yourself (and thereby help your family) by researching ADHD and starting treatment. You actively blew it off ('denial' of ADHD is one its most disheartening aspects for the non-ADHD spouse). Your inactions have had the consequence of severely straining relations with your spouse. Now you proclaim an epiphany that you can see the impact on your family but you receive huge skepticism from your wife. Ask yourself realistically, 'Why should she believe me?' Words mean little in ADHDland. You have to actively show you are taking 'ownership' of your medical condition. Have you been diagnosed professionally? If not, get an evaluation by an ADHD experienced psychiatrist. If you do get an ADHD diagnosis, work with your psychiatrist to settle on an effective medication regime. Then earnestly follow the schedule for taking your medication. During the several weeks involved with clarifying your medication actively research ADHD, its symptoms and the effect of those symptoms on yourself and your family. Read Orlov's books during this research. Find a therapist who specializes in using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to help his/her patients adopt new thinking that will help mitigate the ADHD symptomatic behaviors that cause you and your family so much heartache,
After these several months of consistently displaying you are working to understand and manage your ADHD symptoms then it would be time to ask your wife to take Orlov's class (I took it earlier this year.) Orlov's class can be immensely helpful, but if you're not active and serious about 'owning' your ADHD your chances of improvement are low.
I agree with everything said
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I agree with everything said above by Will It Get Better.
wolfendoc...
Submitted by c ur self on
I too agree w/ WIGB's comments...I would also add that there are many people just like yourself, that thrive in life (home, jobs etc..)...Many have fast minds, (adhd)...It is very common to have someone come on this site (usually male) from time to time, when they have destroyed their spouses desire to continue to have hope in the relationship....You are one of those....
The only hope for you is the mirror...(just like us all)....Start by placing boundaries on yourself....No goofing off, no profanity, no excuses, no blame....Get your mind off of yourself...Get your mind on what kind of Father you would choose for your children going forward, if you knew this was your last day to live....
Your statement above...."They are everything I ever imagined a family should be to me".....If this statement is true, (which I assume it is, because you said it.) then you are blind to what a family should be....You are blind to how a wife who feels loved, honored and appreciated acts and behaves....It's OK to be messed up, we all are to some degree....(it's the curse of carnal minds, and weak flesh)....But the only time you are I become hopeless (like your wife views you) is when we fail to OWN our crap, and work to change it....
I have to start my day praying for the heavenly Father through Christ, to renew my mind (make it a spiritual mind)...Because my carnal nature must be put to death....The works of it, will always produce selfish desires.....Our wives aren't meant to carry the loads we as husbands are created to do....They never have, and never will.....I know you know this!....Just like we could never fulfill their roles in the marriage....
Forget about wishing you had tried sooner, (that's just victim talk, that really is just saying what's the use in trying now) there is no time like the present!...As long as you are on this side of the ground, there is nothing stopping you from starting today!....I'm glad your a Professional, I'm sure you are intelligent...But that can only work against you, if that is where you get your identity from...Because it's going to take humility and learning to be thankful, I mean truly thankful, in order to master the level of behavior you need...WE ALL NEED!
Yep...When you look your beautiful children in the eyes,...And your faithful wife....Just make sure what ever road you choose, you have no regrets....And if you find out you need help, it's available, if you only seek it......
c
What are you doing for treatment?
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
The very idea that we have to use our brains to solve the problems in our brain is an irony only people with ADHD can truly appreciate. You do not have to live your life like this. It's okay and quite natural to be sad, but I can feel your desperation, and I bet your wife can, too. I have been there, but I can tell you that it's not a winning look and never attracts someone to you (or back to you). On your 2 1/2 hour commute, you have plenty of time to listen to podcasts. Lee Baucom is great for dealing with panic when you're in a marriage crisis. Don't talk about what you are doing to change; non-ADHDers hate that, because it triggers their anger for all the times we've promised and have fallen short. Don't try to change 3 million things at once. YOU WILL FAIL if you don't limit your habit changes. Don't try to do this even if your wife complains about what you haven't changed and does not notice what you have done. Her anger might be such that she may lash out at you out of resentment (and perhaps, equally, because you have a lot of changing to do). But you can't be successful if you set yourself up poorly. Change is very hard for us, so maybe tell us your wife's top complaints about you and your own top 3 (also about you), and maybe we all can help you prioritize.
BUT, there's this: Your wife has not said no to therapy. She just hasn't answered you. There really IS a difference. She's wanted this type of epiphany for a long time. She's pissed because it took you so long (not judging; I have been there, too).
As you can guess by my screen name, I have ADHD, too, but I'm stubborn as hell. I have worked for years and have made a lot of personal progress, but have failed on the relationship front. We've had a very rough year, but I have made more relationship inroads in the past month than I have in my entire marriage. My husband is talking to me like a confidant when he wants to rant about something (not related to me or us) which he hasn't done in a long time, he's been thanking me for different things, joking around with me, and spending time with me. We have a very long way to go, but I'm cautiously optimistic. If nothing else, I am making changing that make me a better person and mom, and that is important, too.
One more thing...
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
You said that you were forced to resign because you knocked freeze spray into someone and saying "WTF"audibly. Here is my take: 1) This was the last straw, and there have been other incidents, that you were either unaware of or just unaware in general. People with ADHD are not always aware how we appear to others. 2) This may be the other reason your wife does not believe you. It seems a bit ridiculous to me as reasons to be forced to resign. For being a klutz and swearing? I'm sorry, but those are stupid reasons to fire someone. So I highly suspect more is going on here. Do you have any idea what that might be?
The biggest impediment ... to an ADHD treatment plan
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
'The very idea that we have to use our brains to solve the problems in our brain is an irony only people with ADHD can truly appreciate.'
The biggest impediment to devising, implementing and rigorously following an ADHD treatment plan is that the person 'in charge' of 'devising, implementing and rigorously following...' has ADHD. Catch-22.
Very true.
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
But it CAN be done. I know a number of adults who take their ADHD treatment seriously. It's just a trillion times harder. But where there's a will, there's a way.
Relationship
Submitted by TooTall on
I'm going to be sympathetic with the original poster and encourage him. I have recently been separated after 9 years of marriage and we have 4 children. I too think my wife is a million dollar girl and adore our children. I too loved being married. I also am a Christian who has prayed incessantly for answers for my entire life as to why I'm struggling. I've seen a number of counselors and psychiatrists and tried various stimulants over the years and tried alternative treatments, but they all had bad side effects and no one clearly explained what it was we were trying to accomplish and what that journey would look like. As hard as it may be to believe, I too just didn't see the big picture till I was separated and till I read Melissa Orlov's books on marriage and ADHD. My wife also tried to help me live a balanced life, but in my own mind there were always other factors to consider and so her decisions just didn't seem as simple as they were. I wasn't trying to be argumentative with her. I now realize that I will never see the big picture well or make decisions easily, and that I have to trust my wife even when I still am not sure about it being the right decision. It is not that I was trying to lead the life I did, but somehow I just always ended up doing so being overwhelmed in projects, trying to save money by doing things myself, trying to go to school without being able to succeed, etc. In my own way I was trying as hard as I possibly could, but I didn't know how to go about it differently. I was doing exactly what Melissa mentions in her books "trying harder" because I just didn't know how to "try smarter". I also grew up with people saying you just need to try harder, pray more, try this herb or essential oil, try this diet, etc... All of this made finding the truth about ADHD so much harder. I now have a psychiatrist that actually takes the time to make a proper diagnosis, explains what to look for with proper treatment, is willing to listen to me. I now increasingly understand how hard my behavior has been on my wife. I too am trying to do everything I can to earn her respect, while I do everything I can to educate myself and optimize treatment and lifestyle and behavior modification. I pray it's not too late for our relationship, but I also know my wife will not come back to me the way I was and understandably so. She's asked for space and so I give her total space to heal. I try not to bug her unless it's about work, money or the kids. I try to show kindness in anyway that I can while being separated. I hope that in due time she also will read Mellissa Orlov's books. I think understanding why I behaved the way I did and knowing how to deal with life will make a huge difference in our relationship. Her biggest struggle was not understanding my behavior and not knowing how to help. I use these questions now to guide my life and i hope they help. 1) Are my actions contributing to a well balanced life? 2) Are my actions pleasing to God, my wife, my kids and lastly myself. So many of my endless projects and other sources of frustration could have been handled differently by applying these questions to my life. I so wish that I had known what I know now much, much earlier, but I find huge comfort in knowing that God is in total control and that my being separated is not due to me being intentionally hurtful, but I also acknowledge looking at it now that I made life very difficult for my wife. Trust God and do what's right in His eyes, optimize ADHD meds, educate yourself as much as possible, and implement the changes as you learn them. I'll be praying for you and your family.
I agree and will also try to apply ADHDmomof2's advice, as well as the other suggestions...
My last tip is to look at things from the other persons perspective before responding impulsively, realizing increasingly how often my impulses do not see the big picture. Even thought it's insanely hard, it helps me so much in either not saying anything in the heat of the moment, or at least slowing down the impulsive response.
too tall...
Submitted by c ur self on
Your post tells much about your heart; It is also awesome advice...Self awareness is so difficult for individuals who can get overwhelmed (in their minds) by life so easily much of the time....I will pray for you brother....
Hoping all will work out with your family....
Be at Peace!
c
Update...
Submitted by TooTall on
It's been over 3 months since we were separated. I see God taking care of us both in so many different ways. On the other hand I still haven't been able to control my emotions and have texted and emailed my wife hurtful messages that I regret instantly once the emotions pass... The consequence has been that because I couldn't control myself, we're now heading for legal separation. It's so hard, because the only thing I want to do is love my wife like Jesus loves, but all I do is increase her pain, the kids suffer and I hurt. The good part is that we've reached the point where everyone involved realizes that we need to block phone numbers and emails in order for there to be any hope of reconciliation and that more will power on my part won't cut it. My advice for anyone in my position is to get totally separated sooner rather then later if that's what it takes to stop hurting your spouse. It takes so long to sort out meds and find counsellors who understand ADHD, plus I may be bipolar as well which only complicates things more... On the other hand I find comfort in seeing God work in both our lives, the fact that we're both trying to do Gods will, and He is a God of hope and can do miracles... Ask for help early and look to God. Wishing everyone all the best in their own struggles, and praying for your success!