My husband was recently diagnosed with ADHD a few months ago. We have been married for 21 years and have a 17 yr old and a 5 yr old. We have been in couples therapy for 3 years going in circles until finally figuring out he has ADHD. I think my therapist new all along but knew that if my husband didn’t come up with it on his own he would never have believed her and wud have ended our couples therapy immediately. Only because all these years of struggle have been due to the fact that I am crazy, emotional, depressed, and unable to handle life. According to my ADHD husband of course. and after reading all these other blogs I am not alone. He is on Aderol now tryin to get the dose right and wants a new start to our marriage. But I am tired, emotionally and physically. The day he was diagnosed was the day I had mustered up the strength to end the marriage. But now I’m supposed to try to make it work. Why?
Why is it bad if I leave the marriage?
Submitted by Konagirl on 10/11/2018.
Done.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
You don't have to try to make the marriage work, if you are at the breaking point, or past it.
If you feel like you've tried everything you could think of to make your marriage work, but you still couldn't save the marriage.
It's not all on you to make it work. It shouldn't be all on the Non ADHD spouse to make all the changes. Marriage should be a partnership.
After 13 years of struggling in my marriage, I was broken , depressed , overweight, stressed out....and DONE.
I understand completely how
Submitted by Konagirl on
I understand completely how you feel. I'm wondering if you are still in that relationship and how it's going. I am old enough now to know there is no greener grass on the other side just different kinds of grass! I feel I must decide what is easier to deal with. The stress of caring for 2 kids alone, having to manage an adult, financial stress, actually being alone at night, having a partner that's physically there but not mentally or emotionally, finding love or not.
Reply
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I filed for divorce after 17 years of marriage.
He was abusive and was unwilling to change.
My boyfriend has ADHD, which is why I have sought out advice on these forums. We've had some ups and downs over the last three years and some of that was related to his ADHD. Some of it had to do with me not understanding how ADHD works.
My boyfriend went to a Behavioral therapist years before we met, and it helped him tremendously . He got to the point where what he was doing was not working, and decided to seek help.
I wish.you the best, and hope things get better for you.
Time limit
Submitted by adhd32 on
It would be so easy to stay if the medication was the magic pill. Unfortunately, there is a lot more work to be done that the ADDer often doesn't want to do. My suggestion would be to put a time limit on his actions and let him know in a very clear and concise way that if you don't see some change in, say, 4 months you will be gone. Do not comment on his behavior or actions during this time period. Don't remind him of his responsibilities. Don't get sucked into his drama. Do not fix things. Avoid fighting back, try to walk away. Stick to your word. If he doesn't step up and show that he is serious about dealing with his behaviors, you know it is time to move on.
magic pill syndrome.
Submitted by Konagirl on
I do need to set a time limit and stick to it. I always have a reason or holiday or event etc. to keep dragging on. I totally agree with the magic pill thing. He needs to have behavioral therapy too. From what I have read he seems to be the opposite of most adult ADHD people who struggle to keep a job. His main focus has been only work for last 15 years, and it has consumed all of his time and energy. So his only behavior treatment he has done is to make lists for his work to keep him on track. It does enable him to let go of work stuff when he is at home and try to focus on family more. I am training myself not to engage in his frustration and chaos, or be his nurse and it does ease the tension and fighting. But for so many years I have not been able to speak my mind or bring up anything that bothers me without a war. And once again after reading and researching I'm pretty sure he has Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. So it is really hard to not engage when I've been silenced for so long. Where's my Magic pill?
Your magic pill...
Submitted by c ur self on
I suggest boundaries....and possibly a separation, IF, he refuses to manage his life, respect the boundaries, and do the work of a Husband and Father...Divorce would be the very last thing I would consider....Your post say's you have moved into a somewhat hopeless mindset, to some degree....It's easy to do, when there is no energy or effort seemingly coming from our spouse's....I feel your pain...
I will pray for you Konagirl....
c
Konagirl I could have written
Submitted by Libby on
Konagirl I could have written this. My DH is also consumed with work. It is actually worse for us as we are business owners. He has zero boundaries with work hours. I too keep having reasons to keep dragging on, 13 little grandbabies and my children top that list. They are my life.
I agree...
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I gave my husband a time limit and nothing changed.
I don't know
Submitted by overwhelmed wif... on
I don't know why you're supposed to try to make it work. With so many years of struggle, I would say that it's your husband's turn to try. He's been diagnosed. He now knows what he needs to work on. It is his disease and his challenge. You have already tried. Only he can make it work.