My wife has ADD AND depression and has had for several years now. She had been successful keeping it under control and seeing a counselor but has not been back to counseling for about 2 years. As we age (she’s 66) her depression has gotten much worse. For the past 2 weeks all she has done is lay round the house not feeling like doing anything. She refuses to go back to her doctor or to councellling and I don’t know what to do. She absolutely will not talk to me about getting help. I love everything her and took a vow to stand by her and that’s what I am and will do. I travel a lot for my business and worry about her when I’m gone. I try to take her with me but she doesn’t want to go. I don’t know know how to help her or what to do. Please help!
She Won’t Get Help
Submitted by patlaap on 08/17/2019.
I'm sorry that you're in this
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I'm sorry that you're in this situation. My ex-husband (we divorced in 2016 after 31 years of marriage) has depression and ADHD. It was very difficult, often impossible, to persuade him to get help with his depression. He did see therapists and take medication at various times but not consistently. At this point, I neither take credit for him seeking treatment nor responsibility for him not doing so. The motivation and initiative to seek help really have to come from the individual who is depressed.
You can't help her by worrying....
Submitted by c ur self on
I wish I had an answer for you....I've lived with the ups and downs of emotions for 11 years now....After many many mistakes this one thing i have come to understand, there is nothing good that comes from worry or mothering....I've been in your shoes for a long time...Love keeps us asking ourselves, what can I do to help her, to make it better?.....My faith has really increased over the last several years....Life was easy for me (I guess) to a degree, comparatively speaking....I made so many mistakes, trying to fix, give advice, point out a better way...But she lives in a mind that wasn't able hear or accept any help....(Closed mind).....All it did was create anxiety in me, and division in our relationship.
What you and I can do is be kind loving husbands, that is faithful to pray for our spouse....Does she have a female support group of Christian sisters?...When my wife goes into these depression phases she has learned to pull herself out of it....Like I said, I did more harm than good trying to force her to see herself...
The things that seem to cause her to go there (depression state) is boredom, internal and external conflict, the inability to manipulate or control circumstances as it relates to others...(forced accountability)...She is 58, and has gotten much better over the last few years...Me and our 4 adult children have learned to walk away from her desire to control a situation....I think she finally realized that the pouting wasn't going to accomplish her goal (to have her way) so she has matured to a degree there....But it is still not uncommon for her to have times where she spends 20 or 30 hours in bed...I've learned to just live my life like she doesn't exist...Because it's her choice, and I am helpless to stop it....
A few things that seems to help her when she is feeling down is...Lot's of light....She will pull all the shades up, and open the doors, and turn on a lot of lights...Her job helps her, being forced to have regular routines...People who live in a mind like my wife, or terrible self motivators...She meets at least once a week w/ other Christian ladies for pray breakfasts, that usually encourages her....
All I can tell you is what I tell myself....God is sovereign, and he loves her, and he is present, and I just need to trust that, and trust him.....Way to often, I have just been in his way, with my attempts to control or fix it....
Blessings patlaap...
Praying for you and your wife...
c
Thank you
Submitted by patlaap on
Thank you for your response. Yes, I’m beginning to realize that there is nothing I can do but pray for her. I agree that boredom is certainly one of the triggers. I travel quite a bit for our business which leaves her home by herself (she refuses to go with me). She has been doing our taxes for several years and we have been getting progressively later with them. Had to have an extension until October and I really don’t know where she is with them. When I ask her about them, she tells me she should have them to our CPA in a couple of days. However, she’s been saying that for 2 months now. I have a meeting with our CPA this week to see what I can do.
no, she doesn’t have a prayer group she attends. It’s difficult enough to get her to go to church on Sunday. Don’t get me wrong, she is a Christian, but she simply can’t motivate herself to get ready sometimes. I do pray for her, everyday. The Lord has certainly answered some of my prayers. I appreciate you keeping us in your prayers.
Depression is hard to cope
Submitted by Sollertiae on
Depression is hard to cope with and so very hard to drag yourself out of. I am sorry, both for you and her. If she doesn't want to seek help though that is her choice. Certainly she has the tools to work through it herself, if she is able to get to that point. The most you can do is be supportive, remind her you love her and value her (because doesn't in herself), keep being inclusive in activities and display good mental health hygeine yourself. If she is willing to talk at all, then listen as calmly as possible - but she might not be able to explain.
If as you say she is suffering from you being away, perhaps it is time to find a way to see if you can mitigate the travel a bit within what is possible. Have you asked why she is reluctant to come (anxiety, no energy..)?
Depression
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I have a 30 year history with depression. I thought I could handle things myself, and most of the time I did. Was I entirely successful in doing so? Not always, but I didn't know another way to handle things. Your love and support of your wife is wonderful. It means so much to have someone who cares and is concerned, at least it does to me. All you can do is be there for her, as frustrating as I am sure it is for you that you cannot get her to seek help.
I can tell that you really
Submitted by ashley benson on