Submitted by un12720 on 08/23/2019.
My husband is 67 years old and has ADHD (untreated). He definitely has anger issues, but, his favorite modus is to constantly talk about the past. He is also extremely critical of me on just about every level.
Is it perhaps easier for him to look backward rather than forward?
Any thoughts?
This is familiar to me
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
It is interesting that you bring this up, UN. My husband talks about the past quite a bit, too and I never really considered that it might have something to do with ADHD. He talks so fondly and often of his younger heydays, often out of nowhere. With our daughter, he brings up a lot of memories from when she was very young (maybe 2-4). As a pre-teen, this really bothers/embarrasses her and she repeatedly asks him to stop (he doesn't). It doesn't really bother me per se, but I have noticed this, so I wanted to chime in on this peculiar similarity!
And yes, my husband is extraordinarily critical. I think he leans towards the negative in general. Just yesterday I was sweeping the floor and he commented on how my technique isn't very good. What? In the same few minutes, he said to our daughter, "You used to have such cute hair... what happened?" Though I make quite elaborate and complete meals virtually every night, he will always find something to pick on. (In fact, my daughter is so tuned in to when he is about to criticize a meal that she will jump in and say, "Don't... just don't criticize anything" before he has a chance.) It goes on and on. It feels like he likes to make other people feel bad. Maybe it makes him feel better or less flawed somehow. In some cases I can see it is the ADHD symptom of speaking before he thinks (impulsivity). I really don't know all the reasons, but I am done letting (most of) his comments get to me. What bothers me a lot is that our daughter gets very understandably hurt by his rude comments. I hate watching her go through this with him. Eventually she will likely reach the somewhat apathetic place I'm in with her dad, but it is painful to watch the journey.
My thoughts are with you. I hope you are finding plenty of bright spots in your life to balance the challenges of untreated ADHD.
Unfiltered comments....
Submitted by c ur self on
Those of us who are around it everyday know add/adhd and unfiltered comments can be quiet common...When a spouse continues in this type behavior (refusing to recognize or just carelessly justifying it)...Then their must be consequences....Intrusive critical comments is abuse, and it must be owned, or it will just continue....I suggest you find a way to separate yourself from it....A person who refuses to hold themselves accountable for the words they speak to, or at others, isn't someone I want to be around (or my children)...I don't care who it is or how we are related..It's unhealthy and should not be tolerated....I personally have found words to be quiet useless when it comes to asking for this type behavior to stop....But, I have found boundaries (actions) do work....
I lived my life arguing, fighting, angry and bitter for years....I was so messed up, our lives together was a nightmare....I knew how to have a healthy marriage, (Thirty years of learning it w/ my first wife) so that was what I decide we would have....LOL....What's wrong with this statement? Yes a lot of things, but, the biggest thing is....**WE**....There is never a WE, in I or you....So pointing it out, and feeling hurt, and used, just continued until I finally realized I had to change...I could not be the easy target any longer....See many of our spouses don't care...That's what justification and refusal of ownership is...Unconcern...But based on your post, it's obvious you are like me (most of us)...You care!
I hope you can find the courage to change....We will never change another human, but, we can change how we make ourselves available for uncaring and thoughtless comments and actions....
c
Morning, C!
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Just when I think I have myself under control and my boundaries tight, something gets me! My daughter has significant health anxiety (has been in therapy for years) and she has been struggling with it quite a bit this summer. While watching TV with me yesterday, something about heart attacks came up and I could see it was too much for her. We turned off the show. My husband witnessed her distress and my efforts to help her deal with it and move on. Just before bed, he asked her for a hug. This is really unusual for him and she commented on that. "You've never wanted a hug before... why?" He didn't like being questioned and started arguing with her (getting down to her level like a child). She asked him why again and he responded, "As you saw earlier, people can die from heart attacks so you'd better give me a hug while you can."
Ugh. Needless to say I wish I'd kept my cool better, but I pulled him aside and went off. I told him that was mean and unacceptable parenting. Of course, he called himself blunt and blamed her for questioning why he wanted a hug.
That is just SO mean I can't stand it. He is using her deepest fears against her as he walks off to bed to sleep soundly. On the other hand, I was up most of the night dealing with the emotional fallout. My daughter slept only a few hours and I slept 30 minutes. I think I might be done. I am trying to wait until she's older to maximize my chances of primary custody. But there has to be a breaking point. He is doing a lot of damage and I am pretty sure he's never going to see it.
Your post kind of breaks my heart melody....
Submitted by c ur self on
If the love and remorse your husband felt for your daughters situation in the moment (when he asked for the hug) would have been humbly owned, it would have been such a blessing for his daughter, and him...But that takes being able to see/own our failures....What would have happened if he would have said...Baby, Dad loves you so much, and I'm so sorry that I haven't hugged you and told you more often....
Yes we hold our own healing in our hands so often...It's called Love!....
Bless you Melody...
Praying...
c
Thanks so much, C
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
That is exactly what I thought! How beautiful it would have been if he had turned it into a moment of connection. I opt to step back in the rare moments they get along so they can connect. It almost always ends in upset though, which is sad.
Thank you so much for your kind words and understanding. It helps more than you know!
It's a muturity thing...
Submitted by c ur self on
I see it here also...Parents have a responsibility to see the big picture...To be the adult, the person who possesses the mental maturity....Parents that never mature mentally, will always battle their children like immature children battle each other...The fruit of which is chaotic and destructive...
c
Memory
Submitted by Sollertiae on
I am sorry your husband is so critical of you. That is very definitely not cool.
Memory and ADHD is fascinating. Short term and working memory is often poor in people with ADHD, filled with holes and gaps and conflict when people are disagreeing over what has happened. One reason you may find him reluctant to engage in more recent memories.
However, those memories that make it into long term are emblazoned so strongly that it is almost as if the person with ADHD is living it all over again, or hasn't left the moment. And given the way they experience time (now and not now) it is very probable that they are almost reliving it blow by blow as if there was no distance in time. The past is not a foreign country. Research shows the emotions of people with ADHD are very, very intense and that colours and ingrains the memory in a way that is hard to move out of. My partner often looks surprised to find me in front of him if he has been down memory lane. But also makes him a superb story teller.
I have worked out that at about 3-6 months I will begin to see which bits of memory he really has lost (Christmas day, 2018 for example), what parts were simply scrambled, and which bits he has been rewriting because he feels shame/something else. At two 1-2 years he will start inserting them into conversations like he does his normal stories and I will see how they are patterned, especially versus mine (I have a different system, also flawed!). And I will suddenly realise he and I both value a moment I thought he had forgotten, which is... lovely.
I can't remember where, but someone once described it as those without ADHD remember in a linear manner triggered by dates or scent or events, whereas with ADHD the memory is in their body and all times are one - a movement, motion, action might plunge them into 30 years ago or 5 minutes.
Um. I study the history of memory? So this is all riveting to me as I find it remarkably similar to how people in past oral societies encoded information.