It has been 3 years since finding this site. It has helped me so much...I need to "talk" recent events out here now.Been married for 45 years. (Me 65 H 67)Took marriage course alone. Tried to get ADHD H to participate with saved sessions. H sluffed thru 2 of them but claims he did all. I have worked on me really hard. got Bipolar 2 dx, lost 80 lbs, exercise, hobbies, quit the nagging, got it together. Things were great for a while despite H refusal to accept ADHD & even basic treatments. Says he is stubborn, doesn't want to and its too hard.. Recently we both regressed. I am introvert and have not gone to several functions due to my intense panic attacks . He is extra extrovert. He is PO at me about this. But won't discuss my side of it and be empathetic nor work with me to brainstorm ideas to combat this.. I nagged him about typical stuff house, trash mess... So H stepped up workaholic during day and stayed in office at nite-not coming home. I suspect at least another emotional affair. H has no empathy and avoids all discussions about our problems. I fail to try as well. I moved upstairs (we have a very large house) and now over 1 month of in house separation. I love my house, garden etc. I pressed him and we agreed- him down me upstairs. Since moving upstairs my stress, anxiety, sleep habits have all improved. Brighter environment now without H mess to look at. I think I am covering up my feelings with playing house. But I am taking care of me. I need him financially. His business thriving knock on wood! H says NOW he has many freedoms he did not have. When asked he cannot give any examples. says" I can't think of any right now but I know there are many''. (I think to myself-you have been doing what you want) I believe he is also passive aggressive. I stay calm and ask & answer in ways that force him to take responsibility for his statements. H avoids that- says I am twisting his words.Then goes away for 5 days on "business" . Upon return calls me to say he came back with "stomach pull" (tells my son from dancing.) I figure mother natures works in interesting ways.He goes to hospital. Also has shortness of breath, he claims from pain.He comes back home I have to ask 3 times via text message how he made out at hospital. Finally he tells me via phone. He is sitting downstairs. I go down and ask questions -same ones several times to get what's going on.They did test..has small clot on lung. I remain calm. Also he has rash from topical muscle stuff-ER doc says shingles. H disagrees says burn from topical stuff. Finally, my point and question of why i am on this website today. What do I do?He DOES NOT tell our 3 adult sons(all mid 30's) about clot dx. I do tell them separately elsewhere.. Sons say that they will wait to see if he tells them. We all realize this is serious. We are all meeting later tonite to discuss further. Thinking of medical intervention style meeting. H is supposed to make appt with regular dr on Monday. I just heard H on phone with his older brother, he harps on about argument he had with ER Doc about shingles vs skin burn. IS chatty about our in house separation. Brother is way too casual in tone so I know he does not know. DO I grow a backbone and confront H about his silence.DO I threaten to tell sons and bro and then do it? DO I tell him sons know. DO I call up older brother and set him straight...nicely. I have 1 close friend and 1 sis in law, I have talked to. Both say it is H responsibility to tell them, his bro and make appt and go for follow up. This is very very serious. H has blood thinners and is taking them. My psychiatrist has moved out of state. I have been searching interviewing new ones and have appt this week with new one. Yes I know asking for advice from strangers on this website.. I don't know what else to do. Please comment.
Ugh for you! I'm sorry you
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Ugh for you! I'm sorry you're in this situation. I can relate to a certain extent. My former husband has very high blood pressure and all his hair fell out a few months ago. I was actually shocked that he made and went to a doctor appointment for these things. I wouldn't have known what to do (other than encourage him to go) if he hadn't followed through with the appointment. 1) We're divorced. 2) We live 150 miles apart. 3) His siblings live farther away and claim either that it's not their business or they have no pull, even though he's the parents' caregiver. 4) Did I say we're divorced? Sigh.
I'll keep you in mind and let you know if I have anything useful to share!
thank you
Submitted by eyekahlo on
Thanks PI.
Wait, there is one thing I am
Submitted by Sollertiae on
Wait, there is one thing I am struggling with here ... he has a blood clot in his lung and they sent him home?! To follow up with a GP?!?! Even with blood thinners, what? Argh. That isn't helpful.
Although it is up to him if he wishes to tell people, even if follow up is less of an optional extra. Despite it probably being scary and easier to ignore. Goodluck with your intervention.
I will say it doesn't really matter if it is a burn or shingles, there is not much more to be done anyway about it either way ... so not much point arguing it out.
Need clarification..AM coffee not on board yet
Submitted by eyekahlo on
Thx Sollertiae. I agree about hospital etc. I get what you are saying about Although it is up to him if he wishes to tell people, but the next part is not clear.. even if follow up is less of an optional extra. Dawn not breaking over Marblehead here.
late night writing!
Submitted by Sollertiae on
Sorry, I was suffering from end of a long day-itis and not typing actual sentences. It is meant to be saying that he can choose to not tell people, but given he has a lung clot at some point he will have to follow up, or be forced (via emergency) to followup. So if he seems to be rapidly declining in function, call emergency services on his avoidant self. But at least he seems from your other reply, to be at the doctor.
Thank you Sollertiae re late nite writing
Submitted by eyekahlo on
Thx I understand it now. I agree totally. Update--After bad cold & continued pain - new info-most likely broken ribs. Otherwise status quo, now 2 months of in house separation. Roommates with no benefits -we interact fine with our adult sons. I lost it when he had intense pain/cold. I ended up telling both his bros in an effort to get him to see Dr.again.Mixed response yet effective. After the fact, I believe I did H dirty work for him as no reaction/discussion about my telling his bros. Don't think he could tell his bros on his own. Yet he did tell me he told many non family members. That backfired H says as many people asking about him. Doesn't want pity. H can tell non family but not family.Finally H told our sons.Home atmosphere friendly. H alternates between very friendly then aloof. H invites me to watch TV/share food. I do that maybe 1x wk. Politely decline otherwise. (no laundry,cleaning etc).His dog his problem altho H tries to get me involved.Kinda weird- i think an Oedipal thing here. wants attention but can't reciprocate.PA typical ADHD as well.Which came first chix or egg? A lot of attempts to bait me. I am not biting!. I plan to keep roommate status, avoid PA bait and take care of myself-movies walks hobbies etc. I have chosen to back off. Give him space.I realize the more I try to engage the more H backs away -keeps saying he owes me a conversation..It has been 4 weeks. I know I could not continue with things the way they were, cannot go back to that. I have to suck it up and realize this is the way it now is. I am fine with that except for unpredictable emotional 'more than' moments. Cleaned out dollarstore tissue dept! Keeping the pity party to a minimum.Thanks for yours and the other commenters here--your comments and support. Nice to have this forum.
Hi eyekahlo
Submitted by c ur self on
After 45 years of being one flesh w/ your spouse....(any of us)...it is so easy to want to think for them, which causes us to come to conclusions, and act on what we consider their behalf...What usually happens when we do this to our spouse is, they feel disrespected, and rightfully so....
The idea of in house separation can be good in my opinion...It' saves money, (instead of moving to another place) if both respect it.....Also for it to benefit the relationship it can be used for both parties to think about why it had to happen, without any pressure or dealing w/ the others thoughts (which usually are self justifying and blaming)....Which in real life, I've found in most cases, both parties are in need of repentance...(Bear some degree of blame)
Your husband is like myself....Neither of us will live past our allotted days....Men in general do not want to face the reality of sickness...So our default is usually ignore it....Women on the other hand are much more likely to become a Hypochondriac....
I would agree w/ your friends...respect your husbands rights in this matter....I know you would want him to respect yours.....And he should....
I will pray now for your marriage, and your husbands clot specifically...
c
Thx C
Submitted by eyekahlo on
Yes you are correct.We both contributed to this. It took some time for me to wrap my head around that. Thanks to Melissa's marriage course it finally got thru to me. Often after the fact,but I painfully became aware. Enough doing the I am right you are wrong dance. In house separation has many benefits...top benefit: I think very clearly with reduced anxiety.- had many practice runs preparing for inevitable.. Pre H dx issues conflict complicated things even further.. by intense event --exposing H's apathy & disrespect--made it crystal clear to me. Move upstairs. Only difference now is where I sleep,eat and watch Netflix(and no vaccuming/cleaning downstairs!). Lately,H has been coming home early and doing his thing. Safe for him to come home-none of my bs to deal with. Likewise for me. H ongoing infidelities sting..he can talk to them but not me.Again why am I so upset.. it has been going on all along.. But look at me -am here doing basically the same. Other issue..his dog a major PIA-walking feeding etc. Been pressing H to come home and take responsibility for her. His unrelenting desire for a dog and me not- resulted in his promise to be responsible for her. Did not happen. I parented and now see how I enabled.Since my move up here, he has been consistently walking her feeding etc. I learn the slow and hard way! And yes I now am beginning to understand that men face mortality differently than women. (I don't think it should be that way..now who is in denial.)This Cinderella has thrown out her glass slippers. Fantasy time over with. Other than dx and separation, minimal details to friend/sis inlaw. Ultimately sides are taken..no benefits to me.New p doc will earn his/her money! Have sought help in the city as my small remote town is well a typical small remote town.
Thank you C. & prayers. Coincidentally, last nite 1st nite Rosh hashanah. H does observe this. (I am of the B.Maher/ R.Gervais sect) But I rarely forget RH/YK -always preparing, cooking etc for High Holidays rituals. Boy I spaced out this year! H takes this pentinence very seriously. SO maybe with your input ,something will wake up this meshuggah. :-)
--Well just now H has called asking for ins cards details.(He refuses to carry them)
He is at Dr office. I am duct taping my mouth shut and will let this play out.
Just another trap....But, also another opportunity....
Submitted by c ur self on
(H has called asking for ins cards details.(He refuses to carry them)
This simple statement you made, (he refuses to carry his insurance cards) say's so much...It's not about the cards, it's about a life style....How do we (the spouse) force accountability on to someone who lives this way?...Most of us want stop allowing ourselves to be drug into their refusal to make important things important....(responsible living)...What should we do?....The only way to force accountability w/ a spouse who want live responsibly, but makes dang sure they have us (the spouse) on speed dial, and/or keeps us in crying distance, is to give them some tough love...There is plenty of room in my wallet for my health and dental cards....:)
It's very easy for responsible adults to make invalids out of irresponsible adults...(as a spouse) It's very easy to fall to manipulation and control....(as a spouse)....What's the first cards an irresponsible spouse plays in these situations?...First they usually just attempt to use you (hoping you will always carry them) to cover for them...Then if you tell them no, (especially if you have been mostly carrying them in life) they will play other cards....You don't love me!! or, If you loved me you would do this or that!!....If you refuse to go down that street, (see through it, and walk away) then they may try, Anger....Bullying...Stone walling....Any thing to get their crutch working properly again...So much dysfunction happen's in relationships because of human weakness, and insecurities...Never real love...Real love is what enables us to force accountability, by not participating in the dysfunction...With a smile in our hearts..:)
c
c ur self thx
Submitted by eyekahlo on
thank you so much.you hit the nail on the head. ins cards thing tells so much he does have room in wallet. Also has cards photos on his phone.Funny (not ha ha funny)how H calls me rather than look for something himself. Then said wallet lost...after over 2 hours without my help( back and forth to office, car, truck, stores etc) finally finds it in waste basket next to bed. I love using the pregnant pause effect-works everytime when these find my xx requests arise.
I'm praying for you also.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
This must be so difficult for you.
My Father passed away in July of 2014, from cancer. In January of that year, he went to the doctor for an Xray of his chest. He had been plagued by recurrent upper respiratory infections, and was a heavy smoker for years. He did not tell my stepmom or any of us what the results of the Xray were. Granted, it was his business whether he wanted to share this information with us. Fast forward to June, a couple weeks before Fathers Day. He had symptoms of being a diabetic, and my stepmom revamped their eating habits, so that his health would improve. What we didn't know then was that in January, the doctor had found a spot on his lung, and it was cancer. By June it had spread to his liver. By July he was hospitalized, and we were told it was cancer. Two weeks later, he was gone.
I don't mean to scare you by posting this. I respect the right of individuals to share what they choose to, in regards to their health. However, I wish I had known sooner, I could have spent more time with my Dad.
I agree.. AdeleS6845
Submitted by eyekahlo on
Sons are aware, H bros now aware. Evidently non family people have known way way before family (I was the first thankfully) H argumentative about me telling my bro/wife. H says he" doesn't want people asking about him or pity". I said " tough i am telling my bro/wife." I tried to have that what if conversation.. H avoided- "don't want to talk about it now." I said" I don't want to have our last conversations to be hostile." He says 'boy that's a weird thing to say are you sure you are okay?" (I think to myself only----I resented the implication) saying "that is not what I meant." I added that- " since 4 of our friends have recently died suddenly- but all due to their own health neglect--You just never know when the last time you speak to someone could be. Don't want that to haunt either one of us." No answer from H. Later just says he respects me and I did a great job with our kids. I just stare at him then retort-" Thanks after 47 years of being together--you respect me. fu" SO I am taking care of myself. Went to an early Hallowe'en party -had fun.Visited relatives had not seen. Had some fun. And I DO carry my insurance cards!