Submitted by inSearchForHope on 12/24/2019.
It seems like my husband is changing quite a bit recently-to calm, attentive, supportive, understanding person that's also patient s and not about to blow up if I open my mouth. What caused the change? I'm clueless as we are not talking about " elephant in the room " at all. So, currently, there's nothing to be sad about or wish for. But, I can't stop crying, severely and multiple times a day. Because 10 years together broke me. I desperately want to re commit and enjoy things now , but I'm totally depleted. I have nothing left to put into rebuilding relationship.
now he can rightfully claim I AM the broken one. Because I am:(
I understand your feelings.
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I understand your feelings. In a sense, my ex-husband's mental health problems (ADHD, depression, anxiety, personality disorder) no longer matter very much, because he is now at retirement age, his caregiving job (and burden) has ended because of the recent deaths of his parents, and each of our financial situations is much improved. But I can't go back to the way we were, i.e., married. He hurt me in ways he still doesn't really acknowledge, and I know he hasn't changed, only the circumstances have changed. And I am so so tired.
I have felt similarly.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
With my now ex-husband, he started making some changes when I filed for divorce. I left the house for a brief period and then came back. He was backpedaling, tearful, acting contrite saying that we needed to go out on dates, we need to spend more time together, we needed to communicate more. What I didn't tell him was that I was already done and had been for a while. 10 years of abuse took their toll on me and I could take no more. I really didn't care at that point if he was willing to change it was already too late. ( Was he really sorry for abusing me and treating me like garbage, or was he sorry that I was standing up for myself and fed up enough to leave him?)
The only reason I came back was because of our children. I didn't want him to say that I abandoned the children because then I wouldn't be able to even get half custody.
In your situation, after what you have been through it sounds like you are waiting for the other shoe to drop. Even though you have seen changes in your husband I imagine you feel that they are too good to be true and too little too late.
I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. I feel for you and what you're going through and will keep you in my prayers.
I hope you are right about him, for everyone's sake....
Submitted by c ur self on
We all have our breaking points....After so much (negative) water has gone under the bridge, it's difficult to not loose hope....And it's even more difficult to get it back (trust it can be better).....It's sounds like are suffering w/ depression....Please take care of yourself.....
My wife can do what your husband is doing for weeks and even months at times, if enough fear, shame, or embarrassment befalls her....It's really sad to honest....We have to cleave to them, our boundaries, and never get to comfortable...That way we want be so devastated when the familiar surfaces...
c
You CAN get those feelings back.
Submitted by Lee-anne on
I believe my husband of 6yrs has ADHD. Reading Melissas book was like reading my own life. I had 6 amazing months of being his number 1 and then was left feeling abandoned, lonely, ignored, abused, unappreciated, unloved, while he was feeling put down, belittled, insecure, unloved, abused. We were both correct with these statements, and we were both wrong. I incorrectly reacted to his behaviour as if it was about me, because it felt like it was about me. How could I not right? he would walk in the door and walk right past me and lie in our bedroom. If i joined him he would be lying on his back scrolling through facebook telling me how there was nothing interesting on it. When I said you could put it down and pay me some attention, he just kept going. How could I not take things like that personally. And same for him. How could he not take me constantly putting him down about his unreliablity, or doing something wrong, or not the way I would do it personally? We were both in such a bad place. After the first break up he begged me to stay and begged me that we could work this out. I was empty. Lonely. Disconnected. But I stayed. After 2 more years of living in a loveless relationship where nothing changed I ended it again. That was March this year. He and his daughter moved out at the end of June. After a couple of months of living on my own I started to feel again. I enjoyed the time to myself. I was constantly hearing from him about how he wasnt coping and how sad he was. It did break my heart, but I knew I had made the right choice.
Then he said he was going to leave the area we were living in. Something in me hurt. Thats when I realised I still loved him. So I told him so, and that I wanted to work things out. Work out what went wrong. I think in my mind I still thought it was he who had to change. The I started to see my own behaviours from a different light. It was a real opener. I started to realise that I too was to blame for where we were. The biggest realisation was yet to come. The one where I considered ADHD. He had mentioned early on in our relationship that he thought he was and, not having any knowledge of the subject, I incorrectly assumed that just meant he was hyperactive. When I started to research it, and started reading Melissa's book, I realised that this was the root of our issues. When I started to see what my stake in the relationship breakdown was, when I took responsibility for my share of the abuse then I started to forgive him and myself. I have been trying to connect with him ever since. He unfortunately is not being open to this at all, even though I was the love of his life and he wanted to be with me forever and that he wanted the impossible to sort us out. (but that is part of his story he tells himself). He is not ready to face that accepting ADHD is the key to our relationship success.
My point to my story, is that you can get those feelings back, if you really want to love your husband again, like the article in here says, start by grieving for what you lost, and then accept and forgive both you and your husband for the mistakes your both made in the relationship. You can find that love again if you both want to work at it.
Goodluck.