ORIGINAL POST - April 2010
I was diagnosed with ADHD at 16 and I'm now almost 28 and married last year. I think that I'm pretty high functioning but my ADHD symptoms have caused major problems in our relationship and I've tried really hard to explain how ADHD affects my ability to focus, keep track of time and communicate. I've also done a lot to make it easier on my wife. I got an iPhone and keep my schedule organized, I set alarms on it to remind me when I need to do things or be somewhere, I keep a daily journal on it to try and keep track of basic things that happened during the day, I try to make sure I'm not on the computer when we are hanging out together or talking, I reset my sleep schedule to go to bed earlier with her instead of staying up late on my own, I ask her about her day almost everyday (sometimes I still forget), I have a chore routine, we aren't rich but I hold down a steady job, I schedule band practices and other 'me time' while she is at work and I try really hard to do everything I can to make her happy.
One of the major problems is that when there is a problem I get easily frustrated and defensive. She doesn't understand what I'm trying to say and I don't understand her. It can go on for up to 4 hours and I can't keep track of what was said and sometimes get distracted. Sometimes it goes on really late into the night when I have to wake up early for work. I get really tired and it actually makes me feel physically ill. She says its not okay to talk about it later and we have to resolve the issue right then and there. She also gets really emotional and worked up, which I don't blame her for because I obviously do and say stupid things sometimes. We can't seem to work out how to communicate better. I tried making a lot of suggestions that have worked for me in the past, like postponing the conversation to a time that isn't the middle of the night or when we aren't as emotional. I've also tried to tell her what it's like to be ADHD and used some suggestions off this site.
It seems to me that she thinks I'm using it as an excuse and is so fed up that unwilling to learn more about it or use any of the suggestions that I've found online for better communication. I really want to do something to make things better and finally have a little extra money, so I decided it would be good for me to see a therapist who specializes in ADHD and try some behavorial therapy and get some help with communication. She said that I was just doing it for myself to make me feel better, that the therapist would probably say she was in the wrong because they would only be hearing my side of the story, that they would tell me I should get out of the relationship and that it's not worth the money. I don't want to see a therapist for myself, I want to see one to improve our marriage. I can't seem to explain myself well enough to my wife and I need more tools than I can find online to make things better.
So my questions are, how do I improve communication with my wife who seems unwilling to learn more about ADHD and try any of my suggestions? How do I convince her it's would be good for both of us if I saw a therapist? and how can I help her understand better what it's like to be me?
EDIT - UPDATED almost 2 years later
What I wrote about was a really tricky situation which isn't totally resolved but has improved a little bit. I never made it to a therapist but at a certain point last year I put my foot down and refused, as kindly as I could, to talk about problems when she brought them up in the middle of the night. At first I would listen to what she had to say and then excuse myself to go take a walk and smoke a cigarette so I could do some breathing and calm myself down, so that my first words were a reaction but instead a reflection. That helped a lot in not having that initial defensive aggression. I just got in the habit of recognizing when I was about to overflow and then I'd take a quick break to bring myself back down.
That helped shorten the long talks a little bit and helped me focus a little more but I was still really upset that we could potentially end up talking until 2am and then I'd have to wake up at 8am for work. So eventually I reached my limit and stood firm, telling her that I would not have those discussions late in the evening and they would have to wait until the next day. For several months things sucked pretty bad, anytime she wanted to talk and I refused, I would end up sleeping on the couch and she would stomp around the house all angry and then go to sleep in the bed. The next day though, our conversations were significantly shorter and calmer.
It took a long time but now, most of the time at least, she just tells me there is a problem and we agree to talk the next day. Sometimes she just apologizes the next morning and says that it was nothing and other times we have a 30 minute to hour long conversation and everything is all good. We get in less fights and they are rarely bad enough that one of us chooses to sleep on the couch. I think our last big fight was over 4 months ago and she apologized the next morning and told me she over-reacted because of an experience she had in a past relationship.
Without my flight/fight defensive response taking over and her nervous anxiety ramping up her emotional state, communication became much easier. I don't know that any of this will be helpful or work for your relationship but it was helpful for mine. My mother, who has been married to my father for 40+ years actually gave me the advice to postpone the argument and I am very grateful I followed her advice, even though it took a while to see the positive results.
Sounds like panic
Submitted by Nettie on
One guess is she is fearing the unknown, so she needs to educate herself. She can read about ADHD privately. She can accompany you to a counselor and hopefully start trusting the process won't necessarily cause you to abandon her. She can seek counseling for her fear of abandonment, the need to stay up late to "solve" the problem (panic/anxiety) and communication problems. (Do you know WHY she doesn't? Does she?)
And you need to self-advocate for counseling/medical attention if you feel that would help you.
BTW, sounds like you've already done an awesome amount of work. Great job!
copy/paste this for your wife
Submitted by brendab on
Fuser,
You explained your motives very well in this post and maybe you can have better communication if you write things to her. Maybe even copy/paste the I statements you have made in this post. Take her with you to see the therapist so that she can hear the advice. I think it would be good for both of you to see a therapist--she needs input to understand you and to understand how her filters are causing her to react rather than respond. We all do this.
If you do write something to her, maybe have someone else read it before you give it to her. Take responsibility for the weak areas you recognize and tell her how much you want to make changes. Reassure her and maybe ask her to tell you if you act in a way that is reassuring to her, then repeat that action consistently. I read a book called Love and Respect. one of the most important needs a woman has is reassurance. This is especially important when the woman feels vulnerable and perceives that a man's actions are unloving towards her.
Brenda
Why people underestimate ADHD
Submitted by shore on
Congratulations for you for trying, and finding so many helpful techniques.
I'm starting to think that two of the big reasons that people who don't understand or have direct experience with ADHD are so dismissive of it, is that they don't understand the challenges of some basic issues, and the huge consequences they have.
For example - with listening and remembering -
1) If someone doesn't listen and remember, well why can't they just work harder and learn to do that? The best analogy I've heard for that is -- if someone is nearsighted, do you tell them to just buck up and try a little harder to see, or tell them to go to the eye doctor?
2) Casual observers also don't understand that if someone only hears or sees and remembers some (or none!) of what happens - it affects their perceptions and decision making. They live in a different reality and make choices based on that other reality. That's a huge implication that most people don't get.
Maybe at some point you can try to get her to understand how important and far reaching this is.
Anyway, to your question - in any therapy it's useful to focus on your own issues and avoid blame and criticism. Maybe if you make it clear that's what you're trying to do, and that you love her, she'll start to hear more of what you are saying.
No, but if they have glasses I expect them to use them
Submitted by Sueann on
My analogy for ADD is that
Submitted by Eric on
My analogy for ADD is that it's like holding my breath. I can do it for a short while, but I can't do it for long, no matter how hard I try. Unfortunately, those of us with ADD are like people living in a school of non-ADD fish. The fish stay underwater for their whole lives effortlessly. They also look at the people swimming with them, see that we can stay underwater briefly, and then insist that this proves we're capable, if only we'd try. Occasionally, they'll see a hyper-focused person in scuba equipment, which seems like even more compelling proof that we're capable. Maintaining attention isn't about effort any more than holding your breath is.
Not surprised you're discouraged from seeing therapist
Submitted by ioni23 on
Reading over your letter, like everyone else, I applaud your efforts to combat a difficult situation.
You're right, she doesn't want you to see therapy. The reason why should be obvious. I'd say forget sharing that letter with your wife. She will interpret it as you blaming her.
She doesn't want you to see a therapist because she doesn't want you to get better. As long as you are unwell she gets a free pass to act as she pleases. The old 'you're the one with the problem' argument. it does not matter what actions she takes. If she gets angry about something it has to be in response to something you've already done or failed to do.
This is what they call an unwinnable situation.
Dear god, I dread to think what condition your self-esteem is in. I'd almost want to ask you when the last time you were truly happy was but I think you'd burst into tears if you thought about it for more than a few seconds.
Let me guess, you spend most of your time trying to not enjoy things that are personal because you never know when you'll have to stop. If you do something besides work or sleep it is you doing something SHE wants to do. One cannot wear a true poker face forever, but I bet you've gotten very good at it. You're so used to being told how wrong you are that you probably believe it. No wonder you get so defensive. Most people drowning do.
Therapy should not be about saving your relationship. That's marriage counseling. It's about saving you. If you take care of yourself everything else will take care of itself, that is fact. Will it save your marriage? That is for the future to decide, not now.
See your therapist. You already know what to expect from your wife. Now is a good time to spend more time with those who believe in and support you, and less time with those who drag you down. She's either going to wise up and be a little more helpful, or she'll decide it's 'too hard' and move on. Either outcome is better than what you're getting now.
I agree!
Submitted by notavictim on
It really sounds like you married someone who wants to be in a co dependent relationship as opposed to someone who wants you to be responsible. You sound more with it than some non ADD men I know.