I'm new here - stumbled across this forum when I was looking for ideas for living with a dependent spouse.
I live with my husband who has ADD, depression, alcohol use and anxiety. We also have a child, who is struggling with anxiety, and probably has ADD too. I'm the glue that keeps our family together. I sometimes describe my life as having a 7 year old, and a grumpy petulant teenager who can't organise himself or anyone else, gets angry about not being able to find things, has no frustration tolerance, no problem solving skills and sulks if I try to have an adult discussion about how we can make things work better.
I wonder why I stay. I think it's primarily because I know that my husband wouldn't cope without me. We've been together for 20 years and I've always kept everything running. I gave up my full-time job because I knew that our family wouldn't survive if we were both working full-time. I also felt like I couldn't leave while he was depressed but it's been over 10 years now, and I don't think I can do it anymore. I've asked him to leave a few times but he always refuses to go and it would be way too unsettling for our son if I moved out.
Apologies for the rant. It has made me realise that I do need to leave - it just takes a lot of courage to do that, and I'm worried about how our son will cope. I also worry about how my husband will cope and whether he will completely fall apart.
Would love to hear positive stories from people who have left a difficult ADHD relationship and where it's been positive for everyone involved or tips on helping children of parents with ADD.
I divorced my partner, who
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I divorced my partner, who has anxiety, depression, and ADHD, about 5 years ago. Our children were adults by that time. We're all doing okay. I think my ex is doing better now than he was when we were married and I had any expectations for him acting like a partner and providing me with any kind of support. I think he's relieved to be away from me.
I agree with PoisonIvy
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I recently left my ADHD husband of twenty years. We have a young teenage daughter together. As PI mentioned, my ex too does better without the expectations of a partner and child on him. He can live as he likes.
Leaving has also been very positive for me. The constant anxiety and hypervigilance dissapated almost immediately. We get along better now than when we were married (because I'm not relying on him for anything). Our child is no longer seeing a totally dysfunctional marriage as an example. And his relationship with our daughter has improved because now he actually appreciates seeing her (and it's more of a novelty, which makes his ADHD brain engage more).
I get the guilt you are feeling that your spouse might not do well without you. That may or may not be true, but these aren't your disorders and only he can address them. Maybe he will when he's forced to face them.
If it helps, my daughter has flourished. There is so much less stress in the household without her dad. She doesn't even miss him because he barely acknowledged her anyway. I would call the impact on her positive.
P.S. my husband refused to go too. So I finally had had enough and went apartment shopping. I came home with a lease in-hand to sign. When he saw that I was truly leaving, he agreed to go so that our daughter wouldn't be disrupted. I appreciated that. I was fully prepared to sign that lease though, but it was certainly better that he left for our child and so I could ready the house (quite ravaged by ADHD as you can imagine) for sale.
Good luck. I understand. Biggest of hugs.
Thanks for the replies and
Submitted by b-lo on
Thanks for the replies and encouragement. I've been looking at townhouses to move to and have found a few things that are walking distance from our house.
And yes, @1Melody1 - I know what you mean by an ADHD house! I got a skip last week and threw out a whole lot of rubbish from when we renovated 6 years ago, that had been kept "just in case". 'm currently sorting through 14 boxes of miscellaneous crap and old papers. Six down, eight to go. I'm not throwing out anything of his - but I am putting aside all of things that I think could go so he can go through them with a professional and decide what to keep and what to get rid of.
And then there are all the little house maintenance things that he has always said he'll do but haven't happened. So I''m slowly doing those too, and booking people for some of the others (he has never been willing to pay people to do things that he could do).
We'll get there. As for the earlier comment, he has been getting treatment and is currently having intensive treatment in hospital. I have stayed for 10 years for exactly the reasons you describe - because it's not his fault and I should give him a chance to get better. But, at some stage, I also need to look after myself and my son.