I am the Non ADHD spouse and am currently so confused on this rollercoaster with my ADHD husband. We are both Christ followers and truly that is what is saving me from leaving this marriage at the moment. I am hoping someone will have some words for me that will give me comfort that what I am experiencing is normal for ADHD brains. My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years with him recently diagnosed and taking meds. We just found out he has been severely under medicated and they have doubled his dose. I am happy about that and he has been struggling and feeling his brain out of control so wants to get the help. The roller coaster I am on is this. I suffer from PTSD/OCD/GAD. My husband has ADHD/GAD. Together we trigger eachother constantly. Before knowing about his ADHD and at the beginning of our marriage I would say horrible things to him when upset. He would take them until he didnt and then kick down a door, get in my face once and that was it. He and I have been rocky ever since and he has never forgiven me for those words. Since then mind you he has said HORRIBLE things to me. According to him he has said those things and acted that way due to me provoking him. He says he has been the one abused for the last 1.5 years verbally by me and that I have deep deep issues. Now I have been verbal yes and they are due to the dynamic and everything on this site and in the book from Melissa. I would say that the last 6 months I have been fully invested in and focused on understanding ADHD better, holding my tounge, walking with Christ and being the Wife God has called me. I have messed up a few times on this journey and when we fight and he has his outbursts, turns my words around, confuses me, speaks to me with such coldness and hardness, then I have messed up and said those mean things again. The problem is if he says things to me like "Your crazy, You know what happened today... You happened, I am right and the voice of reason not you",, etc. These are all things he says and later apologizes for and I am supposed to brush off. However he cannot forgive a thing I have said in the past or when I am provoked. The rule doesnt apply. Now I have been married prior to an ADHD/Narcassist. It was horrific. I see some similarities with my current husband having these gaslighting tendencies, new rules for him not me. My question is this. Last week he was all about healing himself, attentive, loving, kind. He leaned in and confessed his insecurities and was accountable when he flipped out . This week he poked a fight with me, talked over me, covered his ears as I talked and completely assumed I felt a way without checking in. Once he starts attacking me and I start defending myself and telling him what I really said he will say "No your wrong, I am right, you dont see what your doing, here you go again" then he plugs his ears and runs away. Since then he hasnt been accountable at all for gaslighting me. I have called him out on it We are on business only speaking terms until counseling for both of us. Luckily his meds are changed and he set up his own counseling for himself. he ignores me, walks away from me when talking, plugs his ears when I try and give my feelings, it angers me. I think I am dealing with a Narcassist although he has been told he is ADHD/GAD. Literally he says he is the victim and I have been abusing him for 2 years and takes no accountability for his actions. When I tell him how I feel he says ME TO!! I have nothing to myself anymore or being heard etc. I finally lost my cool this morning. I tried telling him the things he has said to me and he plugs his ears and says "Your the one, its you, i have endured this for 2 years. Look at you , look at how your acting". He coward under his blankets as I flipped out losing my ever loving mind. I have been trying for sooooooooooooo long. I want to do this Gods way. I have held my tongue, apologized a million times, delt with the neglect and finally I cracked. Now I have finally lost it, look like a crazy person and made him the victim. The entire time i flipped out he looked pleased and was quiet. Almost like he enjoyed it. I am leaving for a week just to escape him. We have counseling set up. His meds are being adjusted and increased. I have my appointment set up for meds. I have very little hope. I have been in a narcassistic marriage and suffer greatly from narcassistic abuse. How can he take accountability one week and then the next act like the victim and its all me? He says I am crazy making, but HE IS THE ONE. How do I stay in a relationship where I always have to be wrong and I cant have normal reasonable workable conversations? Thanks for letting me vent. I am at a loss.
ADHD & Accountability
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on 01/28/2022.
Battle
Submitted by ADD times two w... on
My sister in Christ.
I'll address this to you personally because it sounds like you are asking for help.
Our husbands aren't perfect. They are going to let us down. A lot. At least mine does. What I had two do was what the good Lord called me to do and that was to submit to my husband. Oh goodness there is that dirty word! Might get banned for saying it. Likely you rolled your eyes when you read it. I get it. So do/did I.
I have been taught what that means by the world. The world tells me I'm giving up something by doing this and therefore it is bad. I'm supposed to make him work to do whatever I expected him to do. We serve a God who says otherwise.
What do I define submission as? A choice. A conscious choice I make to save my marriage. It's a choice to put my husband above me. It's a choice I make to see my actions and not his in the breakdown of my marriage and stopping those behaviors because I don't want to hurt him anymore.
I choose to treat him like I did before we got married. Regardless if he does the same and no expectations that he will. I do as much as I can to make him feel loved and respected. I fail sometimes but that doesn't change my ultimate goal when he fails at it too. I'm not perfect. None of us are.
It's time to go to battle and get your marriage back. I choked in my pride. Like I physically feel it come up my throat. But when I looked at all the things in my marriage, I was guilty of doing or not doing the same things he did. On a consistent basis, like I wanted him to do for me. Him not doing it etc, didn't take away my part.
I do none of this by my own strength. I couldn't. I wanted to leave my marriage. I was done.
You are right, having a relationship to God IS what is holding you both together. Lean into that. For yourself. And for him. I wrote out a prayer to God asking Him to make me a Godly wife. To make me over in His imagine so that I could be a better wife. I put this prayer on my desk. Sometimes I would pray it when things were good and he was wonderful because I wanted more of that and it was easy. When we fought, it was in my face calling me out on what I said I was going to do. I still fail, but it makes me accountable so I don't lose my focus which is always to save my marriage.
Thankyou
Submitted by C-love (not verified) on
Thankyou for this. I'm on my breaking point as I think I'm dealing with more than just the ADHD. I have had the last six months be exactly what you are describing above. I have tried and tried and tried and of course I have failed. I can't be in a relationship where I am constantly Blameshifted, Cut off and ears plugged when I try and explain my feelings or how he has taken something differently, and being blamed as the abuser. He has verbally abuse me just as much as I have him and he is putting all blame on me. I am dealing with narcissistic trauma abuse from my past and in severe counseling from it. Mentally and I'm talking mentally from my side, being in relationship with him is extremely painful. Constant brushing aside my feelings, making me the bad guy and him the victim, twisting stories and stealing my voice, I just don't know if God wants me in a relationship like that. I spent most of my day yesterday in tears and in prayer. I've gone completely silent on him. I'm not even sure I feel in love anymore with him. I escaped to come over to my mothers and he sent me this long email about his feelings and then asked that I show it to his counselor to see what she would think. I think he cares more about how he looks to others, being right, making me the bad guy and not owning his side of the abuse. I haven't felt loved in so long that the guy fell in love with was the hyper focused love bombing guy at the beginning of our relationship. The one that exists is the one that hurts me on an ongoing basis . I am on such a high alert with being falsely accused and not allowed to explain how I really feel, being told who I am without being inquired about, Empty apologies with no action steps. I'm just so so empty. I know God doesn't honor divorce, but this isn't my first marriage and I'm afraid I made it a horrible mistake. I have already been married to someone with ADHD and narcissism. It has completely ruined my life it has been the biggest part of my current counseling. Now I'm back in another relationship with someone who acts very much like a narcissist and who has ADHD and who calls himself someone who loves the Lord and follows him but just likes to preach what he knows instead of really doing and acting. I'm going to read what you said a couple of times because I did pray for God to speak to me and maybe this is him doing it. My heart is just so closed I'm so far removed from wanting this marriage at all. Thank you for your post
"being told who I am without
Submitted by MATTHD on
"being told who I am without being inquired about, Empty apologies with no action steps." " I think he cares more about how he looks to others, being right, making me the bad guy and not owning his side of the abuse"
that about sums it up right there. Who ever would have thought that this is ADHD? one assumes it's simply being a little jumpy and not paying attention in class....(or at least I did). My wife (with ADHD) is the one that pulled the plug. I'm stubborn and love her to death but I have legit PTSD from being interrupted so many times -- Im finally remembering what it is to be calm after a few months without her. It's a pernicious thing.
Times Two...Priceless!
Submitted by c ur self on
If there is a way (in your marriage, and my own) to experience a God honoring life as one flesh....You've out lined it....God's words to us husbands, and wives, is the only way we receive his blessings...Not his mercy, but, his blessings....I hope your husband is thankful....I hope he hear's Jesus, and submits his self as the gospel calls us to do...(understanding way, love our wives as we love ourselves, and give ourselves for them, the power of our bodies etc...)....
Submission is a word we can't be Christ's followers and be negative about....I am called to submit to those who are over me in the Lord, and submit my body to my wife...Even though my wife is to submit in all things, that only makes be aware of my huge responsibilities in life to her and our family....I am created in the image of God, I am his Son....She is my life long help meet...She is to receive all God has for her as a wife.....
Thank you for this truth...
c