Hey all, my husband has hypomanic episodes a few times a month. He comes home after having a few drinks and then chats my ear off all night. Not listening to me, interrupting, and saying things that he doesn't mean (I hope). This is really stressful for me as in the past, these episodes usually result in arguments because of the way he is acting. I have CPTSD and have been doing EMDR for almost a year. This situation has been a really big trigger for me as he has abused alcohol in the past and the episodes were way worse. I have been considering just going to my room for the evening and not interacting with him. He has untreated ADHD and he uses alcohol to help him focus when he has projects he is working on and needs to make decisions. I feel like this makes the hypomania worse. He refuses to seek treatment for his ADHD. I would appreciate any input on this situation. Thanks! Becky
Boundaries for hypomanic episodes
Submitted by Becky111 on 03/05/2022.
Hi Becky,
Submitted by GD on
Hi Becky,
While you have some complex problems here, I can only speak to the ADHD and alcohol. It's been my experience that alcohol does not help with focus but rather the contrary. I believe that if you remove alcohol from the equation (if he's willing), those manic episodes will stop and he may get a better understanding of what he needs to do to get the rest of his life organized. It's a big ask but, I think you know that it needs to be done. He needs to understand that the most important thing in your lives is a good, strong relationship and that starts with good, stable communication.
Best of luck!
Thank you for your reply!
Submitted by Becky111 on
Thank you for your reply! Although his drinking has gotten much better, he is unwilling to give it up as he owns part of a bar and it is part of his identity. he truly believes it helps him focus, talk to people, and get stuff done. He is very stubborn and doesn't like to be told what to do. He feels that this is just him and that I need to learn to deal with it. It has been very frustrating. I feel like I am talking to a brick wall.
I get the "brick wall" part,
Submitted by GD on
I get the "brick wall" part, that's probably the ADHD. Believe me, I was guilty of that myself. It's not due to lack of interest or not caring (in my case, anyway), it's just that my brain took me to different places in mid conversation. So now my wife knows to keep it brief, no distractions (TV off), have me mirror back what she is saying, to know that I understand, and make sure I have a grasp of the conversation. To anyone without ADHD, we can come off as aloof and disinterested and that's never the case.
And maybe he's only getting a sense of "being told what to do", when in all actuality, you're trying to help him. I was there once, I understand that. He has to know that when you speak to him it comes from a good place and not something detrimental. And it should always be done when you're one on one so he doesn't feel like he's being scolded or embarrassed.
I'm just going to step outside my comfort zone and say that, being an part owner of a bar, does not justify the drinking. Alcohol, in my experience, only exacerbates ADHD, it doesn't help with it.
Thank you it really helps to
Submitted by Becky111 on
Thank you it really helps to have your perspective!
It's important for us ADHD folks..
Submitted by FinallyCrushing... on
I've found it pretty common for us ADHD folks to really not like feeing like we're being told what to do.
If it came from the perspective of trying to better your interactions as a couple maybe he could seek treatment. Since I started medication things have gotten so much better, but it took both me and my wife having actual buy in of my condition and that was YEARS in the making.
For me, I'm so good on meds and have gotten better off meds because of the learning strategies while on them. I will say that I still do drink, but alcohol drowns out the meds. So much so, in fact, that if I'm going to be drinking in the evening I sometimes don't even bother taking my afternoon dose.
Best of luck to you. The most important thing will be for him to admit that he wants to make your interactions better. I hope that helps him see the light that it might be a good idea to have a consult about ADHD.
Again, best of luck!!!
Yes you need boundaries....
Submitted by c ur self on
Boundaries that we set on ourselves always work...(unless WE back slide)...No one I know would want to endure a partly intoxicated spouse (add or not) going on and on about their thoughts in a self absorbed monologue... (not listening, no back and forth conversation)....
I suggest you catch him in calm moment, set him down, and let him know his actions aren't good for you...So to please not approach you like that, and in that condition, etc....(This gives him the opportunity to consider his actions, and change....But, I would also add, that if you continue with this type behavior now that I have asked you not to, I will remove myself from you presence, period!....And once you set this boundary, make sure you are as good as your word....If your not going to do it, don't set it....Many people will attempt to run over you (disrespect you) if you allow it....Self absorbed minds may not be intentionally disrespecting you, because they can be somewhat blind to their own behavior....You have to force accountability with boundaries...Self discipline is very difficult for many with fast minds...Many learn similar to children....The action of tough love....
c
Boundaries!! So hard for me
Submitted by Becky111 on
Boundaries!! So hard for me yet so essential. Thank you for your words of wisdom. I will be working on this :)
My husband does this all the time
Submitted by Dagmar on
I don't know where you are otherwise in your relationship, but when my husband does this all the time, I smile and say "I love you, but this is too much for me right now. I'll talk to you in the morning." Then when he excitedly ignores me or wants to tell me one more thing I say "yeah, no, I'm not in the same headspace as you," and smile. Then when he tries AGAIN, because he will, I make the same pained smile at him and say "no."
The first few times it went on much longer, with him trying to prove he had something interesting to share with me and me insisting I don't want to hear it. At the end of those times, when he would say "see? Aren't you glad I told you?" I would smile and say "No, I'm really not on the same plane as you right now and I don't want to talk."
The secret is in the smile. Make sure you look like he is hurting you intensely but you are trying to be nice. Like you're in customer service and someone is insulting you but you have to be nice.
I LOVE this idea, especially
Submitted by Becky111 on
I LOVE this idea, especially the pained smile :). Made me laugh out loud. Thank you!
Excellent Dagmar
Submitted by c ur self on
Staying in control of us (our own emotions)...Is key!...No one can live peacefully in a monogamous marriage relationship with the mind type being discussed here, without being able to do what you have stated here....We will be pressed...Some times daily or more, if we expect it, show love, but also quietly insist on mutual respect, by what we allow ourselves to engage in, the relationship wins...That may mean calm no thank you's, or it might mean peacefully walking away once we have said our no thank you's etc...And it definitely means listening at times to things we have zero interest in....Minimal back and forth and emotional self control is the best way to avoid conflict, and dysfunction in my marriage...It's a boundary and a life style....<3
c