Submitted by schiavabad on 04/05/2022.
I have upset my wife for what seems to be the umpteenth time. She came out to speak to me and I was playing a game on my phone. I realized too late that I wasn't paying attention, but by then all hell had broken loose. I made the mistake of trying to tell her that she needed to tell me when I was distracted, but I did so out of frustration and this only made things worse. Now she's bringing up all the ways I've wronged her in the past and I don't know how to get us to move forward. I am so in love with my wife but I don't know how to just translate this love into an actionable plan to move us forward.
Both sound wrong to a degree....
Submitted by c ur self on
My wife is a highly distracted (ADD mind)...Her desires in life aren't much different than some of my own...Phone games...She is a Pokemon player...I am a fantasy sports player...The difference is the priority it holds in our lives....She has no ability to (or in some cases no desire) manage it....It dominates her....I can put it in quiet times, when my responsibilities in life and to her doesn't have to find the back burner....I don't know how your mind works...But I do know it creates a big strain on a spouse when they feel alone, unheard, and unappreciated by someone who want, or can't manage their priorities in life....
Most of the time it's the lack of truthful communication being shared....Many add minds are capable of good things (good friends, good workers, etc..etc..) but they aren't very good at marriage attentiveness...Unless it's something they want from their spouse driving their attention...(say sex, or food etc)....
I suggest you be truthful with yourself, so you can be truthful with your wife....I'm not blaming it all on you by no means....But if you step back and be the fly on the wall...Take a long look at your life, and just what it must be like for her at times...It takes humbling ourselves and admitting things we may not want to even recognize must less calmly admit....Your wife might love to hear her husband own his behaviors, calmly admit what is difficult for him, that he knows he should do better at...(Never TELL her you are going to change, and then walk away and forget everything you promised) Be honest and truthful...She already knows it all anyway...But it means loads when you are man enough to calmly puke it up without excuse....Having add is no sin, you didn't ask for it...It's using it as an excuse, for not prioritizing your responsibilities that makes a spouse (who loves you) want to pack up and put you in the rear view mirror....
Oh and by the way, never tell her it's her responsibility to mother a grown man...She's your wife, the person you should love, and appreciate, she's not your mother, she's not your slave....
c
from a wife of ADHD
Submitted by MelWifeOfADHD on
out of (my) interest... did you read the notice board as support for the person who HAS ADHD? or support for the partner of someone with ADHD?
As a wife of someone with ADHD, it is really hard to move forward... my husb comes across like we should just forget everything he has done. I'd probably be happy to do this, except he repeats the same issues time and again.
I often try to quell issues when they happen as i feel i'd be there all day.... and ideally, i want to not have my day ruined. It means, I sit on a lot. But eventually, there will be a straw that breaks the camel's back. Perhaps you saying 'tell me when i'm distracted' was the straw for your wife?
Maybe you say things you dont mean, due to your impulsivity? It would help for you to own up to this, and not dig yourself in deeper. It goes a long way to say what you literally mean/ intend to say.
Often, I try to turn distraction into humour with my husb.... and this can work well.... i notice when he has become 'somewhere else' when i'm talking. I call him out on it these days and laugh, rather than getting offended. If it is important, i'll text him.
The phone thing IS annoying... probably because it is generally accepted as 'rude' or bad manners. My husb is always on twitter. I wont even bother to try to talk to him then because i'll be ignored, or shouted at. So i accommodate that. I really hate it when he does it in public though, so i've started saying loudly 'what are you looking at' everytime he starts it (say at a dinner out, etc) because it seems to jog him out of it.
To move forward i'm sure therapy would be supportive. Or anything that makes you look like an adult making an effort in your marriage. And consistency is key. Perhaps you need to set a reminder on your phone/ calendar. Is there at least one thing you can do that she would like? To remind her of who you are at the core?
My husband cooks me breakfast every weekend. It is such a small thing, but he's been able to be consistent, without reminders. Its something that each week reminds me, ok, he does love me- i'm not just here to parent and serve and adapt myself into his world.