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Hi Jess - I am so sorry to read what you've been through to get to this point. I know it is really hard to hear, but you can only do so much and the rest is up to your wife. If she has decided she is done or wants to explore a new relationship, there is little you can do about it except to focus on working on yourself (as you are). Then you'll be in a better place regardless of whether or not your wife becomes open to discussing things further. I have to say she sounds pretty decided given you have submitted divorce papers. You could become the most incredible spouse on planet earth and that may not change her mind.
In my own experience being married to an ADHD man for 20 years, it took me many years of teetering between ''should I stay or should I go?'' to decide I needed to leave for my own wellbeing. It was a really painful decision. Because of that though, once I had decided to go, the switch had been flipped and there was no flipping it back. Even if he had been dedicated to treatment (which he wasn't in my case), I wouldn't have been mentally or emotionally able to do the work on my end to be supportive and try again. It had been too many years of burning myself out. I am not saying your wife is where I was, but she may be. Hypothetically, if I were amenable to giving it another try with my ex-husband, I would need to see my ex-husband working really hard on his own to manage ADHD. I would have to believe things would be vastly different based on long-term sustained actions.
I really wish you the best no matter how things work out. You are doing the right thing by working on yourself - that's for sure! You'll be a better you for you and for any partner.
Our situations are different in that I realized ten years (into a 20 year marriage) he had ADHD and I tried desperately to get him to see that ADHD symptoms were at the root of so many of our issues. He couldn't see it or didn't want to. He got evaluated very close to the end of the marriage and generally rejected treatment (took meds only to stay awake longer) and changed zero behaviours. I knew it was ADHD and could empathize and maybe take things less personally over the years, but that didn't negate the bad things that happened. Mistreatment or mere neglect still hurts and accumulates even with an explanation. And in my case, once we knew about the ADHD, I couldn't understand why he would rather lose me that address it. But that's me, and your situation is different because your wife has no idea that ADHD has been making life so very hard for you both.
But what might be similar: For me, the flipping the switch was exceptionally hard to get to. I spent years trying anything to save the marriage. After years of trying to get him to see me and be a real partner, I was out of ideas and energy, felt completely unloved and ultimately had to leave for my own health. I don't know how your wife feels, but I was exhausted from doing most of the planning, housework and parenting, all while my husband did whatever he pleased and didn't seem to want to spend time with me. In addition, he wouldn't be intimate with me because he was addicted to pornography. We couldn't hold a conversation because of the listening/retaining issues. There was nothing left in it for me. I worked tirelessly to get back what we had in the early years only to accept after years of pushing that it was never coming back. I felt like I was pushing for something he didn't want. As long as there was inaction and more of the same from him, his (in)actions were screaming at me that our marriage wasn't worth changing for.
I'm your case, you are actively treating the issues, beating addictions and getting help. It MAY help her to understand ADHD's impact on relationships, but like me, she may also not have another round in her. I couldn't have mustered the strength and understanding needed if he did an about-face when I finally asked for the divorce. It's possible she's been trying for years. She may have had a ton of fight and optimism when you first started having problems. That's what YOU have now. But she is x years past that and perhaps just too far gone. But I don't know her or what you two have been through. It's also possible she's found someone new as you described and would leave regardless. That may have happened no matter what. You can only deal with what's in your control.
I don't think you have anything to lose by telling her about ADHD. It's a lot to take in at first, but she might hear you.
All that would have helped me stay was action in time. You have the action based on what you describe. That's the same thing that would have given me hope. Getting help on his own, taking on the duties that had fallen through the cracks and showing me I was worth fighting for. In time. But once I'd 100% decided to go, I couldn't dare to hope again. It was too painful to put myself through again.
Again, that's just me. I have a longer marriage and we also have a child that was crushed by his symptoms.
I really think you can just be your best self, be clear that you still want it to work and show her all you're doing to improve. And if she's open, you can talk about ADHD. Then it's kind of in her court. :(
I understand how you must feel right now. I think Melissa has some articles about your exact situation if you dig through the archives. No doubt she'd have better advice than I do too. ♥️
Congrats. Really. At least you finally acknowledge how the Adhd can destroy a marriage and its components. In my case I am the one with NO ADHD. I lost count of how many books and articles I have read about the condition, I know a marriage with one with Adhd is a marriage with 3 persons and unless it is being treated there is nothing you can do. After 13 years in a relationship and 4 married, I am about to say I am done. My husband started using something for the adhd after I told him if he does not seek treatment I was gone. That lasted 4 months. Best months of our relationship. He decided to not use the medications anymore since they gave them headaches. I begged him to look for other options. My life is living hell since he says he is totally ok and I am the one now with the issues. That's why I congratulate you. You are clear and I hope you can stay clear on that. I guess that's your real opportunity of saving your marriage. But you have to stay focused on that and keep that commitment. Blessings
Congrats. Really. At least you finally acknowledge how the Adhd can destroy a marriage and its components. In my case I am the one with NO ADHD. I lost count of how many books and articles I have read about the condition, I know a marriage with one with Adhd is a marriage with 3 persons and unless it is being treated there is nothing you can do. After 13 years in a relationship and 4 married, I am about to say I am done. My husband started using something for the adhd after I told him if he does not seek treatment I was gone. That lasted 4 months. Best months of our relationship. He decided to not use the medications anymore since they gave them headaches. I begged him to look for other options. My life is living hell since he says he is totally ok and I am the one now with the issues. That's why I congratulate you. You are clear and I hope you can stay clear on that. I guess that's your real opportunity of saving your marriage. But you have to stay focused on that and keep that commitment. Blessings
It makes me really sad but also happy that you finally decided to get help. I also hope your wife knows about this and reconsider, but this is not something easy, and the only way to have an opportunity is to be consistent to your promises and keep in the right path. Only time doing that can help her see your commitment.
On my side, sadly, my marriage is over and I decided it today. After the worst fight of our life I realized that my husband does not belief he needs help and if he do something us just to calm me for days or maybe weeks. We have been together for 13 yrs, last 4 married, and God knows how much I have tolerated. I don't expect a miracle. I WAS EXPECTING THAT UNTIL THIS MORNING that I saw my psychologist, yes I am the one seeking treatment to deal with him, and he told me run away now. I arrived home and had another difficult conversation with someone that was obviously not hearing what I was saying and never consider me in all decisions. Finally I think my mask at last fell down and I saw the reality. There is no way back for us.
But remember this is my case, you are getting help. PLEASE DONT STOP AND STAY IN TREATMENT UNTIL YOUR FINAL DAY ON EARTH. Having adhd is not a sin, is a condition that needs to be treated, as diabetes etc. If you don't get treatment there comes problems, as with every health issue.
I will pray for you and your relationship. Please pray for me. Blessings.
I am SO sorry to hear it! I can't imagine the pain and heart-wrenching struggle that brought you to that place. My heart goes out to you, stranger.
I will pray for you. Thank you for your prayers, too. <3
I've let depression, addiction and insufficiently-treated ADHD take FAR too much from me and those I most love. I can't predict the future, but I vow to get these things managed to the best of my ability, come Hell or high water. Will I be in therapy till the day I die? I really hope not, but I will be if that's what it takes. NO MORE.
The reason you wife is leaving is because she know's some things....When a life is not lived from a self absorbed state of being....You will not have chore wars...You don't have war's at all for the most part...She also know's, while admirable from your mind's view...That you can read all the books in the world and it has no power to effect change in your self love...You view life as a competition to gain the advantage for selfish pleasures in life....That's what cause's the fusses and wars....She is your enemy to use up...She has come to understand you can't calmly wake up, and be this consistent responsible giver....It's not in your nature....Your post identified how needy you are for pat's on the back (like a child) while she is carrying the load, (that you are blind to) with no appreciation coming from her self entertaining husband....
Which among you clean's and cooks daily without being asked??
Which among you can spend hours locked onto computer or Iphone games w/o a thought about what isn't getting done??
Which among you does the massages and back rubs at night while the other falls peacefully a sleep??
Which among you leaves messes and unfinished projects laying around because there isn't any time, or because clutter and junk just makes you comfortable??
Which among you has tried to start numerous calm conversations over the years about the realities of priorities, choices, and responsibilities in marriage, and which of among you never has time to hear, change, and do the God given work in these matters??
Who among you can make a plan and stick to it?? Who among you wants to make quick decision's, and gets angry if they can't sell it, or force it on the other??
I wish you well, the best thing we can do in life is be honest with ourselves...We can find peace, and even begin to change when we really OWN, who we are...(Put the focus on ourselves, instead of our spouses) We don't have to like it....This world has many many people who's mindsets about life (their living of life) isn't conducive to daily sharing in life with a spouse....It takes two consistent givers....One user wrecks it....Healthy living in a marriage setting can feel mundane and boring to a thrill seeking adventurer...And that will never change as long as we make a case (excuse it) for being that way!
Really sorry to hear this! So in my case I have had ADHD all of my life and my parents tried everything to help but nothing worked. In my case it's a little different as I am severely ADHD and a woman. Age 36 I'm now struggling with my 2nd marriage and a mother of 5, youngest is 17 months old 6/11. Although my ex has custody of my 3 older Girls and my other son is with God I've had my ups and downs through life. My current husband and I are going through so many issues, some of which he has an issue with me being on Adderall but it helps me a lot. We fight constantly and he sees subliminal messages written everywhere on things and says that I'm cheating destroying stuff and deceiving and lying which are all untrue and I'm about where you are only trying to save our marriage not destroy it further. I pray things get better for all of us struggling with this disorder and having high anxiety and depression after almost dying February 2021 after giving birth to our son and then all of this definitely is a weight I don't know how much more I can bare. My family is amazing in supporting me as they have all my life but my husband has no friends and no family which is very hard for him. Praying for all of us to find our happiness and find love and peace during these stressful situations in life. I reached out to Melissa directly because she does marriage counseling and has been through these situations as well. Thought maybe to reach out to her
You can only control yourself
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Hi Jess - I am so sorry to read what you've been through to get to this point. I know it is really hard to hear, but you can only do so much and the rest is up to your wife. If she has decided she is done or wants to explore a new relationship, there is little you can do about it except to focus on working on yourself (as you are). Then you'll be in a better place regardless of whether or not your wife becomes open to discussing things further. I have to say she sounds pretty decided given you have submitted divorce papers. You could become the most incredible spouse on planet earth and that may not change her mind.
In my own experience being married to an ADHD man for 20 years, it took me many years of teetering between ''should I stay or should I go?'' to decide I needed to leave for my own wellbeing. It was a really painful decision. Because of that though, once I had decided to go, the switch had been flipped and there was no flipping it back. Even if he had been dedicated to treatment (which he wasn't in my case), I wouldn't have been mentally or emotionally able to do the work on my end to be supportive and try again. It had been too many years of burning myself out. I am not saying your wife is where I was, but she may be. Hypothetically, if I were amenable to giving it another try with my ex-husband, I would need to see my ex-husband working really hard on his own to manage ADHD. I would have to believe things would be vastly different based on long-term sustained actions.
I really wish you the best no matter how things work out. You are doing the right thing by working on yourself - that's for sure! You'll be a better you for you and for any partner.
Thank you! Follow-up questions.
Submitted by jvriesem (not verified) on
Thank you so much!
(this post taken down at the poster's request)
Answers... some, anyway!
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Our situations are different in that I realized ten years (into a 20 year marriage) he had ADHD and I tried desperately to get him to see that ADHD symptoms were at the root of so many of our issues. He couldn't see it or didn't want to. He got evaluated very close to the end of the marriage and generally rejected treatment (took meds only to stay awake longer) and changed zero behaviours. I knew it was ADHD and could empathize and maybe take things less personally over the years, but that didn't negate the bad things that happened. Mistreatment or mere neglect still hurts and accumulates even with an explanation. And in my case, once we knew about the ADHD, I couldn't understand why he would rather lose me that address it. But that's me, and your situation is different because your wife has no idea that ADHD has been making life so very hard for you both.
But what might be similar: For me, the flipping the switch was exceptionally hard to get to. I spent years trying anything to save the marriage. After years of trying to get him to see me and be a real partner, I was out of ideas and energy, felt completely unloved and ultimately had to leave for my own health. I don't know how your wife feels, but I was exhausted from doing most of the planning, housework and parenting, all while my husband did whatever he pleased and didn't seem to want to spend time with me. In addition, he wouldn't be intimate with me because he was addicted to pornography. We couldn't hold a conversation because of the listening/retaining issues. There was nothing left in it for me. I worked tirelessly to get back what we had in the early years only to accept after years of pushing that it was never coming back. I felt like I was pushing for something he didn't want. As long as there was inaction and more of the same from him, his (in)actions were screaming at me that our marriage wasn't worth changing for.
I'm your case, you are actively treating the issues, beating addictions and getting help. It MAY help her to understand ADHD's impact on relationships, but like me, she may also not have another round in her. I couldn't have mustered the strength and understanding needed if he did an about-face when I finally asked for the divorce. It's possible she's been trying for years. She may have had a ton of fight and optimism when you first started having problems. That's what YOU have now. But she is x years past that and perhaps just too far gone. But I don't know her or what you two have been through. It's also possible she's found someone new as you described and would leave regardless. That may have happened no matter what. You can only deal with what's in your control.
I don't think you have anything to lose by telling her about ADHD. It's a lot to take in at first, but she might hear you.
All that would have helped me stay was action in time. You have the action based on what you describe. That's the same thing that would have given me hope. Getting help on his own, taking on the duties that had fallen through the cracks and showing me I was worth fighting for. In time. But once I'd 100% decided to go, I couldn't dare to hope again. It was too painful to put myself through again.
Again, that's just me. I have a longer marriage and we also have a child that was crushed by his symptoms.
I really think you can just be your best self, be clear that you still want it to work and show her all you're doing to improve. And if she's open, you can talk about ADHD. Then it's kind of in her court. :(
I understand how you must feel right now. I think Melissa has some articles about your exact situation if you dig through the archives. No doubt she'd have better advice than I do too. ♥️
Hello
Submitted by Ap on
Congrats. Really. At least you finally acknowledge how the Adhd can destroy a marriage and its components. In my case I am the one with NO ADHD. I lost count of how many books and articles I have read about the condition, I know a marriage with one with Adhd is a marriage with 3 persons and unless it is being treated there is nothing you can do. After 13 years in a relationship and 4 married, I am about to say I am done. My husband started using something for the adhd after I told him if he does not seek treatment I was gone. That lasted 4 months. Best months of our relationship. He decided to not use the medications anymore since they gave them headaches. I begged him to look for other options. My life is living hell since he says he is totally ok and I am the one now with the issues. That's why I congratulate you. You are clear and I hope you can stay clear on that. I guess that's your real opportunity of saving your marriage. But you have to stay focused on that and keep that commitment. Blessings
Hello
Submitted by Ap on
Congrats. Really. At least you finally acknowledge how the Adhd can destroy a marriage and its components. In my case I am the one with NO ADHD. I lost count of how many books and articles I have read about the condition, I know a marriage with one with Adhd is a marriage with 3 persons and unless it is being treated there is nothing you can do. After 13 years in a relationship and 4 married, I am about to say I am done. My husband started using something for the adhd after I told him if he does not seek treatment I was gone. That lasted 4 months. Best months of our relationship. He decided to not use the medications anymore since they gave them headaches. I begged him to look for other options. My life is living hell since he says he is totally ok and I am the one now with the issues. That's why I congratulate you. You are clear and I hope you can stay clear on that. I guess that's your real opportunity of saving your marriage. But you have to stay focused on that and keep that commitment. Blessings
Hello!
Submitted by Ap on
It makes me really sad but also happy that you finally decided to get help. I also hope your wife knows about this and reconsider, but this is not something easy, and the only way to have an opportunity is to be consistent to your promises and keep in the right path. Only time doing that can help her see your commitment.
On my side, sadly, my marriage is over and I decided it today. After the worst fight of our life I realized that my husband does not belief he needs help and if he do something us just to calm me for days or maybe weeks. We have been together for 13 yrs, last 4 married, and God knows how much I have tolerated. I don't expect a miracle. I WAS EXPECTING THAT UNTIL THIS MORNING that I saw my psychologist, yes I am the one seeking treatment to deal with him, and he told me run away now. I arrived home and had another difficult conversation with someone that was obviously not hearing what I was saying and never consider me in all decisions. Finally I think my mask at last fell down and I saw the reality. There is no way back for us.
But remember this is my case, you are getting help. PLEASE DONT STOP AND STAY IN TREATMENT UNTIL YOUR FINAL DAY ON EARTH. Having adhd is not a sin, is a condition that needs to be treated, as diabetes etc. If you don't get treatment there comes problems, as with every health issue.
I will pray for you and your relationship. Please pray for me. Blessings.
Will pray
Submitted by JessV (not verified) on
I am SO sorry to hear it! I can't imagine the pain and heart-wrenching struggle that brought you to that place. My heart goes out to you, stranger.
I will pray for you. Thank you for your prayers, too. <3
I've let depression, addiction and insufficiently-treated ADHD take FAR too much from me and those I most love. I can't predict the future, but I vow to get these things managed to the best of my ability, come Hell or high water. Will I be in therapy till the day I die? I really hope not, but I will be if that's what it takes. NO MORE.
JessV
Submitted by c ur self on
The reason you wife is leaving is because she know's some things....When a life is not lived from a self absorbed state of being....You will not have chore wars...You don't have war's at all for the most part...She also know's, while admirable from your mind's view...That you can read all the books in the world and it has no power to effect change in your self love...You view life as a competition to gain the advantage for selfish pleasures in life....That's what cause's the fusses and wars....She is your enemy to use up...She has come to understand you can't calmly wake up, and be this consistent responsible giver....It's not in your nature....Your post identified how needy you are for pat's on the back (like a child) while she is carrying the load, (that you are blind to) with no appreciation coming from her self entertaining husband....
Which among you clean's and cooks daily without being asked??
Which among you can spend hours locked onto computer or Iphone games w/o a thought about what isn't getting done??
Which among you does the massages and back rubs at night while the other falls peacefully a sleep??
Which among you leaves messes and unfinished projects laying around because there isn't any time, or because clutter and junk just makes you comfortable??
Which among you has tried to start numerous calm conversations over the years about the realities of priorities, choices, and responsibilities in marriage, and which of among you never has time to hear, change, and do the God given work in these matters??
Who among you can make a plan and stick to it?? Who among you wants to make quick decision's, and gets angry if they can't sell it, or force it on the other??
I wish you well, the best thing we can do in life is be honest with ourselves...We can find peace, and even begin to change when we really OWN, who we are...(Put the focus on ourselves, instead of our spouses) We don't have to like it....This world has many many people who's mindsets about life (their living of life) isn't conducive to daily sharing in life with a spouse....It takes two consistent givers....One user wrecks it....Healthy living in a marriage setting can feel mundane and boring to a thrill seeking adventurer...And that will never change as long as we make a case (excuse it) for being that way!
c
Somebody figured out who I
Submitted by JessV (not verified) on
this post has been deleted at the author's request
Its a daily struggle having ADHD, anxiety disorder, depression
Submitted by JacobandRebecca2020 on
Really sorry to hear this! So in my case I have had ADHD all of my life and my parents tried everything to help but nothing worked. In my case it's a little different as I am severely ADHD and a woman. Age 36 I'm now struggling with my 2nd marriage and a mother of 5, youngest is 17 months old 6/11. Although my ex has custody of my 3 older Girls and my other son is with God I've had my ups and downs through life. My current husband and I are going through so many issues, some of which he has an issue with me being on Adderall but it helps me a lot. We fight constantly and he sees subliminal messages written everywhere on things and says that I'm cheating destroying stuff and deceiving and lying which are all untrue and I'm about where you are only trying to save our marriage not destroy it further. I pray things get better for all of us struggling with this disorder and having high anxiety and depression after almost dying February 2021 after giving birth to our son and then all of this definitely is a weight I don't know how much more I can bare. My family is amazing in supporting me as they have all my life but my husband has no friends and no family which is very hard for him. Praying for all of us to find our happiness and find love and peace during these stressful situations in life. I reached out to Melissa directly because she does marriage counseling and has been through these situations as well. Thought maybe to reach out to her