Hello,
Thanks so much to this community. I don't even know where to begin. I fell in love with my recently adult-diagnosed ADD husband and like many of us had the life-changing, you are my soulmate romance. I call it the Summer of Love. WE got married after 1.5 years and moved into a large home becasue my husband has a lot of equipment and stuff from his former business, and marriage. After being married for four years last January my ADD husband and I went to couples therapy and did some of our individual work too. Unbekmost to me he went off of his medication (adderall), and blamed me for our bills being so high (I accept part of that), but also was so confused because the less I spent, the less he earned. He admits to stopping to care about work becuase he says that it would never be enough. He is self (sole) employed and if he isn't at his desk working then no money comes in. I came into the marriage with some of my own money but I have had to sell stock and went through my cash savings to also pay for bills. Right now he is taking an occasional dose of adderall becuase he doesn't like the side effects but also doesn't want to try other meds or pay the exorbitant price for it. At 61 he has absolutely zero dollars in savings, other than what's in our home, which we each own equally. He has agreed to take the couples group seminar with me in a few weeks. He is in denial about his ADD and how it has affected our financial safety and our marriage. I did speak with a financial advisor and an attorney and they both told me to get out of the marriage asap, because if he has other debt or gets sick or whatever I am on the line for his debts. Have any of you been in a similar position? Did the ADD spouse learn to see their actions and change? I'd love some feedback and support. I will be taking the non-add group seminar, and can't wait for both seminars to get started. We own a truck camper and have a loan on it and he insists on going skiing midweek so that he doesn't have to deal with the crowds. He put in a Starlink for the internet so that he could work but of course, he gets into relaxation mode after skiing. Help, please.
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Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I would say don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Two professionals who know the specifics of your situation have recommended you get out. Having said that, his reaction to the couples seminar will hopefully show you how committed he might be to change. Then, trust what you see and what the voice inside you says. Your financial well-being is critical.
Similar situation
Submitted by Megs27 on
I was in a similar situation in that my ADHD spouse spent $2.50 for every $1 that he made on toys for himself (i.e. boats, motorcycles, fishing rods, skateboards, etc.) or impulse purchases at the gas station (an average of $500 a month--not an exaggeration). I was the stable financial provider whose savings and excellent credit allowed us to purchase homes, go on vacations, and financially provide for our 8-year-old son. Between me and his mom (He is a 48-year-old educated, able-bodied, full-time-employed adult) we were always bailing him out of his financial "surprises" (Which were only a surprise to him; any adult even a normal amount of responsibility would understand that things break and you always need some extra in savings for these situations).
I tried everything. First trying to appeal to him as a partner telling him how his spending habits made me feel used. Then 2 marriage counselors trying to tell him how his behavior is affecting our marriage and future. Then a financial planner telling him that borrowing from his 401k to buy another fishing boat and an Italian motorcycle is not a good idea (and a betrayal given that his wife is begging him not to). Then sending him lots of money articles and Dave Ramsey videos and begging him to do the Financial Peace University program with me. Then offering to manage our family money and give us both an 'allowance' for spending money---he refused at first, but whe he was furloughed during the pandemic this became a forced reality and I took on all the family bills for a year so he could use his unemployment checks to make his debt payments. He complained the entire time about not having "enough money" (not once acknowledging that he would be homeless if it weren't for me holding it all together financially). And when he got a job again he promised that he had learned his lesson, but went back to the same exact patterns. We did the ADHD couples group with Melissa last spring and I learned a lot about how I was contributing to the negativity in the relationship so I made a lot of changes. I gave him clear expectations for what I needed from a financial standpoint and stopped trying to make him do it my way. I tried to be supportive and empathetic understanding how hard it is for him.
How did this work? Well I don't know the entire story because he won't talk about it or admit to anything but somewhere along the way he said something to his retired, cash-strapped mom about him needing money and she started sending him $1k checks each month. I don't know how long this has been going on because he has only shown me 3 months of bank statements. He kept spending on whatever he wanted ($20k in 3 months), racked up a ton of debt on things for himself (lying about it for months--literally going into a defensive rage when I asked how things were going and if I could help), and when confronted acted like it was his right to do these things because he is a "grown man with a full time job".
He was medicated and going to therapy this entire time.
Can an ADHD partner change? Absolutely. Will they change? It depends on how bad they want to, which starts with acknowledging there is a problem. If yours is in denial about his ADHD's effect on your marriage, the odds aren't in your favor. I just kept telling myself 'If he gets how his behavior effects our entire family's future--mine, his and his son's--he will change'. I put so much pressure on myself to try differently and do "the thing" that would finally make him see the light. But the truth is that I cannot make someone else change if they don't want to. My therapist recommended reading 'Women who love too much', and it helped me a lot. I would recommend it for you too.
I filed for divorce last month and evicted mine out of the house. I understand how harsh that sounds but I needed to draw a very clear, impenetrable boundary. Mine will not share his list of debts and assets with me yet (we have a meeting with our respective attorneys in 2 weeks to go over this for each of us and divide the assets), and I am frightened at what I will find and be partially responsible for.
If you have an attorney and financial planner telling you to get out, I would say that's a pretty big signal. If my story sounds like something that could happen in your relationship, here is one more signal. If your spouse is kind, loving and doesn't have the extreme anger that can also go along with ADHD maybe you could divorce him legally, but continue a non-legal-binding relationship where his financial choices do not impact you?
My heart goes out to you. Praying he does see the light after the couple's seminar, and that if he does not that you have the strength to take care of yourself <3
Even though the divorce process is hard and sometimes keeps me up at night with worry, I know I am making the right decision for my son and my future.