I am looking for some advice on how to handle a partner with severe ADHD and RSD.
My partner has regular occasions when he is triggered by something I say which causes his RSD and ADHD to go through the roof. It can be something very normal that I say but sets him off and he gets very angry and ends up stomping off to the bedroom or out of he house for hours at a time. I apologise profusely as I try and help and support him even though in a typical non neuro diverse relationship there would not be a problem. It could be something such as not answering him in a full way or not speaking clearly enough. If a friend or family member said the same thing there would be no problem at all. And often he does the same things to me and I look at the situation and think it feels very hypocritical. I am very sad because it is becoming very regular that he goes off angrily and sends catastrophic messages which are very hurtful and upsetting at times. He always says it's his head that's the problem and not me however it is difficult to cope with and I'm constantly in tears. I want to support him by he can be quite cruel. And if I treated him the same way he would not tolerate it and would go wild.
I need advice on how to deal with his RSD episodes as they are getting more regular and worse. I see him happy around other people and although other people may say things that would normally trigger something if I'd said it, this makes it harder as I do so much on a daily basis to support him. When he is feeling happy he says we have a wonderful relationship and I am the best person he could ever be with but it doesn't feel like we have the best relationship to me. It feels like I am making him unhappy and I worry that we are not that compatible any more. I've read loads about ADHD and RSD and it all fits with the way he acts but it's very hard to cope with the extreme moods. Any advice would be most welcome as I really don't know how to deal with these situations and although I'm always on high alert to avoid triggering him, it would be a relief at times not to be constantly walking on eggshells around him. I do everything round the house and am his carer really which I don't mind but he says very hurtful things and I feel very undervalued and taken for granted. It feels like the hyper focus of our relationship has gone and I'm not shiny any more. I'm just there to do things for him.
Advice on how to deal with ADHD partner with RSD
Submitted by Starlight123 on 03/16/2023.
Most of the change needs to come from him
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
To improve ADHD and/or RSD behaviors, the partner with the condition must accept treatment. Likely both medication and coaching/therapy. Without that, this pattern will repeat and possibly continue to worsen as you've noticed. Real change is on him, unfortunately. Real change means real effort. If he's willing, that's great.
I think the one thing you can do is create boundaries and stand up for yourself (assuming that is safe in your relationship). YOU should not be apologizing when he goes off... HE should be. Instead of apologizing, what if you said that it was unacceptable to speak to you that way and went to a hotel or friend's house for the evening? Let him know you're leaving and turning off your phone until the next day and that you expect an apology. Don't come back until he accepts full responsibility. He mistreats you and not others as you've described because he knows he can. He clearly has enough control not to do this with anyone else. I can't stress enough that if what you're dealing with is escalating abuse or potential abuse, seek a safe way out... don't take the above advice in that case.
One more thing you could look into for yourself are books on codependency. But not as a solution for this dynamic - just as a tool for yourself if it resonates with you. ADHD and RSD are HIS issues to address. If he is comfortable treating you terribly and not seeking treatment, that speaks volumes.
Unfortunately, hyperfocus does not come back. It is an illusion. The person he is now is the real person he is and you must look at this person today and ask if you want this current situation for yourself going forward and if you would have chosen this type of person at the outset if you'd known. Btw, YOU are not making him unhappy. You couldn't do more or care more or be any nicer and have it make a difference. You are clearly such a loving partner to try so hard and care so much. I hope you can turn some of this care towards yourself.
Take my advice with a grain of salt, of course. I'm a stranger on the internet and I finally left my ADHD partner after 20 years. In retrospect, the (mis)treatment I allowed is shocking and looking at it with two years of distance from it makes it more so. I wish I'd left sooner and invested in myself instead. Life is short and you deserve the best!
Stop apologizing and pacifing him
Submitted by adhd32 on
Married 40+ years. Stop making him feel better just so you feel better. AKA:codependency. Walk away. Stick up for your self. Tell him, when things have calmed down, that "if you ever speak to me like that again I will walk out and not respond. You do not get to verbally abuse or denigrate me just because we are married". Keep a bag in the car and go to a hotel overnight if necessary. I have left social events because of my H's behavior toward me in front of others. I just slipped out before he was aware, and didn't respond to his calls or texts. He was aware of his action but never expected that I would just leave. Actions have consequences. Your H has a choice to either work at controlling his impulsive behavior or not, and you have a choice of accepting his abuse or setting boundaries and sticking to them. If he wants to live his life expecting you to accept his abusive behavior toward you and you apologize for expecting respectful behavior you need to set some hard boundaries immediately. You might want to look into therapy for yourself to learn why smoothing things over instead of him making changes is acceptable to you and to figure out how to implement a plan of action for you, not him.
Seconding these comments
Submitted by swampyankee on
Married 20 years to a man with ADHD who denies he has it, but has had terrible, unacceptable outbursts in the past. He has called me terrible names, he has said awful things to me, and he has threatened to leave/divorce me on more than one occasion.
I used to walk on eggshells and bend over backward to try not to make him upset, but nothing ever worked because even though he continually claimed it was all my fault, it turned out it wasn't me. It was him.
Once I figured that out, I was able tp put up much more firm boundaries. He continued this pattern, though, until one day things came to a major head and he realized that if he actually did leave, he wouldn't live with us any more and he'd have a hard time seeing his kids. He finally agreed to marriage therapy.
He still denies he's got ADHD but he has managed to control his anger and his labelling, mostly, I think, because he knows I'll bring up any incidents to our therapist.
I don't actually have much hope that our relationship will survive but, I am no longer walking on eggshells and his outbursts no longer bring me down.
I hope you can get to that point, too.
No advice, just empathy
Submitted by Pelican11 on
Hi Starlight-what you are going through must be so painful, and you must feel so unstable in the relationship- like the rug could get pulled out from under you at any moment. I've been married for 30 years to a partner with ADHD, and while his outbursts aren't as extreme as those you describe, I've lived on eggshells these past 30 years because of that kind of hypersensitivity. The smallest comment, failure to hear something said, a gesture, a perceived slight can result in sulking moody behavior that can last days on end. And, just as with you, he doesn't seem to have issues with anyone but me. What I do know from reading is that ADHD creates a deep sense of personal insecurity, and that someone with ADHD feels especially vulnerable to their partner, and this creates an intense hypersensitivity and tendency to overreact. A deep feeling of inferiority creates a situation where they lie in wait for confirmation from us that they really are 'lesser-than'. So that comment, gesture, moment of inattention, etc. is the confirmation of how inadequate/unimportant they really are. So it is like they are responding NOT to whatever we've said or done, but rather their deeper sense of inadequacy. So we end up living on eggshells, waiting for the next outburst, and they live on an emotional rollercoaster. I used to just let my husband stew. But, we went through a near TWO YEAR period of him withdrawn and stewing and I realized it was either communication or divorce. I opted to try the former, so now whenever he gets reactive, I try to get him to talk about what it is he is feeling, and then try to clarify what it is I said or did or meant. It is WORK, no question, and I find myself wondering at least a dozen times a day what it would be like to be with a non ADHD person, one around whom I didn't have to be so very acutely aware. But, my husband has many redeeming qualities, so I feel worth the effort. I feel like having a partner with ADHD is just a lot of work and working through frustration, so I think you do have to look at redeeming qualities and see if there is a balance. What you are experiencing is of course way more extreme, and I ache for you. Just wanted to share how I cope...
Your comments on sensitivity
Submitted by needingstrength on
Your comments on sensitivity and inferiority, and how a comment that they interpret as an implied "less than" can cause sulking and anger for days is spot on for me. You've put into words what I've been trying to sort out in my brain.
Hi Pelican. Thank you. That
Submitted by Starlight123 on
Hi Pelican. Thank you. That makes a lot of sense and it is down to his sense of feeling inadequate and a failure which he has suffered with for a very long time. It would just be nice to get through a day feeling like it's been fun and enjoyable.
Thank you
Submitted by Starlight123 on
Thank you for all your comments and advice. Things continue to be very difficult and it's almost daily now where he goes out the house for a long time or disappears into the bedroom. I always have to apologise even though he says it's his issues. It's causing me a great deal of anxiety and stress and we can't seem to go a day where he gets aggravated by me somehow. It's soul destroying really. He can be lovely and caring but there is also a side of him that is very intimidating and it's lonely and a sad place to be when he's in his extreme ADHD / RSD moments. Other people are noticing the way he speaks to me and don't like it either. And they are also feeling uncomfortable around him because he has walked out when they are around but only when I've said or done something that triggers him. I do my best to support him but I get told off like a naughty child and am constantly criticised which I never do to him. It's hard thinking that is this what it's going to be like forever.
Emotional Abuse
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
What you are experiencing has a name - emotional abuse. He is blaming you for his aroused feelings, and taking his emotional dysregulation out on you.
I would like to point out that you wrote "I always have to apologize even though he says it's his issues." In fact, apologizing for his issues is something that you are probably doing because his behaviors are causing internal hurt for you and the apologizing calms him down, while also lessening that internal friction for you...but only temporarily. In essence, you are teaching him that if he walks out on you, you will co-regulate and calm him down eventually, and make him feel better about himself as well as 'fix' the internal 'horribles' that you reel right then. NO, DON'T DO THAT!!! This is co-dependent behavior, essentially you are giving him a 'pass' on his terrible behavior with your apologies. While that may seem 'easiest' in the short run, it is completely and totally destructive (for you and for him) in the long run.
There is a much better way, which is to tell him that it's NOT okay for him to 'destroy your soul' with his horrible behavior, and that he must take responsibility for his emotional dysregulation IMMEDIATELY. It is NOT okay for him to continue this way. Full stop.
Luckily, there is a good deal known about ADHD emotional dysregulation and quick triggers. Here's what works: 1.) Medications targeted to emotional regulation, such as anti-depressants and anti-hypertensives. These are regularly used for the management of RSD and can be very effective for many (not all) adults with ADHD; 2.) Trauma therapy - many adults with ADHD need trauma therapy to lessen the quick triggers that move them into the primitive part of the brain to defend or attack. EMDR is one therapy that can be very useful for this. 3.) sleep and exercise improvements - less impactful than the previous two strategies, they can both help. 4.) mindfulness training that allows someone to be more present and able to short-circuit being triggered. This is most useful after other strategies have been put in place.
The two of you are in a state of dysregulated boundaries - it is not YOUR job to apologize for HIS poor emotional responses. I would suggest you consider getting a copy of Boundary Boss and try to work to figure out the ways you will start taking responsibility only for what you are responsible for...and insisting that he take care of what he is responsible for - in this case, some pretty abusive behavior.
Thank you so much Melissa for
Submitted by Starlight123 on
Thank you so much Melissa for your reply. That all completely resonates and makes sense. You are right, saying sorry for things that I shouldn't is calming him down and feels like a process I/we have to go through to help him feel better. I would just love to get through a day without any issues and the only way this happens is when I have time alone when I am not walking on egg shells trying not to do or say something to trigger him. It's the constant criticism which goes alongside lovely comments. It's a rollercoaster. But the lovely comments get really outweighed by the constant telling off, walking off, RSD behaviour. Thank you so much for those strategies and I will definitely have a read of the book you mentioned.