ADHD & Marriage News - May 17, 2023
Quote of the Week
“Do you find yourself making excuses for other people’s less-than-awesome behavior?...this could be fueled by a fear of retaliation. We nullify our own experience…this self-abandoning behavior is not the same as consciously choosing our battles. Telling ourselves lies is a way of avoiding having agency over our lives and our experiences and to minimize conflict or confrontation…
(When we accept lame excuses, don’t require others to take responsibility for their behavior, and don’t assert ourselves, we create) a win-win for perpetuating emotional dysfunction.”
-Terri Cole in Boundary Boss
Abandoning Oneself
A win-win for perpetuating emotional dysfunction.” What a striking phrase!
Finding out about ADHD is such a blessing – finally, a reason for the patterns between you and the issues associated with having undermanaged ADHD! But it’s how you proceed from there that makes all the difference. There is a transition period on the path to more successfully living with ADHD. In that time both partners need to learn all they can and be compassionate about how ADHD symptoms – and responses to symptoms – without encouraging dysfunction.
While ADHD might have been a reason for issues in the past, it cannot be an excuse for issues to continue in the long-term. Yes, it takes time to learn to manage ADHD. But eventually symptomatic behaviors – and responses to those behaviors - need to be managed well enough for both partners to feel satisfied in their choice of partner.
And so, there is this ‘dance.’ Each partner must assert what they need, while also being sensitive to the fact that the work on both sides takes time and effort. We must make intentional choices to forgive, while taking care to not create excuses in order to avoid conflict. And most of all, we MUST find a way to be heard. Abandoning agency, out of fear of retaliation or a negative outcome, will never have a good outcome.
My takeaway is this – being sensitive to your partner’s issues is helpful (in fact, critical!) when navigating your relationship. But make sure to regularly ask yourself “am I ‘selecting my battles’ or am I ‘making the choices simply to avoid conflict?’” If you find the answer is the latter, then consider learning how to be constructively assertive so that you do not end up abandoning yourself.
NEWS and EVENTS:
➤ ADHD and Dating - I talk about dating apps, addiction tendencies, dopamine, cheating and when to tell your date about your ADHD in this Different Brains interview.
Resources For those in relationships impacted by ADHD
SEMINARS, GROUPS:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My highly acclaimed 9-session Zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.
Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.
FREE RESOURCES:
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD;
Downloadable chapters of my books;
A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
A large number of blog posts on various topics;
ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Question? Contact Melissa.
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© 2023 Melissa Orlov
