Hi All! I am wondering if a relationship with an ADHD person can ever be good. I've heard the phrasing "good enough" used a lot. But what does this actually look like? As the non-ADHD partner, the amount of "sacrifice" for my relationship needs feels disproportionate and diminishing. For instance, understanding that my partner is "not intending to ignore me" does not really help me feel less ignored. I want to feel special, thought of, and have a spouse that shows interest in me. I am having trouble seeing this as compatible with an ADHD spouse. What are the success stories? How did you get there? And to what extent have you sacrificed your own needs in the process? (for clarity, there are moments where I feel special, but I need consistency and that is something that also feels too challenging to my partner).
Can this ever be good?
Submitted by richad on 05/17/2023.
Not so good
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Sorry to say, in my case the years of sacrifice have not yet resulted in a good situation. Sacrifices such as letting go of the social life we used to have. Giving up passions, hobbies and travel. Giving up my chosen career. Being blamed by husband's family for our difficulties. Overworking to protect and nourish us. Taking responsibility for it all. I'm unhappy 20 years after we met and 1,5 years into my husband's ADD treatment.
Good enough now, in this rather bleak time, would be a relationship with very low expectations. A minimum of conflict. Acceptance of a heavy load on me. Good enough is not what fulfills my needs, but what I hope to compensate for by fulfilling workdays, good friends, hobbies, yoga, long walks, happy times with the children, and the calm days when my husband and I are reasonably content together and can share simple things. Good enough is what I can manage without losing myself. Good enough is what benefits my children, who need their father present, and their home.
My friends say I have integrity and have always been good at boundaries. This hasn't been enough protection.
I wouldn't recommend a non-ADHD person to start a family with an ADHD person. I'm biased though, my husband has severe ADD. It might be different for somebody else.
At least we were very happy before the children, and we had no idea of the diagnosis then. But to a non-parent disappointed in their relationship with an ADHD partner, my silent scream would be: run.
Dear Richad
Submitted by Elsa on
Can it ever be good enough ? In my experience and it seems in the years I have been here in the forum for most people no , sorry, I am not a negative person at all , in fact my friends all comment on my Pollyanna positivity but those living happy fulfilled relationships with an ADHD spouse seem rare . I had a lovely day with mine 3 months ago , a day when he did not yell, scream abuse , blame me for everything , he was engaged and engaging , that day I saw hope and doubled now my reserve to try and fix everything , stupidly . But that was it one day over three months ago , every day since has been an enormous struggle . His behaviour only gets worse day after day and I get lonelier . My friends are holding me together with sticky tape quite frankly , when I am not trying to fix the endless disasters and chaos to our lives , I am apologising to others for his outbursts and anger and public look at me shows ! Then more recently I am ducking actual objects he is throwing .
I can not get out due to an incredibly difficult financial , practical and family situation , but like Swedish coast said inside I can hear myself silently shouting run and as soon as possible before commitments make it impossible .
I feel like I have sacrificed my life to his condition and trying to help him and our relationship,one he will happily tell you he has but will do zero to treat or modify to help him or me . We are on the most awful of rollercoasters but with the overall projectory of heading ever downwards .
I wish you well with your decisions but please listen to the advice here , most of us struggle for years not knowing what on earth is happening let alone where to get help , finding this resource to late to make some decisions . If you are here early in journey please please consider all your future actions very carefully .
I loved my partner more than anyone ,I do not regret meeting him and falling in love but I massively regret believing him and making decisions about finances , home and job and sadly children ,that have now tied me to a man that with age along without treatment has left me scared and lonely . Please do not make my mistake .
with my very best wishes to you and all out there today struggling with this condition , here's hoping for a good day or least not a bad one !
Will it ever be good?
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I've been with my ADHD fiance for 7 years. We do not live together.
I was 50 when I met him and he was 48. He told me in the beginning about his ADHD. I had no idea what that would mean for our relationship. I had never dated a person with ADHD.
I did not know whether some of his behavior was just annoying or him being selfish. I had ended a 20-year marriage with an abusive man and was looking for red flags. I found myself Googling ADHD and ended up coming to Melissa's website. Here I found a lot of support and answers to some of my questions. I also read her book.
One thing I learned from my previous marriage is the only person I can control is me. I love my fiance but he is responsible for himself. Years before we met he went to a therapist and did cognitive behavioral therapy. He was on medication for a short period of time but did not like the way it made him feel. He is not currently medicated but he does self-medicate for other things like back pain with marijuana. A health scare 5 years into our relationship put him in the hospital and the specialist treating him told him he needed to stop smoking which he has not done he has continued to use it almost everyday for the past 3 years.
I could not tell you what a normal healthy relationship looks like because of what I went through with my ex and observing my parents marriage.
I know He loves me, I love him. He does things for me and shows me he loves me in ways that no one ever has. Perhaps we get along so well because we are at an age where our priorities have shifted. When he was younger he was definitely a thrill seeker and involved in some very risky s***. Without a doubt I would never have dated him if we had met when we were younger. I'm too level-headed and practical.
I can't picture spending my life with anyone else. If I didn't have him I would be alone and be perfectly content.
Because of my past abusive relationship my fiance knows that I won't tolerate it, and he won't put up with it either because he was in an abusive marriage.
So to finally answer your question, Yes I think it can. Of course things could change once we move in together. I'll keep you posted.
Richad, yes there is hope,
Submitted by Non-ADHD-Hubby on
Richad, yes there is hope, The Joy in Marriages section has testimonials about this, including mine which can be read here:
https://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/there-hope-adhd-impacted-relationships
For me, after 3.5 years of
Submitted by CANTGOBACK (not verified) on
For me, after 3.5 years of being with an undiagnosed partner, I'm the non:
I sacrificed way too much. My feelings if physical and emotional safety diminished quickly as I began to experience his horrible driving, coupled with his defensiveness and hostility should I gasp in fear as he ran a red light or missed a stop sign. He made me the Villain, gave no craps about my terror, only wanted me to apologize for attacking him, and for me having an "anger" problem. He couldn't distinguish "Oh SH1T!!!!" gasped in terror from a "YOU PIECE OF SH1T!" and so he got mad every time I was afraid. I should have left, I should have stopped getting in his car but I wanted this to work.
I sacrificed so much time, so much effort taking up the slack so the relarionship could continue. Inattentiveness to the relationship, always justified somehow. Basically, he had a "If you don't like it, if I'm not good enough, leave" attitude and even said so. HOW DID I STAY? That's on me, I can't blame him, it would be dishonest. Leaving isn't easy, but I had to b2 codependent , insecure, in denial to accept th3 low standards h2 had for himself, the entitlement on his part, and I paid the price by being further and further humiliated until I snapped and it all came clear.
And, none of it intentional on his part, I guess. I've spent time trying to decipher ADHD or narcissist, but it doesn't matter because wither way he had no accountability, he blamed our issues on me. He praised my ongoing efforts at personal development though and now I see that it's because it made me a better and better partner , maybe he was waiting for me to improve enough to fix it as he seems to think he's the Best Partner Ever TM.
Sure, it can be good! Winning the Lotto is nice too! - I'm jaded.