I've been with my partner for around 10 years we have a 4 year old daughter. He was diagnosed a few years ago, has a long history of challenges with alcohol. He went on medication a year ago and it immediately managed his dependency on alcohol. He also noticed a huge difference at work and was able to achieve more.
However our relationship was never rockier. His orginal meds really increased his irritability and while better now the cycle of defensiveness, blame and conflict is almost terminal.
Despite the above he is at heart a good person, he has just been masking for so long he does not know any other way. He's a devoted Dad and I know loves me dearly, he just can't seem to grasp the challenges I face daily of living with him. He's very chaotic, messy, disorganised and relies on me as the problem solver. I've let it happen but now I'm exhausted.
We recently seperated but im back home after 2 weeks. I can't bear to be away from my daughter and the idea of losing my family is too much. But the thought of living like this for another 30 years is equally overwhelming. My question. What actually works? We are in counseling but im not sure if it is really helping, we seem to be making better progress unpicking our conflict on our own.
how can I get him to make changes around the house, help out more. Make small changes but actually stick to it. Nothing ever sticks. He's tried a ADHD coach but he does not keep to the practices. I feel so stuck, I'm looking for hope but I don't know if he can really be the partner I want him to be. How can you work out when it's time to leave or is it better to change from within.
If we break up is co parenting with a ADHD ex just a whole new set of problems? Would love to hear experiences.
Looking for stories of hope
Submitted by prestopr on 06/07/2023.
Is it better to leave or change from within?
Submitted by sickandtired on
I think you are missing the other option that exists. HE must change. It does not matter what you do if he's not aware and willing to change, and then actually TAKES ACTION on his own. It sounds like maybe you have a parent/child relationship with him? My ex relied on me for everything but was never satisfied and always angry and unreliable. I can't imagine having a 4 year old in that chaotic and negative environment. I'm curious what events led you to separation and what made you come back to him?
I found that after leaving and then coming back to my ex he seemed to resent me even more than before... not acknowledging at all that his unacceptable behaviors caused me to leave. I started changing from within. I started turning into a person I didn't like... I was nervous he would act out in public, offend my friends or family, hurt one of our dogs due to anger or neglect. Only his needs mattered, and he spent all of his energy battering me to meet his needs. My needs or the needs of our dogs did not matter. The "changes from within" you will go through if you and your child stay could stifle your happiness and peace of mind, and you will be raising a child who thinks living on eggshells is normal. It is not. It is a sad, empty hopeless way to exist. I'm sorry I don't have anything positive to say about this kind of relationship.
Same here
Submitted by ebecoat01 on
Well im in the same boat. About the same amount of years married but a little more. As far getting them to donthings around the house eventually they do it on their own. Just stop doing things because they always expect you to do them. So just stop, leave everoalone and see how they respond to something not being done. Then point out that if they want it done they can see the same thing you see. Tell them do something about!
My wife does the same thing exact thing. Ive gone to the silent treatment which means im pissed off and im tired of talking. When I do that it seems the message gets throueven more. I dont talk anymore or argue. I say something one time then its actions speaker louder than words.
Agree + Co-parenting
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I very much agree with sickandtired. Your husband has to make the changes or nothing can measurably improve. He is the one with the ADHD. You can support with ADHD friendly strategies that work for you, but he has to work on the source of the dysfunctional behaviours that are hurting the family. He could try taking meds for the evening hours since they seem to be helping with work. You could take Melissa's course. He could get the ADHD scheduling/reminder apps and restart the coaching, etc... the problem is that he needs to spearhead these things. As the "non" partner, you alone can't create a harmonious marriage. This was also my issue. My husband was not willing to accept or address the impact of ADHD.
I can't speak for other co-parenting arrangements, but I can anecdotally share mine in case it gives you some hope. I left my ADHD husband when our daughter was 12-13. I was actually trying to wait it out until she was college aged so we wouldn't have to share custody, but I just couldn't make it. My fears in sharing custody were 1. not seeing her every day (as you noted) 2. having to trust her part of the time to someone who couldn't be relied upon to feed her, get her to school, lock the doors, turn the stove off, meet her emotional needs, etc. 3. Letting her bear the brunt of hurtful ADHD behaviors without me there to at least attempt to shield her. (As she got older, she started to feel as hurt as I was by his inattention, broken promises, blame etc. - very painful to watch.)
My therapist at the time asked me if she thought my husband would even bother to fight for custody due to ADHD inertia. I agreed he may not, but I was so afraid to leave and take that risk. However, I did leave and he did not try to get custody of any kind. This has been positive for all of us. I am free and happier and can run a healthy household and set a good example for our daughter - it is significantly less work to be a single mom than married to him, as crazy as that sounds. Our daughter is so much happier with the ADHD out of the house as well. Her environment is stable and she's not seeing an unhealthy marriage example. I believe my ex is happier too because the responsibilities of having a family and house were too much for him.
Our arrangement: He visits our daughter once per week or so. He knows that I am happy for him to see her as much as he likes and I don't stand in the way of their relationship. When he comes over, we are on friendly terms. We can have a meal all together during his visit and recently we both went to our daughter's school performance. She sees us getting along and this is so much better. It was very hard for us to put on friendly faces at first, but now it's natural.
I am sure there can be positive shared custody arrangements too. You said your husband is a devoted dad so you may not have the same fears as I did. I have a few divorced friends who share custody (with non ADHD partners, mind you) and they have learned to enjoy their child-free days, using them to work, recharge or get things done around the house so they can be totally focused on the kids when they do have them.
Sorry this was so long. Only you can decide if it's time to leave. It's hard to be in that place. A therapist just for you might help you sort out your feelings.
Wishing you the best.