As I write this I'm yet again in a scenario that has been the most common theme and reoccurring argument my husband and I have had for years. Just a quick side note, we both were diagnosed with ADHD as adults, about 2 years apart, and after being married for around 5 years. The argument is he will suggest spending some quality time together after our kids go to bed and that typically means watching a show we like together or being intimate. The point in the evening where we have adult time will roll around and either he or I will be too tired because it is late and instead of him getting stuff he needed to/wanted to get done before our quality time together, he's lost track of time in his reading or some show he was watching or scrolling on his phone. I will have been getting things I needed to get done before our adult time in anticipation we were going to get to spend time together and when the time rolls around I feel like I've now had this expectation not met and feel rejected and then I get mad bc it feels like I'm not important enough to him when I made sure to get my stuff done around the house so that I could be present for him and now when I bring it up I feel like I'm guilting him into spending time with me and he sees me disappointed and frustrated which makes him feel bad but then he gets defensive and in turn becomes mad at me for being disappointed he didn't follow through with plans HE asked for or suggested! That makes me even more angry and I tell him that's some messed up manipulation tactic to not take accountability and at that point it becomes a full blown argument and then he will just start agreeing with me or he will say,"yes, I do want to spend time together and when I said I wanted to make those plans I meant it but I just got tired and now you're mad at me, again that I am too tired." It also feels like he's being super selfish because he knew the expectation/plan he made that was set and agreed upon and he made enough time to do what he wanted to beforehand and now he doesn't have any desire or energy for me. I know all issues with ADHD and prioritizing time because I fall victim to that myself or saying I'm going to do something and forgetting but he knows this particular issue of doing that in this situation with me makes me feel as I've brought it up over and over but he keeps doing it. Which just feels like I get my hopes up just to be disappointed and it feels like only his time and needs are priorities and not mine at all. He's even brought it up when suggested spending time together and I've said you know how this makes me feel when it all falls apart, not due to uncontrollable circumstances or something and he makes all the promises in that moment it won't happen again and I of course believe him and then get told I'm being dramatic or too needy when the cycle happens again. I feel like my expectations are the bare minimum, if you say you're going to do something do it, if not then communicate something has changed but to make the change of not wanting to spend time together bc you rather continue doing your own thing just feels selfish. I just feel like not getting upset and telling myself, "it's not personal, he wants to make you feel like a priority but his ADHD caused him to lose track of time and he's going to feel guilty knowing he disappointed you again" that's been an excuse I've been telling myself for too long. I know how bad it feels to not follow through with something and disappointing myself or others so knowing he experiences those same feelings with this situation will sometimes make me just ignore it and let it go and keep my disappointment to myself but that also leads to me doing that too many times and then I finally blow up. I'm so tired of this feeling let down and like I'm excusing hurtful behavior. I don't know how much more I can communicate that and it seem to fall on deaf ears because nothing changes. I can't lower my expectations anymore than the bare minimum they already are at which just makes me mad to even type that. I'm asking for breadcrumbs of quality time together. Don't even get me started on the mental stress this causes for me when the quality time is suppose to involve physical intimacy...that becomes an additional layer to bringing up insecurities too. Is it just accept this is an ADHD symptom or don't accept it? That feels defeating if so.
How do I hold husband accountable & not get so angry when he brings up spending time together & then doesn’t follow through?
Submitted by djst86 on 08/10/2023.
To me, the term "holding
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
To me, the term "holding accountable" implies that you (or I or anyone) can control another person's behavior. For the most part, I don't think I can control any behavior other than my own. But I also don't think that you or I or anyone has to excuse bad behavior on the basis that it's caused by ADHD or something else.
Here (in a nutshell) is how I tried to approach this with my then-husband (who has a diagnosis of ADHD): Do I like this behavior? No. Is it within my power to change the behavior? No, because it's another person's behavior. What am I willing to change so that the bad behavior bothers me less?
Eventually, it became clear that the only thing I was willing to change so that I would be less bothered by the bad behavior was my marital status: I got a divorce.
My ex said he didn't want a divorce, but even at that point, he didn't change his behavior.
I have felt everything you
Submitted by Minna on
I have felt everything you have listed above to a tee. I am the non-ADHD partner and I keep coming back to "actions speak louder than words" and the actions are so minimal, or are completely minimized if it is my suggestion. The most confusing part is, are we supposed to feel okay and accept this as an ADHD symptom as you state? I have tried every avenue to feel ok, but I have now thrown my hands up and will be solely concentrating on my priorities and my happiness. It hit me when I realized I have a partner who is available or wants to put in about 20% of the work, or time & is in complete denial that his ADHD has anything to do with my frustrations and disappointments in our relationship. I deserve more than 20% from a partner of 9 years.
I wish it was not so difficult.
you aren't alone on this one
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
Thank you for writing this. I have re-read it so many times, i feel it in my soul. If you find the answer to this question, please let me know. I'm still grappling with it. And continue to. I have realised/found that I NEED to be in my own therapy to explore this bc I think we can only figure out the answer when we have done the work on ourselves first, bc we can sit within the answer with confidence. Hugs to you.
I 100% Get you
Submitted by BWRockhounder on
I read your post and I almost felt like you were me. I'm 63 and have been with my husband for 18 years.
I have dealt with disappointment after disappointment the whole time. I was so confused and felt he must not REALLY care about me or our relationship no matter how many times he said he did.
My husband had problems as long as he can remember but no one cared enough to dig deeper and find out what was going on, including himself. He was an only child and his mother had severe depression to the point of being hospitalized twice and received shock treatment each time. This was back in the 70's. Yet he can't recall that anything 'abnormal ' was going on other than she didn't get out of her pajamas sometimes and his father would get mad about it. He says she was a wonderful mother and he was spoiled rotten. The father was in construction and gone alot.
I tell you this as a back story to why I'm still here. In college he was diagnosed with dyslexia. He had repeated a grade and did summer school twice. He is a kind and gentle person, a hard worker. But he is as you describe your husband to be. I, like you, have whittled down my needs to the bare bone. He's always sorry and 'feels bad'. Three months ago he got diagnosed with In-Attentive ADHD at 58 years old. And this was only because I kept digging at what was going on with him. A doctor has tested him and he's on medication and in therapy for ADHD and depression.
Now.... currently, I'm away on a 6 month separation. I just couldn't take it anymore. This was before his diagnosis. So I'm asking myself, should I stay because we now know? But in the knowledge of what his condition entails, I'll be honest, I just don't have it in me after 18 years of feeling gaslight for most of the time. Problem is, I care about him and because of his childhood, I feel bad for him.
But, I know it will cost me what's left of my soul and at my age, with no kids to consider, I just don't feel I want to give up any more years.
I feel your pain.