We had the hyperfocus thing in the beginning and she had so many wonderful qualities I asked her to marry me. Shortly, into the marriage (we only courted for about6 months and were engaged for 6 more) conflict began popping up. The pattern began in a 3 week or so cycle, Week one would be good, week two I would notice forgetfulness, mistake making, physical illness sx, and provoking behavior. Week three would be started by some conflict: her reacting to my reacting. She would always escalate the conflict and then withdraw into the bedroom for days each time. She would then emerge and want to (or actually did) forget the whole thing. Never trying to repair the damage and being unable to reflect without complete defensiveness. I would push the issue because I needed to 1. learn from it and 2 resolve the hard feelings associated with it. Rarely was this satisfactorily accomplished. She cannot seem to reflect on her own behavior and so we have a constant stress level in our relationship. And many, many issues just keep causing the same conflict. We have learned over time with this "GroundHog Day" that she has a raging case of ADHD. Getting her to own this diagnosis, take her medication, and try to do something other than starting and escalating conflict when the cycle happens has met with failure time and again. We have taken the course, she has done coaching and when my wife is focused in on her sx things will be better for a time. But eventually she stops the medicine and things slide right back. This has happened numerous times. She seems to try so hard which had inspired me to stick it out with her over the years. But in March we were getting over another argument and I made her promise she would take the lead on practicing therapeutic communication exercises. She didn't do so of course (makes her feel silly)so I did. After about 3 days of taking this lead I walked in to ask if if she was ready. She rolled her eyes and in that moment everything changed for me. A light went on and I realized this will never get better between us. Her trying knows many bounds and things have been cold since. If July she finally confronted me and I told her divorce was likely the best option. I don't feel ithere is hope of improvement and that I wouldn't trust her even if there were. Why should I keep subjecting myself to this mountain of dysfunctional behaviors? What is our duty to ourselves? When is enough enough?
When is enough enough?
Submitted by Jimbo on 08/24/2023.
Enough is enough
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
There is only so much grace, patience and accommodating one can do. You deserve a stable, fulfilling relationship you can rely on and feel happy about. Only you can know, but it sounds like it's time to prioritize yourself.
Thank you
Submitted by Jimbo on
It's very kind of you to offer your understanding. I feel so guilty giving up on her. She is a good and kind person. I just can't keep doing this.
Same here
Submitted by mpress on
Everyone always says what a good natured guy my adhd husband is, and everyone loves him. Why? Because he is the life of the party, not boring like their responsible reliable partners. For me the reality of living with someone who is not reliable or responsible but who happens to be a good hearted guy, is not enough. When 2 people come together, I think you should be able to count on each other where each person's strengths lie. It has to feel balanced and mature. Fighting, miscommunication, watching them turn order into chaos is not rewarding in any way. I applaud you for bring strong and thinking about divorce. We have been together 30 yrs. We don't have kids but everything is complicated. Not a good excuse to stay together.
I missed the newsletter where Melissa announced she was getting divorced. Does anyone know if it's due to her husband's ADHD?
She didn't say
Submitted by adhd32 on
I thought it was ironic when I found out she was divorcing her ADHD spouse. I don't remember an announcement on this site, I think I saw something on another site.
More info needed
Submitted by mpress on
Wish we could find out. I think it's important. Nothing to be ashamed of.
Hi - I've just posted about my divorce
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
I wrote about it in a couple of marriage tips, and talk about it in my seminar, but hadn't done a blog post until now. But you can go to this link and find out more. I haven't been hiding, but I did wish to get my feet fully on the ground before I wrote a ton.
reality
Submitted by mpress on
Thanks for the update Melissa. It's actually comforting in a way, as there is less pressure (for me) to muster through it if it is too stressful for whatever reason. I had to give an ultimatum to my adhd partner this week, and have finally made the choice to stop parenting him, and let the chips fall where they may. The exhausting fights and continued blame were eye opening after all the work, time and and energy I put in. We will see how it plays out. He knows he has to pick up the slack and do the work, but will he? Time will tell.
The moment it all changes
Submitted by adhd32 on
Just one simple thing. You are wise to see that the end is near. I have found life patterns to be cyclical too and things progress the same way each time. Their promises are broken time and again and yet somehow it is all your fault. Your guard is always up because you can never really, really, really trust that anything promised will every come to fruition. It's all a big mind bend. Once you are off their radar the relationship is over no matter how many techniques and counselors you try. They always revert to their maladaptive behaviors when things get uncomfortable. The important thing is deep-down accepting that this dynamic will likely be for the rest of your relationship. Make life decisions based on that acceptance. No one can change another so we need to base our decisions on their commitment level. No need to feel guilty moving on, your wife has shown you she isn't interested.
Thank you
Submitted by Jimbo on
Yes that's it exactly. It's like being emotionally disabled. I need a partner not a child to parent. I feel so selfish saying that.
Parent child
Submitted by mpress on
I think it's likely easier for women to be the parent for too long.
emotionally disabled
Submitted by mpress on
Because it's so easy for me to forget he actually has a disability, which is why I expect him to behave like a neurotypical person, I have a daily note i look at that says "He has a mental disability". I'm trying to get my head around it for once and for all.
following
Submitted by Tattered Jasper on
I need to know too..... Definitely in the same boat. Definitely trying things that cyclically also fail. Just in the past 2 weeks, I feel like we're back at the start of our marriage. I'm with you, short courtship/fast wedding.... then BAM.... blindsided with reality :(
What I think
Submitted by Take 5 on
I think enough is enough whenever you decide it.
I had so much hope that things would get better, that we could find a solution to be together in harmony.
I didn't have a sudden 'aha - moment' but it did dawn on me slowly that things will never change.
I was the only one I could change. Nothing and no one else. So I started to create a practice for my own self discovery.
I started a meditation practice, found a support group who met every week, I started going to church (you don't have to go to church if you don't feel that's for you. It's simply an example for spiritual support.) and I found myself a therapist (I had to meet about 6 until I found one that was a good fit) .
Although my partner was aware of all these things I did I never encourage him to do something like it. I decided that this is his life and if he has the motivation to do this he will. If not he won't. It saved me a lot of energy in trying to convince him of something and it probably also saved them a lot of frustration in having to listen to me.
I stoped looking at all the things my partner was 'doing wrong' and started looking at the things I was doing wrong. Not in the relationship but for myself!
Here is what I found:
I expected things from my partner that he couldn't fulfill.
I didn't prioritize my own mental and physical needs.
My entire focus was outwardly and I saw myself as a victim of my environment.
After I realized these things there was no going back for me.
I couldn't believe anymore that there is hope for change when there is no will on my partners side. The truth was that it was uncomfortable for my partner but not bad enough (for them!) to be motivated to do something about it.
I started working on my own self and connecting with my body and it's trauma responses. I started listening in on what my physical body has to say about any given situation and then I learned tools on how to respond - not to my partner but to myself!
After time passed I was able to see clearly that this environment is not healthy for me. In order for me to live a happy life I must leave.
So I did.
It took me years to do the things I just described in a small article. But this I learned too: Nothing has to happen right now right here. I had adopted a little of the necessity of instant results from my partner. But it doesn't have to be this way. Things are allowed to take their time. In fact I think it is better when I sit with a thought for days, weeks, months or in this case years. Because my final decision to act and then executing this decision won't be impulsive, something I could later regret. It will be well thought out.
The other thing I found is that things tend to fall into place when you simply keep an eye out. I found many resources to help me in my case and when I am looking for solutions and ask questions I usually find them.
Life has a way of guiding me into the right direction. I only have to be conscious about it. I don't know if that last part makes sence to you. It's a little bit difficult to put it into words.
However the bottom line for me is: take care of yourself first and you will receive insight on what to do next.
It is ok to feel ashamed, sad or bad when starting to recognize that your own needs result in the posibble harm of a loved one. That's normal and natural.
I suggest that you sit with that feeling and connect it to your body. Explore what it creates in you and you may receive insight on how to respond to this feeling. Don't push it aside. It is part of you and deserves validation. If not from your partner then at least (and actually more importantly) from yourself!
I wish you well.
Thank you so much
Submitted by Jimbo on
The things you have so eloquently written sound alot like me and what I am going through. I thank you for sharing them. It means more than you know and from a stranger no less, I am tired of the years of struggle. I have all the evidence i need. My wife and are in the process of separating and she is extremely distraught. I am trying to comfort her but seeing her like this is so painful. She is a kind person with many wonderful qualities. I have given her 14 years. Now I'm taking what was to come away from her. But I am 55 years old and know options for finding what I need will diminish. My ability to make a move like this can't last forever. It's a sad situation. I hope she will find a better situation...I fear she may not.
I find it very noble of you
Submitted by Take 5 on
I find it very noble of you to consider her feelings the way you do.
I wonder if she does the same for you?
In my case it got extremely bad and led into verbal abuse and one incident with physical abuse. We had the Police involved at times.
It is strange but I see my partner in some ways still the way I met him. We had a real connection. I still believe that he is a wonderful person inside. Somewhere there...
I later had to realize that he had lost the connection to himself and fell into patterns he had before we met.
After I did my research I could explain his entire life with ADHD!
He didn't like that at all and was very reluctant even talking about it. He had so many triggers. It was impossible to form a sentence without hitting one of his triggers. Sometimes I wondered if I was the trigger as a person.
But I had to sadly and painfully realize that he is who he is and there is only one person on the planet who may have a slight chance of bringing him back to the person I first met: himself.
Well, himself was not interested. Especially after I mentioned to him that he should work on his own well being. In his eyes our relationship problems where entirely my fault. He gaslit me and at first I believed him.
That's how I ended up in therapy in the first place. Because there was "something wrong with me".
After speaking to numerous therapists, psychiatrists and just people in my environment it turned out that I am a regular person with regular emotions and all that is normal and not wrong at all.
He still insists that I am "sick" and wants me to do a blood test for something that should prove it.
When I left he literally screamed I shall get the f*** out of here. I left with very little and nearly no money.
Now he tells me that I financially scrued him over and I left for no reason.
It's only been three months now but I feel so much better! I do have financial worries now and anxiety around it that I have to take care of in myself. And since we have two children we will be in each others lives for a long time.
The frustrations with him are still there. With the big difference that I can put the phone away anytime I feel like it. I can go to sleep in peace and I don't have to be in the same room with him. Ever!
I know that he is taking the situation very hard and he is convinced now that I just left him with no warning and this is just another confirmation that I must be mentally ill.
I have to let all that go.
All his thoughts and feelings are with him. Not with me.
As painful as it is at first I reccomend to you to try to separate your wifes feelings from your own. For you your feelings matter first. This is not selfish. It is healthy. That doesn't mean don't consider her opinion but always check with your physical body how it feels for you. Be mindful, aware, concious of yourself.
I think in any break up that the ex or soon to be ex is the wrong person to be comforted by.
For me I have tried every single thing in my power to save the marriage and I can confidently say that it is not working out. For a scientist the data is proof. My data shows no long term improvement no matter what.
I did the comforting in the relationship. Now that I have decided to end this for me I am communicating only the very basics in regards to our kids. Nothing else.
As I am responsible for my own well being so is he responsible for his. I am not responsible to comfort him, maybe even give him hopes of reconciliation. I am true to myself and I have to be true to him. It is painful for him but it is not with me. It's with him. If he wants to heal he has to take action - not me.
And if he doesn't so be it. Our paths don't match and that is why we arr separate in the first place.
He asked me if I missed him and I was truthful when I answered "No".
I started grieving the loss of him long before I left.
There is much more I could write but I will stop here.
I am grateful for this website because there are people who get it. Thank you for listening and know that you are not the only one who struggles like this.
There are so many.