Is it normal for the person with ADHD to be horrible in a crisis? Not only is my husband terrible in a bad situation, but he often makes it worse. I was just talking with someone the other day about how I was dying in the hospital after having my first child and he thought it was appropriate to joke with the nurse that I was just faking it. Yes, the nurse took him seriously and yes, I could have had a stroke. Or the time we had issues with a contractor and he decided I was being irrational and he and the contractor forced me (by badgering constantly for three days) to sign a document saying that I was satisfied with the work (we needed that to release funds from the bank), and then a few weeks later our brand-new porch fell apart in the rain and we had to sue and got a lot less money because. . . wait for it. . . the contractor had a document saying that I was satisfied with the work.
It's like this with every bad situation. I don't know if it's because I'm the rock and every time he sees me as vulnerable he wants to have the upper hand, or if he just panics and does the wrong thing. Then it sets us off in a cycle. He does the bad thing, I'm furious, but also in a place where I can't leave him at that moment because of financial or stress issues, I dig myself out of the situation and by that time, he's fine. He's apologized and things are back to normal except that a few months earlier he did some thing that I would have left him for on the spot if we were just dating and not married. And the things add up.
Right now we have been in dire financial straits for years, basically because I have been trying to get him to actually do something about it, instead of killing myself to keep up with his irresponsibility. That didn't work, and I just had to get a new job. I slowly started taking the steps to get myself in a place where we can divorce. And he didn't even understand that I had to get the job because of him. He's like "oh, you wanted more stuff to do so you could keep a better schedule." No, I got a job that would lead to a new career in about three years (it's grant-funded, so it has an expiration date).
Guess what happened. After years of begging him to get a new job that would pay him better (and let's face it, he has ADHD - he's probably gotten bored and complacent at that job and it's not going to get better. He should be switching jobs more often, but instead he overstays his welcome and gets laid off.) For the first time in our 27 years together, he updated his resume when he still had a job. We will see if he actually applies to something. I should be happy, but I'm kind of annoyed that I decided he would never change and I had to go and he changed. And that's why we've been together for so long. I decide that I've had enough and he switches gears. But he never does it before it's too late. We are now not putting groceries on credit cards and NOW he decides to get a new job?
Why can't he do the right thing when things are bad? Why?
Why is he so bad when everything else is?
Submitted by Dagmar on 10/27/2023.
Making a crisis worse
Submitted by sickandtired on
Hi Dagmar! In my experience, I found that my ex boyfriend almost always made any crisis, big or small, worse. When his sister died of cancer in the middle of her divorce, he was very verbally abusive to her two heartbroken grieving adult daughters. He was very emotionally close to them, which made his inappropriate behavior even more hurtful. The very same day she died, he repeatedly badgered her daughters to get an attorney and sue their dad "for everything he's got!" They needed hugs and kind words from a loving uncle, not someone screaming that their mother "would hate them" if they didn't immediately go to war with their father. Other relatives tried to reason with him, saying they need love... not some battle plan regarding money. He relentlessly continued with his unsolicited "advice" well after her funeral. It was just shameful to me how his hatred for her soon to be ex overcame his love for his devoted sister and her two adult daughters.
I've written in previous posts how he behaved similarly regarding the deaths of my mom and dad. He made things MUCH worse, resulting in an estrangement between me and my only sibling, my brother, that has lasted 17 years and counting.
My inheritance dispute with my brother was blown waaaay out of proportion by my ex continuously interfering without my consent, resulting in hundreds of thousands of dollars in attorneys fees. I was devastated when my mother died, and I made the mistake of relying on him to be there for me, but it was like he seemed to be actively sabotaging my life, emotionally and financially. Everything had to be about him, and he tried to take control of my properties and a business that I eventually inherited from my parents. We fought all of the time, and I broke up with him and he thought he was entitled to half of everything I inherited, even though we were never married. He badgered me about this money for years after I dumped him, even after I married someone else.
Sorry for such a long post, but my answer you your question would be yes! My ex was horrible in the face of any crisis and definitely made things worse, like he got a dopamine high from the extra drama he injected into an already tragic time in my life, with long lasting negative, expensive and hurtful consequences long after the crisis was over.
Yes
Submitted by Swedish coast on
My short answer to this is yes. ADHD in my experience is not helpful in a crisis. When panicking, the last thing you need is not being able to trust your partner.
Risk taking
Submitted by Elliej on
I found in my 18years with non DX ex (separated) he was great in an immediate crisis. A 9stone dog attacked me and he fought the dog off (it was his dog though). But the ability to see risks, how things can unfold and take action....not so much. I broke my ankle over 10years ago. I told him i need to go to the hospital,he said i was dramatic and it was a sprain. Wouldnt drive me there and convinced my family i was dramatic....it was broke in 2places. He frequently got parking fines, caused a boundary dispute because he rail roaded a neighbour, wasnt clear and i had to deal with the aftermath. Leaves things late like organising one of the kids birthdays so i had to step in and its now 3weeks earlier as he left it too late with the venue to book. And so on. But im told i take over and everything has to be my way. That i have changed him as a person, as all he does is try to please me. My way or the highway. Sorry, today im in a bad mood.