I just wanted to thank all of you who have posted about your life and your struggles on this forum. Your stories have helped me to make the decision to divorce my husband.
I accidentally left my marriage 4 months ago and I have been going back and forth about whether I should return to it. How does one "accidentally" leave their marriage? I went to visit my parents for a few days and for the first time in a year (since moving in with my husband) I felt joy. I felt taken care of. I felt like part of a team with the common goal of living well. When it was time to go back home to my husband, I couldn't do it. I stayed in my parents house and did not return to my husband.
I met my husband 10 years ago and was immediately infatuated. The first 5 years of our relationship was long distance, as I was in medical school in a different state. Being long distance, it was easy to overlook the issues that his ADHD (diagnosed as a child, but never medicated) caused in our relationship. When I moved back to his state after school for my medical training (residency), I was so busy working 80 hour weeks and he was living with his parents. Between my busy hours and help from his parents to manage his life, it was again easy for me to overlook the issues with our relationship. I finished my training 1.5 years ago and at the same time, we got married and bought a house. That is when the issues became to prominent to ignore. Without his parents helping to take care of the house and our pup, I was forced to do everything or tolerate the mess. Couple this with his new video game addiction (30-60 hours a week playing video games) and its easy to see why I was miserable.
I was willing to stick it out because my wedding vows meant something to me. 6 months in to our marriage, however three things that he said/did made me re-examine my commitment to this relationship.
1) He had previously been nervous about having children because we both have busy careers, but 6 months in to out marriage he told me that he no longer wanted children because "life is to stressful." He knew going in to this marriage that I desperately wanted children and he had agreed to have them. When I told him that this was a deal breaker, he became very angry and felt deeply insulted that I would choose future children over him. A few days later, after cooling off, he "took it back" and agreed to have children again. I told him that it was one thing for me to be negatively affected by this marriage because I chose to marry him, but it would be unfair of me to drag children in to it knowing that he may hate them or resent their existence. He responded "I would never let my children know that I hated them." How can I have children with someone who believes that they could potentially hate them?
2) I begged for us to start marriage counseling together and he refused. When I asked him why he refused, his answer was "because I do not want to go."
3) I knew, when I married him, that I would be responsible for most of the household chores. I was ok with this because, as a physician, I knew that I would have enough money to outsource a lot of the household tasks. Shortly after moving in to our new home together, however, he refused to allow me to hire help. I asked if he would then step up and help me care for our home and he said no. When I asked him why we could not hire help, he said "because I do not want us to hire anyone." Essentially, he wanted me to either do the work myself (in addition to my full time job) or put up with the mess.
Reading through all of your stories, about your families and how ADHD has impacted your lives, I realize that this will only get worse once we have children. I cannot have children and a happy family with this man. In the past he has been fired from a job because he sabotaged a coworkers project and to this day, he will not take responsibility for what he did. He shifts the blame on to his boss and the stress his boss put him under. I want to believe that he will stay employed, as he has promised to do, but looking at your stories, I see a familiar pattern in my husband and I fear that he will one day loose his job again and refuse to get another. If I continue this marriage, and have children, I think that the chances are high that we will be miserable and eventually divorce. As I make much more than he does, my salary would be destroyed by alimony and child support. I worked so incredibly hard to become a physician and make this salary. I have sacrificed so much. The thought of my earnings being taken like that is heartbreaking.
So here I am. 33 years old, without children, and only married for 1.5 years and I am committing to going through with a divorce. The thought of dating again terrifies me (so much about dating has changed in the decade that i've been in this relationship) and I know that I may not find someone in time to have the family, and children, I always dreamed of. I am open to using a donor and creating a family on my own if I fail to find a partner in these next few years (at best, i only have ~ 6 years of reliable fertility left). I love my husband dearly, and I understand that his ADHD causes a lot of the issues, but his unwillingness to change and do better will destroy my future. After reading all of your stories, and hearing your struggles, I cannot drag my future children and grandchildren in to this mess. That would be selfish of me. Sometimes, love isn't enough.
Congratulations on taking your life back!
Submitted by sickandtired on
I am so happy to hear that you are choosing joy and health over anger and mental illness. I left my ex boyfriend in 2015 at age 60 and it was the healthiest thing I have ever done. If you haven't read my story yet, my exBF quit his job only 2 months after moving into my house. He never made another dime in our relationship of almost 12 years, so I had to pay for everything. I am sure if you had stayed, your ex would have resented you making a high income just like my ex resented me, even though he lived exclusively from my income.
You are young and obviously bright. If you meet someone and have the children you desire or if you adopt or use a surrogate, you will be so glad you chose someone else to be their father. Many folks here write that their spouses actually resent children coming into a relationship because children take up all of the attention. You deserve an equal partner who will step up, joyfully, to the chores of parenting.... I'm sure that years from now when all is settled, you will look back on this time and be thankful you made the healthy decision. You deserve a joyful life, and so do those future children! Sending you a hug!
Thank you
Submitted by BraveNewWorld on
Thank you for your response and encouragement Sickandtired! Your words made today an easier day for me.
I went back and read your story and I am so sorry that you were used by your ex like that. I cannot imagine how awful it would feel to be the sole financial and emotional support for a grown able bodied man. I am glad that you were able to end the relationship and move on with your life. Although i'm struggling with the end of my marriage now, I know that it is better, and easier, to be without a partner than it is to be with a partner who takes so much.
This year my husband did begin to resent the salary that I was making. I struggled to understand why he resented it, as it allowed him the financial freedom to take any job. My only requirement of him was that he worked and brought in an income. I didn't care how much the income was. It also confused me as he knew, from the day that he met me, that I was studying to become a physician and that I would be paid well. Yet when I finally made that salary, after years of sacrifice, he resented it. I cannot begin to imagine how you lived with that resentment for so many years. You are clearly a very strong and determined person and I wish you an immensely happy, fulfilling, and calm future <3
You've done a wonderful thing for yourself
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
My heart glowed reading your story. Although it's terribly sad, you have saved yourself and your potential children so much agony.
It's amazing what a few days away from the insanity can do. Good for you for going from accidental to intentional and finding the courage to leave this unhealthy dynamic. You are going to shine in your future and he'll still be playing video games.
In the future, when you're holding your baby or holding a new partner's hand in joy, you'll thank yourself for making this very hard decision today. ♥️
Thank you
Submitted by BraveNewWorld on
Thank you 1Melody1 for your kind words and encouragement. Your reply made it easier to get through my day today and I know that I will go back and re-read it for encouragement on future hard days.
I see from your post history that you went through similar things with your ex-husband in regards to excessive computer time. It is comforting to have someone else understand what i've been through as my family and friends struggle to fully understand what this has been like.
I also see that one of your main motivations for ending your marriage was to protect your daughter. We are very much alike in that we both finally ended our relationships in order to save our children (yours being an actual child and mine being the children I still hope to have). I suspect that there are many more women out there like us who ultimately ended a relationship or marriage for the sake of their kids. It is heartwarming to know that a mother's love for her child is so profound that she would sacrifice anything to protect them and to ensure that they thrive. I hope that ending your marriage has also given you the time and the space to show yourself some of that love and care.
You are clearly an amazing mother and I wish you and your daughter an amazing, happy, and peaceful future <3
Brilliant
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I smile reading your post. It's crystal clear, logical, sane. You've been able to grasp the situation even though you love your husband. It will probably save you decades of hurt and sorrow.
I'm so glad for you. I hope you can have the children you want. You will make a good mother, I'm sure.
Thank you
Submitted by BraveNewWorld on
Thank you Swedish Coast for your reply. It means a lot to me that you took the time to provide me with that reassurance.
I see from your post history that you are also in the process of divorcing a man who you love. Its so incredibly difficult isn't it? Some days I wake up and think that I should go back. That if we just go to marriage counseling and therapy (which he agreed to only after I asked for divorce) that we could fix things and be a happy family. I feel selfish for leaving. I feel like I gave up and ran away from marriage to quickly. I feel shame for having only lasted a year in our marriage. I feel foolish for agreeing to marry in the first place.
The logical and sane part of me remembers, when I first started dating my husband, that I told him that love was not enough for me to agree to marry someone. That I would only agree to marry a man who was my partner; my equal. I remember that this made him angry, but at the time, I could not figure out why it made him angry. 8 years later, I completely disregarded this and agreed to marry a man who I knew was not my equal, but who I felt immense love for. Looking back, I see now that perhaps he became angry because he knew that he could not be a partner to me and that love (in his own sort of way) was the entirety of what he could offer.
Swedish Coast I feel that you and I are very similar in that we are divorcing men who we still love. You are a bit farther along in the process than I am. Does it get easier? Does it stop hurting so much? I'm afraid that I am still at the beginning of grieving the end of my marriage and the dreams that I had for our future. I spend all of my days off in bed. I find myself grateful when Monday comes around because at least I can go to work where its easy to forget about my problems when i'm caring for sick patients.
I hope that it does all get easier. And I hope that you and your children are thriving. You seem like such an amazing and strong person. I know that you will get through this process and that love, happiness, and peace (most importantly) will be waiting for you <3
Thank you BraveNewWorld
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Thank you for your kind support!
No I'm sorry to say, things have not become easier so far. I struggle right now with my ex-husband's misconceptions. He has treated me awfully this autumn and still tries to invite himself to my house and wants to use my car.
I think you will be able to disengage easier since there are no children involved. After grieving - and I think we need to allow ourselves time for it - you will simply have the opportunity of not interacting with your partner at all.
All the best to you!
Absolutely the right thing to do.
Submitted by Forgotten Person on
I have wasted 11 years of my life trying to make my marriage work. You have done absolutely the right thing and given yourself the opportunity to be happy because believe me, it was never ever going to improve, I promise you, it was never going to improve, in fact, it was on a path to get much much worse. And as hard as this sounds, thank goodness you didn't have children with this man because had you and then divorced, every time he had access to your children, you would only have been concerned because you know he would not have been able to provide even the very most basic healthy environment for them in his own home or really taken care of them and their welfare. At one time I considered having children with my ADHD husband, I have an adult daughter from my previous marriage so no concerns there. We live by the ocean and water sports were a big thing of his. I knew that if he were to ever be responsible on his own for our child, I could never be sure the child would come back alive and unharmed because he simply does not have it in him to put a child and their health and safety needs first. I knew it could never work and whilst you may think you would have been happy to raise a child on your own within that marriage, there would have been times he would have taken care of the child and you would never have been able to rest assured the child was safe, let alone if you had then divorced and he had a right to see and "care" for the child.
I made the decision to divorce my husband in the summer, we have to live together until financials are sorted out, living with him is absolute hell. Hourly rows if I engage, constant gaslighting and lying, constant manipulation, tantrums arms and legs flailing, completely dysfunctional outlook and thinking, hours spent on electronic devices. He is wealthy and has never had to hold down a job because his wealth came from a family business, had that not been the case, he would have been unemployable and incapable of not arguing with everyone he came into contact with. He worked in the family business where he was the son of the boss or the boss, people had to work there, they had no choice and from what I can make out, he did little more than open and close up, he was incapable of doing anything else.
Life will be what it will be, it's best to get out now rather than years of misery being made to feel like you never do enough. It's impossible I'm afraid, I am not prepared to go through hell with a trouble maker any longer and nor should you be. You're far better than that. Think of your education, training and your own aspirations, how you would look back with regret if you didn't reach your true potential because you're dragged down by an emotional black hole. As for meeting someone new, that could be just around the corner and if you're both keen to have children, there's no reason why you wouldn't try immediately, there's no set formula for how long you should wait, if it feels right, it's right.
Good luck with it, you won't need it because you know you're doing the right thing, I can certainly tell you that you are
Support for what?
Submitted by TexasToast on
As an ADHD man in his fifties with a recent diagnosis and struggling to cope and manage it, I am so sad that I ever asked the woman I love to join a support group for non ADHD partners. I am not picking on this group, it's the same in all but I think the fb one is the worst.
I have never heard one positive thing from anyone. This is not support to stay in your marriage. It's a way to end it. People with ADHD are labeled, or told you're just like this post and so on. And all of you band together because we are "too much". So many of you seem to be psychics who can see the future and how hopeless it is. ADHD spouses are despised. And these forums aren't saving people's marriages, they're ending them. No one is asking the important questions like what is it about this disorder that causes the kind of deep rooted anger to develop. Where are the coping strategies and solutions? If everyone is set on coming here to vent to rally support around their anger so they can get the courage to leave, then why did you come here to begin with?
I tried everything before I ended it.
Submitted by sickandtired on
We are not psychics. We have lived it. You are only seeing the tip of the iceberg related to what we have endured. I tried for over a decade to get my ex to do ANYTHING, like getting out of bed before 2pm. He would stay up all night on the computer harassing people. He never took any initiative to get therapy. He begrudgingly went to a couples therapist with me only to label the therapist as an "anti man" person who was against him from the beginning. I tried everything to make him happy, but he was always angry, blaming me, taking absolutely no responsibility for his behaviors. I realized the anger was originating inside him no matter what I did, but I still tried by taking him on trips and going to concerts of his favorite groups, only to have him be moody and blow up and verbally abuse me the day before each trip, and then sit on the front row of Crosby Stills Nash AND Young and still be complaining, looking for trouble from others in the audience. I'm sure there are many others on this forum who have asked the tough questions, put their needs secondary to their partner like I did, tried everything to save their marriages, but the sad fact is, if the ADHD person does not participate in therapy (or actively tries to sabotage it), what are we supposed to do, just waste our lives cleaning up the barrage of problems and just taking the verbal abuse, and settle for an unhappy life that never improves no matter what we do, and stay only to watch their behavior become even worse over the years??? NOT ME! I will never again help anybody who resents me for being successful while spending my money, who accuses me of being "disloyal" for seeking help, who abuses our pets, who makes me feel afraid in my own home. We all deserve safety and peace of mind. If a marriage is not safe or peaceful it SHOULD end.
Support for the non-ADHD partner
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I think those of us who have been through or are going through it would be doing a disservice to advise non-ADHD partners to stay in unhealthy, often abusive, often completely unfulfilling marriages.
(Edited to remove the second part of my reply because it came off really snippy and I didn't mean it to.)
I am not a psychic. But,
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I am not a psychic. But, unlike my ex-husband, I can learn from the past, and I understand that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. I too spent years trying to help my husband and do everything for our children and our family (especially after my husband said to me, "I can barely take care of myself"). My ex has said that our marriage was the best thing that ever happened to him, but when the marriage was sinking and I was bailing out the water to keep it afloat, he was cutting more holes in the bottom of the boat.
Sorry
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I'm sorry the tone on the forum upsets you.
I think many of us non-ADHD came here to understand what we're dealing with, and also to help define our own boundaries. It seems like many, like me, have stretched themselves beyond what's reasonable to accommodate their partner. We're hurt and confused.
I for one would still do anything if it could reverse the toxic spiral of ADD symptoms and reactions that has devastated my marriage and hurts the children.
It's just that it won't help. I've put in over twenty years of constant effort. No amount of it will be enough.
I do think that the kind exchange between ADHD and non people is also an important part of the forum. I hope you'll find there is support for ADHD partners also. I sympathize with your efforts and wish you the best.
How long do you suggest?
Submitted by Forgotten Person on
For how many years do you suggest a none ADHD partner tries? Does that change when, year on year, they see no improvement or things worsen? And what level of abuse do you suggest they should accept? Bearing in mind that abuse is abuse no matter the cause.
Been thinking on this
Submitted by adhd32 on
I read this post and have been trying to figure out why it is so disturbing to me. I think the line about your dissatisfaction now that all the cards are on the table and your spouse has had the opportunity to compare notes with other non spouses says it all. Your wife found a place to speak freely with others in the same sinking boat. Finding out you are not alone in a situation is empowering and perhaps you are uncomfortable with your wife's new empowerment. It sounds as though you would have preferred to her to remain uneducated to your issues and carry on as usual because now that she knows, it has upset your lifestyle. Now the work is on you to be accountable, follow through, etc.
From my experience, what is problematic is the inability of the ADHD person to admit that their condition, and it's common traits, are causing problems in the relationship and their spouse is reacting to those traits. To answer you question about what causes the deep rooted anger to develop it would be years of RSD fueled reactions to minor things, disrespectful treatment of your spouse and others in public and in private, lack of meaningful engagement with the kids, refusal to accept responsibility for things big and small, lack of physical and emotional support, lack of commitment to change. The forum has opened many non spouse's eyes to the futility of thinking they can help change their spouse. Once someone who comes to the forum for advice realizes that the ball is in their ADHD partners court and they are not going to pick up the ball or play through to the end, change happens in the relationship.
Not sure how long your relationship has lasted but a realization often comes over people in their 50s. The kids are grown and gone and the non spouse takes stock of their life and their future. Do they want this life full of chaos, filth, discord and tension until they die? They see no commitment from their spouse to work on their condition, meds are only one step, continued therapy and changed behavior are what non spouse needs to see. They wonder: Is my spouse here because they can't live without me as they say but demonstrate otherwise, or are they here because of what I do for them?
You dodged A Bullet
Submitted by nefun76 on
I am super chuffed for you making this clear and concise decision to leave NOW! I wish I did this 16yrs ago before I got married or 15yrs ago when I had my first child . Majority of ADDeds have no responsiblity or commitment bone. They just take and take with no reciprocity.
I would share my experience to show you how the future could have been like :
1 Resentment : My ex resented me to the hilt because I was more successful than him. He set up 5 businesses which failed and I supported him in all even when his family pressured him to get a job. During the divorce he said I emasculated him. He fought so hard to evade child support but I won a good settlement . He told the judge I was an entrepreneurial guru, I went to Ivy League schools and I can support kids on my own . Deep resentment had set in as I bore 99% of the family responsibilities - financial, physical ( he could not change a light bulb) and emotional . He was an emotional liability , always a wreck when his business failed and needed to be mollycoddled and wanted sex everyday . No emotional regulation . I had no one to support me , I had to be the man in the marriage . I lost my dad and younger brother in a space of 3 months and he took off to a hiking holiday mafter we buried my brother . He said he could not cope . Left me with 2 young children and no help .
Lack of Empathy: He was selfish, morbidly stingy and self centered . He was only focused on himself . He claims he loves his kids.but his actions don't match his words. He only loves to play with them but no support or care or empathy. He put us through severe pain during the divorce . He had been cheating on me with a mutual friend for 3yrs- I had no clue as she lives in another country and he often travelled. He eventually walked out and she supported him to file for divorce . They flaunt their relationship online and cause so much trauma for kids and I. His 15yr old daughter was embarrassed in school and she begged him to stop posting pictures but he ignored her and said he's in a relationship. After extensive therapy for kids and I, we took our power back from them and forged ahead . I had to reset my mind to 15yrs ago before I met him and restart my life but with my 2 amazing kids by my side . You are better off not giving him an ovum talk more of a whole child . He will resent the kids bcos they don't know how to be sacrificial and that's the first characteristic of a real parent.
Pls go and do t look back! Unfortunately they are better off on their own instead of causing others a lifetime of misery
Congrats
Submitted by Completely rung out on
Good for you. I wish I had divorced years ago but I stayed. I went thru breast cancer treatment without his help, but with all the same old responsibilities for the household including pets. He lost his job and was unemployed full time for 10 years. During those years he did nothing around the house while I worked full time. You are smart for getting out before he ruins you.
Omg thank you this is so me!!!
Submitted by Peacefull111 on
I can really relate as I am in the same boat but not married, just ended a 5 year relationship with him and I'm also 33. It's confusing and sad but the future will only get harder if I stay as well as he refuses to work and do anything supportive for me. At the end of the day you have to put yourself and well being first no matter how hard that is. It's the only way to have a peaceful life. I feel the same as I don't want to put children through this.
Gosh it's nice that so many people can relate
Submitted by BraveNewWorld on
Wow thanks so much for your response. I'm sorry you are going through this, but it's really nice to hear from you and so many other women who can relate.
Given that we are the same age, I think you in particular can relate to how it feels to spend prime reproductive years with a man who you ultimately realize you cannot raise children with. I'm mourning that realization and some days it is so incredibly hard.
My sister keeps reminding me that I only have one life. At the end of my life, would I feel fulfilled if I had stayed in this marriage? I know it's hard now, but I think that for both of us, the answer to that question is no, we would not have felt fulfilled. We would have felt regret.
I hope that you go on to find an amazing partner with whom you can have your children. One who can be fully present and who can provide support. For me, after being in this relationship for a decade, moving on to another one seems so incredibly difficult. I' intend to freeze my eggs this summer and hope to find that supportive partner in a couple years, but i'm also not opposed to using a donor and becoming a single mother by choice. I think my greatest regret is wasting so many years in this relationship when I should have been finding a partner who could actually be the father of my children.