Long story short, we separated in February.  But he sometimes worked at the bar by our house, so he would come back for a day, then it was two days.  Then we'd go to parties or events with the kids together and it was easier for him to just stay here, and of course we were getting along so much better than before.  A house on our block came up for sale at a really great price.  I thought it would be great for a place for me to live, he could have my (much larger) house and I could live there.   Then we realized that we couldn't totally afford it unless we rented it for a while, until I was working full time again. 

By summer he was only staying with his mom once a week.  Then once every two weeks.  But we were getting along.  I would occasionally mention the things he was supposed to do to show me that he was changing and serious, but he never did them. 

Then he brought his electric toothbrush back.   I put on the brakes.  I told him that we were not back together.  That would never happen without a conversation.  There would be no assumptions.  It had to be an actual conversation.  

That's been the biggest problem  He just won't tell me things, and I need to play detective to figure out what's going on.  In 2018, this man made plans to move halfway across the country and just assumed I knew because I was being so nice about it.   I knew his company was moving headquarters.  I knew he went down there to scope out the area.  I did not know that he was permanently moving there in two weeks. I still thought that we were in the planning and discussion phase.  I only found out because he shipped his car there and I asked how he was going to get to work without his car.   I would have let him move there and stayed here, but he was fired the day before he was supposed to go.  

This week he mentioned his brother was coming to visit his mother's house.  I don't like his brother.  I said I didn't want to go.   But then he said his brother was bringing our niece, who I would like to see.   But all of the conversations just devolved into him asking me if I wanted to go.   Finally I was like "What am I agreeing to?  What is happening this weekend?"  We have an argument about him not giving me all the information in situations. They had a whole variety of things planned.  I dragged out of him that he is planning on going out tonight, cleaning up his stuff so his brother has a place to sleep without his crap everywhere.  This is the important part:  He decides to take the kids out with him tonight, come back home, and go back the next day to go to a concert with his siblings.  

I went swimming with the kids and when we get back he's apologetic for not giving me the full story earlier, but the plans have changed and he's just going to tell me outright.  Okay.  He tells me that no one told him there would be a picnic tomorrow afternoon and he'd like me to come.  Okay, he's direct, thank you.  I tell him how hard it is when he doesn't tell me everything, that I need to make decisions based on all the facts.  I talk at him for a bit, then stop to let him talk.  

He says "so you will come out there at 1?"  Just something about that feels off.   I ask him about it, and he again asks me to come at 1.   Remember, he is taking the kids tonight and come home again.  Why is he so focused on when I will be out there?

So I say "What aren't you telling me?  Something isn't adding up."  He tells me that he's spending the night so that he can go tour assisted living places for his mom in the morning.  I ask if he's still taking the kids out tonight and he says he wasn't planning on it.  He says "Oh God, I've done it again, huh?" 

But instead of being apologetic, he tells me he tried to have a conversation with me, but that I started telling him how I need him to give me more information and he didn't have the opportunity.   I said "The important part was that the plans had changed.  Having a picnic or hanging out in your brother's yard is all the same to me.  You kept asking me if I would come, but you didn't tell me the part about you not taking the kids and coming home tonight.  That's the part I needed to know."  

Then he starts arguing with me over his reasons for deciding to spend the night.   I keep saying "I don't care about the reasons, that doesn't matter.  I don't care if you're spending the night.  The issue is that I had to ask the right questions to figure out what you were doing."  I don't care that he's spending the night.  I don't care that the plans changed.  I care that he didn't give me the information I needed to make a decision.   That's the issue.   That's what he needed so say.  Not "Now there is a picnic, will you come."  He needed to say "I'm going to spend the night out there and I'm not bringing the kids, could you please bring them out for the picnic tomorrow?" 

I just feel crazy.  Is this ADHD?  Is this some weird manipulation?  Why is he insisting that the important part of the story is why he decided to spend the night?  I don't care about his reasons.  I care that he didn't tell me and I had to drag it out of him.