Resentment

ADHD & Marriage News - September 4, 2024

Quote of the Week

“Inherent in resentment is a perception of unfairness – you’re not getting the help, appreciation, consideration, affection, reward, or praise you deserve. … resentment is a defensive way of devaluing and mentally retaliating against those whom you perceive to be treating you unfairly…resentment is never specific and rarely goes away. It’s a generalized defense against unfair relationships or environments, not just certain behaviors. Hence, resentment persists despite changes in the behavior that may have stimulated it. Even if you apologize, I’ll resent that you didn’t do it sooner or that you weren’t sincere or contrite enough, because I’m pretty sure you’ll do it again in this unfair relationship or environment. Where anger is a tool to put out fires, resentment is more like a smoke alarm that’s always on, just in case a spark should ignite. Other people might think your resentment is about the past and urge you to ‘let it go.’ But resentment is really about the future…it seems to protect you from the danger of trusting again.”

- Steven Stosny

I sometimes ask people to seek out the benefit of negative feelings they hold or coping strategies they employ. In the case of resentment, not only does holding onto resentment protect you from needing to be vulnerable, it also makes you feel more powerful. By devaluing the person you feel resentful towards you can make yourself feel better.

But…holding on to resentment hurts you. Because it keeps you from loving. In fact, in a different place, Stosny suggests that you can either hold onto your resentment or love another, but you can’t do both.

That’s an amazingly strong call to action to lean into confronting the resentment you hold and confronting the illusory power and protection it seems to grant.

Often, one of the first steps in letting go of resentment is owning your own role in your situation. For example:

I chose this partner in the first place, of my own free will
I do parent my partner, even as I don’t like doing so
I critique my partner and when I do so, he responds negatively to me, which I resent
I don’t manage my ADHD symptoms as well as I could and ‘covering’ for me exhausts my partner, making him cranky

The second step to letting go of resentment may be allowing ‘I did the best I could do at the time’ or ‘we are doing the best we can do.’

There are more steps, but the first is most important.

Are you willing to choose the possibility of love over your resentment, and start owning your contribution to the unfairness in your relationship?

STARTING SEPTEMBER 18! ➤ ADHD Effect In-Depth LIVE Couples' Seminar - Wednesdays, Sept 18 to Nov 20, 2024 / 8pm to ~ 9:40pm EASTERN time No matter where you are in the world, you can take this seminar - Get the hope, information and the tools you need to move towards a HAPPIER, HEALTHIER & THRIVING RELATIONSHIP.

"This course gave my husband and me the breakthrough we so desperately needed."

"Thank you again for such a life-changing seminar. It was the best and most effective money and time we ever spent."

"Your class has brought a bright ray of hope to our marriage."

"We are in the best place we have ever been as a couple - and without your course we would never have managed that - in fact, without your course we wouldn't have managed to stay together...."

➤ THREE OCTOBER START DATES OPEN - Non-ADHD Partner Support Groups - 10 participants, two topics per day, 7 weeks long. Recorded for confidential use. Join a community of people exploring similar issues.

Resources For Those in Relationships Impacted by ADHD

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. THE NEXT LIVE SEMINAR STARTS SEPTEMBER 18, 2024. The Self-Study Seminar is available anytime. Move at your own pace. Includes materials/recordings from the recent '24 live seminar

Non ADHD Partner Support Group (THREE OCTOBER START DATES OPEN) and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group (FULL) - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting group - Consider this group if you're interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert. This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. REGISTRATION IS OPEN.

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD;

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

Social Media: - follow us for tips and resources

ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!

Question? Contact Melissa.