My husband was diagnosed about 12 yrs ago, at about 41 yrs old. Our marriage was at a total breaking point. He was actually living in our camper at a state park for several weeks and finally decided to go get help and started meds. He was on meds for about 4 yrs but even then, he was on the fast acting Ritalin and mainly took it for work, rarely when he was at home. I talked to him several times about taking it while home and how it helped our communication and relationship and he would agree but it wouldn't last. Then he stopped taking it altogether. He will tell others how much it helps him and he keeps the Rx filled...but doesn't take it. We've had several talks about it and he'll agree that it helps and that he's gonna start taking it but he doesn't. And I hear him telling people that he'll take it when he's at work or in other social situations but he doesn't need to take it at home...I feel like it's a total middle finger to me..I'm at home and trying to deal with his angry outbursts and mood swings and lack of attention to me, etc. I really don't know what to do because he's not refusing or being a jerk about it, but he's not taking it. He thinks that it only effects him and is oblivious at how it effects me. He is constantly telling people that he has such an understanding wife and that I put up with a lot. But I don't think he fully gets the impact it has on me. I'm torn because we've talked about it so much and it hasn't changed, so do I drop it and just deal? Part of me feels like the decision to take meds is the individual's decision but at the same time I've seen how it has helped him and us and I'd like to see him taking it again.
Husband Has Stopped Taking Meds
Submitted by nlongenecker on 09/19/2024.
It couldn’t be an individual decision
Submitted by Swedish coast on
He's wrong if he thinks medication or not is his individual decision. Clearly he has no idea of the impact his behavior has on you. Or else he is terribly inconsiderate.
This not realizing impact is such a common misconception in ADHD husbands I believe.
Catterfly recommended a book called This Is Where Your Marriage Ends. It's about how decisions repeatedly made with no consideration for a partner will slowly kill the marriage. I believe every word of that theory. The dissolution of trust is the dissolution of the marital bond. No trust, no future for the marriage. How can we trust someone who willfully not medicates thereby causing us distress and pain?
I'm sorry about this. I hope it will change.
Seconding this
Submitted by BeyondConfused on
Seconding this
I am pretty sure my relationship is done due to my partner repeatedly making decisions with no consideration towards me and showing almost no remorse when I bring it up.
It has led me to mentally check out and I have a harder time considering how MY actions impact my partner, since he doesn't seem to do that for me. I still do my best,? But its a struggle. I am also strongly considering leaving him, so that makes it harder to remind myself to try be mindful until we either split or repair this, even if he can not be bothered to.
That is so tough and I am
Submitted by BeyondConfused on
That is so tough and I am sorry you are going through this. I am in the middle of something similar. Except my partner stopped taking his medication completely and lied about it. When I asked him why, he just shrugged and said he didn't know. He did not believe me or seem to "get it" when I pointed out that I was able to pinpoint exactly when he stopped taking his meds because his mood changed and communication broke down. He says there were other factors that contributed to that. I do not doubt it, but not being on his meds is definitely a big cause of things as it also shifts his perception of things.
When he doesn't take his meds, he decides he knows exactly how conversations will go and predicts what I am going to say or what I want. He is usually way off the mark and it also hurts us because since he has already had an imaginary conversation in his head, he does not seem to put the effort into actually having a productive conversation. Instead he deflects and gives me one word answers or closed off replies.
In my situation, I have told him that while I can't make him take his meds, I also refuse to enable him. He is engaging in what I view as self sabotaging behaviors. We are going to couples counseling in a few weeks to see if the psychologist can help us get through the communication problems.
But as it is, I am not his mom. And i feel like he consistently tries to place me in that role. Or like he just expects me to go along with, put up with, and enable him when he opts not to take his meds or decides to not even try to meet halfway.
Ive personally reached the point where I am probably walking away. I also have ADHD, and I work hard at being mindful of how some of what I do ends up impacting others. So to see my partner seemingly not even try, is a slap in the face. If couples counseling does not help, I will be walking away for the sake of my own mental health.
You cant make him take the meds, you need to decide how much him not medicating when at home, impacts you. For me? Its a huge impact. He seems unable to communicate meaningfully and tends to hyper fixate on his interests to the point he lets things pile up or expects me to do all the chores. Or I ask him to do a few things and he does not, and I become resentful later when it does not happen and I end up having to do it because it is then standing in the way of something I need to do.
I dont want to be in a one sided relationship. Or one where my partner expects me to pick up the slack for or just tolerate his ADHD traits without any acknowmedgement to the impact that it has on me. Especially when he just randomly decides he no longer needs to take his medication that was helping him. But then refuses to discuss why with me.