Almost a year after divorce it's become normal to be in unsolved conflict with the children's father. I normally don't think of it in the urgent sense, since I've given up hope it will ever resolve. 

Today I contacted a couple of mutual friends. One of them is loyal to my ex but doesn't admit it. They've heard his version of our divorce and talk to him often but haven't wanted to hear my version. Not that I want to talk about it anymore. They still want to be in my life, but not loyal to me, which doesn't make much sense? Especially since I was loyal and supportive to them in their awful divorce some years back.

But the contact with this friend made me painfully aware of how ugly we've left everything. I must take responsibility for it. We left it a mess. I decided I couldn't repair what he's destroyed - trust, to keep it short. I can't forgive him, since he doesn't want forgiveness. But still. It's a smoking ruin, slightly out of sight most days. And our children magically seem to thrive, but when I was reminded of the ruin, I felt bad for not having cleaned it up, letting them live in it.

I'm dedicated to relations. I care very much. It feels shameful to have this blackened pit where life's biggest attempt at love used to be.

Still, sometimes in life I've decided an issue is not mine to deal with. This is one of these times. I broke myself taking initiatives when we were together. I was the only motor of the family. He's now decided to separate from me entirely and tore down the last shreds of trust to make it definite, doesn't care what I think and wants nothing from me (or so he said until it became clear he expected me to arrange family holidays including him and thought he could charm his way back into my house, and that he imagined I'd continue to be sweet and take all initiatives). I didn't ask for this total break. I couldn't imagine he'd manage without support. But he got the clear break, and I cannot ever take initiatives for him again. For children yes, all the time. But not for him.

He hasn't deserved my initiative, and I don't have any more to dish out. I'm out. I'm permanently out as far as he's concerned.

Values clash here and it puzzles me. Ugly conflict, not my style, not my style to leave messes either, rather to exhaust myself to have peace. But the boundaries concerning him are non-negotiable. Really. It's been that bad.

I guess the friend needs to go. At least as a confidante. Maybe will still get invited to parties. And the ruin I can only hope will tomorrow again slide behind the horizon so I don't have to look at it all the time.