Hello, I am new here, and I came to this website because I am struggling greatly with my marriage. I don't think my partner, who has ADHD, has any idea about how difficult this is for me. We've been married for 24 years. He was first diagnosed in 2019, but then Covid struck and everything went out the window. He finally revisited the diagnosis in 2022 and found a therapist to work with as well as a psychiatrist who could prescribe medication. I've been doing my own work and I've come to a point where I just don't see how this relationship is possible anymore. His ADHD makes him defensive and unreachable, and I've been trying for 24 years to be heard. We have a parent/child relationship. I am always the bad guy. Everything I say about my emotions is thrown back at me. Now that I see the situation for what it is, I feel hopeless that there is no way to fix it. I've been trying to do the work for both of us, I don't feel confident that he has the ability to stay with the work and see his therapist consistently. I'm shutting down. We have two beautiful children. I'm trying to find community because I feel so alone with this. Thank you
Struggling
Submitted by OneWorthyOne on 11/14/2024.
you aren't alone Worthy
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
You definitely aren't alone in this. I think you'll find that you have a massive community here. I too understand what you're going through and I was just aobut to put up a post very similar to yours about my kid and how to navigate all this. I have done a TON of soul searching and personal work for myself, and I'm at the moment when I know I'm unhappy, this is not the marriage for me anymore, but I am paralyized in how to even start to address it. To get to this place, I did the non-ADHD partner support group here and found it EXTREMELY helpful and supportive. I also joined the non-ADHD support group in where I live which does 1x meeting a week online. That was a bit harder as there is so much pain from different sides and can be heavy depending on where you are in this journey. But I tell you these things not so that you can distract yourself, but start to face the realities and what the next step will be. But you will have to look after yourself, like, the basics - nutrition, hydration, sleep, movement. The absolute basics that should become non-negotiables for you.
I wish I could tell you what to do or how to ease your pain bc it's a pain I know well, carrying it now and not sure what to do with . But you aren't alone in it
Thank you, Off the roller.
Submitted by OneWorthyOne on
Thank you, Off the roller. Knowing I'm not alone is so helpful right now. It seems like it's the only way for me to get by. I appreciate your words and the fact that you are going through a similar situation. Paralyzed is a good word. It is scary. You are so right about self-care, which feels hard, but I'm trying to prioritize it. Trying NOT to numb the pain and loneliness with wine. Thinking of the basics as non-negotiables is a good idea. I'm trying to step back now too, to give him space to show up and do the work. I feel like a clock is ticking though, and I don't have expectations that this is going to go the way that I would like. I'm trying to be neutral and let go of anger, but that is hard. Doing some self-love guided meditations as well. Thank you for helping me to feel less alone in this crazy situation.
Thank you Off the roller
Submitted by OneWorthyOne on
Thank you, Off the roller. Knowing I'm not alone is so helpful right now. It seems like it's the only way for me to get by. I appreciate your words and the fact that you are going through a similar situation. Paralyzed is a good word. It is scary. You are so right about self-care, which feels hard, but I'm trying to prioritize it. Trying NOT to numb the pain and loneliness with wine. Thinking of the basics as non-negotiables is a good idea. I'm trying to step back now too, to give him space to show up and do the work. I feel like a clock is ticking though, and I don't have expectations that this is going to go the way that I would like. I'm trying to be neutral and let go of anger, but that is hard. Doing some self-love guided meditations as well. Thank you for helping me to feel less alone in this crazy situation.
Working alone
Submitted by Swedish coast on
As Off the Roller said - you are among people who understand what you're saying. I'm sorry you are in this difficult place.
I am also the non-ADHD partner of a two decade marriage and divorced my husband a year ago for the same reasons you state.
From my perspective it's still hard to understand my ex husband's inconsistent behavior and what looks like dishonesty. Shoving all decisions on me, having specific needs but not voicing them, and then complaining about my decisions. Not being transparent with his emotions or his health. Assuming I would know things he didn't inform about. Isolating us socially, leaning heavily on me for initative, finances, unpaid work... I could go on endlesssly.
The point is, he's been showing terrible judgment. He's been so contradictory in his expressions I still have no idea where he stands. He doesn't remember important things. Any discussion about this makes him fiercely defensive, and he has gladly sacrificed my self-esteem to save his own.
A person like that is a nightmare to live with, even though you love them.
I'd say all in all, the eccentricity of at least a severe ADHD partner is not for everyone. It's potentially incomprehensible, and can ruin your life. And a non-ADHD partner can't fix it.
Again, I'm so sorry.
Thank you Swedish coast
Submitted by OneWorthyOne on
I hope I'm not doing the reply formatting wrong, I just wanted to say thank you and acknowledge your comments. It's so helpful to hear from others. The social isolation rings true for me as well, as does the putting me in charge of decisions. Even inconsequential ones. And of course, the defensiveness and sacrificing your self-esteem for his. Severe ADHD does bring with it eccentricity, that's a good way of putting it. And my husband's is severe. For me it is very off-putting and confusing, like I'm going crazy at times. I hope that you are doing well after your divorce. That was a brave decision to make for yourself. Thank you again.
Not alone
Submitted by AG on
(Andrea George here but switched to AG)
One worthy one
I too, could have written your message! I feel the same way- you aren't alone. There are people going though exactly what you are. It is extremely challenging.
I am sorry...
Submitted by CookieCutter on
I don't have much to add other than to say I am so sorry. Only been married 5 years, and no kids, but you sound a lot like my wife.
If it is any consolation, your husband knows how much you are suffering and feels terrible I am sure, but this is an uphill battle for him too.
Has he read Melissa's book?