In case you don't know my story, my spouse got a proper dx of ADHD and intermitted (spelling? but it's definitely chronic) depression earlier last year. However getting the diagnosis has not improved anything in our marriage. From March 2020 to today, it's been one roller coaster after another that I didn't sign up to be on. Through all this, we have a 'tween' (11 year old) boy who is an only child and has had a front row seat to all of this. And now, he's showing signs of people pleasing, suppression of emotions, and many other traits that I, myself, are trying to combat through therapy and self care work. It became clear to me the last year that I married the equivalent of my mother. A mother who definitely had bipolar and was chaos growing up. Just utter chaos is the only way to describe my upbringing. And now my reality is that I have a spouse who triggers me every day with his choices and behaviours - some come from the ADHD, most come from bad habits that have developed from the pandemic and having unmanaged depression and anxiety.
But this isn't a post about my spouse. Instead, I'm feeling so guilty about some of the personality traits that my son is showing. He's also showing signs of ADHD and I know in my heart, at this exact moment, I don't have anything in my tank to support my son because I gave it away to my spouse - who has exhausted and frustrated me to no end - and my spouse has also TAKEN so much from me.
As a mom, I know I WILL find the reserves and I WILL make the hard decisions when it comes to supporting my son to get him assessed and try to navigate what it will mean going forward... but dang... does anyone here have any insight as to what this road looks like in 5 or 10 years for my son? I'm worried he's now officially f***ked up and those generational traumas that I am now aware of, took hold and got me too and I didn't even realise it and I've now passed them on.
If I'm being truthful, my biggest fear is that my son will grow up to be my husband. And some poor female in 15 years' time will be in the same position as I am - miserable and lonely and fighting for something that should have never been her fight in the first place. There are glimmers of hopeful moments for my son, he's so kind, empathetic, helpful, artistic, smart, the list goes on. And I grew up as an only child of a single parent mom with undiagnosed bi polar/manic depression - whereby my son who is an only child, has had me to step up and BE THERE in so many ways that my husband just isn't/hasn't/isn't capable of. These last 4 years I have tried to over-function as the parent that I didn't have growing up. Maybe this will bite me in the butt at some point, maybe my son will see this in time that I did the best I could. One of my fears is that he will turn around in 5-10 years and say to me 'why did you let this go on like this? why didn't you leave?' or even worse 'why didn't you protect me?'. The thought of that just makes me crumble inside.
I guess I'm looking to see if anyone is further along in this type of journey with their child - having a parent with ADHD and how it's affected them growing up. Has anyone gotten insights from their older kids about what it was like for them?
Also, does anyone have any resources, i.e. books, podcasts, children's books, etc that I can look at and possibly share with my son or help me to navigate how to make some changes?
Hope!
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Dear Off the Roller, I'm following your journey and hoping for the best.
It so happens I do have good news about the ADHD child who unlike their father can have an ADHD diagnosis while very young!
My child was evaluated about two years ago. I started it immediately after my husband's diagnosis because I'd worried for a long time about behavior that seemed to push people away, and a kind of tiredness and distraction I didn't understand. The turning point was when I understood the mentor in school had no expectations on my child, whom I know is gifted.
It turned out to be pure ADHD, no comorbidity. We started medication. We learned from the psychologist not to put the child under too much pressure. We were told not to try and reach goals that would otherwise match the child's intellectual or other talents, since the lack of executive function would make that too difficult. So not the hardest challenges. It was more important for the child to succeed, at a somewhat lower level.
Two years later, the following has happened:
There are friends and the child navigates comfortably among people. They are charming and kind and a little bit eccentric.
School results have gone from acceptable to very good.
The child is content, happy and interested. They do extracurriculars and take age-appropriate responsibility for school and themselves.
On weekends when sometimes they choose not to take medication, there is a big appetite!
I consider the early diagnosis a blessing. What can be achieved by early diagnosis is the young person understands themselves and can avoid excessive pressure. They can arrange their life according to how their mind works. And they can avoid the depression and anxiety of the undiagnosed ADHD person, who bleeds their energy trying to be like everybody else. Burnout can be avoided I hope.
When they meet someone I'll give them Melissa's books and This Is How Your Marriage Ends as a gift. And I'll stand by that future partner, looking out for them. They might benefit from having the right expectations. They might not want to have three children like I do.
My children suffered when the marriage was bad. They thrive since divorce. It's very clear. One had depression which lifted within weeks when we moved apart. The others are just generally happier.
I think your son will have a much brighter future than his father. ADHD treated early seems like something else entirely.
You do have the strength to deal with ADHD in your son. And when you're exhausted with it and snap at him once in a while, you can explain why. I do, and I apologize, and feel good enough.