My partner has ADHD and I find I am constantly reminding him things he needs to do or follow up. He does remember some things but it's so varied and random there is no way of telling what he will and won't remember to do.
I find it really exhausting as I end up keeping every task in my head and monitoring progress, even if he's said he'll take something on and lead. I can't seem to get the balance of trying to get some equality in life admin, and also not burning out from the management that takes. It feels less anxiety provoking to take it all on but that's not the answer.
It's just not working as is. I'm utterly burnt out. We are going to try a weekly meeting to look at tasks, which is his idea. I have concerns that I will end up doing all of the thinking, planning and doing within this, but I'm going to give it a try with an open mind.
Do any of you have any tips for strategies that help someone with ADHD be organised and contributing, and ways i can communicate better for it to resonate and be remembered so I'm not continuously managing every task?
I have two kids, 3 and 7, eldest is autistic. So I am already managing and prompting a lot of people, while trying to stay on top of my own life too. I don't have any spare capacity to give. I am resentful and low, at the impact this has on how much energy I have left for things like the kids and career. My head is fried.
Any advice much appreciated.
Here's Some Things I Do That Work
Submitted by J on
Reminders are really great especially if they come fron a constructive place, without criticism. It's the criticism and judgment part ( the chastising ) which makes it feel like a parent to a child or talking down to you from above. Important to note.
But as I've found, there's no real pill or treatment for memory in that respect. I've heard the word "prosthesis" used to describe what is needed. Some form of outside devise: calander, sticky notes, cell phone etc.
And it has to be placed right in front of your face that has the reminder on it. I'm old school before computers and I still learned to put everything on my cell phone and actually look at it, so I know it can be done. It's my best resource for reminders. I find it works better than sticky note because eventually, I walk right by those too and not notice them.
I also try to make it as easy and simple as I can. Having multiple places to find things doesn't work well for me. In fact, I have one place to find everything and one list in one spot ...is what has worked the best for me.
I like the Google "Keep Notes" app because it's bare bones and super easy. I chose that one because I can speak into the microphone and dictate everything...I don't even have to write.
I apply the KISS principle for everything ( keep it simple stupid ) which always seems to work best. The simpler and easier it to use, the more likely I am to use it.
I think more than anything else, he has to be the one to choose the method. Only he will know if it works or not...you can't do that part for him. What I just said works for me ( and why )....it may not work for him.
And one last thing to note. There are some things that you can't put down on a note to remind you to do. They're little daily things like closing cupboard doors and drawers, toilet seats, putting things away after using them ( tools, etc ). I've found it's taken years of practice to remember little things like that and in the moment...there's just nothing I can do to remember those every time. With effort, focusing on just one of those at a time, I've got it down to only forgetting a few times....instead of every time. That's the best I've ever been able to do but.....I can do what I call "sweeps" where I intentionally walk through the house and look for everything I missed and catch them all at once. That actually works...as long as I'm not required to remember everything all the time 100% of the time. These are also not things that usually cause a problem. They're just annoyances to other people's personal preferences. Some of those...as I have to do myself at times...I just need to let go of. No harm no fowl.
PS
Submitted by J on
One last thing about forgetting. What works and doesn't work...is me being 100% accountable for anything I miss. This is a decision or choice. In fact, I insist on it. I won't allow my SO to do anything that's my responsibility and I forget to do it...even after the fact. To the point of being adamant about it!
Why? Because if she does it ( thinking around the house ) I miss the opportunity to learn and put that experience in my long term memory for next time. She's literally robbing me of my chance to remember it in the future. I learn hands on. If I don't do it, I won't learn or remember for the next time.
This is critically important for me in order to remember. It takes many times to get it down. Each time I do, is one more step in getting there.
Good question
Submitted by AG on
Good question, I'm curious myself what others suggest.
Is there anything recurring? Like we use the term "garbage eve" so it doesn't come across as criticism and it's in a shared google calendar. Similar to a code word, you could assign a task a name that's maybe unique or different. Either of us don't mind saying it but it's understood that's it's his task. He seems to have gotten better at cleaning up kitchen/dishes in evening bc he knows it means so much to me to wake up and have a relaxing morning.....so even recurring daily tasks maybe helpful.
It is a challenge for one time things like appointments, auto maintenance, etc- we are still learning ourselves.
So if there's anything that is routine, I'm finding its easier to plan/ execute without much reminding.
He also just bought giant sized sticky notes, which I didn't know they made- he is trying those out now.
We are working on communication techniques/ styles so he doesn't take it personally - we're trying the phrase "tell me more" not sure if he has the patience for this but humor helps too. We can both be kind of silly.
Not sure if this helps you at all but I like your question, interested to read others
...and what J said, I like his "sweeps"idea- maybe we'll try because he does leave cabinets/ doors open, boxes empty or things just sitting out. Also, it helps him organize better when it is his choice on how to do it. He said he never wants to use dresser drawers again. All his clothes are in clear bins on a table near the laundry in our basement and he recently told me this works so much better for him.
Good luck!!
Joint minds
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I found there was no way to relax with an unreliable ADD partner. Though he had occupational therapist treatment in order to organize life, giant things were missed in that therapy since he didn't mention them to the therapist. His efforts with whiteboards etcetera petered out in a matter of days or weeks. And most importantly, he didn't communicate with me. He couldn't improve the above since he was unaware of most of it.
Having a sort of joint consciousness with somebody else makes one so vulnerable to their limitations. I concluded the constant tugging at my nervous system would put me in an early grave if I'd stay in the marriage.