I would love to know how many non-ADHD spouses have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.
A few years ago, when we as a family were going through a terribly difficult time, I decided to get help for my spiralling anxiety. Turns out I've suffered with it much longer than I realised. I'm doing much much better, but sometimes I still get it thrown in my face that my anxiety is also difficult to live with, usually as a retort to when I say how much I'm battling to cope with 2 ADHDers in the household. Once, my husband actually spoke to my father about it, and my father said oh don't worry, she's always been like that.
Well guess what. My father and sister had raging, undiagnosed and untreated ADHD, and my mother distanced herself as she too wasn't coping with the chaos. So, from very young, I become a hyper-responsible, super independent and capable person, to mitigate for the damage around me. Of course no one understood the dynamics back then, but it's pretty much textbook stuff.
So, do you think that ending up with an anxiety disorder is at the very least related to, if not actually caused by, living in a dysfunctional ADHD home? And if so, do ADHDers (yes I'm also asking those on the site with the condition), ever see the link? For me, it seems my anxiety would be much reduced if I didn't have to be on high alert all the time to manage our lives in the hopes of reducing the negative effects (on all of us) of ADHD - especially unmanaged ADHD. And yes, people say just let go. But honestly, financially and legally, I can't just let go on some things, because my hypervigilant brain tends to be able to see potential bad consequences of bad decisions, as well as their costs, and I cannot afford this anymore, on any level.
Curiously awaiting your responses!
Yes I would guess so
Submitted by Swedish coast on
ADD (severe, with anxiety and depression) in my partner has made me hyper vigilant, afraid of friends I used to love, anxious about social gatherings, anxious that my children will receive too little of just about everything good I want for them, anxious that nobody likes me anymore. It's extinguished my former career, damaged relations to my family of origin, severed contact with a wider social network, and most of his family. I've been anxious about every weekend, every celebration. I had a brief period of burnout and sick leave in 2018 from carrying it all, whereupon my then spouse within days was burned out with incapacity to work for about a year and then has been working less with longer periods of complete sick leave ever since. I've had tremendous stress from having to make ends meet practically, financially, culturally, and by being yelled at when I've voiced my needs.
The anxiety, the social anxiety especially, I 100% attribute to living with the ADD in husband and child. I'm now trying to reinvent myself socially which is hard in grief, but I intend to push through the feeling of being unwanted and difficult.
I think you can safely assume any tendency for anxiety you have has been extremely! heightened by living in the emotional unsafety of an ADHD relationship.
Burnout
Submitted by Haveaniceday on
Today is the first time I'm even getting to answer the messages to my own post. That's how quickly time gets sucked up in modern day life and with an ADHD family ..
Swedish Coast, you mention you had a Burnout in 2018. I had a therapy session yesterday and felt quite positive and balanced, despite realizing once again that I am no closer to knowing what I need to do, or how much further I can go on. Then, when I woke up this morning, I had the nagging question of "I wonder if I'm burnt out". I have never felt so drained, so low on energy, so empty and so disconnected, I hardly recognize myself.
The weird thing is, that in the last few months my spouse has put enormous effort into keeping his side of the street clean, and for the first time in our relationship, I feel he sees a sliver of the reality of what it takes to run a life, and where he can / should jump in and take responsibility, and I can tell it hurts him greatly to see what effect his - and to be fair, our teen's - ADD / ADHD has on me. I wonder if it's because of this (feeling slightly more supported / seen) that I have finally allowed myself to fall apart (internally mostly). We have had a particularly challenging year with our teenager, enough to make anyone exhausted, but strangely, with more help / support / acknowledgement / awakening from my spouse, I feel like I am just one more "crisis" away from not being able to function at all anymore. I thought it would get better, not worse...
I'm very confused and wonder if this is something anyone has experienced?
When help finally arrives
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Yes, this is relatable. When help finally arrives, and you don't have to carry it all, it's like all your accumulated exhaustion shows itself. It's powerful and frightening.
There doesn't need to be anything wrong with your health, I believe. It might just be your body speaking up for itself, now it has opportunity.
I'd listen to it.
Accumulated exhaustion
Submitted by Haveaniceday on
Thank you Swedish Coast, this makes me feel less frightened somehow. I really do not want to get very sick and end up totally incapacitated, so I will take this as my body, mind and soul's way of telling me that enough IS already enough and I need to take myself and my wellbeing seriously, starting today. I've always been scared of breaking down and not being there for my family, but honestly, I want to not break down for myself too. I want that sparkly, creative, joyful person back. I miss her.
I’m sure she’s there
Submitted by Swedish coast on
It might take time, but I'm sure she's there and will eventually surface again.
So sorry about your stress and lack of support. I know of this too. It alters one's entire perspective on life.
Somebody said we have to re-learn everything after this kind of relationship. That sounds so true to me. If you've struggled hard to do good for decades, only to always be disappointed at outcomes, which are invariably failure, shame and frustration, you learn helplessness. Even if, and this kills me, even if you've had decades of opposite experiences before, and start the relationship strong and confident.
I've only recently rediscovered I can shape life with conscious action. And still, as soon as I get a sore throat or feel especially sad, I lose it again, believing I'm helpless to fate/ADD effects/other life disappointments.
These experiences of inevitable failure sure have had my brain in a tight grip.
The first thing my therapist advised me to do when my situation was similar to yours, was to leave the home and do fun activities on my own or with friends. I took up a sport which kept me away from home several nights a week. I also went for two hour walks with a friend, often several times a week. This was counterintuitive (I felt I needed to be home for the family) but turned out to be exactly the right thing.
The woman you miss, I think the fastest way to get her back is to do just that. Leave the house to enjoy yourself.
cleaning your side of the street
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
So I definitely feel the link, see the link, experience the link. But how to communicate that to someone else - who has ADHD - has been the difficult part. We can do so much work on ourselves and how we want to show up in this world, and specifically through Melissa's resources and information in taking responsibility for our own side of the street..... however I am finding that no matter how much I sweep up my side of the street, my DX spouse's trash is continuously seeping onto my road. That's the best analogy that I can give for it.
And furthermore, my spouse constantly asks me for help in maintaining his side of the street. He consistently blames me from his side of the street, over to my side of my street, for how his side of the street looks when he puts little to no effort in to the maintenance of his side of the street. He doesn't want to do the work to learn about how his side of the street came to the way it is, he doesn't want to face it because he's been shamed for his side of the street for so long.
But with all that, I can work on compassion, empathy or whatever till the cows come home... we all reach a point where you have to say 'enough is enough, I want to look at my side of the street from now on. Leave me alone'. That's kinda where I am at the moment and struggling.
So you aint alone in this.
responsibility
Submitted by Haveaniceday on
Off the Roller, this was the main topic in my therapy session yesterday. So I have committed to spend 2025 really working through this part. 2024 was about my spouse and our teen acknowledging and accepting their ADD / ADHD , working through lots of crises and me starting to acknowledge the resentment I had built up. I said enough is enough this time last year, which prompted the spouse's diagnosis and start of journey. But now it seems there is a new enough is enough - I literally do not have the physical / mental resources anymore, and so now i have to find a way to restore myself without retaining the protective mechanisms I have adopted as I see that those are not sustainable or healthy either.
your role in it all
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
So also, I want to add that while it's been tough, I'm glad that I've been awakened to taking my responsibility for my part and role in this. It's been a tough pill to swallow, but I can see now that I'd rather know this, work to change and be the best person I can be. If you've ever read Mark Manson's 'Subtle Art of not giving a f**k' book, it's a hard read, but really, really good and transformative (in my opinion) in regards to self development. Just knowing and accepting that you can literally die at any given moment in life, it will cause you to have a closer look at your own behaviour and if you are living in your values. It sounds like you aren't. This is also tough work but also necessary work. Anywhoos, when I started accepting that I'm going to die and I only too, have one life... why the HELL am I do SO MUCH for everyone else but myself?!?!?!?!
And that led me to learn about, work on and see my part for myself wihthin a codependant relationship. That's where I've gotten to. I wanted to put it down as food for thought. it's a really really tough pill to swallow but if you have that type of childhood experiences with your father and sister... then absolutely there are behaviours and patterns that you have picked up along the way (specifically to protect yourself!) and they are playing out now in your engagement with your spouse.
For me, I married my mother. yeah, it's a weird one to admit outloud but someone once said 'you marry your unfinished business'. And that's what it sounds like from what you wrote - perhaps its something to start to consider and work thorugh with a therapist (if you can) or even if you can read some free resources on codependancy... they can really help guide you through this.
Just so I'm clear, I am 100% NOT blaming you for having anxiety - it sounds like your coping mechenism from childhood because you find yourself in familiar patterns.
one life to live
Submitted by Haveaniceday on
and to continue, this is the feeling I have, I'm more than half way through my life (if I'm lucky and get to live a full life). I see that until my dysfunctional coping mechanisms are really deeply dealt with, I won't thrive in this marriage, or in any other marriage for that matter. I married a combination of my father and mother, mixed with a character in my spouse that is unique and essentially a very good person. I see that it's karmic in a way, why I had the distinct feeling of "he feels like home" when i met him. It is literally all the dysfunction from my childhood rolled into one. Add to that a ADHD child, a foreign country which is insanely complicated and in another language, no family support, financial constraints, and very little possibility for me to recharge myself in the ways I would have and did back in my home country.
2025 will have to be the year that I urgently find ways to replenish myself whilst simultaneously and radically saying NO to anything that anyone can or should do for themselves. It's going to have to be radical, and I'm going to have to face my codependency / self-sacrifice schema demons big time.
Getting out of the house
Submitted by Haveaniceday on
Swedish Coast, yes, I do think I need more time away from the house. I'm very good at making and keeping social connections, and I really need this for my happiness. I've decided to get away for a girls week next year, which will only be the 2nd time I've ever gone away and left them to fend for themselves. They will be fine, but I think I will come back to a bit of a mess and undone things. I'll have to accept it.
I am also considering going back to studying part time, although it's a mix of excitement and fear when I think of it. I hardly have enough energy as it is, how will i have the time and strength to do it? But if I don't do something to further myself I really have not fulfilled my potential and its becoming unbearable.
2025 is my year to reconnect with that person I was before all of this.
Thank you for sharing your perspective, it helps so much!
Studying makes for independence
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Good for you.
Studying and advancing professionaly has been the best way for me to reach independence. It's been sound financially. It's also provided a sense of purpose and even comfort. It's comforting to be able to slip into a textbook. One can concentrate for hours on entirely different matters than housekeeping and why one's marriage is so unhappy.
You're thinking strong constructive thoughts. This will all be good for your future, I'm sure.