Hi everyone hope this is the right place. I'm looking for some help. My marriage is at breaking point at this moment in time. When I first meet my partner she had undiagnosed ADHD and her son also ( he was 3 at the time ) . Jump a few years ahead and they were both diagnosed with combined ADHD. We now have a child together now so their are 4 of us.
Last week my wife wanted to talk and said that she wanted to separate because she was fantasising about someone she see on our holiday in September and she said it didn't feel right being together at this moment in time. She said she didn't know if it was something she wanted or a phase of her ADHD that she had previously had in the past. She said she has masterbated over him 3 times since we have been back. Once as soon as we arrived home which she thought nothing off it. Then twice just over a week ago. She didn't want to keep it from me that's why she told me so she could try and figure this out.
For the past 5 years I have struggled with her son ( my none biological son ) and he's ADHD. She has nagged me over the years to sort myself out and give him the care that he needs. I would be ok for a few weeks then would go back to normal telling him off and not giving him the proper care a child with ADHD needed and treated him like a child without ADHD as I have 3 other children from a previous relationship.
The last two days I have listen to both of Melissa's books. I can resonate with nearly everything in the books to my wife parenting me etc and one story that upset me so much because it describe everything my wife has said to me about the way I have been by not doing as much housework etc and pulling my weigh and leaving her to deal with everything. I believe that I too may have ADHD but only the inattentive type. But listening to these has made me realise that I now at 36 know myself. Because Iv just been plodding through life and accepting everyday for what it is.
When speaking to my wife about it she just says you probably don't have it you just show some symptoms and seems annoyed that I'm hyperfocusing on the issue.
I don't know what to do to try and save my marriage because it seems that I'm trying and after a week my wife is getting cross and annoyed at me for trying to talk to her about it. Which I though she would of been caring and helpful over this but she has been the opposite.
Evaluation?
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I'm sorry about this.
If you think you have ADHD, is it maybe a good idea to get a professional evaluation as soon as possible? I don't think you should listen to your wife when it comes to your possible diagnosis, she might not be capable of giving thoughtful advice since everything is so turbulent at the moment.
I'd prioritize evaluation as soon as possible, since it's important to you whatever the future of the marriage. If you do have ADD, that will also put a new thing on the table in your marriage and you and your wife will need to make new considerations.
It sounds like your wife is very spontaneous - telling you of her erotic fantasies about somebody else instead of addressing any issues in your marriage that may need attention.
Melissa's courses would be helpful for your marriage i imagine, if your wife is willing to do the work. It seems it's always about whether our partner is able or willing to do the work. Sadly, all evidence on this forum seems to say we have very little influence over this.
I wish you all the best.
Thank you
Submitted by ADHD1488 on
Thank you
My Wife can be spontaneous thats one thing I love about her and her ADHD. Don't get me wrong she has told me so many times over the years what the problems are but I think it's the parenting that she has been doing and iv let her do over the years I have not listen to her like people with ADHD and people with ODD do.
I don't think my wife has done anything wrong and don't blame her. For her having to deal with her ADHD, our sons ADHD and having to parent me aswell, she is also a pharmacist so having a stressful job dosnt help. I think she is the most amazing person in the world for doing what she has done. But over the years we have become distant and now ended up here. But like people with ADHD I think it's where they always leave things until the last minute to do something about it is where I'm at now. I have been asked and told so many times but have failed to do so. I can only blame myself for my own actions but was hoping as she has it she would be more understanding. But it may be the resentment at the moment is why I don't think she is understanding.
Maybe in time with me trying to address my issue as best as I can we can work something out.
May I also add that in my
Submitted by ADHD1488 on
May I also add that in my previous relationship I had the same issue with being parented and being told the same. But that relationship ended because I couldn't stand being cheated on anymore.
My wife and son are both medicated but on both holidays this year they were both off their medication and we argued so much. I felt so stressed trying to cope with them not on medication. I'm not saying this is the reason why we are here at this point but as my problem to not able to cope with them not on their meds.
When I'm on my own with our son on a Sunday he's perfectly fine thought the day. But when mum comes home from work in the evening and our son has had he's evening medications to calm him down he get so hyper I keeps asking he's mum for stuff and she keeps saying no about 5/6 times then giving in. This frustrates me because she's told him no as it's bedtime but then gives in to he's behaviour and says you need to let things go. But I see it as he isn't keeping to a routine because him not being in bed at 8 he's staying up until about 9/9:30 and by this time my wife is tired then wants to go to bed and I don't see her.
Well at least you are communicating....
Submitted by c ur self on
The second part of your story is probably a big part of the first part of your story....Every man or women we meet that we have an instant attraction to is perfect!...Thus the masterbating w/ him in mind....We don't see their issues as real human's (selfishness, terrible spouse's, parents, it's a perfect fantasy land) It's also evident she is disappointed in your abusive treatment of the child (Her child!)....Why would a wife tell her husband she is having fantasy sex w/ another man, unless she is hoping to give him a reason to leave her?? I'm not saying don't believe her...But, it's obvious there is a lot uncaring and unrespectful living and dialog going on...Most mother's will protect their children's environment even if it cost them a spouse...Children need love and discipline...I think you and your wife should come to some agreements about boundaries...You must be allowed to properly discipline the child, in order to show it responsible love...If she is against it, then it will be hard to bond, and if you stay in this marriage she will need to do all the disciplining of her biological child...Family counselling is probably a great option for you guy's...Your not the only one's with these struggles...
UPDATE
Submitted by ADHD1488 on
I have found out that she started talking to the person she was fantasying over 2 days before we separated and turns out she has done this with him before many years ago before we met.
She is telling me he lives in another country and what she is doing isn’t wrong. She’s acted on a fantasy weather he’s in another country or not. I feel like she doesn’t want me but doesn’t want me to leave so she doesn’t have to look after the kids on her own etc. I have had this in the pass but because she has told me and been honest about it apart from the 2 days before and was talking to him and that she already knew him which I think is making it even worse. I got upset last night and she cuddle me I was ok. Then she woke up just before I was leaving for work today and cuddled me again as I slept on the sofa last night, but I felt disgusted at the though that she may have masterbate over him last night then down here cuddling me before work.
any advice would be much appreciated
Do what you have to do....
Submitted by c ur self on
Real love is easy....It's two people fully respectful of one another, sharing faithfully, lovingly, and honorably in this life together...Demand for yourself a healthy environment, if that mean's alone, then so be it....There is never a good reason to allow ourselves to be used and manipulated, because we make someone else's life easy!....That is mental and emotional abuse....I don't mean not do the right thing for children....But children must have safe environments, so the adults must be safe people, w/ honorable actions towards one another....
c
ADHD1488
Submitted by J on
"Then she woke up just before I was leaving for work today and cuddled me again as I slept on the sofa last night, but I felt disgusted at the though that she may have masterbate over him last night then down here cuddling me before work."
I'm not a an expert on this subject, nor, do I pretend to be but, as I read this last sentence a few things came to mind. I have come to my own personal thoughts on matters like these which I don't assume are shared by everyone. Having said that, I have a few questions to learn how others feel.
I'm not fully understanding why you feel disgusted? It's not what I'd be feeling given the circumstances.
Question: if you've ever viewed Porn ( erotica ) for the sane purpose, then is this disgusting to you as well ? I'm not assuming it isn't in other words.
If it's not however, then why is one disgusting and the other isn't? Fair question. If you're compartmentalizing erotica thoughts about other women while masterbating, then why is it disgusting when she's doing the same?
Or, is it disgusting that's its with this guy that she knows from an emotional stand point? She has feelings for?
To me, that's different than viewing images of strangers with no emotional attachment involved. That really just compartmentalizing an orgasm from emotional feelings and keeping them separate. There's no love or emotions involved.
What I'm hearing are two different things. Her cuddling is about her intimate feelings for you. Her materbates to an idea or image in her head to achieve an orgasm is just that. It's not an emotional thing? Or could it be both? I don't know? I guess it could be?
I'm saying this because my last girlfriend had an interesting situation involving sex. Since she had been sexually abused...to have an orgasm, she had to compartmentalize in her head, have sex with someone else that wasn't me to have an orgasm. She called it, going to her dark place. I never asked her to tell me what that was which was fine with me. I didn't want to know. But it was also okay with me if that's what was needed to enjoy sex. There were times when she didn't need am orgasm and allow me to which meant she was mentally "with me" during those times. But it was either one or the other...not both at the same time.
That seems to me, in a way, like you having sex with your wife while she's fantasizing about this other guy in order to have an orgasm like my last girlfriend did ? ( perhaps ? )
What made the difference for me was my last girlfriend actually explained this to me and why. ( the sex abuse ) I could wrap my head around it in a way I could understand and separate these things from "that" and me. It really wasn't a terrible thing and because she enjoyed it, that made it better for me too. It wasn't "another guy" in our bed, it was just image from her imagination to make her aroused. Just the same as porn.
For me, I personally didn't find it disgusting and for the most part, found it to be a positive experience? I always felt closer and it was mutually rewarding. It was definitely different ( as I hadn't experienced that exactly before ) but it wasn't a bad thing.
Your wife's behavior is what I'm looking at...and her behavior still looks like she wants to be close and near you? Just a thought.
If she actually has feelings for this guy and would rather be with him and intends to at some time ( in person )...that's an entirely different story. In that case...I'd be hurt and angry not disgusted.
It was that fact that my wife
Submitted by ADHD1488 on
It was that fact that my wife has been talking to this person aswell which I found out the day before, I have no problem with her fantasying if it's just that but she acted on it is the problem.
My wife has never had a problem having an orgasm with me and even saying my name when at climax so I don't think their is a problem with that. She has said that I'm emotionally and intimately the best she's had. I know she's not lying because her ADHD or autism doesn't allow her to lie even white lies that's why she has been so honest about everything.
We spoke last night on the bed cross legged opposite each other and I got upset when we was talking. She cuddled me by basically sitting in my lap for about 5/10 minutes until I felt ok about our convosation and after that she said she need some time on her own as by sitting how she did she got very aroused and said it was to soon for us to be intimate because of the way she felt but jokes at least it would be over me this time.
I have to see this as a positive dont I ?
Maybe if we was intimate last night that would have brought us closer and start to bring our connection back that we have lost ?
My wife also said what she is going through could be Hypersexuality or escapism with her ADHD?
Sex out of context....
Submitted by c ur self on
Sex (intimacy) between men and women will always open up hurt and pain when the purity of the Creator's purpose for it is defiled my our minds....Attempting to understand what each others carnal minds are willing to justify, just becomes a smorgasbord of pain and emotional dysfunction...All the things you are feeling are true to your nature as a man, just like her's would be if you were the one openly professing these same acts of marital betrayal.....