Hi - i decided to sign up here because it's Christmas and I'm at a loss. We have two young children (about to be 3 and 5) and it seems like all the strategies, and truth be told all of my life, now revolves around my partner (ADHD) and his needs. I just can't see how this works with children -- years before the diagnosis I told him that I was getting emotionally drained and wouldn't be able to keep going. And just like the book describes, I couldn't. I got really sick, I got depressed, I was angry and all the while trying to be the consistent (in all ways) parent to our children. I finally discovered that he might fit this diagnosis and thank god he was very accepting, got diagnosed, medicated and is finally, a year later, connected to a therapist he likes to and we have a couples therapist we both like. But I tried to cancel Christmas. It all felt so pretend so fake -- we have no sense of our finances, careers are shaky (his because he's discovered why he hates work so much and resigned, and mine because I started working part time in order to run the household and recover my health) and he wanted to leave it all to the last minute. Didn't want to take about traditions or values or other important things that children need and deserve.
I feel like all we do is have conversations to resolve conflict (specifically about his outbursts), fight in front of the kids, then I just keep trying to keep things together for them, and then I recover myself in order to do it all again that night or, at best, the next morning. As a part of our cycles, he'll pull up his socks and does amazing for a week or two, and I just relax because I deserve it too, then burns out and I'm on the marathon again.
There is nothing left in me to enjoy celebrating the season, we are cut off from friends, and all the normal ADHD marriage challenges PLUS the unique (right??) layer of challenges of trying to raise children who I hope to god will somehow grow to be somewhat well adjusted.
I don't know if this is the right place, it seems that most here don't have young kids. I need to be understood, and in need some serious help for my children's sake. I don't want to leave him, I love him and he's committed to working on things. He's a generous loving and fun human being. He's terrifically smart and he loves me. I need help. He keeps bringing up leaving for my and the children's sake. Help. Please.
Your own friends and interests
Submitted by Swedish coast on
This sounds so hard and you've done much already (diagnosis, treatment, counseling). I feel for you. Having children that age is trying for anybody too since they need so much of you.
The best professional advice I ever had in a difficult ADHD marriage was to add pleasure of my own to family life. We couldn't see people either because of husband's social anxiety and my resulting anxiety, shame and overwhelm. It wrecked me.
But there are things for only you to enjoy.
Is it possible to reach out for old or new personal friends and maybe relatives? If your husband is good with the kids, could you use that for getting out of the house? Girls' getaways are precious. A weekend at a friend's, or a small trip with an aunt, or going out of town to hike, or for cultural experiences, or to a spa is a good way to start. Then you need to refill your cup with something daily. I've refreshed myself enormously by taking up a sport which kept me away from home several nights a week. Walking regularly with a neighbor dog owner for hours was also immensely invigorating (and could be done after children's bedtime).
I know, one doesn't want to spend time away from the children. Who prioritizes like this with children 3 and 5 years of age? But in exceptional circumstances it's necessary to save their mother's spirit and heath and that must come first. If you can have joy and fulfillment from elsewhere, that might save your marriage. And even if it doesn't, you have tried this important step. It will restore your energy, your best self and make you prepared for challenges in the future.
I'd advise you to go against every perception we have of a good mother for now and instead choose joy for yourself for a while. Children need a mother in good emotional shape more than most things.
Is it possible to make a list of everything that's ever brought you joy and start to retrieve those things? It might be something small like your favorite color on something, your preferred brand of coffee, anything. A collection of your preferences to reach for on bad days.
Best of luck. I know this might be terribly hard, but I think you can have a life you enjoy.