I'm new to this site, and as I read posts, I kept thinking, yes, yes. From Melissa's list of ADD-impacted marriages, I would think that my husband suffers from ADD. He has read that & some of the posts and agrees. It's important to me to understand, as I'm coming close to separation/divorce--total exhaustion of taking on all the responsibilities for both our lives. We are in our late 60s and I just do not have the physical energy any more. There do seem to be some ways in which he departs from the "norm": Thankfully, he is not financially irresponsible, though his oldest son is (late 40s from a previous marriage) and would borrow and not repay as much as he could get away with, if I didn't put my foot down. (I seem to be both the father and mother in this marriage). I think my spouse is very honest. If asked a question directly, he will reply honestly. If I am not direct, he can be quite evasive. Secondly, he is extremely introverted (I've searched the site for this subject, but all the 'introverted' people seems to be non-ADD spouses). We have no friends as a couple, nor does he have any friends himself . I am introverted rather than extroverted (INFJ for Myers-Briggs fans), but need and enjoy time spent with good friends. Spouse happily spends 24/7 (other than irregular sleep & some chores) on his computer. I was feeling so lonely and isolated since I retired that I've reactivated friendships with women and am trying to make new ones (looking after myself). Spouse encourages this. When I get home after a pleasant evening out with a friend, I feel so good--it's so good to have someone to talk to, laugh with, but I no longer feel married--whatever that means. I wish my possibly ADD-afflicted husband had some of the 'fun-loving' attitudes that seem to be the 'norm'. I'm tired of trying to arrange 'dates' where I get to do the work, suggest places, buy tickets, make sure we get there on time etc--it's easier to go out with friends. Also my friends are interested in me and vice versa, whereas spouse is not really interested in other people at all, and makes no secret of it. We have tried marriage counselling: #1 made things worse by directing all conversation to me (like my spouse wasn't in the room), and #2 helped by teaching us 'dialogue' method which we still sometimes use for communicating. No 2 also wondered aloud whether spouse had a neurological problem, as some part of his body was always twitching. Anyway, any feedback would be much appreciated.
Not sure whether spouse has undiagnosed ADD
Submitted by frodo on 07/31/2010.
Better late than never
Submitted by callmesusan on
Frodo, My husband is 59 and recently diagnosed. Our husbands sound similar in character. It was a relief for both of us to learn that he has ADD. It helped me to know there was a very good reason why I felt overwhelmed and lonely. We are working on the marriage with a good therapist (finally a good therapist!) and reading Married to Distraction has been VERY helpful. It requires daily diligence from both of us.
It's good that you are reconnecting with friends. Husbands don't really make very good girlfriends, although mine will try if I need him to. Would your husband be open to working on the two of you reconnecting now that you are retired? Getting a copy of Married to Distraction would be a good place to start, even for yourself if your husband is reluctant.
I never know till I try
Submitted by frodo on
Thanks for your post, knittergirl. Is your husband also very introverted? Mine is definitely not a "flying off the walls" type; actually quite passive, except for angry outbursts. It would be helpful for me to connect with someone who has a similar ADD spouse, as they do seem to have significant differences within the syndrome.
I have already ordered "Delivered from Distraction" for both of us, as it seems to be very positive towards the ADD person. I will also now order "Married to Distraction" for myself.
As to reconnecting again: to him that seems to mean much more physical contact (including hugs and sex), and to me it means more talking and companionship. Unfortunately, I have to initiate all changes (except sex), and this wears me down. Just yesterday, at my suggestion, he put an hourly pop-up reminder on his computer to find me to say hello. This is a breakthrough! We'll see how long it lasts.
How did you find a good marital counsellor without breaking the bank? I'm assuming it is someone who knows about ADD, as well as couple counselling.
Thanks.
Finding a good counselor
Submitted by callmesusan on
How to find a good counselor is a good question. We just happen to have this counselor fall to my husband while he was participating in an intensive out-patient treatment program for severe/recurrent depression. It was this counselor, during a couples counseling session, who suggested my husband has ADD. The counselor has ADD himself that was only diagnosed 10 years ago. Perhaps having ADD himself helped him to see the behavioral patterns in my husband/our marriage. You might try calling the behavioral health department of a hospital near you or, better yet, a mental health hospital, and ask for a recommendation of someone with ADHD experience. Beware of counselors who say they treat ADHD but are not really experienced at all, especially with adult ADHD.
My husband has ADHD-inattentive type. He is introverted and very LOW energy. When we were in college, this man could not get through a sink of dishes without needing a nap in the middle of the job. He is quiet, considerate of boundaries, and kind. But little things irk him (like people who ride their bikes on the sidewalk or wrong side of the road--he's a cyclist--he will comment with disgust everytime; or, the way people drive--he's a menace himself) and he will go on and on about it until his tail gets in a knot.
I think his ADHD went undiagnosed for so long BECAUSE he is not hyper. He was never a pest at school as a boy, but always was achieving poorly compared to his IQ, which is rather healthy. He isn't a spender, thank goodness so he hasn't spent us into the poor house. But the ADD has taken it's toll on his career, me, and our marriage.
What I have learned is that it is all ADHD: one can be hyper physically but in some, like my husband, it is only the mind that goes mile a minute. He is very distractable. Today I asked him to do something for me (close the blinds) and then I made the fatal mistake of asking if the tinkling I just heard was his phone or mine before the blinds got closed (we had workers in the backyard and I was scantily clad.) I ended up sneaking into my room and letting the blinds down myself, while he was completely distracted with the phone issue. He procrastinates, and I dread when he offers to do a project around the house, because I know it will never get completely finished. Fortunately for me, he is not one to like to do house-type projects. I learned after 25 years of marriage and various issues that we do better if we hire people, although he usually doesn't see why I just don't allow him to do the job. sigh.
But? things are looking up for us since the diagnosis. I was ready to call it quits out of complete frustration and exhaustion. I don't feel like that today. Tomorrow? ...
I think it is great that your husband set a reminder to give you attention. That's all we want now, eh? Companionship with the person whom we share so much history? Maybe your husband will read Married to Distraction with you. My husband and I take turns reading it to each other at night before lights out. It allows us to reflect on our relationship and discuss (connection here!!!) where we are going wrong and how to help it get going right. I am learning to nicely say, "Will you put that magazine down and spend a few moments with me?" I'm a lucky girl because he will always say yes. I'm learning to recognize my need and ask for what I want. It's working much better.
Quiet non-spending ADD
Submitted by frodo on
Thanks so much, knittergirl. I couldn't help laughing about your asking him to do a second thing before the first was completed. I have done that one so many times, with the same results. No wonder we are so exhausted--have to remember everything for 2 people. Sometimes it's hard to remember just what I'm doing!
Unfortunately, we live in a very old house, so there is lots of 'handyman' work. Guess who is the handyman. I hire someone if we can afford it, but mostly I have taken carpentry workshops etc so I can do it. Once when there was a shout to me that the sink was blocked, I stupidly said 'well, call a plumber'. So he called the first plumber in the yellow pages, without asking cost details. And it cost us almost $200 for a 15 minute visit. But I refuse to take plumbing workshops!
I can relate to the driving problems also. I don't drive, so am reliant on hubby. So I've learnt to mention in a very matter-of-fact tone if a light is red or there's a stop sign ahead, and he isn't slowing down. Every once in a while, he thanks me, and every once in a while, he hates my back-seat driving. Every once in a while, I sit beside him in the car with my eyes closed and I hope for the best. He has never been in a serious accident yet... And there is always public transit.
Yes, the computer message seems to be working so far. Apart from liking more attention, I think it is good for him to get off the computer every hour, even if for a few minutes.
I'm so glad that things are going more smoothly for you now though, don't I know it, the future is unpredictable. I like the idea of reading 'Married to Distraction' to each other. I find it very hard to get any routine going for us. I try to go to bed at the same time each night, and turn the light off at the same time, but I've given up on getting him into bed at the same time. If I waited for him, I'd be up half the night. We did establish a 'talk time', right after dinner; that lasted exactly 2 days.
I'm going to call our local psychiatric hospital tomorrow to see if I can link us up with an ADD specialist. Maybe in our late 60s it's harder to make changes, but we have to before I drop dead of exhaustion.