Submitted by guiltridden on 07/31/2010.
I have recently started on meds for my ADHD. I am 52 and have been married to my wife for 21 years. About a month before finding out that I had ADHD, my wife had enough and told me she wanted a divorce. She feels angry, lonely and like she lost all love for me. At this point we have not filed for a divorce and are still living together with our four childern. My question is how do I get my wife to come to this site to get a better understanding of what she and myself are going thru. As for myself I love my wife deeply and feel nothing but guilt and shame for putting her thru this for 21 years. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks, Dave
That was me
Submitted by Clarity on
and I just wanted to be left alone. So much so I moved into the attic. I cried for months because there is no money for divorce and I can't support myself. It's been over a year now and the space helps me cope. I told him I had enough of his talking, that he had to start doing the right thing. He will take his meds but he won't counsel, it's not enough. It's very sad for everyone involved... Maybe you could leave a short book for her to browse through? I think she's very hurt, I know I still am.
Do all that you can for yourself first!
Submitted by wagnerism on
My bias - non-ADHD spouse. I may be projecting what I hope my wife will do in our situation.
You may want to get some therapy/counseling too - individually for sure and hopefully together. ADHD creates/exacerbates other issues in its course that are not addressed by diagnosis or treatment. No matter what, you will always benefit from the work you do for yourself.
I recommend that you actively address "words versus actions." My wife has promised me wonderful things after big fights and I believe that she believes them, but I doubt her ability to follow through. I know she's working on this and my accepting this about her helps me to be patient. Your wife is not yet open to that understanding, so you only have your actions.
If your medications and therapy work wonders for you, don't announce it - show her by being the spouse you want to be. If she took up the slack with the kids, take a task or two back as a pleasant surprise to her. A nice gradual assumption of tasks on a consistent basis is much better than a burst of energy that burns out. Get her to appreciate you by being someone that she can count on to help. If she is counting on you and you slip, be the first to tell her you slipped and try to get back on track. Just being aware and communicating that you slipped could be huge.
Telling her about it and showing her this site could be construed as an excuse for your past and future behavior. She doesn't want to feel angry and lonely. Showing her that you have a involuntary cause for all of it may make her feel worse about her negative emotions, or it could inspire hopelessness that you'll have cause to act this way forever. Show her that you're doing better!
Hard work
Submitted by callmesusan on
Hard work is your hope. You have to work hard on yourself. Get into individual counseling and eventually, hopefully, she will enter into couples counseling with you. Take medication if it is suggested. TIO! Turn. It. Off. The computer, the TV, the phone, evening work, all of it. Give her your attention. Play a game with your family. Read to your kids--even your big kids. If you are like my ADD husband, you are pretty wrapped up in your own little world and there is only room for one person there: YOU. After 35 years of marriage, I was done. I think I know how your wife feels. I felt completely alone and lonely. I was pissed off! I was done.
You have four kids who need their mom to be happy. They need their dad in the home. They need their dad to be present for them. She needs you to be present.
I can tell you that since the ADD diagnosis a couple of months ago, things have improved and I have renewed hope for a happier marriage. I am learning to ask for his attention. I am learning that his "ignoring me" is a manifestation of the ADHD, and that if I simply ask him to put the magazine down and turn toward me, he will. Since the diagnosis and learning about ADHD we both know what is going on that keeps us from connecting: DISTRACTION. So, I notice what I need, I notice when I feel ignored, and ask him to turn his attention to me. I am learning to not take his ADD behaviors personally now that I have some knowledge. I am learning to pay attention to what I need. He is now aware of how his ADD behaviors impact my life and our relationship. We are both learning (and using) strategies that are helping us move toward a more effective and rewarding relationship.
With help, you can do this! You NEED to do this because you have four kids who need your attention, too!! Dude. Trust me. Get a timer, alarm, whatever and set it to go off every 15 minutes while you are home. When it goes off, drop what you are doing and turn toward your wife. Turn toward your kids. Give her a hug--if she will let you! When you are at work set the timer to go off a couple times and send your wife a short "thinking of you" email, call her, send a text message. Let her know you are thinking about her. Let her know (by your actions!!!) that you are seriously working on your ADHD issues. That's it. That's what we want. Then maybe she will come around a bit and be willing to work on the issues that are disrupting your marriage. Read the book, Married to Distraction. My husband and I have been reading it to each other. He is reading Delivered from Distraction. I read it too when I can get my hands on it. The information provides me relief, understanding.
The first/best advice my husband got was to get a smart phone. He got one that very day and it has made a huge difference for both of us. EVERYTHING goes into the phone. And he has alarms going off all day long reminding him what he needs to do, including sending me text messages!
I hope that even one word here might help. Good luck to you and your wife. I know you are both in a very bad place, but there is hope if you are willing to work.
Anger
Submitted by guiltridden on
Thanks for the advice. I am in counceling, my wife came on the first visit only to tell the therapist she was there to help with my relationship with my children. She told the therapist she wasn't interested in working on us. In the last couple weeks when I told her I had a appointment with the counceler, she asks if he ever asked me if he wanted her to attend. I am not sure how to respond to this question when she already told the therapist she wasn't interested in coming. Should I ask her if she wants to come or wait til she asks to come?
Also, when I slip up her immediate response is anger. What can I do to defuse the situation?
hard to defuse at this point
Submitted by arwen on
Based on the way you've described your marital situation, it's probably going to be extremely difficult, possibly impossible, to defuse your wife's anger -- at least, in the immediate future. She's got years of built up fear, frustration, despair, and being fed up, and she remembers every bad thing that happened -- your ADHD makes it easy for you to forget things, so it may be difficult for you to appreciate what a heavy load those memories are for her. (And it's not like she is hanging on to them because she wants to -- in all probability, you can't remember, and she can't forget.)
Having been where your wife is (except we had two kids instead of four), my best suggestion is to sincerely and profusely apologize when you slip up, tell her what you're going to do about it to fix the specific problem you caused, think about what you can do to prevent the slip-up in the future, figure out how to make that happen, and tell your wife of your plans -- and then actually implement the plans. I know, that's very very very hard. Maybe you can't do that right at this point in your treatment. My ADHD husband couldn't when he started treatment, either. But I think if you can work towards this approach, you will eventually make progress with your wife's anger, as my husband was able to do.
Regarding your wife going to counseling with you -- generally speaking, I think it does more good for the couple to get counseling together than separately. But your wife's question may not be an indication that she is interested in doing that. She may want to simply know exactly what she has asked you -- has the counselor said that he would like her to attend? It's a simple yes or no -- either he has said he would like her to attend or he hasn't. On the other hand, it's possible that she's been doing some reading on her own, and is beginning to realize that maybe things would be better if she attended -- but she doesn't want to do so if the counselor doesn't think it's a good idea.
My suggestion would be to start with just giving her the simple answer to her question -- yes, the counselor has said he would like her to attend, or no, the counselor hasn't said that -- and then ask if she wants you to raise this question with the counselor. By putting it that way, you are not asking her if she wants to attend (which might anger her, since she has said she doesn't want to), but you also leave the door open if she would like to change her mind.
You are in a tough situation right now, but as knittergirl says, with a lot of hard work you *can* make it through. My husband and I were separated five years ago after 30 years of marriage (he was diagnosed 15 years ago), but we found ways to deal with his ADHD issues and the problems it caused between us, and now we have a strong, happy marriage again. It was a lot of really hard work -- but when you have that many years invested in the relationship, we felt (and still feel) it was worth the effort. Good luck!
"It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be." Albus Dumbledore
ashamed of myself
Submitted by guiltridden on
Thanks for taking the time to respond. You are exactly right, I remember to little and she remembers everything. A couple nights ago this was the subject of a three hour discussion. She would bring up something I either did or said, if I remembered or did not remember my response was the same, I told her I was sorry and ashamed of myself for putting her thru so much pain for so long. The therapist did tell her on her first visit he would like to see her by herself if for no other reason to come to terms with her anger because whether we are married or not with the kids being involved we have to learn to deal with my adhd. Being new to these forums I'm not sure if I'm doing this right but after reading all these responses from non-adhd spouses if it wasn't for the fact that I have always respected and loved my wife deeply I would just let her go because she has endured enough pain for a lifetime. All that I have been working on with my therapist so far is trying to get me to come to grips with the guilt and shame I have for putting her thru this for so long. At this point the guilt and shame is unbearable most days. When I sense she is frustrated I respond by saying I know I'm high maintenance and that I am trying. All of what is going on with me right now is I want and need the opportunity to repay her for all the hurt I have inflicted on her, I know if we get divorced this will leave a void in my heart that will never heal. For all the non adhd spouses out there who have endured what my wife has God love's you. I will never stop working on myself, this is only part of my journey not my destination. Thanks, Dave
don't be ashamed of what you could not control
Submitted by arwen on
Dave, even though I don't have ADHD, I can understand how miserable a person can feel about things they've done that they realize later on hurt someone. But I don't think you or anybody should ever feel ashamed of what you could not or cannot totally control! I have asthma. I do everything I can to make sure I don't trigger an asthma attack -- but sometimes things happen that are outside my control and there's nothing I can do to stop an asthma attack from happening. I don't feel ashamed of that, it's just what I was born with. And you should not feel ashamed of being born with an ADHD brain.
There are things you can control about your ADHD, but there are also things you can't control. You have no way to change the brain you were born with, but you may be able to change and better control how it works to some degree through meds and counseling and working to learn new and better habits. You can't change the fact that the brain you have makes it harder to remember things, but you can at least partially control how much you lose track of by using memory tools like PDA's or post-it notes or whatever else helps remind you of what you can't remember.
I don't think anyone with ADHD should be ashamed of having a poor memory, or impulsiveness, or other inherent ADHD characteristics -- they should only be ashamed if they don't try to do something about the negative impacts that their poor memory (or impulsiveness, or whatever) may be having on other people. And you can only do something about having a negative impact on others if you know what the problem is! If you choose not to learn about the problems, if you choose not to try hard to make things better -- then you should feel ashamed.
But that doesn't sound like what is happening with you. It sounds like you are trying to learn and make things better. If people told you that you needed to get help and you ignored them -- OK, maybe that's something to feel guilty about. But there's no shame in simply not knowing what was wrong or how to make it better.
Believe me, you will make mistakes as you try to work your way through coping with ADHD -- feel guilty about them when they happen. The journey you have started can be painful, but it can also have great rewards. But your journey will be unnecessarily harder if you carry around the heavy baggage of undeserved guilt.
Take a good, honest look at your past -- figure out where you really could have done things differently or better, and where you really couldn't have -- and only carry the load that you are truly responsible for.
Good luck!
"It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be." Albus Dumbledore
stop beating yourself up!
Submitted by blueroses4me on
As someone who has ADD and married to a man with severe AD/HD, I can seriously relate to how you are tormenting yourself with guilt. Those of us with AD/HD know this all too well. We are EXPERTS at it. Remorse is one thing, but continuing to chastise yourself is another.
One thing that is VERY important to remember when living with AD/HD: we do not have a very good "self-monitoring" system built in. By this, I mean, we don't usually realize when our behavior is having a negative effect on others. My husband constantly denies doing "anything wrong" when he hurts my feelings with his curt, rude remarks, or his irresponsibility, however, once he has taken his medication for that day--and it has had time to kick in--I do notice a difference in his ability to keep his "comments" in check. So there is something to this inability to "self-monitor" thing.
Also, now that you have been diagnosed, you will probably recognize this more, which alas, is a lot of the reason for beating yourself up. We can't take back the actions or words that hurt others, but we can take this day and try harder. Acknowledging when you know you crossed the line and to apologize as soon as possible, goes a long way in the "forgiving" category.
My husband and I have this problem. If the same behavior continues, without even so much as an "I'm sorry, I was seriously wrong," then all bets are off with me letting it go anytime soon. When I'm in throes of wanting to literally throw him out, I try to remember: IT'S HIS AD/HD THAT I HATE--NOT HIM! With that being said, and in all honesty, his AD/HD has admirable qualities, such as his great sense of humor--and this I love about him. It just takes some time to sort out how AD/HD can actually work for your/our benefit and not so much to your/our detriment.
With this being such a new diagnosis, it sounds like you are trying to deal with years of the effects of AD/HD, without sorting through exactly how AD/HD works. Understanding AD/HD can be overwhelming--especially for us AD/HD'ers! Be kind to yourself and remember that YOU ARE trying to become more aware of how your AD/HD affects you and your relationships.
One other thing. There are adult support groups that are very helpful and encouraging. When I was first diagnosed with ADD, I sat on the floor of my apartment and cried like a baby. It wasn't because I had been diagnosed with this "strange disorder" but that I had lived 33 years without knowing what the hell was wrong with me. I knew in that 33 years I had hurt a lot of my friend's feelings. I began attending an AD/HD ADULT support group meeting that allowed me to see that I was not alone in the baggage I carried because of my guilt. It was so supportive to see doctors, lawyers, teachers, mail carriers, construction workers, etc., all walks of life dealing with the same thing I was dealing with. Find a support group! You can go the CHADD (Children and Adults with AD/HD) website and find one where they have a support group strictly for adults. As a mother of two children with AD/HD, I do find that I concentrate on their AD/HD too much at times, while not working on mine. The group I attended would not even allow us to talk about our children with AD/HD. It was for us--the adults--who fell through the cracks with not being diagnosed earlier.
While it has been 14 years of knowing, I still sometimes get mad at having AD/HD, but then I look at all the creative things my mind can do!
Take care and be kind to yourself.
The guilt and shame are just
Submitted by SherriW13 on
The guilt and shame are just as vicious a cycle as the anger your wife is feeling. You have to learn to accept the past for what it is and make changes that you can be proud of now...otherwise you'll remain in the past for the rest of your life. My husband had so much guilt and shame that it defeated any 'good' he tried to do. ("why bother, I've already destroyed our marriage?")
Don't give up, no matter how bad things feel there is always hope. Focus on getting the help you need to become the person you want to be, that you will be proud to be, and no matter how things turn out, you can know you did your best with the information you had. Everything before now is the past...let it go and move forward. Don't see this as the end, see this as the beginning of something different..and much better and healthier. You truly are 1/2 way there by just being able to admit your responsibility for your actions. For that you deserve a lot of respect. Put your desire to change into action...your wife won't ignore it...words are cheap and meaningless in these situations.
Best of luck to you and your family!
Ashamed of myself...
Submitted by Fruitcake on
Please remember: Guilt implies intent. Did you intend to hurt her? Did you intend to have ADHD? Did you intend to drive the one person you love to this situation? I think your answers are No. Therefore your guilt is not earned. You don't have the right to it.
Shame is non-productive, shame will prevent you from moving forward both personally and together as it is selfserving and directly related to Guilt.
Live what you want. That way is the only way she will know if you are sorry. Let her grieve the loss of the years you have spent with ADHD damaging instead of supporting your marriage, it will take time, and she needs to grieve, the first stage of that is anger, after all, she has just been told that after all these years of dealing with it the self doubt the being told or thinking she is crazy, the struggling thinking something wasn't right but having nowhere to go with it, finally she has found validation - now she is angry, rally angry, but what you may not realize, she may not realize is that a lot of that anger is directed at herself, "Why didn't I act sooner" "Why didn't I see it" "Why did I let this happen, when I could see what it was doing to us/me?" Why did this happen to me?" "I didn't want this!" but most importantly "Why did I fall in love with him?"
She is angry not unintelligent, let her work on it, because the answer of course is because she loves you now and loved you then. Whether she is brave enough or determined enough to continue in the face of her own hurt and pain, is not for you to decide, it is for her to, it can only be her decision. You can let her know what you would like the chance to work towards, but it has to be her choice to join you. It is a new game, a new relationship, a new reality.
Tell her you were hiding.
Tell her you were afraid, you still are.
Tell her you were trying to run from the responsibility.
Tell her what you have heard your whole married life but could not understand (all the things she has been saying that apply) but now you can understand what she was saying and why, and HOW.
Write them down for yourself so that when the 'hyperfocus' wears thin you will still remember and act on them, tell her you will sign off on them, (but make sure you do not say things you do not mean) Actions - not intentions!
Keep her informed - write her letters. The old fashioned type - esp if you are not too good at them, effort = results. Tell her how you feel about yourself, about her, about your relationship, REFLECT her feelings her emotions.
And... look after yourself. First rule of first aide.
It's called remorse
Submitted by Clarity on
Deep regret or guilt for a wrong committed. At some point along the way my ADD husband recognized that his words and actions were the source of my frustration and I think that it was important for him to acknowledge that whatever his seemingly selfish intentions were. (My ADD hubby doesn't talk to anyone else like he talks to me and all that unprovoked anger did not make me feel very special. Just because he didn't mean it doesn't mean it didn't hurt.) I think a certain amount of remorse should be part of the process and progress.
Really, how can anyone know if Dave was hiding, afraid or running from responsibility or if his wife still loves him? How is shame self-serving? Isn't it an indication in one's heart that something is not right? Sorry, Fruitcake but, something about your post just rubs me wrong. I have innocently said things in ignorance without any intent to offend someone and managed to do just that. But, I quickly recognize it and do my best to apologize or make amends and am reminded to be more sensitive about that subject or my wording in the future.
Anyone dealing with ADD should be honest and sensitive to their spouse's wishes, keep heading in the right direction, with meds, good counsel and practical application, they should end up in a better place.
by Clarity. It is called Remorse.
Submitted by Fruitcake on
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Remorse Look up Remorse.
It would imply intent to act improperly - I do not believe ADHD people in general 'intend' to do harm, that of course is not an exclusive statement. Showing remorse or giving an apology would also mean an intent never to do it again - this I believe is a ridiculous thing to be asking an ADHD person to undertake, when their actions are often symptoms of their disorder, again not exclusively. This would be tantamount to a diabetic showing remorse for having a hypoglycemic reaction, showing remorse would be self deprecating as would apologizing for the 'hypo' as it will surely not be the last one.
Apologizing for any discomfort others may have felt while experiencing the person with diabetes in a hypo, may be socially appropriate - but to feel remorse and apologize for the hypo - no. This is the same for the person with ADHD, acting inappropriately is an ADHD response, not a choice - this is why ADHD persons can't just change it. How others feel about that response belongs to them.
A person should not have to apologize for having an illness or disorder. Nor should they be made to feel guilty for having it or it's impacts that are most often beyond their control.
Where people may need to apologize, may be areas such as not having acted on the information they were given sooner. (Something they could control)
For not seeking help when they knew there was something not right, for letting it continue. (again something they could have effected)
Not for saying the wrong things or not acting in a way that the other person thought they should. (Things they cannot control)
Think about this - Would you be asking a person with Tourettes not to say the wrong thing or not to speak at the wrong time and to apologize every time they did not? The inappropriateness of ADHD is much the same, it expresses itself differently, but the lack of control is the same, and until non-ADHDers learn this they themselves will not be able to move on or be an effective partner.
I need him to feel remorse
Submitted by Sueann on
My husband literally could have killed me with his ADD. He refused to work for 3 years and, although I kept our household together, I could not afford my meds, and me job did not offer insurance. HELL YES, I want him to remorseful. He didn't choose to have ADD, but he did choose to give in to it and not try to work. He has to have known it wasn't normal for an able-bodied college graduate to not work while his stroke-survivor wife had 2 jobs (3 for a while) and no medicine.
In the diabetes analogy, a diabetic knows they can't eat cake or skip their insulin. If they do those things and have a reaction, yes, they should be remorseful. My husband knew he should look for a job, not hang up on customers, etc. ADD or not, if he does things he knows he should not do he should be remorseful. If he tries to do what he should and does not quite succeed, that is another thing. If the spouse sees the ADD person trying, they can accept the occasional lack of success. It's the not trying, the "that's just the way I am and I can't change" that really makes it impossible for the other spouse to be happy with them.
You hit the nail on the
Submitted by Scarlet on
You hit the nail on the head. Yes, there are absolutely some things that an ADHD sufferer cannot control, but there are MANY things that they DO have control of. For example, my husband might forget to take out the trash, and that was completely out of his control. But when I ask him about it and he replies with a nasty remark and still refuses to do it when I remind him, that is something that he DOES have control over. Forgetting things is completely forgivable. But your behavior when reminded about the things you forgot...that is something that I absolutely believe you have control over. True, many ADHD sufferers have built up defense mechanisms to deflect frustrated family members/friends, but these defense mechanisms are not part of the disorder itself.
Reminding vs. Nagging
Submitted by Hoping4More on
This is an ongoing issue for me and my wife, and I have posted several times about it over recent months. I have yet to come up with a good solution. If I remind my wife of something, like the trash, before it absolutely NEEDS to occur, her reply is always "I'm planning to do it!" in an aggravated tone. She gets angry and insulted when I remind her, because she takes it to mean I don't think she will remember on her own. Which, based on my experience, is the most likely thing that will happen! But if I don't remind her, it's likely to be left undone.
I've tried including her in coming up with a solution that works. Like asking her if she would like me to remind her about certain things, whether she thought that would help. Her response is often - "Just treat me the way you would want to be treated." I don't find that very helpful, because if she were to say to me "Don't forget tomorrow is trash day" - I'd say "I won't" and leave it at that. But actually - if trash were my chore she wouldn't need to remind me because I wouldn't forget. Sigh.
I also agree with a poster in another thread that if I make it my responsibility to remind her, then it's still my responsibility. And I really do want to let her take FULL responsibility things she has agreed to take on. Lately I have found myself reminding her more and more often to go to the grocery store. I told her the other night that I was going to stop doing that - that I was going to leave it up to HER when to go. That I would say something like "We're going to be out of such and such in two days" - or whatever. And then leave it to her go go whenever. If we run out of stuff, it won't exactly be the end of the world. Wish me luck!
You hit the nail on the
Submitted by Fruitcake on
Yes true defense mechanisms are not a part of the disorder, they are a result of it, perhaps a lifetime of it, so will take a lot of time to relearn and a lot of patience, but they can be re-learnt, it may take years to re-learn though. Depends on the person and their personal situation. A limp may be a result of a car accident, learning to walk again may take a lot of time and effort and pain... worth doing though. Demonstrating that it can be done is important. Otherwise some will not risk the pain for an outcome that they do not know will have some success.
Now you are talking :-) 'You'
Submitted by Fruitcake on
Now you are talking :-) 'You' need him to feel remorse, and that is ok you are perfectly entitled to want what 'you' need. Tell him that, tell him that you need him to show some form of remorse before you can move on, that 'you' need that to be able to heal.
The diabetes thing, I think you may have missed the point. A person with diabetes not eating cake is a choice, so is not to or to take their insulin - yes both have consequences, but they are chosen consequences, so therefore worthy of remorse. If on the other hand you were asking the person to show remorse for having diabetes or for the hot weather catching them out or for an unseen delay in a meal arriving causing a hypo or even their hormones having a holiday or going overboard causing it would you then expect remorse? ADHD is the disorder some of the things you have experienced are the reaction to the disorder. Where the problem lies is that we do not know exactly which reaction to attribute to what. We have not learnt the symptoms of the reaction in order to treat it appropriately, and I hear that in your posts. The huge question for most non-ADHDr's is "Do I have the right to be angry at this?" because if it was a non disordered person you would have the right, and you sure feel angry!!! And you want to be angry because this just is not fair, this is not how it was meant to be!!!
Well he feels the same way - but about himself. For him to show remorse you need to give him "permission" to do so, you are asking him to give you the most vulnerable, fragile part of himself and he has spent years, possibly a life time keeping that safe, with defenses and at times dangerous defenses, he is not going to give that to a person (any person) who is hostile or who he feels is not going to keep it safe. Do you understand what I am saying?
Look I understand your anger and your pain, I really do, but what I am trying to do is help you to use them effectively. I guess what you are looking for is validation of your way of life, and I am not offering you that, I am sorry because I know how much it means to have that validation.
Your pain and anger are valid, as are the many other emotions that come with having to accept the diagnosis of ADHD. You are both in pain and trying to heal - try to remember that, it matters.
Look, if there was a car accident and a person you knew well, came out of it with a damaged leg as a result, it would be that, a result. The pain and duration of recovery may be daunting but so worth doing to regain mobility even if not perfect. Well it is the same with ADHD, the ADHD is the accident, the resultant behaviors are the damage caused, with time and a lot of patience and some pain, perhaps even a lot, you will get a recovery, it may not be what you had hoped for but it will be much better. Firstly the person needs to know it is worth doing, worth the effort. Demonstrating success is important for ADHDr's. If the pain overwhelms the benefit it is not hard to guess that most people would not do it. Reduce the pain you will have more success. Let him know that 'no matter what' you will be there while he goes through it and you will have halved the pain.
Yes you need remorse, and so much more - you need love, and trust, and compassion, and hope, and fun, and happiness, and understanding, and validation, and honesty, and when he is feeling safe (emotionally) with you again and not afraid of himself and who he is, these things will come.
I actually HAVE been in such an accident
Submitted by Sueann on
You described exactly what happened to me. And you know what, I got a lawyer and made the person who hit me pay. It wasn't much for a lifetime of disability, but it made a difference.
Obviously, I can't make my husband pay for 3 years when I thought of nothing but him and how to help him, and had no help in the house, financially, or medically. and he thought of me not at all . What I need is assurance that he loves me and values me enough that he won't decide "oh, I don't need to work. Sueann will support me," like he did before. But I feel like remorse, or some other feeling that he does not like, is the only consequence that will make him do the unpleasant things of daily life, like working or changing the litterbox. If his life is fun and happy without meeting my needs, what motivation does he have to do so?
Intent
Submitted by Astrea on
My father in law was the victim of a hit and run. My mother in law was left to raise 2 kids under 5 alone, keep the family financially afloat and provide emotional support to her husband, who was wheel-chair bound before the age of 30. In the past thirty years, the ripple effect from that accident is still going. It's shaped my fiancee & his sister into the people they are today - and not all of that is good. My father in law has numerous health problems as a direct result of that accident that will affect him for the rest of his life. Everyone close to him has suffered some negative affect from this accident.
I'm pretty sure the guy who ran into my father in law didn't intend to run into him or ruin lives, but he did. And I'm pretty sure if he came forward now and said "I didn't mean to knock you off your bike" not one of us would say "Oh well that's okay then, as long as you didn't intend to do it."
Also, I had a classmate with Tourettes. Even though we all understood he had literally no control over some of the things he said, afterwards he was usually extremely remorseful and felt guilty.
Actions have consequences and those consequences need to faced up to. No matter what the intent is. I'm sorry but 'I didn't mean to' or 'I couldn't help it' is not a free pass.
feeling guilty
Submitted by Clarity on
should be explored, not ignored. If Dave is feeling guilty I would think it allows him to experience a certain amount of empathy for his wife who I'm thinking has felt very little of that. He is also able to recognize that his behavior has been inappropriate. Why tell him to not feel guilty? This just seems like the kind of logic I would use to enable my ADD husband to continue to happily say and do whatever he wants without ever understanding consequence. Are you actually implying that people with ADD are unable to learn what is acceptable behavior? I don't understand this line of thinking at all.
I completely agree...why
Submitted by SherriW13 on
I completely agree...why should a person be freed from ever feeling guilt or shame (or remorse) just simply because they have ADD? My husband has cheated..TWICE. The short version of the events leading up to both affairs (one was a one night stand, the other more recent one lasted 2 months) was we were at a point in our marriage where there was extremely high stress...he lost his job(not his fault), his mother's health did a nose dive and she was dying, we had been fighting for 5+ years over my step-daughter, and things were just extremely miserable in general. This was the setting for the most recent affair, the first one was similiar in that major life changes had taken place in the 3-4 months leading up to his 'freaking out'. I now know that his ADD symptoms are exacerbated 1000 fold during times of high stress such as these and he just convinces himself that the 'way out' is to cheat..run...escape.
If he felt no remorse or guilt or shame he would never stop cheating. We separated about 2 weeks into his affair (I didn't know about it, but did ask him to leave because he was behaving horribly), and about 2 weeks later every time I would see him he would sob. He said it was just 'something he was going through' and begged me not to read anything into it. He knew that I remembered his bouts of uncontrollable crying after his one night stand 12 years ago and was afraid I would put 2 and 2 together, I suppose. I didn't. I trusted him.
Subsequently, almost a month after his mother died, my father passed away...complications from an ATV accident. This left MOUNDS of guilt and shame for my husband to deal with because my father treated him like a son and while he lay dying in the hospital, he was out cheating on me and was NOT there for me like he should have been, nor did he go visit my father during his month long hospital stay.
So, I respectfully completely disagree that just because he has ADD he should feel no shame or guilt or remorse for what he's done. There are MANY other things he did, over the course of the 5 years leading up to the affair that he should feel sorry for as well, that go far beyond just being forgetful or irresponsible with money, etc. We had a conversation just yesterday about my father's passing and he admits (without me ever saying it to him) that he wasn't there for me when I needed him most, and he says he feels horrible for it. All I asked of him was to let it be a motivation to him to make the changes necessary to ensure that we don't ever allow our marriage to go into the ditch again and that he remember those horrible crying spells and the guilt and shame he felt so that he will never hurt me again by cheating on me. He doesn't have to let it destroy him, he needs to work through it and accept that I have forgiven him and will never throw it in his face or hold it against him, but it IS something he needs to feel and deal with. Ultimately, as he even admits, he is responsible for his own actions...ADD or not.
Great Advise
Submitted by guiltridden on
A quick update, I am still in the house, my wife is still as mad as ever but a couple of days ago she mentioned she might be willing to try a separation instead of a divorce. I also noticed she has been reading her Bible. I quit my therapist and went to my minister instead. I felt like I was losing the battle with my emotions seeing my therapist. I just finally realized if I don't fix myself first nothing else is possible. Our conversations always end in anger or frustration so I do write her letters and text her about what I am experiencing and tell her I do not expect a response. Fruitcake your advise on guilt is how my minister put it to me and I now know shame is what is overwhelming me. How could I do this to my wife, a person I love so much and do it for so long. The length of time it took me to understand what was wrong with me just overwhelms me. Working with my relationship with God has brought me to the point where I feel I can make some progress on my shame. As for the deep seeded desire to repay her I can do this every day by respecting and loving her. Another issue I am having trouble with is every time she gets angry or I make a mistake I feel like this one has to be the last straw. Coming from where I was is this normal? I was thinking of giving her my name so she could come here and read what I am experiencing. Good or bad idea? Fruitcake most of what you wrote I feel from my interaction with my wife she is feeling. For the first time since all this started I do feel somewhat that my wife still loves me. She reaches out in little ways like, I work nights and she called me at 5 am the other day to see if I wanted to go to breakfast and she told me I have to let her help with the kids and household chores because she wasn't going to come home and do nothing for the rest of her life. I know probably my fantasy but I like the thought. Thanks for the insight, Dave
Although I think you're 1/2
Submitted by SherriW13 on
Although I think you're 1/2 there by admitting your responsibility for things, you still most likely need some therapy to help you gain understanding of your ADD, why you have the behaviors you have, and how to avoid hurting those who love you in the future. Learning to walk away from conversations before they turn into fights is another gift you could give yourself, and your marriage.
It is VERY common for every fight to feel like the last straw, Lord knows I felt that way for many, many years. We separated last fall, went through hell and back, reconciled, and although we made a lot of progress, it took a long time for me to get past the feeling that every fight was the end of the line. For me, it was just an immediate reaction based on fear. "we'll never get this right, I am not waiting around for him to hurt me again!" is pretty much what went through my mind. It was all about survival at that point. A good friend finally said to me "why do you always react as though everything is the end of the world?" and it finally dawned on me what I was doing. "it is just a little setback" she would say..."don't give up on him, he's trying" and she was right.
I agree 120% with your comment that the best thing you can do from here on out is love her and respect her everyday. If she feels like giving up, love her that much more. Your actions will speak louder than anything you can say to her, so live by your words and if she does still love you, she will eventually learn to trust you with her heart again. One of the hardest hurdles my husband and I had to overcome was his consistent acceptance of his responsibility for my pain. He would bend over backwards to make me feel like he was as sorry as one human could be 98% of the time, but he'd have days where he would be fed up with 'bending over backwards' and those days, although few and far between, just about destroyed us. Be consistent with your remorse and your commitment to change...she will notice and she will respond. Best of luck to you!
Tell her...
Submitted by Fruitcake on
Yes, you have a right to be angry, there are so many things I have not given you that you needed me to, and I am very sorry for that, no matter what the outcome I am going to work on myself, because whether I am with you or not, I need to do this, understand I do want to be with you, but I understand how important it is for our relationship that I work on myself first.
Hang in there...
Submitted by blueroses4me on
I can understand how your wife feels. My husband has severe ADHD and "it" (his ADHD) is driving me nuts! However, I too, have ADD so I can relate to your guilt and shame as well, since we with ADHD are such experts at beating ourselves up!
First things first---Don't beat yourself up anymore. (I know, easier said than done!) It doesn't do you any good, nor your attempts at making your relationship work. Secondly, give your wife some time to get used to your attempts at working to get a handle on your ADHD. Twenty-one years is a long time to deal with someone in an ADHD relationship. I'm 13 years in our marriage and I want to pull my hair out on a continual basis! Third--and while this may sound trite, selfish,etc., find something that you really enjoy--passionate about--and excel towards the greatness of doing it. It helps when the frustration of the relationship bogs you both down. Just remember though, don't forget her when you hyper-focus.
Also, just a few things that women like in general (whether we have AD/HD or not!) 1) Reassure your wife constantly. She's lost some trust with broken promises and that takes time to get back on stable footing. 2)Surprise her with a date night. Take her somewhere that will knock her socks off--without the kids! 3) Do things for her that you normally "forget" to do around the house. Nothing is more sexy than a man loading the dishwasher and sweeping the floor! Seriously, I want to wrap my arms around my husband the minute he does this. (even though it's not often!) 4) Appreciate her for staying in the marriage this long and tell her! I know that love can withstand a lot, so if she's still really wanting to stay in the marriage, she'll begin to see the work you are putting into making the marriage work and it can be quite fun and exciting again!
It's obvious she fell in love with you because of your AD/HD (something caught her attention), so use the good qualities that you know your AD/HD can bring to the relationship and swoon her all over again!
And above all, hang in there. As someone who was diagnosed 15 years ago, I still struggle daily with the same things that I did before diagnosis. Support is key.
Good luck! I really want to see it work!
Hang in there...
Submitted by Fruitcake on
I so agree with everything blueroses4me says, because we are not 'just' dealing with ADHD we are dealing with 'marriage' and two people in a partnership - they are inextricable but separate. They are co-morbid as part of the ADHD picture.
exhausted too
Submitted by hockeymom11 on
I'm just ready to give up. I've tried many of the things on this site, gotten great advice and been to support groups, but nothing is changing on his ADD end. Still denial, depression, anger etc
He said he would take the day off so we wouldn't have to pay for daycare, told the boys all the "fun" stuff he was going to do with them, posted on his facebook page that he had "the day off to play with my sons!".
I came home from work at 2 pm, both boys were still in their PJs, had watched TV/computer games for HOURS and ADD spouse was upstairs asleep. They hadn't had lunch and said "daddy didn't do anything with us". I was devastated, but I'm too tired/spent to even get angry at him. I did ask him why we didn't just send the kids to daycare so they could have some interaction and he said "how was I supposed to know I was going to feel sick?!". well later that evening at 6:30, that SICK spouse went to the race track to race his cars!
I have no energy to get angry anymore, I'm empty, I'm done. I've reached out for help from his parents and his own father with ADD said he would call nightly to try and convince him to get help, well I guess I should have seen this coming, but he doesn't call nightly. I've even BEGGED his mother to call and talk to him about his excessive spending (she went through the same situation in their early marriage, but my F.I.L improved) and she hasn't called. I'm thinking that she cannot believe her "Baby" is the horrible person I've portrayed.
I just have to do my time, save as much money as I can, and get out. I'm glad school starts today as the boys will have friends, routine and some normalcy again.
I was hoping for a solution, but I've finally realized I cannot change him, he doesn't want to change and I'm tired of living my life like this. I'm 40 years old and I cannot see myself with this man for the next 40.
Counseling with wife
Submitted by callmesusan on
I am projecting myself into your situation here, because I related to how your described your wife in the original post. I was at the end of my rope, too, after 35 years of marriage. I really, really wanted this marriage to continue but I couldn't continue the way it had been going. I suspect that your wife asking if the counselor has requested that she join in the meetings suggests she might be thinking about doing it. You two have 4 kids in this relationship and I suspect she would rather have their dad raising them with her. Plus, 21 years is a lot of history together that is not easily dismissed. She is lonely and feels alone in the relationship and perhaps she feels as if she is a single parent, too. My kids are adults now, but I can SO relate to the lonely and alone part. ASK HER what she needs from you! Hopefully she is able to tell you. Ask her to be specific: "I want you to greet me with a hug and kiss after work." or "I want you to give the kids their baths every night." Then, you HAVE to do it as consistently as is possible, set an alarm to remind yourself. You do have an alarm device by now, right? The forgetting or being absent minded is hell for the non-ADD spouse.
My husband and I just had a discussion after a series of self absorbed events left me feeling frustrated. Ned Hallowell talks about "ADD time": now and not now. Well, I told him that sometimes I need US to operate on MY time (now, or a certain scheduled time) and not always on HIS time (later), which is subject to whim, or the wind, or what ever. The thing is, I had never realized how much I defer to his "ADD time" and how much frustration it causes me. So, when the revelation happened, we were able to talk about it. He thanked me for telling him what I need and encouraged me to speak up when it happens. <<This made me feel heard and understood, which is HUGE. Now my task is to learn to recognize the frustration and to speak up. His task will be to not get in a crappy mood (do you see why I never brought it up?) over yeilding to "my time" once in a while.
I hope this example helps you in some way. Perhaps, if your wife asks about counseling again, you can tell her how much you would welcome that if she is willing, and when she is ready.
seperation
Submitted by guiltridden on
We are entering our fourth month of dealing with my adhd. While I am not in favor of us getting separated, I was wandering if us separating for awhile wouldn't be beneficial at this point to give my wife a break from my adhd and give her some time to work on the anger and frustration she is feeling. If anyone has any thoughts on this I sure could use some input on this subject. It is really hard to be around someone you love so much and there is nothing I can do to help her at this point other than working on myself. Thanks Dave
I've separated myself
Submitted by Clarity on
from my ADD husband by taking the room upstairs. It's been about a year now and has helped me feel like I'm not living my life centered around his symptoms though I'm still living in the consequences of his lifestyle. In the beginning we weren't speaking at all, in fact, I couldn't even look at him. I cook dinner and do his laundry. The television is downstairs and eventually I was able to sit on the same sofa with him and watch a program or two. Later, I let him take me out to dinner and a few outings. He likes to chat a lot about nothing and I really don't have much to say as in my mind, I'm checking off symptoms of wrong thinking. He has continued to be responsible and shows a consistent effort in making things right though our communication level is poor. He is on Concerta and Wellbutrin but is not willing to go and talk to a therapist or counselor. I think it would make a big difference for him to be more engaged in understanding how to deal with what is happening to us. In the beginning the reality of his diagnosis did hit him hard but now, he is willing to only go so far with it. I feel alone and misunderstood. My anger went to frustration and then depression. Later, I felt nothing. I'm finally starting to feel like myself again. It's been a looong process.
Just thought I'd let you know how a separation of sorts worked for me, so far anyway...
lonely and confused
Submitted by dingbat on
So, what I am wondering is--how the Hell did this happen to us? We were the perfect couple, or so I thought. After 12 years of marriage, that is pretty good. Now, however, our marriage has flatlined and I am lonelier than I ever thought I could be. I thought he hung the moon and now I just think he's from outer space. He is the most hyperactive, distracted, hyperfocused human being I have ever known. I had come to terms with the fact that we would never have a "normal" family life of hanging out in the living room watching TV because he can't sit still, and I was fine with that. Most of the time. I also knew he loved inventing and building and designing in his workshop above all things, and that was great, too. Again, most of the time. (I actually REALLY REALLY admired this when we met. His talent is off the charts). Now, when he has been in the shop for seven or eight hours and hasn't come in to eat and won't come to bed and isn't helping me or talking to me or even noticing that I exist, it is no longer ok. In fact, it is very, very NOT ok. It seems like as long as I was on antidepressants, I didn't notice that he really didn't seem to notice my existence much of the time, but as soon as I got off them, all these new feelings of loneliness and alienation came knocking at our door and are blowing our house down. I thought I was a tough loner who didn't need all the love, attention, and devotion so many women thrive on, but that isn't true at all--I was just numbed out! I guess the feelings were there, but I just wasn't feeling them because of my "mother's little helper". How can people actually go 20 or 30 years being ignored by an ADHD spouse without throwing in the towel? What is the payoff? I don't want anyone else but him, but I don't want him if he is going to stay "checked out" for the rest of his life. I don't want all his time, energy, and attention (because I will NEVER have that) but I do think a little of it would be nice. Oh well, I am not sure what the point of this post is other than a need to put my thoughts down into words and connect with others. There are more of us out there than I ever knew. How sad.
Dingbat - what you describe
Submitted by Catfish on
Dingbat - what you describe could be me writing it. Although, it is my husband's passion for his sports where he devotes hours of time. And, again like you, I have admired and supported his passion. However, I have been aware and keep becoming more aware that he feels no obligation, desire, or whatever to make efforts to connect with me. We are in counseling and he admitted that he thinks we spend plenty of time together merely b/c we live together. He honestly sees no reason why he should try to plan time together. We have a two year old which, of course, much of the responsibility falls on me. Lately I find myself craving attention and social interaction b/c my needs just aren't met b/c I spend most of my time, at work or doing things with my son without him. And I like you, I have always believed I don't require a lot of effort - I'm independent, support us financially, and am a pretty happy person. But now, I keep questioning - is this all there is? Is this what I'm supposed to settle for for the rest of my life? Don't I deserve for someone to want to make me happy? When I addressed this last night - he immediately became cold and emotionally shut off. He proceeded to change my words and say that I think he is so horrible and worthless and he became very sarcastic. He then went on to tell me how uptight I always am and that he often doesn't like me. And so WHY am I trying to get this person to spend more quality time with me? Not only does he not want to hear me and not have a normal conversation of addressing each partner's needs but he doesn't acknowledge any of the sacrafice, support or effort that I make. He just comes out swinging - and things go nowhere. Not sure my point to my post either except reading yours made me think how similar I feel - and I have no idea what to do about it.
Catfish...hey thats my life!
Submitted by preciouslove on
Wow...I wish I had found this site when I was till married and going through! I have been divorced for 4 months now, separated for 2 years. I reached the end of my rope in May of 2008. I was diagnosed with chronic depression and put on several meds including Xanax and sleeping pills and I also lost a great deal of weight. My husband knew where the source of my emotional turmoil rested --WITH HIM! Yet, he did nothing to help my situation. He could not have a normal and meaningful conversation with me to save his life! Consequently, due to an overdose of medication, I was in a severe car accident involving two other vehicles on My 6, 2008. When i woke up in the hospital room not remembering anything, my husband sat in a chair across the room watching tv and never came to my bedside! My vehicle was totalled and I had no insurance! Shortly after the accident, he was ordered to leave the marital residence and take nothing but his bare neccesities! He left without saying a word!! Oh, he did tell me that its not his fault that I took all those damned pills!!! WOW!
He wasn't diagnosed with ADD til after our separation but before our divorce was final. He refused to accept or admit it. Now we're officially divorced. I am! happy I support myself financially (as usual) and my children are happy. Now all of a sudden THE MR. wants to wants to start over. He finally says he will get thorough ADD testing , counseling or whatever it takes. OK! He said that 6 weeks ago and no good news yet. Im free at last and very confused about what I should do. He's not my "husband" anymore but we have 3 kids, ages 20, 13, and 8 now. I had finally gotten over my bitterness and frustration and i'm not sure ttat i want o go back down that lna dark lonely road again. In just the few weeks that I have been considering giving him another chance all of those hurt feelings have evolved again...still raw and painfully paralyzing!!! Im not quite sure why I am responding....i"m basically venting and would love to get some advice form others who know how I feel.
To much to Long
Submitted by guiltridden on
Update, Wife not interested in separation, divorce is all she wants. I'll be leaving in the next couple of days. "To Much To Long" to many broken promises, to much babysitting, no support, to much loneliness. The hatred I feel for myself is overwhelming me at this point. When the pills wore off I would see what she dealt with for all these years. It's to late to save my marriage, all my wife can see is the past and I don't blame her, she spent half her life trying to keep the family together with no support from me. My message to any adhd'er that might read this is wake the hell up. I know what the meds and therapy did for me, it was just to late for me to save my marriage but maybe not to late to save my life. Quit making excuses, if you truly want to save your family. This road I am on is very lonely. Think about how old you are and how long you might live, are your excuses really worth that much loneliness? Thanks for putting up with me. Now I have to go and see if I can put my life back together. Thanks, Dave
If you do nothing else....
Submitted by Fruitcake on
Print both of your posts out and give them to her. Tell her how frightened you are. Tell her you want her help, need her help. Even if the marriage doesn't work out in the end, would she please hang in there for you while you tried, tell her how sorry you are, and that you could not see the damage you were doing before. Explain to her the feelings you have been ignoring that she has, reflect back to her her pain, and don't make promises you can't keep, no matter how much you want to. She may need a break. She may leave. But do it anyway.
TOO MUCH TOO LONG
Submitted by preciouslove on
HELLO DAVE,
i couldn't resist the urge to respond to your posts. I was married for 14 years, recently divorced (April 8, 2010). During my entire marriage, my husband had serious issues such as...he has never had a drivers license, but drove my cars whenever he wanted, be both went to college full time, i graduated with 2 degrees, he never finished, no communication, sex life non existent, addicted to internet pornography and an overall lack of sharing responsibilities, financially and emotionally. We went to several counselors with no "diagnosis" except a communication disorder. I could not take it anymore so i filed for a divorce. My husband left the house and never said a word! We never even discussed our separation / divorce amongst ourselves or our children (ages 18, 10 and 6).
However shortly after he moved out (May 2008), he was diagnosed with ADD...He refused to accept or admit it. Now the divorce is final and I have moved on with my life and he sees me happy...he wants to start over. He claims he will do anything to make things work this time. I would love to have my family back together and happy, but I feel as though I have to protect my children.
I sympathize with your situation. i can also understand your wife's point of view. We were separated for 2 years before our divorce was final. Its a situation where, theres not alot of room for promises and should not haves...she has to see change in you! Im sure you have a list of complaints that you have gotten oven the years...address those issues without mention...she needs to feel in her heart that you are improving. I think that there is a point in everyones life where they can right all wrongs. All she has to go on now are past behaviors...its time to create new positive memories. Regardless of what happens...continue to improve and make sure she sees it and knows it even if you are separated / divorced.
Sooo sorry to read that guiltridden
Submitted by Aspen on
I always hope that once the AD/HD gets treated that things will improve in a marriage. It is really too bad that your wife isn't willing to even discuss the possible changes in store for the future :( As the nonADD mate, I know hearing about possible changes gets really old when there isn't action to back it up, but maybe once you start backing it up with action it will at the least make her realize that the problems of the past weren't your intent.
NOW what do I do?
Submitted by Exhausted1 on
After 5 years of marriage -- the last two being pure hell -- I suddenly realized over the weekend that my wife is has ADHD. I've been scouring the web soaking in the information and blog comments and she appears to be THE poster child. She jumped to travel to Peru for a month, came back and told me she's had it with domestic life and wants to live in the Amazon -- or Costa Rica, or... in those 5 years she's wanted to move 30-40 times: grass always greener. I don't want to confront her with this discovery for fear that it will put her completely over the edge; and the idea of her swallowing a "chemical" is laughable -- she's a raw, organic, vegan purity food maniac. She leaves the house without telling me where she's going or with whom; she frequently, of late, does not come home at night, and she's become secretive and uncommunicative.
Yet, just as quickly, she comes home and is almost OVERLY loving and attentive, wanting to do something with me "right now" and telling me about the things she's going to be doing next week, next month, next year -- from here!
My gut tells me I need to get out as quickly (and quietly) as possible and, when settled somewhere -- IF she suddenly wants me back, conditioning her return on a promise to seek professional help. But my heart is broken and I also feel torn about bailing on her. Stay or go?
Seems like if the thunder don't get me, the lightning will.
That doesn't sound good
Submitted by BreadBaker on
If the other person isn't open to treatment, wants an "easy" out, and is holding their cards close to their chest at all times, there isn't much of anything for you to work with. My husband didn't skip to Peru, but the rest is the same.
You're not bailing on her if she doesn't want help. She needs to take responsibility for herself. If she can't do that, then look at the situation you have right now, and decide if this is what you want for the rest of your life. If it isn't, then as heartbroken as you are, let it go. It took me six months of costly therapy to get all of that through my head. Please benefit from the many boat payments I contributed to my psych! ;)
Setting a condition of professional help is the only thing you *can* do. I did that, too. Think about it--is it possible for the marriage to continue or grow without it? Would you be happy without it? Would the situation improve without it? If not, then you have your answer.
Sorry if I'm being blunt. I was at your stage months ago. I've been away from my husband for a while, have cleared my head, and have reoriented my sense of how people should be treated. I loved him very, very much, but I wonder now how I could have ever wanted to stay in a marriage where the other person thinks he never has to take responsibility for himself. :/
Thanks
Submitted by Exhausted1 on
Thank you -- you confirmed my deepest thoughts. I guess it's just unrealistic to hope that she'd cooperate to save the marriage; that hasn't been her pattern.
I thought we had the perfect union. To see her regard me as though I were a leper when I've tried so hard to make her happy has been... well, I guess everyone on here knows.
Funny your mentioning boat payments; I'm going back to my original plan before we met and save for a liveaboard :)
Start the discussion, at least, don't just bail...
Submitted by sapphyre on
Hi Exhausted1
There are hints here, and on other sites, on how to get the conversation started. Perhaps you've done an online screening test on behalf of your wife, and you could show her the results... if you can get her to stay still long enough.
Good luck
Sapphyre
Qu?
Submitted by Fruitcake on
Does she sleep? Does she spend excessivly? Do her ideas seem 'grandiose' or not based in reality or are they very her? Are they achievable? Is she managing any of the routined things in the day even if in a haphazard ADHD way? I am not a medic nor am I qualified to diagnose, but my alarm bells are sounding. Have you looked at Bi-polar disorder?
Grief...
Submitted by Fruitcake on
I really feel I must draw everyone's attention to the process of grief. Most people posting on this forum, both ADHD and non-ADHD, are going through or have been through a grief process. It is a very worthwhile, in my opinion essential, area to understand. There are many books and websites dedicated to the grieving process, starting in a portal such as Wiki-psychology may be a good stepping stone.
I cannot say this loudly or clearly enough, both parties need to know that they are going through a 'process'. Part of that process is grief, on both sides, perhaps at different times perhaps at the same time, some people will take a long time to process their grief (perhaps years), and some will move through it in weeks or months.
This is coupled with ADHD or not, and with Marital issues which may be exclusive from both or tied to one or both. Throw in gender differences and backgrounds and age, intelligence, illness, abuse or dependencies and you have a very complex situation. Any or all of these may exist on either side, and I haven't even brought in the complexities of children to the mix yet.
Questions welcome - answers direct. :-)
Let Go And Let GOD
Submitted by Tradestar on
Going through a relationship with someone with ADHD the only thing that I can say about this is DO) what you can on your part if It doesn't work than atleast you come out of the situation better man. We can't control who we we are but we can control who we become. MAY GOD BLESS YOU! Seek First the kingdon of GOD and all else will given to you.